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Could he become violent?


894hjk

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I've been dating a man for 5 months, it's gone well apart from some weird things he says /does behind closed doors. These r the things he's does...

Are they early warning signs?

 

1. Is very domineering in bed (I like that but I wonder if he can't differentiate between real life)

2. Has twice pretended to throw me down the stairs

3. Has twice suggested he would punch me

4. Gets aggressive during competitive games and calls me stupid and idiot a lot in a nasty tone

5. Hates woman and thinks men r above woman

6. Wants to be waited on when he's in my house

7 drives very fast like a maniac

8 play fights with me and takes it to far

9. Pinches me and takes it too far

10. Never let's me pay for anything and spends a lot of money on me

11. Will only have sex on his terms

 

Having read the above list u will all no doubt think I'm insane to ask this! It's 10% of the time he's like that and 90% kind and gentle. He has a good job, up together friends but is vague about his parents.

 

Shall I dump him!?

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You have reasons to be worried.

Talk to him about these things which make you uncomfortable.

See whether he mellows down these stuff.

If he doesn't, then 1 year down the line all this may become aggravated...

Edited by winny
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5. Hates woman and thinks men r above woman

 

This should be a deal-breaker for you. This isn't a behavior that he can simply change. This is a belief system and attitude. It may change some day, but not without work and probably not.

 

What if you had a child? Do you want to have them exposed to this?

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Any man who even insinuates hurting me is out the door. I don't give a sh*t about how you see women, I don't play that. If a man calls me an idiot, stupid or whatever even during a game, it doesn't matter how attractive or put together he is, he will look ugly to me. He cannot control his outbursts. He only has sex on his terms and that's a controlling trait. What if one day you say no? He thinks women should wait on men? He's shown that he's disrespectful and uncontrollable. You mentioned in another post that he is now ignoring you after you stopped talking to him. You put your foot down, because he was being disrespectful to you, and now he doesn't like it.

 

In your other thread you mentioned you have a son. Please do not let a man like this show your son what a "man" is suppose to be. If you insist of seeing this through, I suggest doing a background check on him and see if he has any past domestic violence charges. Someone who pretends to throw another person down the stairs is either incredibly stupid to think that could be a "funny joke" or doesn't think that's a problem and will eventually do it.

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Some of those seem bad, some not so much. It's all about context and there really isn't much context provided.

 

The biggest thing that sticks out is that he thinks men are better than women.

 

The vast majority of the rest of it could have been completely innocent, depending on context.

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I believe they r all traits of a controlling n intimidating man.

 

He ignores r safe word in the bedroom sometime and says his exes never had one.

 

He often has a glazed over high look on his face in midst of the "play fighting" intimidation

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You are not dramatic. If he is already dominate in bed and is being rough enough where you need a safe word and he ignores that? C'mon…

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I believe they r all traits of a controlling n intimidating man.

 

He ignores r safe word in the bedroom sometime and says his exes never had one.

 

He often has a glazed over high look on his face in midst of the "play fighting" intimidation

 

 

Do you feel scared and not turned on like you want to get away?

 

If you do..that is your instinct and there is your answer.

 

We all react differently but if you feel worried ever and it sounds like you do, this is not for you.

 

I've been there.

I was being controlled (or he was making a lot of attempts..put it that way) - my flaw was I couldn't believe it..nor what he was saying.

My relationships up until the past 6 years were all good predominantly but the past couple of guys I have dated have had 'issues' with anger and control lead by their own insecurities.

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The sex is great.

 

I just think he is capable of being abusive.

 

He goes a little too far. Puts doubts in my mind.

Do you have anyone to speak to about those doubts? Anyone but him? Isolation is your biggest enemy in this - please consider contacting community support services and abuse counselors to have all the tools available to help. Not nessarily because of what's going on right this moment, but to remain 'safe' by having help readily available.

 

I believe they r all traits of a controlling n intimidating man.

 

He ignores r safe word in the bedroom sometime and says his exes never had one.

 

He often has a glazed over high look on his face in midst of the "play fighting" intimidation

 

I can speak from a position of experience on BDSM and kinky sex as I'm involved with the underground community and lifestyle. There are lots of other men out there who love kinky sex, besides your boyfriend, who will also respect you. The prevailing attitudes involving BDSM are healthy and entail mutual respect. Kinky sex isn't the same as abuse/forced sex.

