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Online Dating - how to manage multiple prospects


Babolat

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So I re-enabled my OLD profile recently. I am getting a lot of Activity, "Traffic" if you will: Likes, Messages, Visitors and the like.

 

I filter through the junk ones "You have a nice smile", "Want to chat sometime?" and pay closer attention to the ones who put some thought into their messages.

 

I am chatting with a few woman. There were two I was chatting with recently who literally disappeared. This, after they sent me numeruous photos of themselves (and I never ask for photos unless they do not have a head to toe one on their profile). Very strange.

 

I know for us men this is kind of a numbers game since we do not get near the volume woman do. So if I find someone attractive, and I feel a connection over messages, and then over text/phone, I continue chatting (this is prior to meeting them).

 

I now have about 6 woman I feel this connection with, and I think it's time to meet. How do you meet 6 woman though, in a timely fashion such that they do not wonder "what's up, why is he not asking to meet me?". And, I have found, that I can't keep track of "who is who".

 

I have plans to meet one for coffee Saturday, and another for coffee Sunday. 2 days in a row, for me, feels emotionally overwhelming. How can I focus? How can I get to know someone at a deeper level, when I know, I'll be meeting someone else the next day, or a few days later?

 

If I just chat with 1 at a time, I risk missing out on someone who could be a great match..right? And if I invest time with only 1 at a time, chatting, then they disappear or we never meet for whatever reason, I have to go back and "try again" with others.

 

How do other folks manage this? Especially woman, who get hundreds of messages. I may get 3-4 a day on a good day. It's almost exhausting, trying to manage this. Maybe there's a better way to do so?

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First of all stop getting emotionally exhausted. Until you have met face to face you really have no clue how you'll feel about them even if things seem perfect on paper.

 

" And, I have found, that I can't keep track of "who is who"."

 

You may have bitten off way more than you can handle. I'd say go for two meet ups at a time then continue on if no match. Since you've already got 6 you're interested in start weeding them out by asking if they'd like to meet for coffee. Some people are flakes and will back out, so that should help. If you are still left with six do as your doing and try to meet for small coffee dates during the week and the following weekend. You are not going to be able to date 6 at a time though that's just too much.

 

I'd say next time find 2 nice women meet up then go from there. You could also try Skype during the week but face to face is better.

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Keep notes. Make a document with their photo, name, profile name, location, key characteristics and mutual points of conversation from email/chatting, and add detail and your impressions of them once you meet. Quote any key remarks you want to remember and associate with them.

 

Once you meet, you'll probably find that most won't be what you want - something will be off about chemistry or personality, and those can be deleted unless you're giving them another chance and a second meet/date to be sure. You may end up with none that you want to see again. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

 

You can meet one or two a day, depending on scheduling. If you're meeting two in a day, be sure to have a clear end to the meet so you can make your notes and prepare for the next meet.

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organizedchaos
So I re-enabled my OLD profile recently. I am getting a lot of Activity, "Traffic" if you will: Likes, Messages, Visitors and the like.

 

I filter through the junk ones "You have a nice smile", "Want to chat sometime?" and pay closer attention to the ones who put some thought into their messages.

 

I am chatting with a few woman. There were two I was chatting with recently who literally disappeared. This, after they sent me numeruous photos of themselves (and I never ask for photos unless they do not have a head to toe one on their profile). Very strange.

 

I know for us men this is kind of a numbers game since we do not get near the volume woman do. So if I find someone attractive, and I feel a connection over messages, and then over text/phone, I continue chatting (this is prior to meeting them).

 

I now have about 6 woman I feel this connection with, and I think it's time to meet. How do you meet 6 woman though, in a timely fashion such that they do not wonder "what's up, why is he not asking to meet me?". And, I have found, that I can't keep track of "who is who".

 

I have plans to meet one for coffee Saturday, and another for coffee Sunday. 2 days in a row, for me, feels emotionally overwhelming. How can I focus? How can I get to know someone at a deeper level, when I know, I'll be meeting someone else the next day, or a few days later?

 

If I just chat with 1 at a time, I risk missing out on someone who could be a great match..right? And if I invest time with only 1 at a time, chatting, then they disappear or we never meet for whatever reason, I have to go back and "try again" with others.

 

How do other folks manage this? Especially woman, who get hundreds of messages. I may get 3-4 a day on a good day. It's almost exhausting, trying to manage this. Maybe there's a better way to do so?

