Woman I've known 8 years professed her love to me. Not interested. How to respond?

[crederer]

I've known a particular woman a long time now. We are friends. We haven't seen each other much these last couple of years but we met up last weekend. We ended up having sex. I have no intentions of being in a relationship with her and casually told her so right before we had sex.

 

Well she just sent me an e-mail professing how she always wanted me, regrets not telling me years ago, etc etc. She basically gave me all the reasons why we should be together (long e-mail) and how she "knows we both feel it" (which I don't).

 

This is super awkward for me now. I don't want to be in a relationship with her but I don't want her to feel bad about it. She blew up my phone with texts as well, at first with casual questions that gradually got more and more serious. She also said "even if you don't want to we can still be friends". I don't know if that's a good idea now. I feel like being friends with her will only lead her on.

 

Any advice on how to proceed? I know I have to tell her I'm not interested but I don't really know how to do it delicately.

 

Any advice, however harsh, is appreciated.

[David87]

Why don't you like her ? ( I'm just curious) Is she ugly, has a bad personality or what?

 

You just have to be honest with her.... say this : I like you as a friend, I'm not ready for a relationship right now, simple as that.

[crederer]

Thanks for the response. I don't know if you're a male or female but I feel a lot of women think they can "win" a man over with sex. And the fact she kind of implied she wanted me as a boyfriend before sex that I messed up in going through with it.

 

I don't really know where I'm going with this post but just adding some context, I guess.

[crederer]

Why don't you like her ? ( I'm just curious) Is she ugly, has a bad personality or what?

 

You just have to be honest with her.... say this : I like you as a friend, I'm not ready for a relationship right now, simple as that.

 

Not particularly attracted, she has a good personality, lives an hour away, she's about 7 or 8 years older than me, wants to start a family soon, and rumours have it that she's got some health issues.

 

And I'm worried the "i'm not ready now" will give her hope for a future, which wont happen.

[David87]

Not particularly attracted, she has a good personality, lives an hour away, she's about 7 or 8 years older than me, wants to start a family soon, and rumours have it that she's got some health issues.

 

And I'm worried the "i'm not ready now" will give her hope for a future, which wont happen.

 

Right now there's no other easy way out, because if you tell her up front that you don't like her as a girlfriend you will lose as a friend oslo. That's your call.

[Eggplant]

"I am flattered by your interest. But I don't feel that way."

 

Practice saying this. It's not a fun line, but it's a clean one.

[Eggplant]

Right now there's no other easy way out, because if you tell her up front that you don't like her as a girlfriend you will lose as a friend oslo. That's your call.

There's exactly one good way out, which is to tell her that he doesn't like her as a girlfriend. Honesty is what takes precedence. Then let her decide whether she wants to stay friends.

[Eggplant]

And I'm worried the "i'm not ready now" will give her hope for a future, which wont happen.

Exactly. Don't say "i'm not ready now." If she presses, outright say, "I don't feel that way about you and I never will." If she's going to press, she has to be ready for that. Remember, she is the one who is making the overtures, not you, and when you take a risk, you have to accept the outcome, which may be polite rejection. It comes with the territory.

[crederer]

"I am flattered by your interest. But I don't feel that way."

 

Practice saying this. It's not a fun line, but it's a clean one.

 

Thanks. I feel this is the best response. She also knows me as having a strong sense of humour. Should I work some of that in to the response so we can laugh it off or should I just be straight serious?

[David87]

Thanks. I feel this is the best response. She also knows me as having a strong sense of humour. Should I work some of that in to the response so we can laugh it off or should I just be straight serious?

 

I don't think that it's something to laugh about. Just be serious.

[Eggplant]

Thanks. I feel this is the best response. She also knows me as having a strong sense of humour. Should I work some of that in to the response so we can laugh it off or should I just be straight serious?

If it were me, I'd keep it minimal. The humor could backfire. It's really no fun to have to tell somebody this. But I can't think of anything good to append to it. "I enjoy your friendship." It's cliché, and pisses everybody off on LS, but it's probably true and genuine.

[crederer]

I don't think that it's something to laugh about. Just be serious.

 

I'm not saying it's something to laugh about but something along the lines of (this is a rough draft) *not interested based on reasons* and follow it up with "you couldn't handle me any ways" as a joke, which she would totally get. I know her well enough to know she'd take that as a joke but........how would she feel about me making a joke in that situation? I dunno.....

[kaylan]

Just tell her you dont feel a romantic spark you need for a relationship, but that you did enjoy your night together. Also tell her that she should find a guy who can feel the same way about her that she feels about you.

 

She will get the picture.

[gaius]

If you can bring yourself to tell the truth to a girl who not only slept with you but said something like that then you're more of a man than I am. I'd lie through my teeth about how great she was but how messed up I am, not wanting to be in a relationship now despite her being right about everything.

[ascendotum]

Good on her for for professing her love in the yolo spirit. Better to regret something you did than wondering what if. Listing all the reasons why you two should be together was a little too far much. lol. It does set this up to be awkward for sure.

 

I think its going to be impossible for her not to get hurt feelings. I'd be inclined to iterate how you have no intentions of being in a relationship for a while...as you mentioned prior to the sex + while you get on well with her you don' feel the spark you want when it comes time to get serious with a relationship. I also think you should not use humor to help ease the message either. I would not even risk getting involved in something like a fwb with her. I don't think you should cut her out of your life though (but she might do it herself when you knock her back). The fact that she professed her feelings before you slept together is kind of like stepping on a land mine that wasn't buried. As you said I also think a lot of women think they can win a man over with sex and I bet she was motivated on that.

Edited February 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well the truth truth would be that you don't find her attractive enough, either in the face or the body...but that's a truth that shouldn't be told, pretty much ever.

