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Dating widows/widowers


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Old 18th February 2014, 3:34 AM   #1
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Dating widows/widowers

I have dated two widows.

It is strange, usually when you meet people at my age they have a long term ex. I find that slightly easier because, while the ex is still often around (especially if there are kids) they are never too popular with the person who are dating.

With people who have lost a partner to death it is different. My current partner kept her wedding picture on show for ages. She had to keep it there for the kids, it felt kind of strange, but obviously is understandable.

It is also strange because i will never meet him, and therefore will never get my own impression of him.

I have heard from other people that dead partners can often be held up as some kind of saints, that hasn't happened to me, so i am interested in hearing other peoples experiences.

And before you ask i am not some kind of widow groupie, i dont hang around funerals or anything! It just happened that way.
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Old 18th February 2014, 9:56 AM   #2
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It is quite interesting, I would never think of dating windowed women. I would do. I think it would be easier
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Old 18th February 2014, 10:41 AM   #3
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I dated a widower (well kind of... they were engaged, not married, but had been together 10 years) briefly. Mid 30s, no kids. She'd died about a year and a half earlier, and was mentioned in almost every single conversation. Turned out he wasn't really ready for anything resembling commitment and disappeared. It was an interesting experience.
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Old 18th February 2014, 11:22 AM   #4
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I am a widower. None of the women, save one, had an issue with that fact. And the woman who did, was understandably worried that I was not ready. The key has always been to demonstrate that I was and be consistent about that. Not to compare my beautiful and elegant late-wife to the woman I was dating in the now. I never did and don't. The woman that had some concerns, well, I'm with her now. We talk about my late-wife here and there, but mostly by her nudging. She simply wants to know what she was like, how our relationship was like, etc. She also wants to be supportive to my kids who should not forget their mother (what little they remember) and be open to discussing her when they feel the need.

I still have pics of my late wife, but only in my kids' rooms. My gf has seen them and completely understands the reasoning. But I must say if a widow(er) continues to speak of his/her late-spouse, he may not be over that person yet. The thing to look for is the manner in which he/she speaks of the late-spouse. If there is a great deal of emotion involved, he/she still has lingering, painful feelings.

I think the most comforting thing about dating a widow(er) is that their relationship didn't result from some infidelity, being an SOB, etc. No guarantee that such didn't happen, but the end result wasn't b/c of that. Some women feel better about that. In my case, my relationship with my wife was relatively public via my standing in my community, work place, friends, family, social media, media, etc. So, women who wondered could (and still can) get first-hand account of what my relationship was like with my wife. I had a wonderful 12+ years with my wife, not perfect, but very loving.

Last edited by soccerrprp; 18th February 2014 at 11:30 AM..
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Old 18th February 2014, 11:47 AM   #5
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This is a very touching thread for me. My husband is very ill and I will have to face being a widow. I can't imagine dating ever again and I cant imagine dating a widower. Although j sincerely would want my wonderful husband to date and find someone should I go first. I know he wants the same for me.

When my sister in law passed I felt funny about my brother finding someone else. My SIL. and I were very good friends. We were more than that - we were family. I was the one holding her hand as she died. I y old my brother and hef parents - both on their way when the call came but I got there first. I like my new SIL. But it took a while not to feel funny about it.

I just can't fathom a world where I would ever date again. Or date a widower because it seems like there would always be an other person between us.

Maybe I'm just over sensitive now. But we've been together 30 years.
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Old 18th February 2014, 11:56 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HokeyReligions View Post
This is a very touching thread for me. My husband is very ill and I will have to face being a widow. I can't imagine dating ever again and I cant imagine dating a widower. Although j sincerely would want my wonderful husband to date and find someone should I go first. I know he wants the same for me.

When my sister in law passed I felt funny about my brother finding someone else. My SIL. and I were very good friends. We were more than that - we were family. I was the one holding her hand as she died. I y old my brother and hef parents - both on their way when the call came but I got there first. I like my new SIL. But it took a while not to feel funny about it.

