Cancelling dates last minute...

[D-Lish]

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm super pissed.

 

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks, we're taking it day by day. We've been hanging out 2-3 times a week thus far.

 

We had plans tonight, he was to come by and pick me up at 9:30 after his game. At 9:30, he calls to say a buddy on his hockey team wants him to come out for beers and can he come by afterward, say around midnight.

 

I said no to coming by afterward as we're not sleeping together yet and I don't want him to think it's okay to just come by late at night when we haven't defined anything yet.

 

I'm not needy for a guy's time, I would have been fine if he'd just wanted to hang with his friends after their game- because I could have made other plans.

 

So here I am, on a Friday night, all dressed up and cancelled on.

 

He asked if I was upset and I told him truthfully that I was- all of my friends went to a restaurant opening tonight and I bowed out on a ticket because I'd accepted his invitation to go out for dinner and drinks.

 

So... Three weeks, and this is the second time he's cancelled last minute. My thoughts are that one time is acceptable- but this second time tonight really makes me believe he doesn't respect my time.

 

He offered to not stay and have drinks in order to fulfill his obligation with me, but let's be honest, how could I feel good about making him follow through with me when he's clearly excited about doing something else?

 

He has been texting ever since saying he feels bad with offers of making it up to me. I go back to work tomorrow for 5 days of afternoon shifts which means we can't see one another until next Thursday.

 

I'm pretty pissed. Am I right to be? I've seen him twice already this week, 3 times last week, and the first time he cancelled was our third date because he said he was super tired after work (he gets up at 5:00am). I didn't give him a hard time the first time he cancelled at all.

 

He's been texting about nailing me down for next Thursday when I'm off, but I'm being aloof about accepting. I didn't give him the gears tonight, just told him I wouldn't accept being treated like an option.

 

I don't think I would have minded so much if I didn't get all dressed up and say no to my friends because I had plans with this new guy. I can swing either way at this point. I like him, and we have fun together- but I don't know if I should give it another chance.

 

Am I a push-over if I give him another chance? I'm on the fence.

[pickflicker]

See him again, but don't cancel any future plans with friends until you get a more firm commitment from him. See him when you're free, basically.

 

If he cancels again, bounce him.

[Janesays]

No, you have a right to be upset. Your time is important and he was disrespectful.

 

When we were dating, my husband pulled something similar. I sent him an email breaking it off the next day citing his disrespect and my inability to let someone treat me that way.

 

Well, he begged for a 2nd chance, pulled a complete 180 and never pulled that crap on me again.

 

I think standing up for yourself here is a good idea because you are making it clear how you wish to be treated. If he can't live up to that, fine. Let him hit the road. If it was an honest mistake, he will be sure to be more thoughtful of your time and feelings in the future.

 

Only time will tell.

[D-Lish]

See him again, but don't cancel any future plans with friends until you get a more firm commitment from him. See him when you're free, basically.

 

If he cancels again, bounce him.

 

I guess that's where I was leaning. My friends and I have a standing weekly Thursday night meet where we go to my friend's restaurant and have some beers and wings. I'm not going to change that plan for him next week.

 

I laid out my boundaries tonight- not in a mean way, just made it clear I wasn't going to be taken for granted.

 

He works mon-Fri, 6am-4:00pm... I mostly work Saturday to Wednesday 230-11pm. Not sure if this is something that can work because of our schedules.

[MrMeh]

Don't get undressed. I'n taking you out.

[D-Lish]

No, you have a right to be upset. Your time is important and he was disrespectful.

 

When we were dating, my husband pulled something similar. I sent him an email breaking it off the next day citing his disrespect and my inability to let someone treat me that way.

 

Well, he begged for a 2nd chance, pulled a complete 180 and never pulled that crap on me again.

 

I think standing up for yourself here is a good idea because you are making it clear how you wish to be treated. If he can't live up to that, fine. Let him hit the road. If it was an honest mistake, he will be sure to be more thoughtful of your time and feelings in the future.

 

Only time will tell.

 

I didn't break it off with him tonight, but am somewhat tempted. He just texted again to say that he's leaving and asked to come by, but I said no.

 

I guess I feel that I only asserted my boundaries tonight for the first time- I let it slide the first time. He's been nothing but apologetic all night. That's morphed into saying he couldn't enjoy himself because he was worried about me being mad at him... Not impressed by that.

[pickflicker]

I guess that's where I was leaning. My friends and I have a standing weekly Thursday night meet where we go to my friend's restaurant and have some beers and wings. I'm not going to change that plan for him next week.

 

I laid out my boundaries tonight- not in a mean way, just made it clear I wasn't going to be taken for granted.

 

He works mon-Fri, 6am-4:00pm... I mostly work Saturday to Wednesday 230-11pm. Not sure if this is something that can work because of our schedules.

