Does he sound non-committal to you?

[Chico333]

So I started seeing this guy 3 months ago. He was giving me all the right signs at the beginning and doing everything a good guy should be doing in terms of courtship. I was not wanting to jump into any type of relationship so, I never brought the subject up. We started sleeping together and I then brought up exclusivity in terms of sex and we both made it clear that we were only sleeping with each other. I noticed his communication was not at the same level as what I wanted and the same went in terms of spending time together. I gave it a little more time and nothing was changing so I stopped contact and declined any date invites from him.

 

He noticed something was off and asked if he could stop by to pick something up he left at my place. He got his stuff and then asked if something was bothering me because he noticed I'd been stand-offish. I told him that it seemed like maybe we were not on the page and that he was just kind of doing his own thing. I told him if that's the case, then that's fine but that if I'm going to be dating someone I would like them to put forth the same effort that I do into the relationship/friendship. I also said that his lack of communication with me was leaving me in dark and that basically it just made me feel like he didn't really care.

 

He felt really bad and apologized for the way he made me feel and for his behavior and that there were some personal things he's been dealing with. He said he doesn't really know what he wants. When he said that, I said that was fine and that I had no hard feelings towards him if he didn't feel the same for me/ want to put forth the effort. I made it clear that if he wants to continue whatever it is we have going on that he needs to step it up. He told me he enjoys spending time together and really likes me. He said I deserve more respect than what he was giving me and that he was going to stop being a "douche" (in my own words). He asked me what I wanted him to change, and I told him "well I basically just told you."

 

So... I accepted the apology and we went about things back to "normal" and he has done what he said and stepped up and blah blah blah. We are in our late 20's. Supposedly his longest relationship has only been 6 months. and anytime he's referred to a previous relationship he puts it in terms of "I used to date this girl/ this girl I dated." It almost sounds as if he has never had a real relationship/gf. He seems like a good guy and has been up front with me about everything as far as I know.

 

I'm going to bring up the subject of where he thinks he sees this going. Not sure I am ready for a committed relationship as of yet, but I see potential in this turning into one and do like him. I just want to know if I'm wasting my time dating him if he still doesn't know what he may want out of this.

 

He told me once that if he still wasn't married by his mid 30's he'd be perfectly fine with that. Ummm red flag??

Edited March 3, 2014 by Chico333

[Chico333]

Just read this post online...

 

How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?

 

maybe this is the answer to my question.

 

Maybe I should just walk away if there is still uncertainty rather than nag and ask...

[pickflicker]

There should be some certainty by the time you start sleeping together. He's non-committal. Either go with it and enjoy, or back out now if it's not what you want.

[Leigh 87]

If he met a girl he was really into he would move mountains to be with her.

 

I am sure he likes you but just not enough to happily rule out other prospects as of yet and focus all his attention onto YOU, with no other "options" he is free to "explore".

 

Guys are simple. Most guys that have a normal degree of empathy and feeling towards others and who ARE NOT recently divorced/separated and broken up with, will make it loud and clear when they meet a women they are smitten with.

 

 

 

3 months is definitely enough time to know if you have met "the one".

[Chico333]

ugghh. Yeah you guys are probably right... he asked if he could see me today but I couldnt and then asked to see me tomorrow and I said sure so... we are going to hang out. I kind of want to say something to get it out. God dating can be so frustrating...

[OhThatGirl]

Until I saw the age I thought you were dating the same guy I ended things with. Let me tell you, if you want casual dating then go for it. If you want a serious relationship leading to marriage and kids, look elsewhere. He's outright telling you he's not actively pursuing these things. Us women tend to believe if we put in the time and develop the relationship these things will happen because.. Well, he hasn't said he doesn't want those things right?

 

Doesn't work like that. If he was with someone for 6 months and afterwards still describes them as a girl he was seeing you can guarantee he's thinking if you as a girl he's seeing. Exclusivity does not always equal a relationship... At least not a serious one that will progress.

 

It may not be a reflection on his level of interest. It's simply a matter of what he is capable of providing.

