How for middle aged virgin?

[Blue Gardenia]

I am 43, a woman.

Only one serious relationship a few years ago, no sex.

I do not have aspergers. I am a successful professional, good career, reasonably attractive, financially secure.

I am shy. I have tried online dating for many years, and get a few dates per year that don't go anywhere.

 

Is it safe to say I probably will never have a relationship? I am struggling with letting go. I thought it would be easier than this, because when I was in my 20 s I was able to focus on friends, career-building, fun activities. Gradually everyone around me became coupled and I felt the loneliness. I'm trying to accept, but it is hurting inside!

 

What should I do? This year, I'm having a hard time too because I have elderly parents who have taken a turn for the worse, so I spend a lot of after-work hours at their place. I'm having a hard time accepting this as my fate.

[Assasda]

There is a pretty famous poem, Invictus by William Ernest Henley

I'd like for the OP to read that.

 

Also on your dates, do you generally care?

Do you think you can make the guy better? or are you just selfishly going out with him.

 

Try to have more fun, just for the sake of it, and leave politics behind, you enjoy it so much more when thats all you do

[FitChick]

You could try Christian dating websites where virginity is prized.

 

You could hire an escort. Go to the Sex Forum and look for the thread where a young woman had an amazing night with a pro. Expensive but worth every penny according to her. Perhaps contact her to ask for the name of the place. I think it was in Paris.

[Blue Gardenia]

You could try Christian dating websites where virginity is prized.

 

You could hire an escort. Go to the Sex Forum and look for the thread where a young woman had an amazing night with a pro. Expensive but worth every penny according to her. Perhaps contact her to ask for the name of the place. I think it was in Paris.

 

 

 

I'm not searching for a booty call, just wondering if I'm even "date-able" at this stage, with a date turning into a relationship.

[GorillaTheater]

I am 43, a woman.

Only one serious relationship a few years ago, no sex.

I do not have aspergers.

 

This seemed to appear so quickly and out of the blue that I wonder if there's some facet of your personality that led you to explore whether or not you might have had Aspergers. Or did others suggest it may be a possibility?

[Blue Gardenia]

This seemed to appear so quickly and out of the blue that I wonder if there's some facet of your personality that led you to explore whether or not you might have had Aspergers. Or did others suggest it may be a possibility?

 

 

 

No, I was reading a post on here by someone else who said they had never had a real relationship because they had Asperger's. I just wanted to clarify that I've never had difficulty with interpersonal relationships overall, just difficulty attracting the opposite sex.

[PegNosePete]

Is it safe to say I probably will never have a relationship?

With that attitude, yes. Confidence and happiness are attractive. If you are fun to be around then guys will want to be around you.

 

I'm having a hard time accepting this as my fate.

There's no fate but what we make. I stole that line from Terminator 2 but it's true. You are solely responsible for your own happiness. You CAN turn your life around and do whatever you want to do. Have you seen/read Walter Mitty?

 

Now I know telling someone who is depressed to snap out of it is not the right thing to do because you simply can't just do that. It does sound very much as though you are depressed. You really should check that out and if it's true, seek treatment.

[Babolat]

With that attitude, yes. Confidence and happiness are attractive. If you are fun to be around then guys will want to be around you.

 

Please repeat this, 1000 times! Men find confidence sexy and attractive, too! Even if you have low self-esteem, lack confidence, for god's sake, don't tell me on the 1st date, even the 2nd date! Fake it if you have to, let me figure it out on my own. And, work on being more social, force yourself to talk, when you don't feel comfortable doing so.

 

The girl on LS I refer to as my FWB, she is very attractive, great body, fun to hang out with (if she has two drinks in her). She constantly talked bad about herself: I am not social, I will probably not talk around your friends, my breasts are too small, I am 29, not married, I should be, what's wrong with me. It became soooooo unattractive after a while that I could no longer see her physical beauty.

 

There's no fate but what we make. I stole that line from Terminator 2 but it's true. You are solely responsible for your own happiness. You CAN turn your life around and do whatever you want to do. Have you seen/read Walter Mitty?

 

Now I know telling someone who is depressed to snap out of it is not the right thing to do because you simply can't just do that. It does sound very much as though you are depressed. You really should check that out and if it's true, seek treatment.

 

+1 for the reference to Terminator!

 

I agree with this. Even if it's uncomfortable to be social, to talk, put yourself out there, work on changes that will attract men, to you. As a man, I had to and I continue to. It's easy for me to crawl into my cave and disappear; I have to force myself to get out, be social, talk when I am not comfortable doing so. And, I feel better when I do.

