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I need and no I do with anxiety

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Old 27th November 2013, 5:01 PM   #1
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I need and no I do with anxiety

I was so good in previous relationships until I found out my ex cheated on me and left me for her ex, now every new relationship i'm plagued with insecurities, I try to fight it so much but for instance this new girl im dating I like her a lot and shes said the nicest things to me and know she really likes me, only 4 hours ago she asked 'why are you single i dont get it?' obviously meaning im really nice but now she hasn't replied for 4 hours and for some stupid reason my mind is all over the place. I dont know what to do because i know its unhealthy to be this way and i no thinking this way is so crazy. I dont know what to do as feel ill never be happy because i just cannot relax now when in a relationship, i just expect to be hurt constantly. arghhhhh
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Old 27th November 2013, 5:27 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by jan_may View Post
identify what you're nervous about.

is it really just the cheating?

are the racing thoughts more about getting hurt again, or does it go back further to more deeply rooted insecurities & life failures like poor performance in school, missed job opportunities, etc.?

i have major anxiety issues i take meds for, but i hate taking them on a date because i'm afraid it will make me boring. but as is i'm not doing well on dates without them, because i'm unable to open up & be myself, so i'm emotionally unavailable on the outside, when inside i'm confident with myself & ready for a relationship, if i could just get past the initial discomforts & debilitating anxiety.

anxiety is such a crippling condition, try finding out what your real fears are & reality checking those thoughts, reframing them, not mind-reading or catastrophizing, etc.

sometimes anxiety is so out of control w/ so many racing thoughts, it's hard to discern the source. maybe look up 'automatic negative thoughts' & see if it leads to some sources.

Thankyou for the reply Jan,

I do feel comfortable when we're talking but she does like to cut a conversation off. We will be talking and ill even leave it 15mins to reply sometimes to not seem too eager but then all of a sudden she wont reply for hours and i feel awful. I know i should just relax but its so hard because the ex did that to me and everytime she didnt speak for 4 or 5 hours i found out in the end it was because she was with the ex
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Old 27th November 2013, 5:38 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by jan_may View Post
what was your answer to her question about why you are single? did you tell her your ex cheated?

if so, can you see how she may not know how to respond to that? if she likes you, she doesn't want to say the wrong thing in response.

we have to be careful about how much we share in the beginning when things are so fragile. i would like to share more in the beginning because i know what came out of my life experiences & they made me stronger. but i know others will react to what i share with the suspicion that i may be a weakened, down-trodden, poor soul, a charity case.
Haven't mentioned the ex to her I just said a general ' i dont know why im single ' that was it.
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Old 27th November 2013, 5:53 PM   #4
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am doing th emed thing at the moment and fro the first time i dont feel brain dead....but i am in a manic episode so .....ill let you know how lithium goes.......

as far as getting anxiety in relationship i dont get anxious when someone doesnt reply when i am in a yes......a little...because that person doesnt know me or my weird and wacky ways and could take me wrong..but that isnt because i dotn trust them i get anxiety ...i get anxiety because i am who i am... and i have been hurt in every way.......

i take a new relationship as that person being a guy who i believe in i already trust them....because i can be trusted...until they prove me other wise i continue to trust i dotn actively look to debunk them......theres nothing you can do if someone is going to hurt you they will happen.......until it does .....dont pre empt trouble when it doesnt exist....its like walking at night....looking over my shoulder if someone is coming at me isnt going to help me cant fight what hasnt happened...thats why i wear an ipod walking at night.....ill fight if i need to in the moment not relaxed be to a calm and professional therapist to give you strategies........good luck....deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 27th November 2013 at 5:57 PM..
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Old 28th November 2013, 2:13 AM   #5
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It's pretty normal for a past negative experience (trauma) like cheating to have impact on your future relationships. One thing you have to come to terms with is that you can't control what other people do. If they are going to cheat, they will cheat regardless. I know lots of people that cheat- and they will never change. I also know many more people that don't cheat- and I can't see them changing either, given how well I know them.

After you've been cheated on, you're going to approach romantic relationships differently- and you should! Based on past experience, you know there are people out there that can't be trusted. This is where your instincts can be very useful. You know some red flags now, things not to ignore, warning signs, etc. Maybe you had a feeling about your ex that in retrospect you ignored... This is all information you can use in conjunction with your instincts to filter out untrustworthy people in the future.

Your thought process can't be: My ex cheated and broke my heart- therefore all women I date will cheat and will break my heart. That's always a possibility- but it's not at all a certainty. You're creating anxiety over all these "what ifs". But you can't know for sure.

My advice to you is to not get to emotionally invested until you get a handle on whether she's trustworthy. Just remember she's not your ex- so try very hard not to transfer your past negative experience onto this new relationship.

Just take it slow- get to know her- and trust your instincts.
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