 

But seriously though. The guy I dated did the exact same routine "I really like you, I want to continue seeing you, I'm not seeing anyone else" .. That's about as serious as it started and finished. Communication sucked. We didn't have the same goals in mind for the future. He just wasn't able to give anything more than dating.

 

Before you get more involved and emotionally invested, Id ask yourself what you expect out of a relationship and if anything he is telling you aligns with your goals. If you're thinking of his potential and not what he's saying/showing you, it's time to move on.

[Leigh 87]

It may not be a reflection on his level of interest. It's simply a matter of what he is capable of providing.

 

If a man meets a girl he is totally smitten with, he will move mountains to be with her.

 

Most grown men I know of who SAY they "don't want a relationship" or "they cannot give you want you need" ALL of them happily drop everything once they meet a girl who knocks their socks off.

 

I have seen this with nearly all men I know of; only men lacking empathy or with some sociopathic tendencies ARE NOT capable of falling head over heels.

 

It IS a reflection of his lack of interest in her.

 

There is a girl out there somewhere that this man would quiet simply, drop everything for just to be with.

 

It is rare but it happens; men who don't want relationships will have one immediately with a girl he is really into.

[Chico333]

So... should I say something and see what his reaction is or just drop it and fade? He invited me out of town for an event with some of his friends next weekend. I said I most likely wouldn't be able to make it and he's made it clear that he really wants me to go...am I making excuses for him to make myself think maybe it's possible he may want something later? I know all I can do is either ask or walk away...

[Chico333]

I need to stop putting him on a pedestal... this about whether he is good enough for me. (haha sorry trying to motivate my level of thinking here).

 

I will bring this topic up tomorrow because it is plenty enough time to want to see where this is headed, even though I already have a pretty good idea he's not serious, it will still give me closure when I do get an answer from him.

 

Pretty sure he will say he can't give me what I'm looking for and that's ok because I want someone who's looking for a mature relationship and not just to hang around. If I was the one then he would have let me know by now.

[Leigh 87]

He seems to really enjoy having you around for companionship and sex (the sex is obviously good for him to stick around).

 

Look at the facts here:

 

-you want a committed relationship. You want to find a guy who wants the same things and who sees you as a serious prospect.

- he has given no indications that he wants a relationship with you. After months, a guy knows if he is really into a woman and sees her as long term material.

-after months, a man lets a woman know if he wants to snap her up and take her off the market indefinitely

 

 

 

 

 

Some men are cool guys, yet they just don't have enough to offer someone in the way of relationships and commitment. They are not necessarily bad people, your guy is at least honest about things and he is not dangling commitment or a relationship in your face; he has said no such thing and he is not pretending to want anything out of you to get sex. He has never told you he wanted a relationship.

 

Some of these guys who just haven't managed to have successful relationships and who have only dated for 6 months tops and are in their mid 30's or beyond, will never settle down with one woman.

 

While other men who are normally this way inclined (don't like to lead things in a serious direction), can actually change when they meet "the one", that one girl who changed everything.

[Kitchen]

OP you sound so sweet. IMO you should walk away from this guy.

 

Like Leigh said, if you really are into someone, you fall head over heels for them and you know you want a relationship. When he said "Idk what I want", that is a huge red flag. This shouldn't be a reflection on you though. Sometimes people just don't mesh up properly. Or maybe he's getting over a breakup, or maybe he has other issues he's dealing with.

 

I've been in your situation, on both ends, and I am not proud of it.

 

Having the desire to be in a relationship with someone is a black and white thing. You either really want it, and if you don't really want it, you don't want it at all.

 

Also, you told him you are not looking for a relationship, but then started sleeping with him. That's fine if casual sex is what you're looking for. But then you wanted this exclusivity, but not a relationship? How does that work?

 

If you are having sex with him, it should be casual (in which case he can sleep with whomever else he wants), or in the context of a relationship. Don't try to form some sort of middle ground like this, because you will end up hurt.

 

Source: experience.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, he is doing that you asked him to do. Granted, you had to actually spell it out for him but he seems to be following though now. That could be a positive sign.