I just can't fathom a world where I would ever date again. Or date a widower because it seems like there would always be an other person between us.

Maybe I'm just over sensitive now. But we've been together 30 years.
I am sorry to hear of your husband.

I felt the same way you do now about dating again. But I also realized that we are not put in this world to share our love with just one person. We have enough and want to share it with others. We live and grow from our past relationships and my late wife taught me a ton so that I am able to be a better partner, spouse for the next woman I meet (have met). My gf has never been in a loving, positive relationship and it shows. She is infinitely happy that I have come into her life so late (in her 40s, never married). She never thought anyone would be interested in her at this point in her life and with two very young children she adopted.

There is enough love. I promise you that.

Be good to yourself and love your husband as long as you are able, but don't think your maker doesn't have other wonderful plans for you, other people for you to touch and love.
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Old 18th February 2014, 1:07 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by kart180 View Post
It is quite interesting, I would never think of dating windowed women. I would do. I think it would be easier
Are you saying that would or would not do windows?
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Old 18th February 2014, 1:23 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by soccerrprp View Post
I am sorry to hear of your husband.

I felt the same way you do now about dating again. But I also realized that we are not put in this world to share our love with just one person. We have enough and want to share it with others. We live and grow from our past relationships and my late wife taught me a ton so that I am able to be a better partner, spouse for the next woman I meet (have met). My gf has never been in a loving, positive relationship and it shows. She is infinitely happy that I have come into her life so late (in her 40s, never married). She never thought anyone would be interested in her at this point in her life and with two very young children she adopted.

There is enough love. I promise you that.

Be good to yourself and love your husband as long as you are able, but don't think your maker doesn't have other wonderful plans for you, other people for you to touch and love.
Thank you.

OP I hope this little exchange also helps you , and others see a new perspective in regards to widow/widower. We are all different too but there is still love.
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Old 18th February 2014, 1:26 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by HokeyReligions View Post
I just can't fathom a world where I would ever date again. Or date a widower because it seems like there would always be an other person between us.
Yes, this is my feeling as well. The revered late spouse being placed on the pedestal of sainthood, the gold standard against which everyone else will be judged, and no one will ever fill his shoes. At least with divorce you have the hope of creating a wonderful, fully functional relationship to replace the dysfunction that both partners probably have in common. Sharing the pain of former marriages and divorce is almost a ritual now, after having dated several divorced women. Plus, a woman who has been through that is usually quite appreciative of being treated well. And ex-husband/wife sarcasm would be completely off the table. Might be hard to get used to.
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Old 18th February 2014, 1:45 PM   #10
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Most of the widows I know personally still wear their wedding rings; however, that may be generational, since they're in their 60's and 70's. I do know one couple, now married, who were prior best couple friends and their respective spouses died and they got married a few years later. Both are close to 80 now and enjoying life thoroughly.

Reading the thread, I was thinking of a close female friend's mother, a widow who's 82 now IIRC; her H, a former Indy car driver, died about 10 years ago. I've never seen her socialize with a man, ever. She shows up alone everywhere, and would be quite a catch; healthy, active and independent. Still, as is common in my generation and older, no apparent interest in dating men.

OTOH, the wife of a good friend who died last year, being in her late 40's, will probably approach things differently and love again and be married again. Younger person, different perspective in general.

I recall what my mother mentioned years ago, after doing EOL care and assisting my dad as he died. She said 'I had my husband; my life-long love. Now it's time to do other things.' And she certainly did, for another 25 years.

Would I date a widow? Sure, I see them as any other person. If I ever meet one interested in dating, and dating me, perhaps it will become a fruitful association. In life, one never knows what's coming next.
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Old 18th February 2014, 8:40 PM   #11
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Are you saying that would or would not do windows?
Sorry if I was misunderstood, Yes I would do date women who were windowed. I would give support.
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Old 18th February 2014, 8:53 PM   #12
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What's wrong with a widow? As long as we are not doing the hokey pokey in the same bed
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