 

If you really didn't want any trouble you shouldn't have slept with her in the first place, so now you've got to do the hard part and tell her that you're not interested in having a relationship with her, that you value her friendship but it didn't mean anything more than that.

 

I'm not going to tell you everything to say, you got yourself into this mess, hopefully you've got the balls to face it and do what you're supposed to do...or like most men, tuck your balls in your @sshole and give some half-@ss truth that still kind of sort of leads the woman on.

 

So whatever you do say, make sure you are honest and clear about there being no future, because any slight amount of interest will lead her to believe there is still a "chance", especially since she's professing her "love" after 8 years...just imagine how this girl feels to be holding all those emotions in and then she gets intimate with you thinking that maybe things have finally turned a corner and you saw someone "special" that was in your life all along.

 

You've got to remember to be sensitive about these things and put yourself in her shoes instead of just thinking about your own intentions and well being, which was basically just to have sex with her and pretty much nothing more, when you said in the moment or before hand this was just about "sex" she wasn't really going to say no or back out at that point, plus she wanted/hoped that maybe you'd have a change of heart, as for women intimacy can build a bond that wasn't there before, for men however it's not necessarily going to change anything...but women often don't have a clue how men work, thinking they work in some mythical made up nonsensical way that they've talked to with friends who also have no clue or just in her own mind because that's what she desires to happen.

 

She doesn't know how you feel, yet again, many women often think for some reason to the point of 100 percent assurance that they are aware or correct about how a man feels...in spite of pretty much not understanding them or knowing them at all, they tend to think they know one man well enough after X amount of time...so that's going to be a shocker and a let down for her, tell her that you're sorry that she feels mislead in how you feel, but the reality is you've only ever saw her as a friend and being intimate wasn't going to change that, you're just basically a man with a penis...in so many words

 

So at least level with her and make it clear and direct, she might continue to be in denial and pine for this romantic fantasy she's always hoped for, and without any romantic interest in her life it's likely to be more difficult to move on, she probably doesn't have the most options in the dating world and that in itself might be enough incentive for her to stay focused on you....once another guy flies into the picture then she'll get over it, but you'll have to push her away and keep her at arms length until then...it's not the end of the world, just be honest and aware of her emotions and do the right thing.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Leigh 87]

Well the truth truth would be that you don't find her attractive enough, either in the face or the body...but that's a truth that shouldn't be told, pretty much ever.

 

 

 

She doesn't know how you feel, yet again, many women often think for some reason to the point of 100 percent assurance that they are aware or hshe probably doesn't have the most options in the dating world and that in itself might be enough incentive for her to stay focused on you....QUOTE]

 

 

 

Being 27 and not ugly, I have options with men and yet I would feel awful if a guy rejected me because he just wasn't attracted enough to me.

 

I would feel MUCH better if he lied and said something like " geez, you're "gorgeous" however, I like someone else right now and my heart is set on her.... :

[Trimmer]

You just have to be honest with her.... say this : I like you as a friend, I'm not ready for a relationship right now, simple as that.

Any form of "not ready right now" leaves the door open, as others have pointed out. You must not do this.

 

I'd lie through my teeth about how great she was but how messed up I am, not wanting to be in a relationship now despite her being right about everything.

The combination of the bolded parts is essentially "not ready right now", and will only bring more grief than the honest, close-the-door approach.

[Trimmer]

Being 27 and not ugly, I have options with men and yet I would feel awful if a guy rejected me because he just wasn't attracted enough to me.

 

I would feel MUCH better if he lied and said something like " geez, you're "gorgeous" however, I like someone else right now and my heart is set on her.... :

The OP said he "wasn't attractive" but he didn't seem to base that strictly on looks and brought that up only in answer to a direct question about whether she was attractive. I trust him not to make his answer to her about "her attractiveness."

 

I think Eggplant's suggestion works well:

 

"I am flattered by your interest. But I don't feel that way."

 

It is 100% true, (which avoids having to make up an imaginary "other interest"), and focuses on feelings of romantic interest, and not on outward "attractiveness." It doesn't have to be at all about beauty vs. ugly. Just keep it simple, direct, and clear.

[gaius]

The combination of the bolded parts is essentially "not ready right now", and will only bring more grief than the honest, close-the-door approach.

I don't think so. If he tells her the truth there's no guarantee that will somehow jog her into not liking him anymore and it will probably make crederer feel incredibly guilty for being so mean to a woman who's done nothing but flatter him. So then he'll be stuck trying to asuage his guilt. Which will probably involve contact with her which won't help anything. If he lies he can more easily ignore her, which is what he really needs to do in order to solve this problem.

[BikerAccnt]

I don't get it. Why would you have sex with her if you just wanted to be friends? Sex it for lovers, romantic interests, not friends.

 

See, I don't get the entire FWB thing, and this is why. For most of us humans, it's impossible to keep emotions away from sex. I have a couple of female friends, I would never have sex with them. Any more than I'd have sex with my male friends.

 

Friends don't' have sex with each other IMO.

 

I'd just tell her it was a mistake to have sex, and that you are sorry that you did it. Unfortunately you aren't interested in her romantically, and due yuour mistake,you can't see us remaining friends.

[xxoo]

Tell her you're not interested in a relationship, and you're sorry if the sex misled her. Tell her he sex was a mistake.

 

If she presses for explanation, tell her you don't feel romantic feelings toward her.

[David87]

''Right now'' was something sugar coated because he will never date this girl. It sounds better in my opinion that ''I don't want to date you because you're not girlfriend material''.

[kaylan]

I dont understand screwing someone you dont find attractive.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If I was in her position, I would want the cold, hard truth. It works in two ways: makes it brutally clear that you are not into her and never will be, and you come across as cruel and a bit of an a-hole which will make it easier to get over you.