 

Sometimes people ignore the safe word. Maybe they'll tell you, "I didn't think you meant it. You didn't say it sincere enough. I didn't believe you." This is rape. Any sex without consent is rape. You've described rape to a public audience. Only rapists, thugs, and murders have the mentality that consent doesn't matter at all, and that it's okay to ignore consent during xyz. You should legitimately be fearful for your safety. It's extremely difficult to prosecute and convict when kinky sex is involved. You might be giving this man a free pass to commit illegal acts on you which could end very tragically. Do not allow yourself to become isolated.

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Yes, you should be very concerned. Being controlling and "joking" about violence even 10% of the time is far too much. He isn't funny. His behaviour is disturbing and likely only to get worse.

 

I am speaking from experience. He is showing you plenty of warning signs. Get out now.

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I've been dating a man for 5 months, it's gone well apart from some weird things he says /does behind closed doors. These r the things he's does...

Are they early warning signs?

 

1. Is very domineering in bed (I like that but I wonder if he can't differentiate between real life)

2. Has twice pretended to throw me down the stairs

3. Has twice suggested he would punch me

4. Gets aggressive during competitive games and calls me stupid and idiot a lot in a nasty tone

5. Hates woman and thinks men r above woman

6. Wants to be waited on when he's in my house

7 drives very fast like a maniac

8 play fights with me and takes it to far

9. Pinches me and takes it too far

10. Never let's me pay for anything and spends a lot of money on me

11. Will only have sex on his terms

 

Having read the above list u will all no doubt think I'm insane to ask this! It's 10% of the time he's like that and 90% kind and gentle. He has a good job, up together friends but is vague about his parents.

 

Shall I dump him!?

It should be 0% of the time he's like that and 100% kind and gentle. Sorry but I wouldn't tolerate that for even 1 minute of my time. First time he calls me stupid and tells me ''I feel like punching you'' I'm running down the hill.

 

If you continue to tolerate that you'll become yet another abused woman that will defend her abuser no matter what. Is your love towards him really that unconditional that you will put up with whatever garbage he's feeding you?

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1. Is very domineering in bed (I like that but I wonder if he can't differentiate between real life)

2. Has twice pretended to throw me down the stairs

3. Has twice suggested he would punch me

4. Gets aggressive during competitive games and calls me stupid and idiot a lot in a nasty tone

5. Hates woman and thinks men r above woman

6. Wants to be waited on when he's in my house

7 drives very fast like a maniac

8 play fights with me and takes it to far

9. Pinches me and takes it too far

10. Never let's me pay for anything and spends a lot of money on me

11. Will only have sex on his terms

 

 

I see no problems with 1. and 10.

 

The rest, yes.

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The fact that you even have to ask if there is a problem here shows that you are the perfect 'Abused-Woman-In-Training.'

 

He did a good job in selecting his next victim.

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Shall I dump him!?

 

Well you can dump him now and maybe take a minor beating, have your tires slashed, have him make death and suicide threats and have him stalk you and burn up your phone at all hours of the night and threaten and harass any other guy you start to see.

 

Or you can wait a few more years and try to leave him after he is beating and raping you regularly and starting to abuse and mistreat the kids but only now you don't have a job and he can complete control of the finances and he has distanced you/isolated you from all of your friends and family so you don't have any support.

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The sex is great.

 

I just think he is capable of being abusive.

 

He goes a little too far. Puts doubts in my mind.

 

This is why so many people are not sympathetic towards women who are under chronic abusive situations and believe that they are at least partially responsible for the situation they are in.

 

A woman can get sex anywhere and from anyone. Nice, decent guys can be good in bed and give orgasms. But there are people that choose to put up with being mistreated and put up with bad people because they are getting stimulated by the drama and are addicted to the excitement and passion.

 

You have seen and recognized the red flags and warning signs. You have seen the storm clouds forming on the horizon. When he finally crosses the line or finally comes home drunk and loses control of himself and really hurts you, you will bare some of the responsibility.

 

With each subsequent beating, your level of responsibility will rise.

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This is why so many people are not sympathetic towards women who are under chronic abusive situations and believe that they are at least partially responsible for the situation they are in.

 

A woman can get sex anywhere and from anyone. Nice, decent guys can be good in bed and give orgasms. But there are people that choose to put up with being mistreated and put up with bad people because they are getting stimulated by the drama and are addicted to the excitement and passion.

 

You have seen and recognized the red flags and warning signs. You have seen the storm clouds forming on the horizon. When he finally crosses the line or finally comes home drunk and loses control of himself and really hurts you, you will bare some of the responsibility.