 

On the other hand, he has honestly told you that he doesn't know what he wants. If you are looking for a commitment, he may not be the right one. I would have an honest talk with him and let him know what you're hoping for, and ask him the same. Then you can decide if you're willing to give it more time to develop, or if you'd prefer to move on.

 

On a side note, I don't necessarily think it's a red flag that he'd be ok not being married by his mid-30s. I'm in my early 30s, and while I'm not avoiding commitment, I would also be fine not marrying within the next couple years. I wouldn't read too much into that comment, at the moment.

[Conners]

If he met a girl he was really into he would move mountains to be with her.

 

I am sure he likes you but just not enough to happily rule out other prospects as of yet and focus all his attention onto YOU, with no other "options" he is free to "explore".

 

Guys are simple. Most guys that have a normal degree of empathy and feeling towards others and who ARE NOT recently divorced/separated and broken up with, will make it loud and clear when they meet a women they are smitten with.

 

 

 

3 months is definitely enough time to know if you have met "the one".

 

Hi Leigh,

 

I notice in a lot of your responses to these types of threads you basically reply with the same general response that "if a guy was truly into you, he would make it happen, head over heels" etc etc.

Of course this is true and it happens..I see people fall for each other hard and then they are over within a few months.

With my ex we were pretty casual for the first 6 months of our relationship, it was similar to the one that the OP has described. We hit a wall when I went travelling overseas for a month and when I came back we kind of got into the "head over heels for each other stage" because we both realized that we actually loved eachother..we hadn't even said I love you before then.

 

My boyfriend before him I thought I loved him within two weeks.. we lasted a year but it was far from love compared to my most recent relationship which naturally progressed.

 

Some relationships take time to progress in my opinion.

[Leigh 87]

Hi Leigh,

 

I notice in a lot of your responses to these types of threads you basically reply with the same general response that "if a guy was truly into you, he would make it happen, head over heels" etc etc.

Of course this is true and it happens..I see people fall for each other hard and then they are over within a few months.

With my ex we were pretty casual for the first 6 months of our relationship, it was similar to the one that the OP has described. We hit a wall when I went travelling overseas for a month and when I came back we kind of got into the "head over heels for each other stage" because we both realized that we actually loved eachother..we hadn't even said I love you before then.

 

My boyfriend before him I thought I loved him within two weeks.. we lasted a year but it was far from love compared to my most recent relationship which naturally progressed.

 

Some relationships take time to progress in my opinion.

 

 

 

Of course different relationships progress a different rate.

 

Personally, I prefer to meet men who don't need to take months to figure out that they are into me and want to only focus their attention on me.

There are men who meet you and think " cool, she is attractive and nice, I want to keep seeing her as well as going on dates with other girls to see who I prefer"

 

I like to stand out against the rest of the pack immediately to a guy, not for looks, since I am a normal looking gal, but for the "something about me" that just grabs the guys attention over most other girls he has ever come across.

 

 

 

 

 

Me and my friend do things like this. We prefer men who are crazy about us from the outset and do not need months to figure out that we are special enough to dedicate all their romantic energy towards:D

 

 

 

It happens albeit not commonly but not too rarely either, that a guy is nuts about a girl from day one and stays that way. It happens it is not a myth.

 

 

 

The OP, like many people, may not mind if a guy doesn't want to commit to her for the first few months, in order for him to date others to "see who he likes best"

[Conners]

Of course different relationships progress a different rate.

 

Personally, I prefer to meet men who don't need to take months to figure out that they are into me and want to only focus their attention on me.

There are men who meet you and think " cool, she is attractive and nice, I want to keep seeing her as well as going on dates with other girls to see who I prefer"

 

I like to stand out against the rest of the pack immediately to a guy, not for looks, since I am a normal looking gal, but for the "something about me" that just grabs the guys attention over most other girls he has ever come across.

 

 

 

 

 

Me and my friend do things like this. We prefer men who are crazy about us from the outset and do not need months to figure out that we are special enough to dedicate all their romantic energy towards:D

 

 

 

It happens albeit not commonly but not too rarely either, that a guy is nuts about a girl from day one and stays that way. It happens it is not a myth.