 

OP, your comment "Is it safe to say I probably will never have a relationship?" reminds me so much of the 29 year old I reference above. Men do not want to hear, or see this. You may not be saying it with your words even...

[Babolat]

I just read your "email 2x or let it go??" post on here.

 

You may be giving off some kind of negative, maybe desperate vibe; difficult to know without meeting you. A constant message I hear is "lonely". I am alone, 47 and single, but I don't feel lonely. Figure out why you feel lonely, other than just wanting a man by your side.

 

Join some MeetUps; get active in other things. Heck, consider a FWB and/or booty calls if you have not had sex yet. Some on here frown at this, I even did until I recnelty kind of had a FWB. It was something I now know I needed at the time in my life, and I see nothing wrong with it looking back. I won't do it again.

[Blue Gardenia]

With that attitude, yes. Confidence and happiness are attractive. If you are fun to be around then guys will want to be around you.

 

 

There's no fate but what we make. I stole that line from Terminator 2 but it's true. You are solely responsible for your own happiness. You CAN turn your life around and do whatever you want to do. Have you seen/read Walter Mitty?

 

Now I know telling someone who is depressed to snap out of it is not the right thing to do because you simply can't just do that. It does sound very much as though you are depressed. You really should check that out and if it's true, seek treatment.

 

 

 

I agree overall. I guess I've tried, and I keep failing, so I assumed I was a lost cause. But what if I were to tell you that when I am on a date, I do put my best self forward? Maybe its my looks, or something else that I am not aware of? The larger problem is that the online dating world is not conducive to meeting men (hence that's why I only get about 2 to 3 dates per year), which leaves me a bit stuck in terms of meeting men. I have joined meet ups but the men are usually seniors or they are attached.

[xxoo]

I read you post from 2011, titled 40 year old virgin. It sounds like you are a virgin secondary to being unmarried, because you've had relationships where you've chosen to delay sex until marriage.

 

But a lot of women don't marry. Most marry, but not all. Sometimes things don't work out that way.

 

Have you changed your philosophy on sex before marriage?

[Babolat]

The larger problem is that the online dating world is not conducive to meeting men (hence that's why I only get about 2 to 3 dates per year

Wait, are you saying when you are on OLD, men do not message you? I find that difficult to believe based on the stories and feedback I hear from women. They get flooded with messages and attention. I would assume, if you really wanted to, you could have a date every night.

 

Have you asked a man to review\preview your profile? I've done this for a few female friends to see "how it reads".

[Blue Gardenia]

Wait, are you saying when you are on OLD, men do not message you? I find that difficult to believe based on the stories and feedback I hear from women. They get flooded with messages and attention. I would assume, if you really wanted to, you could have a date every night.

 

Have you asked a man to review\preview your profile? I've done this for a few female friends to see "how it reads".

 

 

 

I get messages from time to time, about 2 or 3 times per month. Usually only if I am online and someone sees my picture with "online now" underneath. So the man who emails me does so based on my picture, not my profile (i.e. "hi, cute smile, how are you"). Which is fine, but usually those messages are from men who are 99% incompatible.

 

 

My friends have read my profile, and they like it. Other men I have gone out with and whom I've liked, have also liked my profile. I guess I've never worried about my profile, except that my picture indicates that I am non-causcasion.

[Blue Gardenia]

I read you post from 2011, titled 40 year old virgin. It sounds like you are a virgin secondary to being unmarried, because you've had relationships where you've chosen to delay sex until marriage.

 

But a lot of women don't marry. Most marry, but not all. Sometimes things don't work out that way.

 

Have you changed your philosophy on sex before marriage?

 

 

 

I have had one relationship only, where he agreed with my decision to delay sex, but we were intimate nonetheless. Before him, though, I had no relationship experience at all - only casual dating.

[clia]

I am 43, a woman.

Only one serious relationship a few years ago, no sex.

I do not have aspergers. I am a successful professional, good career, reasonably attractive, financially secure.

I am shy. I have tried online dating for many years, and get a few dates per year that don't go anywhere.

 

Is it safe to say I probably will never have a relationship? I am struggling with letting go. I thought it would be easier than this, because when I was in my 20 s I was able to focus on friends, career-building, fun activities. Gradually everyone around me became coupled and I felt the loneliness. I'm trying to accept, but it is hurting inside!

 

What should I do? This year, I'm having a hard time too because I have elderly parents who have taken a turn for the worse, so I spend a lot of after-work hours at their place. I'm having a hard time accepting this as my fate.