 

With each subsequent beating, your level of responsibility will rise.

That's an excellent explanation. As a 26 year-old woman, it's been a long while since I've lost sympathy or compassion for abused women. This is because many times it starts exactly the same way the OP is describing. Rarely ever does it ever starts with just punching the woman straight out else most of them would leave. It starts with downplays, insults and their outspoken speech of hatred and these women do recognize it but instead of walking away when he's not even hitting them yet, they stay and wait for things to get worst. By the time he officially hits the woman the first time, she still tries to rationalize it by thinking that it was something she did/say to provoke him (basically she's telling herself that it's deserved to be hit by a man; I don't care if the woman was rude and screams at the top of her lungs, that's still no reason to even excuse being hit) and wants to work things out, thinking things will get better but they won't.

 

I don't think I'll be posting on abused and violence section if an abused woman is asking for help. Most of the times I'm noticing it's not help they want. They're looking for a ''Oh poor me, look what I've been through''.

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I don't think I'll be posting on abused and violence section if an abused woman is asking for help. Most of the times I'm noticing it's not help they want. They're looking for a ''Oh poor me, look what I've been through''.

 

This is probably your mental cue to walk away. You are free to stay, though, if you enjoy being judgmental and unfair to those in dire straits. At least you don't have to be terrified of being brutalized by your spouse while making jabs at those in danger. Whatever floats your boat, but I think it's a good idea to stop right now.

 

We cannot force anyone to create better decisions. The most that we may provide are options for a person to willing select from. Any adult who has ever walked away from an abusive relationship has done so on their two feet. There's an extremely sick, or extremely unhealthy state of mind for an individual to even be in this position in the first place. Those who are abused may grow and heal from a certain way of thinking to lead a healthier and happier life. Which is something 894hjk is capable of.

 

Threats and suggestions of violence are unacceptable. If it takes work to recognize that, 894hjkwill have to put in that work, and choose to move on with her life. She can accomplish exactly that.

Edited by ThatMan
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This is probably your mental cue to walk away. You are free to stay, though, if you enjoy being judgmental and unfair to those in dire straits. At least you don't have to be terrified of being brutalized by your spouse while making jabs at those in danger from a position of comfort. Whatever floats your boat, but I think it's a good idea to stop right now.
It's not about being judgmental but it's rather not walking away when there are strong early red flags the woman starts to notice but still stays and might even question if it's normal. This is what I'm calling out on.

 

I can understand if it's something that has no control; for instance if a woman gets suddenly raped on the way home. Ok, she deserves all the compassion in that case. That was something out of nowhere. But an abused woman (generally speaking) knows who and what she's dealing with and still willingly stays; that is what I would call an enabler.

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It's not about being judgmental but it's rather not walking away when there are strong early red flags the woman starts to notice but still stays and might even question if it's normal. This is what I'm calling out on.

 

I can understand if it's something that has no control; for instance if a woman gets suddenly raped on the way home. Ok, she deserves all the compassion in that case. That was something out of nowhere. But an abused woman (generally speaking) knows who and what she's dealing with and still willingly stays; that is what I would call an enabler.

 

You aren't adding things up together.

We're not talking about other people at this moment. Your talking about yourself and what you understand. It isn't nice to twist a discussion of this variety into being about yourself. Nobody needs to earn your approval before they're permitted to ask for support, compassion, or understanding. Simply put: Who cares if she's undeserving of your own compassion? The world doesn't revolve around your whims.

 

Instead, why not simply try to encourage another person to question whether this is a normal way to be treated? Being judgmental will not accomplish anything, unless it helps you feel good about yourself. When you don't understand something you can ask questions. Asking questions may provide a different perspective for a people to examine their own relationship with - by the act of questioning themselves.

Edited by ThatMan
I hate my phone sometimes.
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25 years ago this was called being a man.

 

Deep down all the feminism in the world cant change the fact that all animals have a pecking order. Its nature and as far as humans go they are trying to change that but its primal and will always be there no matter how many lectures you go too or books you read.

 

Here is a preemptive call out for anyone suggesting that I am in favor of hurting women, nowhere above were those words uttered so don't even try to make that leap.

It's still sad to hear that even though it'll be 2014, there are many women still living in the ''Stay and work it out for the sake of love, maybe things will get better'' period. Some are women that are even younger than me (I'll be turning 27 on April) and yet have that mentality. Instead of that, they should be taught pride and confidence like it's taught to men at an early age. Edited by samsungxoxo
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