V-day issue and friendship boundary

[hect]

I'm in need of some third-party analysis/advice on a situation which has developed between a friend and me (both guys) over the last several months.

 

We met each other at the end of last summer through the Internet. We had dinner several times, and also did some one-on-one things like going to a concert (we both enjoy the same music), and while I wasn't particularly attracted to him, we shared some unique common interests, which I thought meant we could make good friends going forward, even though I did not want to date.

 

I had some concern that doing "date-like" things might make him thing that I'm interested in more than just friends, but since I otherwise didn't give direct indications of romantic interest and since the activities we did were in a sense my normal, everyday interests (eating out, music, etc.) I did not let this worry me too much. Occasionally he would try playfully touching me, but I would not reciprocate. I figured that not reciprocating would eventually be enough of a hint without explicitly having to discuss a friendship vs. dating boundary.

 

In December we met for dinner, after which he told me he is happy spending time with me, and told me that if I was seeing a hotter guy, it's ok and to let him know . He gave me a gift of chocolate from a recent trip, and gave me a kiss on the cheek as we were departing each other (did not reciprocate). I was pretty quiet through all of this, since being inexperienced in dating this was my first time in such a situation and didn't know what to say without making him feel bad. The next day, we texted each other and I told him explicitly that I am interested in "being friends, but not dating." (At first I said something like 'at this point,' but when he came back and said he would keep trying, I tried to leave it much less ambiguous.)

 

He said he was hurt by this but happy that I told him the truth. In the following weeks, since I was on winter break and had extra time, we texted somewhat frequently, mostly him helping me plan a trip to Europe since he as a lot of travel experience. Sometimes these texts were lengthy and detailed (it's my nature...).

 

Where things become more complicated is that we entered a professional relationship in which I am his flight instructor. I decided to give him a discount because he is my friend. He felt that he needed to reciprocate by giving me "dinners, concerts, and piano lessons" (we both like playing piano and he is an experienced pianist), but I pushed back on this, telling him that he does not owe me anything (I did not want him to feel like he is continually in debt to me).

 

After having dinner one night, he proposed some plans for the weekend of Valentines day which involved us going to a concert after one of our flight lessons. I figured this was the reciprocation for flying lessons or just a common activity we could enjoy as friends (probably a bad assumption by me). And soon thereafter he also proposed going to dinner on Valentines day via ferry. At the time (several weeks before Valentines day) I figured, why not -- it sounds pretty date-like, but we're both single and if we have nobody to see, there's no reason not to go and have fun as friends. He even asked me to tell him if I had some "hot guy" ask me to go out, to let him know so he can cancel the plans. In the back of my mind, there was a remote possibility of wanting to go out with one guy (who I will from now on I will call Friend B) I had met several months ago, but at that point we hadn't really been seeing each other and I didn't know if he was also interested, so I didn't mention this possibility to my friend (Friend A).

 

Throughout these weeks I continued the professional flying relationship with Friend A and started seeing Friend B more. Around Feb 12, Friend B asked if I would want to get together on Valentines day. There was mutual attraction between me and Friend B (both telling each other "you're cute"). I explained to him the situation with Friend A having asked me to dinner, and how I was a bit confused about his intentions given our discussion in December. I also asked Friend B what he was looking for, and I told him that I was open to hanging out either as just friends or as a date, and would respect whatever his preference would be. He felt the same way, so we decided to have dinner without any real expectations of a date but to see where things would go from there.

 

At this point (about 2 days before Valentines day), I had to tell Friend A that I had some plans for Valentines day now. I didn't think this would be a big deal since I instead proposed just going to dinner before the concert he had already planned on the day after Valentines day, which he had already purchased tickets to. We had a flight lesson on Thursday and discussed this a bit afterwards, and it seemed like we were on good terms and had mutual understanding. However, on Friday night, Friend A apparently blew up, and when I was with Friend B I received an angry email filled telling me how much of an a##hole I am, telling me to use protection and lube with my date, etc...really 'mature' stuff. I replied the morning after and explained how I was confused. It seemed pretty clear to me that I did not have romantic interest in him when I explicitly told him I wanted to just be 'friends, not date,' and that if there were no romantic expectations for the evening, there should be no problem proposing getting together on Saturday instead, since we were already planning to get together then.

 

When I finally got to talk to him (we took a several week break from talking with each other at this point) one of his main points was that the fact that I spent one-on-one time with him and often sent long/somewhat frequent texts in response to his, in his mind, were things which indicated interest on my part.

 

He also said that it is unreasonable for gay guys to spend time together alone and not expect anything sexual to happen. This seems strange to be given that I had explicitly told him that I only wanted to be friends. But to him, this crossed the "friendship boundary."

 

One other thing I found strange is that he told me about a fantasy he has about having me come over his place, and kiss me on the back of my head while I am playing his piano. He said that he will not let me come play his piano unless I am willing to receive this kiss. For him telling me his fantasy -- whatever -- it's strange but I'm fine with him being open. But for him to seriously require this for me to spend time with him as a friend, given that he knows I am not interested, seems very strange. (He thinks it's what I can give him to reciprocate for letting me do something I would enjoy.) It almost seems like he wants me to feel guilty for not being as attracted to him as I am to Friend B.

 

I'm just curious to hear your thoughts on the whole situation. (There are some other things I may want to ask about too a bit later...) I think I was probably insensitive to why he wanted to get together on Valentines day (although I'm still not sure, because he told me that on the ferry ride to dinner he intended to tell me how to "distance myself" from him if I really just wanted to be friend, so it's confusing), but to me his highly emotional reaction with the e-mail seemed unreasonable given what I told him in December. And is it your experience that long texts or spending time one-on-one are usually indicative of sexual or romantic interest for most gay guys?

[CheeseTofu]

Hey there!

 

He is probably as confused as you. Have you tried sitting down and asking him personally? He might let you know what he truly thinks!

 

As of your last question, I find that one-on-one dates, long texts, are signs of romantic interest not only for gays but for straight people too. If a guy was to send me long texts and asks me out for one-on-one dates, I would assume he has, even just a little, feelings for me!

 

I hope I've answered your question!

 

Good luck!

 

- Jay