 

It's a nice problem to have though! :)

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First of all stop getting emotionally exhausted. Until you have met face to face you really have no clue how you'll feel about them even if things seem perfect on paper

 

I am not emotionally getting invested in these women, as in "feelings". I did not mean that by saying "emotional".

 

For example, last night I came home and just "turned off". I could not read another message, reply to another message. I get an email from a woman this morning, who I have been chatting with, asking me why I disappeared! Last week I went 2 days without replying to a woman and she replied "I guess we are not a match!"

 

It's emotioanlly difficult for me to do the numbers game I guess, to keep up with it all, to invest quality time getting to know one at a time.

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It's a nice problem to have though! :)

Ha, I will not disagree based on the men who have posted on LS about their frustrations with OLD. If you are thoughtful in your replies, read between the lines in their profiles, pay atttention to who they are, what they are "telling you", and respond appropriately, your success rate can be good.

 

I also do not have any pics of me with a fish, a deer, drinking with "my buds", my boat, my car, my house, or my shirt off. I've actually had woman ask me why I don't.

 

A woman I have been texting with asked me for a pic of my package, hard, late Saturday night. I kindly said no. She said all of the other men send her one. I told her to go have fun with all of the other men. The next day she texted me to ask when we could meet. No reply from me.

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6 is way too many. That is what an amateur would do ;)

 

I go online and pick 3 prospects then I *hide my profile* and I work on those 3 prospects.

 

Out of 3 for sure 1 will be a NO GO right from the start when we meet. Then number 2 will maybe get a second date and the last standing will get a 3rd date. If after 3 dates that doesn't materialize into anything I go back online and pick 3 more prospects and again hide my profile till I meet them, etc. Repeat.

 

In your case I am sure 50% of those 6 will be eliminated by date 1.

 

You are not doing anything wrong by meeting one on Saturday and the other on Sunday. Also these are not real dates, they're first face-to-face contact, keep them nice and short.

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I am not emotionally getting invested in these women, as in "feelings". I did not mean that by saying "emotional".

 

For example, last night I came home and just "turned off". I could not read another message, reply to another message. I get an email from a woman this morning, who I have been chatting with, asking me why I disappeared! Last week I went 2 days without replying to a woman and she replied "I guess we are not a match!"

 

It's emotioanlly difficult for me to do the numbers game I guess, to keep up with it all, to invest quality time getting to know one at a time.

 

 

I think you took dating as a numbers game too literally. You have to do it gradually and not so much at one time. So contact two or three and see how it goes. But six at a time I see why you are tired already. You just can't truly emotionally invest with that many at once. Too much.

 

Also yes, if I'm texting or communicating with a guy for a couple days and he suddenly stops I think he's not interested anymore, not that into me, or dating someone else, and I move on.

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Wow - 6 women?

 

Either you live in an area with a lot of awesome prospects or you're not screening enough. The one time I did OLD I had tons of messages but, honestly, nowhere close to 6 that seemed like they'd be a good fit. Maybe I am too picky. :o

 

Anyway, I'm with Gaeta on a good approach.

 

I also think that anyone who says "I guess we are not a match!" after not hearing from you for 2 days is absolutely correct. ;)

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I went through something like this about a month ago after re-enabling my OLD profile. In a span of three days or so I had communications going with eight or nine women. Of those I set up dates with six; the others we just couldn't get schedules to agree.

 

So I had six dates in four days. It wasn't terrible, though it was hectic and I wouldn't do it again. It was too many. Of those six three were immediately out for a second date. I had a slight interest in one for a second date. Two were great from the first date and I'm still seeing one of those today. (We're now exclusive.)

 

I almost treated it like a work project. I had notes for each date, including likes/dislikes, important comments made while we chatted, etc.

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I went through something like this about a month ago after re-enabling my OLD profile. In a span of three days or so I had communications going with eight or nine women. Of those I set up dates with six; the others we just couldn't get schedules to agree.

 

So I had six dates in four days. It wasn't terrible, though it was hectic and I wouldn't do it again. It was too many. Of those six three were immediately out for a second date. I had a slight interest in one for a second date. Two were great from the first date and I'm still seeing one of those today. (We're now exclusive.)

 

I almost treated it like a work project. I had notes for each date, including likes/dislikes, important comments made while we chatted, etc.

 

A work project, funny, I was thinking to myself, it's almost like a job.

 

To the poster who hides/disables their profile, I tried this and got messages "Why did you disable your profile, are you no longer interested in me?"