 

 

 

The OP, like many people, may not mind if a guy doesn't want to commit to her for the first few months, in order for him to date others to "see who he likes best"

 

Yeah I guess I was lucky that my ex wasn't seeing any other girls, we were just very casual about it all.

 

I think it's a very good idea to only go for guys who show a lot of interest and commitment very early on, it can stop all the guessing, mind games and the what if's and save a whole lot of heart break. I think I need to start doing the same thing to be honest.

 

In the past, when I was around 17-19 I found myself to get bored very quickly when I met these super nice "safe" guys and they didn't really interest me. Now i'm 22 I think I need to start giving these nice guys a chance haha.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah I guess I was lucky that my ex wasn't seeing any other girls, we were just very casual about it all.

 

I think it's a very good idea to only go for guys who show a lot of interest and commitment very early on, it can stop all the guessing, mind games and the what if's and save a whole lot of heart break. I think I need to start doing the same thing to be honest.

 

In the past, when I was around 17-19 I found myself to get bored very quickly when I met these super nice "safe" guys and they didn't really interest me. Now i'm 22 I think I need to start giving these nice guys a chance haha.

 

 

 

I am not suggesting that a guy should talk marriage and kids on a first date, I simply want them to get the 'wow" factor about me that instantly makes them switch off to other women.

I have found it twice with men; men who felt it for me. I am 27, dating since age 18.

One man I didn't feel it for, the other guy is my boyfriend.

I did feel it with a guy who I thought felt it for me too only he disappeared when things got hard/ or he was a jerk all along who was never into me and pretended to be crazy about me to get sex.

 

I get that it is "smart" to date around, see a few people for a few months before getting physical; you can determine their values and truly see which person has more to offer you.

You simply cannot gauge how much a person has to offer you, relationships wise, on the first or even 10th date.

I still personally prefer a guy who simply feels that here is "just something about me" that gets him..... From day one, something about me that he cannot quiet put into words, but that makes him think about me a heck of a lot and put ME in his mind AHEAD of any other prospect, even if he DOES decide to date others (and subsequently realise that dating others is fruitless since I am the only woman on his mind).

 

I like a guy who will want to be exclusive right away; I am in Australia, we don't normally feel a need to go on loads of dates with several people at the same time! A lot of us folks tend to focus on dating ONE person at a time:laugh:

The OP's non committal guy may or may not EVER meet a woman where he thinks "wow, this is it, I want to do this with her, I want to be exclusive, only focus on her and see where it goes"

Perhaps he just doesn't get that way about women, the "head over heels" falling crap that most people on here don't even believe is real.

I have simply stated my objective and method of dating and I have had a few duds so far but nothing out of the ordinary I don't have bad luck with dating, I have had two long term R"s, both very loving, one guy cheated the other didn't.

I am now in my third long term Relationship and I have to say, it is the best possible relationship I could ever have hoped for and it all started with this guy being smitten with me and wanting to be exclusive from the get go.

 

Lastly: my ex who cheated on me and was never truly into me sexually/romantically, he also acted non committal and "casual". Turns out, he was never that into me and only saw me as a cool companion who he loved to death but in a platonic sorta' a way.

Where as the guys who were truly into me wanted to only focus on dating me, rather than want to go and date others in order to "see" who he "liked the best".

The guys who were into me just "knew" right away that I was worthy of focusing on ahead of other women, since they HAD enough experience with women to know that the feelings they had for me, upon a mere first impression, was impressionable enough to keep me on their mind too much to bother wanting to "get to know" other women.

There are instances where people successfully multi date but honestly, if you meet "that person" who you are really into, you will think of them before the rest; their texts will be the ones that excited you. They will be the guys you are excited about. You will be dismayed when the other "candidates" call or text.

 

 

 

 

So those are my feelings on non committal guys; some are always like that where as others go gaga over that special someone. Many men don't chase a girl who they feel crazy about, favouring a more practical marriage born out of mutual respect, companionship, stability and a deep love that lacks passion yet delivers a very loving and stable home life.