 

Never ever change your weekly get together with friends. I go to trivia every Monday with a group of friends, the only time I miss it is if I'm out of town, sick, or I'm with my family. Schedule him around your weekly thing. Even if you guys become serious, always attempt to reschedule him, before your friends. Once a week with your friends is important to maintain. :-)

[beach]

Start dating other men too. Fit this guy in when it's convenient for you and his planned date tempts you with a nice offer out.

 

Any guy who knows your schedule for free time and cancels last minutes for his "guy time" isn't holding you as his top priority.

 

He's got five night to do drinks with the guys = those are nights you work late. It's very short sighted of him... And he didn't consider your feelings by canceling last minute.

 

The guy gets a "D" for effort. And the offer at midnight sounds like a booty call - so good job saying no.

 

What did he plan for tonight's date?

[D-Lish]

Never ever change your weekly get together with friends. I go to trivia every Monday with a group of friends, the only time I miss it is if I'm out of town, sick, or I'm with my family. Schedule him around your weekly thing. Even if you guys become serious, always attempt to reschedule him, before your friends. Once a week with your friends is important to maintain. :-)

 

Ya, I won't reschedule my weekly outing, it's important to me.

[WP4046]

2-3 times a week? His money must be looooooong lol

[D-Lish]

Start dating other men too. Fit this guy in when it's convenient for you and his planned date tempts you with a nice offer out.

 

Any guy who knows your schedule for free time and cancels last minutes for his "guy time" isn't holding you as his top priority.

 

He's got five night to do drinks with the guys = those are nights you work late. It's very short sighted of him... And he didn't consider your feelings by canceling last minute.

 

The guy gets a "D" for effort. And the offer at midnight sounds like a booty call - so good job saying no.

 

What did he plan for tonight's date?

 

I agree with everything you said, and I am still talking to others, and haven't taken down my dating profile. I definitely have no plans to sleep with him at this point.

 

That bugged me too- the fact that I'm going back on afternoons and won't be available for a while.

 

We were supposed to go to dinner and have drinks- nothing major- but I was excited about it and got dressed up for him. I was all dressed and just about to go down to the lobby when he called to cancel/delay. There is a big mirror in my foyer- and I just looked at myself all dressed up in the mirror after he called, feeling a bit foolish.

[WP4046]

I agree with everything you said, and I am still talking to others, and haven't taken down my dating profile. I definitely have no plans to sleep with him at this point.

 

That bugged me too- the fact that I'm going back on afternoons and won't be available for a while.

 

We were supposed to go to dinner and have drinks- nothing major- but I was excited about it and got dressed up for him. I was all dressed and just about to go down to the lobby when he called to cancel/delay. There is a big mirror in my foyer- and I just looked at myself all dressed up in the mirror after he called, feeling a bit foolish.

 

 

And this is exactly why online dating should not be taken seriously. A guy who is browsing profiles will think you are available and send you a message.

[D-Lish]

And this is exactly why online dating should not be taken seriously. A guy who is browsing profiles will think you are available and send you a message.

 

I am available as it stands now... Should I be waiting around for a guy that doesn't respect my time and has cancelled on me twice?

 

Hey, I like the guy, but I am not going to be someone's "option".

[WP4046]

I am available as it stands now... Should I be waiting around for a guy that doesn't respect my time and has cancelled on me twice?

 

Hey, I like the guy, but I am not going to be someone's "option".

 

 

No you shouldn't I'm just saying that it's because of your current situation people should not take online dating seriously. I often have to remind myself not to get too excited when I see a pretty women because she may not be available

[Assasda]

I am available as it stands now... Should I be waiting around for a guy that doesn't respect my time and has cancelled on me twice?

 

Hey, I like the guy, but I am not going to be someone's "option".

 

You'll end up with the guy. Whether you hate him now or not. Its because he's a fun guy, and you like his company, and you're not the only thing in his life.

 

How do I know this? Because I just did this, I just cancelled on my GF and did something very similar. Why did I do this? Simply because I didnt think it was an really big deal. It didnt seem super important. The travel was long, and I neeed the time for myself.

 

I didnt feel like it was of superior importance, in my mind, we'll spend tons of other times, doing other stuff, so, I expect her to be resourceful and do other things.

[gaius]

You were all decked out and got ditched for another dude, who he had just spent a bunch of time with. How could you not be irritated.

 

I'd blow him off for Thursday but give him another chance after that.

[lanamarie]

I don't think you're wrong to be upset at all. It doesn't matter if you've seen each other 2x that week, or 4x. He made plans with you ahead of time when he didn't have to, so, absent a good reason, he should follow through with his plans with you. To call you last second and tell you he's doing something else is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. You're not just sitting around at his beck and call, available at his convenience.