 

Chocolat, well, after hitting the Hide button so many times for women in my area, I had to go out another 25 miles, and that's when the hits started! The Washington DC "market" is amazing! I have women telling me I need to move there as there are no good men there and I will do well! Hmmmmmmm..... Ha!

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To the poster who hides/disables their profile, I tried this and got messages "Why did you disable your profile, are you no longer interested in me?"
and you answer *nope not at all, everything is alright, I just felt like putting it away this week* You don't owe anyone an explanation. If that has them run away well....ppfftt! their loss. I had men ask me the exact same thing and I answered I was taking a break from the BS.

 

See, someone that likes you and seed you as a good prospect, won't be turned of that easily.

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organizedchaos
Ha, I will not disagree based on the men who have posted on LS about their frustrations with OLD. If you are thoughtful in your replies, read between the lines in their profiles, pay atttention to who they are, what they are "telling you", and respond appropriately, your success rate can be good.

 

I also do not have any pics of me with a fish, a deer, drinking with "my buds", my boat, my car, my house, or my shirt off. I've actually had woman ask me why I don't.

 

A woman I have been texting with asked me for a pic of my package, hard, late Saturday night. I kindly said no. She said all of the other men send her one. I told her to go have fun with all of the other men. The next day she texted me to ask when we could meet. No reply from me.

 

Haha, I don't do that either.

 

Maybe you need to start an excel spreadsheet. Put in name, link to profile, notes about them, a photo, and update it to keep it all sorted ;)

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I love this thread. Same as the tinder one. Already made a mental note

to myself reading this forum that once fully healed from the breakup:

 

 

A - Get a smartphone (for tinder)

B - Get on OLD

and now C - don't message too many women at once :p

 

 

Apparantly there is a ****load of fun I am missing out of.

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Haha, I don't do that either.

 

Maybe you need to start an excel spreadsheet. Put in name, link to profile, notes about them, a photo, and update it to keep it all sorted ;)

Or hire a personal assistant!

 

Actually, the 2 that disappeared, I initally "felt something" then after a few more chats, something felt off (especially sending me so many photos so fast; it was like they were selling me on their bodies/looks), so that was a good thing that they disappeared, else I would have had 8!

 

1 of the 6 is sending me loooooong emails now; getting way too deep in her life story over email, too soon, IMHO; at least for me. Feels like a red flag already. But, she is, hot! :)

 

Gaeta, I like your suggestion. What I have found though, is when I disable my account, and then return, it's like I am the "new meat on the market" and I start getting Activity again.

 

1 of the 6 has really got my attention. A gf of hers who is on the dating site, found me on the site, told her about me, told her she thought the two of us were a great match, she created a profile, so she could see me, turns out the site thinks we are a 96% match, she messaged me, we exchanged #'s, and she has not been back on the dating site since. And she told me she had no plans to go back on the site as her firsat 24 hours on the site scared her!

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I love this thread. Same as the tinder one. Already made a mental note

to myself reading this forum that once fully healed from the breakup:

 

 

A - Get a smartphone (for tinder)

B - Get on OLD

and now C - don't message too many women at once :p

 

 

Apparantly there is a ****load of fun I am missing out of.

 

Ahhh, Tinder. I have not tried that one, and I don't think I will as I am, hearing it's just for hookups; not my thing.

 

Yes, heal first, good idea.

 

At first it IS fun, and exciting to get attention, but I think one needs to manage it well, thus my post.

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All means zero if you haven't met them.

 

More than 2/3 meet ups a week gets difficult if you find you quite like them as you then gotta arrange second dates, dinners and onwards.... or you start losing them.

 

The suggestion to stick with three then maybe hide your photo is a good one. Girls don't contact guys without a photo.

 

Remember the goal of online dating is to STOP online dating.

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Ruby Slippers

It's none of my business - but you broke up with your ex 12 days ago, and you're already ready to date again?

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You shouldn't have to spend more than 10 minutes a day. Anything longer and you're wasting time. I have a standard message I copy and paste to an email and send out to all of the women I would have interest in. Out of those, expect about a 10% reply rate. When I get a reply, I shoot one email back, ask for a number, and set up a drink date. If it doesn't got anywhere quickly, I move on and end communication. It's purely a numbers game.