I prefer to find passion, a guy who just really fancies me from the outset, a guy who waits to find a girl he really likes and then dates her until he sees how things go.

My boyfriend only dates girls he is REALLY into, it is not in him to date several girls since he just "knows" when he is into someone, and once he IS into a girl then he really switches off to other women.

 

 

 

 

 

A switch flips off in some dudes, for instance my boyfriend is like this; when he is really into a girl, other women are pretty much invisible to him

[RedRobin]

If you don't know what you want, it's not fair to expect whoever you are with to know what they want either.

 

 

When you make up your mind, then you are allowed to have expectations. Till then, it sounds like you are just as non-committal as he is.

 

 

In other words, he's not the bad guy here... neither of you sound like you know what you want.

Edited March 3, 2014 by RedRobin

[Chico333]

Well ok... let's just put it this way...if he wanted to be serious I would give it a go and be open to it and go for it. I think Im holding back my feelings a little because I think he may not feel the same way about me.

[Emilia]

Someone help me out of here: how does anyone know whether they are serious about someone without dating them for at least 3 months? Maybe 6? Because I don't. Even though I'm looking for a relationship when a guy asks me what I want I tell him that I have to get to know him first because it's the truth. I can't promise a relationship in the beginning because I don't know him enough.

[Chico333]

Someone help me out of here: how does anyone know whether they are serious about someone without dating them for at least 3 months? Maybe 6? Because I don't. Even though I'm looking for a relationship when a guy asks me what I want I tell him that I have to get to know him first because it's the truth. I can't promise a relationship in the beginning because I don't know him enough.

 

 

That's actually what I was thinking maybe could be going on before asking this question... cause i know some people think that way... My ex was actually like that. He did not want to comitt and was not expecting to because he said he didn't feel like he could really know until around the 6 month mark. I ended up giving him an ultimatum and he went for it.

[Emilia]

That's actually what I was thinking maybe could be going on before asking this question... cause i know some people think that way... My ex was actually like that. He did not want to comitt and was not expecting to because he said he didn't feel like he could really know until around the 6 month mark. I ended up giving him an ultimatum and he went for it.

I mean I would give that person a go and only date them and commit in that sense. No multi dating. Get to know them, spend time together, etc but I can't promise that anything long term will come of it for a while. I don't think anyone can really.

[RedRobin]

I don't date casually... So if I am having sex with a guy... We are in a relationship.

 

OP, you said that if he were willing to commit, then you would too. Not sure what commitment looks like to you. It seems like you have some rather free floating requirements though...

 

If you have expressed your needs and he doesn't seem to want to meet them.. Then I don't know how being 'committed' is going to change that.

[RedRobin]

Well ok... let's just put it this way...if he wanted to be serious I would give it a go and be open to it and go for it. I think Im holding back my feelings a little because I think he may not feel the same way about me.

 

Someone needs to take the first step.

[Iguanna]

I was not wanting to jump into any type of relationship so, I never brought the subject up.

 

I'm going to bring up the subject of where he thinks he sees this going. Not sure I am ready for a committed relationship as of yet

 

It seems to me that you are not sure yourself what you want. If you don't know what you want and you don't demand it, how do you expect people to give you what you want? You gave him the free pass to see you as another girl to date and have sex with and suddenly you realize you are not satisfied with these terms anymore and you get mad at him for not taking you more seriously. How do you expect him to take you seriously when you have let him believe you are just f$ck buddies? Search in yourself what you want and ASK for it. People are not psychics to read your mind.

[Emilia]

I don't date casually... So if I am having sex with a guy... We are in a relationship.

 

But what does that mean? You can still break up with him if you don't like him. I get that it means being exclusive but beyond that being in a relationship for the first year or so is almost meaningless. This is why labels mean so little. It's one thing that you are likely to be the decent person with integrity who would give the guy a fair go. You still don't know him though. And he doesn't know you. Most people break up around the 6 months mark even if they are in a 'relationship'. That's because most people aren't compatible, regardless what they call it.

 

There is no way getting around the uncertainty of getting to know each other. The odds are it won't work out. Most relationships don't. Might as well be honest and say 'don't know'.