 

I really can't even fathom how anyone could think that was OK and that you wouldn't get upset. It's such a NO BRAINER.

 

I would blow him off for Thursday and then...depending on how much you like the guy, give it another shot. But don't tolerate this type of nonsense. A grown man should know better, he's not 15.

[Grumpybutfun]

From a man's point of view....he isn't that into you. If I am into a woman, I do not cancel just to hangout and drink with a bunch of sweaty guys I've just been with all night. Once, just isn't important to get upset about because stuff happens out of our control....twice, shame on him but three times, shame on you for letting him treat you like you don't deserve courtesy and his time. Wouldn't waste my time or energy on this guy.

JMHO,

Grumps

[RedRobin]

From a man's point of view....he isn't that into you. If I am into a woman, I do not cancel just to hangout and drink with a bunch of sweaty guys I've just been with all night. Once, just isn't important to get upset about because stuff happens out of our control....twice, shame on him but three times, shame on you for letting him treat you like you don't deserve courtesy and his time. Wouldn't waste my time or energy on this guy.

JMHO,

Grumps

 

 

Yea, I think I'm with Grumps on this one. I'm not about to twist any guy's arm to hang out with me.

 

 

It is always unfortunate when people do stupid stuff in the beginning that kills those budding nice feelings. That's what he did. It's pretty much the kiss of death for me. It breaks trust. When it is over something so little and inconsequential, I've learned that is their MO. It always comes across as a little passive aggressive and as game playing. Big buzz kill.

 

 

I can't say I'd give him a third chance. He'd be someone I might hang out with if I had nothing better to do... but that is almost never. Plus the attempt to come over for a booty call. Nope. He's starting to sound like one of those 3rd date gotta have sex guys... and this is his lame way of testing your interest.

 

 

The whole thing is lame. I'd call and tell him that my feelings for him have changed and I've lost interest in pursuing anything romantic. That it's too bad, I really liked him, but I don't see it going anywhere now.. then wish him luck...

 

 

....can I also say that this is why I don't text men I'm just getting to know??

 

If you set a precedent for phone calls instead of texts in the beginning, I'm betting you'll get a lot less flakiness and you'll also be able to tell much easier when they are BS'ing you. I've never had a bad experience with a guy who will call instead of text, though... My worst experiences are with men who jump out of the gate with the texts instead of calls. Just an FYI...

Edited March 22, 2014 by RedRobin

[haribogumsnickers]

Cancel him out completely. He could've offered to bring you along for drinks with the boys but rather asked to come by afterwards around midnight? Right, like you're going to wait for his lame arse.

 

He may be fun and all but he's already too flaky. Having conflicting work schedules doesn't help either.

 

His frequent apologies are becoming more empty and what's to say he may be too tired for the next date.

 

I'm a sith btw and I only deal in absolutes. Then again, if he's super hot...totally disregard all of what I said and go with your gut feeling.

[Pineappls]

First time shouldn't happen. But it can but there must be a real serious reason.

 

But if it happen a second time you should go cold and block him.

No men that really wants you do that.

 

If you dont send a clear serious massage to the guy he will see you as whatever girl that he can do whatever with.

[quidproquo89]

I am available as it stands now... Should I be waiting around for a guy that doesn't respect my time and has cancelled on me twice?

 

Hey, I like the guy, but I am not going to be someone's "option".

 

Now you've made it abundantly clear this is no way to behave and I think you've made him very eager - what with all the apologies. Perhaps give it another shot? Do you still like him?

 

 

Don't get me wrong that is awful, you standing dressed up by that mirror, with that cancellation on your hands. Really bad, but hey you've set boundaries now. So are you going to meet him again?

 

 

haven't finished reading yet, so the answer may become apparent lol.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My ex did the same thing. After the second time he canceled last minute, I dumped him citing disrespect for my time.

 

He begged and pleaded for another chance for 2 weeks before I gave in.

 

He never canceled on me again

[soccerrprp]

I, personally would not allow a third chance of this happening to occur. Cut him off and if he begs and pleads, be especially careful you're not giving him another chance b/c you are not wholly yourself and that his presence has influenced you more than you'd like to admit. In other words, your infatuation with him, otherwise you would have dumped him after the second offense, may be starting to cloud your judgement.

 

I'm with grumps. If I really liked you, no way would I do what he did 2x! No way.

 

If you take him back, I would be extremely hesitant about sex. I truly fear that once that takes place, things will change and not for the better. After that, after sex, you will be holding the short end of the stick.

[Gaeta]

Make plans for Thursday and don't show up.

 

Both reasons why he cancelled were extremely lame. He already cancelled twice in a few weeks, this is enough disrespect. Dating is about filtering @ssholes till you get to a good guy. This one is a *no go* and should be eliminated, he's no price.

 

Also the fact he invited himself over late at night adds to his @ssholeness.