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This is why I refuse coffee meetings when I did OLD... I wasn't about to waste even an hour of my time with guys who need to keep spreadsheets to keep track of all their 'dates'. I always found coffee meetings to be grossly uninformative with very little connection to how they were later on. Mostly it was their opportunity to use me as free therapy talk time. Boring. When I agree to meet someone, it needs to be doing something fun. It can be free or cheap... but it needs to be fun.

 

 

Anyway Babs... I'm with the other poster. If you've got 6 prospects, then you aren't screening properly. See how they do exploring cheap/free fun options other than coffee. That will narrow it down.

 

 

If you are going to do OLD, you can't worry about letting a few slide off your plate. When I did it, it was strictly as a backup and filler for my real life efforts to meet new people and expand my social circle.

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It's none of my business - but you broke up with your ex 12 days ago, and you're already ready to date again?

I've been waiting for this!

 

Emotionally, I was never fully committed to an "us" the 2nd time. I now know that. I felt it then, but wanted to see if things would get better for me. And, in the last 6+ weeks we saw each other 3 times. We were both emotionally disconnecting, not spending time together, for me it's been for a while. I realized that just a few days after we agreed to stop. All of my anxiety is gone, I feel calm, I feel at peace. I don't miss her in a dating relationship sense. I think about her as a friend, which I know is strange to say.

 

Am I ready to get into a serious relationship? I don't think so, but I am curious to date again. I was just starting to do that when she came back to me in late November to ask to try again.

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You gotta take notes on your smartphone contact app. Put down info that you would immediately recall, so you don't mix them up. I did some multi-dating, but I never sleep with more than 1 at a time. I had consecutive 1st dates, and I immediately eliminate most of them, so I can concentrate on 1. It's good to meet soon so you don't waste time and energy exploring. The 1st dates are great indicators for me, because I always kiss, so the chemistry is revealed. Plus there are stuff that you can't know until 1st date. Like there was one gorgeous woman I went on a date with, and something about her wasn't right. It turns out she exhibited some gestures that remind me of my ex-wife. I was instantly turned off. Good thing I met her just a week after talking to her online.

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This is why I refuse coffee meetings when I did OLD... I wasn't about to waste even an hour of my time with guys who need to keep spreadsheets to keep track of all their 'dates'. I always found coffee meetings to be grossly uninformative with very little connection to how they were later on. Mostly it was their opportunity to use me as free therapy talk time. Boring. When I agree to meet someone, it needs to be doing something fun. It can be free or cheap... but it needs to be fun.

 

 

Anyway Babs... I'm with the other poster. If you've got 6 prospects, then you aren't screening properly. See how they do exploring cheap/free fun options other than coffee. That will narrow it down.

 

 

If you are going to do OLD, you can't worry about letting a few slide off your plate. When I did it, it was strictly as a backup and filler for my real life efforts to meet new people and expand my social circle.

 

Well said, and this is how I feel. I don't want to "collect and store data", that just feels odd to me.

 

I already emailed 2 today telling them I did not think it was a match. Both replied stating they appreciated my honesty and stated they would like to be friends.

 

The one I am meeting Saturday for coffee, I did ask her to do something else, first. She is brand new to OLD and replied suggesting coffee/lunch. She's been cautious in our chats, so I understand where she is coming from. We are meeting in a part of town that will allow us to do a lot of walking (it's a urban street shops kind of area with lots of restaurants and shops) , so it's my plan to hopefully do that, too.

 

I like your slide off your plate comment, too. My social circle has greatly expanded in the past year. I am looking at OLD differently than I did 2 years ago when I met my ex gf on Match.com. Honestly, if I made a new friend or two from OLD, I would be fine with that.

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You shouldn't have to spend more than 10 minutes a day. Anything longer and you're wasting time. I have a standard message I copy and paste to an email and send out to all of the women I would have interest in. Out of those, expect about a 10% reply rate. When I get a reply, I shoot one email back, ask for a number, and set up a drink date. If it doesn't got anywhere quickly, I move on and end communication. It's purely a numbers game.

 

No disrespect at all, to each his own, keep doing what you do. It's men like you that help me to shine when I send a message! :)

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It's none of my business - but you broke up with your ex 12 days ago, and you're already ready to date again?

 

I'll add, strangely I could not call her my gf this time, nor could I tell her I loved her. Even in my posts here I noticed I was saying "my ex gf" in reference to current day\time. I think I hung around, as she put it, because of her efforts and hoped that something would "break through" for me..it just never did.

 

I'm not going into OLD looking for a wife. More just wanting to date, see how it feels.

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