 

If you truly are financially secure, attractive, and successful, I think you are dateable. That said, wanting to wait until marriage for sex is really going to narrow your options. Most men in their 40s are not going to want to wait a year or two (or however long you would like to date before marriage) for sex. That said, if you have been intimate before, you might be able to get around that by doing "everything but." That's provided you find the right man.

 

Have you tried Meetup.com? You can look for groups aimed at people in their 30s and 40s. That might be a better option than online dating.

[Gaeta]

I am 43, a woman. I am a successful professional, good career, reasonably attractive, financially secure.

I am shy.

You are more than shy, I am sorry you suffer from social anxiety or the like. Shy people get married or laid every day. At your age and your level of success you can afford professional counseling.

[Blue Gardenia]

You are more than shy, I am sorry you suffer from social anxiety or the like. Shy people get married or laid every day. At your age and your level of success you can afford professional counseling.

 

 

 

I have social anxiety in certain situations; I don't have a disorder. When I started casually dating when I was in my mid-30s (yes, very late in life), I was very anxious -- like a teenager. Gradually over the years I have become more comfortable with the opposite sex. The relationship I did have was very natural and effortless in terms of how we related and interacted with each other.

 

 

so yes, I guess I am on that spectrum, although I attend social events, networking events, meetings, parties all the time. I am anxious when alone at these events and know absolutely no one; I am not anxious when I know someone and/or if a friend/colleague accompanies me. I think many people are like that.

 

 

But who knows - maybe I do have a disorder and that has prevented me from attracting the opposite sex. I have had counselling (in regards to the break up from 2011) and I was told that I was shy and inexperienced, but she did not say I had an anxiety disorder.

[pteromom]

I am not anxious when I know someone and/or if a friend/colleague accompanies me.

 

Do you have any friends who would go out with you to a local bar? Not a dance club or anything, just a small neighborhood bar that offers darts or pool. A place where you can meet men in a casual environment.

 

Also, finding some meet-ups, hobbies with get-togethers, etc. may be a good option for you.

 

I don't think it is impossible that you will meet someone, but obviously a lot of that depends on the way you come across. If you are very closed off and "cold", it will be much more difficult to find someone willing to cross the barriers to see what's on the other side.

[Grumpybutfun]

Tell of your friends, family, acquaintances that you are ready to really date and let them set you up on blind dates. Join every club, group, volunteer club, anything that puts you out there and let people know you are looking for companionship and dating. Being shy has robbed you of an experience you want, so it is time to just say, if I am shy because of rejection, I would rather be rejected than invisible.

Be proactive. Your love life, sex life, spiritual life is up to you. Stop letting you sabotage your happiness. If you feel you can't do this, get a life coach or therapist. You have spent too much time waiting and not enough time doing. Stop being passive. You are hurting yourself.

Good luck and keep reaching out. Everyone deserves to find someone to share their happiness with,

Grumps

[Babolat]

I get messages from time to time, about 2 or 3 times per month. Usually only if I am online and someone sees my picture with "online now" underneath. So the man who emails me does so based on my picture, not my profile (i.e. "hi, cute smile, how are you"). Which is fine, but usually those messages are from men who are 99% incompatible.

 

 

My friends have read my profile, and they like it. Other men I have gone out with and whom I've liked, have also liked my profile. I guess I've never worried about my profile, except that my picture indicates that I am non-causcasion.

 

This makes no sense to me, 2 -3 messages, a month? Something is off, especially if you are attractive. My good female friend was on Match.com for 3 months; she got over 3000 messages. I chat with women online now who say they get over a hundred a day sometimes. I wonder how they even find my needle message in the message haystack!

 

I'm trying to help here, not sure what to say though. Something about your profile must be turning men off. Do you talk about sex in your profile?

 

BTW, when I was 20, I started dating my first wife. We dated for 2 years, NO SEX, as she wanted to wait until her wedding night. I had sex before her, so trust me, it was a challenge, but I waited, because I respected her and liked her. Would I do that again at 47? Hmmm...my first thought is No. But, given an amazing woman, I might.

[Babolat]

I have social anxiety in certain situations; I don't have a disorder. When I started casually dating when I was in my mid-30s (yes, very late in life), I was very anxious -- like a teenager. Gradually over the years I have become more comfortable with the opposite sex. The relationship I did have was very natural and effortless in terms of how we related and interacted with each other.

 

 

so yes, I guess I am on that spectrum, although I attend social events, networking events, meetings, parties all the time. I am anxious when alone at these events and know absolutely no one; I am not anxious when I know someone and/or if a friend/colleague accompanies me. I think many people are like that.

 

 

But who knows - maybe I do have a disorder and that has prevented me from attracting the opposite sex. I have had counselling (in regards to the break up from 2011) and I was told that I was shy and inexperienced, but she did not say I had an anxiety disorder.

 

I am not reading you have General Anxiety Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder. Heck, you state you go to social events where you do not know anyone, alone. That is pretty brave in my opinion.

 

I feel like we are missing something here....

[Blue Gardenia]

This makes no sense to me, 2 -3 messages, a month? Something is off, especially if you are attractive. My good female friend was on Match.com for 3 months; she got over 3000 messages. I chat with women online now who say they get over a hundred a day sometimes.

 

.

 

 

Over 3000 messages in 3 months, i.e. 1000 a month?? That is incredible -- unless she is not limiting her geographical area? I don't want to be receiving emails someone from another continent, nor do I think that is safe/practical.

 

When I first started doing this stuff, I would get several a week and then they started petering off.

 

 

If I was online all the time, my picture would flash on the website so guys would click on it if they liked it. But I'm not online all the time, and I'd rather be contacted if someone reads my profile rather than just liked my picture.

 

 

But even when I was on multiple sites (plenty of fish, eharmony, lavalife), I never got 3000 messages! Might be my city - not a lot of singles, and far more middle aged single women than middle aged single men.

[Gaeta]

You don't need to have a Disorder to consult a therapist. You can go and talk about your dating and relationships inexperience and your fears related to it.

 

I am sure by now you have unrealistic expectation of what sex is. Longer we wait to have sex for the first time bigger an issue it becomes. I am sure you have become very nervous and anxious about sex and losing your virginity.

 

You could also join a group called Toastmaters where people with fears like yours (fear of crowds, approaching others) have meetings and work on their issues.

 

Finally, you may not be a good candidate for online dating, about you reach to an meeting agency instead? They will come up with a prospect custom made for you.

[Blue Gardenia]

You don't need to have a Disorder to consult a therapist. You can go and talk about your dating and relationships inexperience and your fears related to it.

 

I am sure by now you have unrealistic expectation of what sex is. Longer we wait to have sex for the first time bigger an issue it becomes. I am sure you have become very nervous and anxious about sex and losing your virginity.

 

You could also join a group called Toastmaters where people with fears like yours (fear of crowds, approaching others) have meetings and work on their issues.

 

Finally, you may not be a good candidate for online dating, about you reach to an meeting agency instead? They will come up with a prospect custom made for you.

 

 

I don't have a fear of crowds or approaching others. I'm not that unassertive or reclusive. I joined Toastmasters when I was in university because I did not like giving presentations, but I conquered that years ago.

 

 

Of course I am nervous about sex as I am a statistical anomaly, never having had sex at all in my life! That is why I posted in the first place. I did discuss these issues with a therapist back in 2011, and she didn't really have a lot to say about it. She saw that my relationship that had ended was positive; and she thought I was overall well-adjusted in other facets of life; and, at the time, I was "actively" perusing the online dating opportunities that came up -- and she felt that was healthy. She didn't suggest I get out of the game but rather encouraged me to stop thinking that I was somehow "abnormal".

[Babolat]

I don't have a fear of crowds or approaching others. I'm not that unassertive or reclusive. I joined Toastmasters when I was in university because I did not like giving presentations, but I conquered that years ago.

 

 

Of course I am nervous about sex as I am a statistical anomaly, never having had sex at all in my life! That is why I posted in the first place. I did discuss these issues with a therapist back in 2011, and she didn't really have a lot to say about it. She saw that my relationship that had ended was positive; and she thought I was overall well-adjusted in other facets of life; and, at the time, I was "actively" perusing the online dating opportunities that came up -- and she felt that was healthy. She didn't suggest I get out of the game but rather encouraged me to stop thinking that I was somehow "abnormal".

 

I will say it again, I feel like there is something you are not telling us. You are an attractive, intelligent, social woman who tried OLD with little to no success. My female friend is 46, attractive; I read her profile, nothing special, and she got all kinds of attention from local men. In fact knowing her the way I do I suggested she modify her profile but she chose not to. Men flock to her when we are out as she has amazing energy, just a great vibe about her. She is not an extrovert or a flirt either. It's her energy. The energy she puts off.

 

You must be saying something in your profile, saying something to men when you meet them, or putting off some kind of vibe they are picking up on.