afraid of commitment, depressed or just not interested?

[nepo]

How do you tell if someone is afraid to commit to a relationship, depressed or just not interested in a relationship and doesn't know how to get out of it without hurting your feelings?

[bumpyroad]

How well do you know this person? Aren't they easy to talk to?

 

We're none of us mind-readers, I'm not sure there's a way to tell, other than to ask them.

Edited November 2, 2013 by bumpyroad
typo

[nepo]

I know you aren't mind readers. I typed out an explanation and confused myself even more. I'm sorry, I will try again.

 

I met my current boyfriend of 4 months on a dating website. He lives in Canada. I live in the U.S. We are about 1.5 hours apart.

 

Initially, things were A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. We had been speaking via e-mail for about a week when he invited me to one of his friends B-Day parties. I accepted with plans of driving up there and back the same night. I thought it was a good opportunity because it was a public place with lots of people and I would see how he interacted with those around him. It was three days before I did actually make the trip back to the U.S. and not before he had made plans to come down and visit me.

 

For the next 3 months we saw each other every weekend, I mostly travel up there as I enjoy it so much more. The few times I couldn't make it up due to other commitments he came to visit me. When we were not together we were texting each other. He would send me really sweet and thoughtful messages and I would tell him how much I missed him when we were apart. He said he loved me, introduced me to his Dad's side of the family and since, I have spent a lot of time with them including the Canadian Thanksgiving with an invite back for Christmas. On this Thanksgiving he had made two comments jokingly he called me his "future ex-wife":confused: and then after me stating I don't like peanut butter had said "That's why we'll never get married."

 

The week after the holiday was the first week we would be unable to see each other as he had other family commitments with his Mum's side who he says is a bit loopy and I understood that. He was rather distant that weekend which I figured was because he was bus with his family. He had let me know he was heading home and he was getting back into his regular routine and I said I hoped he'd had a great time blah blah and couldn't wait to see him. I didn't hear from him. I had sent a few texts with no response 3 to be exact. I knew he had been traveling and his Mum lives a ways away so I was a little worried. So I sent a message asking if he was ok. When I received his response I was taken aback. It consisted of him telling me I need to "chill", he can't be available 24/7 and he's taking time for himself. Nothing is going on he's just enjoying the time alone as he hasn't done that since we started dating that he misses me and we would talk soon.

 

I have ALWAYS asked him if I could see him on the weekends and he would get frustrated with me and say of course I could. I was able to go up there whenever I wanted and he even wanted to get me a key cut which I disagreed to. Not too long before this had happened we had a discussion about how we wouldn't know if something happened to the other because we were so far apart and I told him it was something I thought about. I felt that him consciously choosing to ignore me after that discussion when I was asking if he was ok was disrespectful.

 

He has made comments about us not being 'right' for each other because we live in different countries, that he is shocked we have "lasted as long as we have","there isn't anything that lasts forever" and that it "is destined to fail" and that the reason I work so well for him is because there is not the constant "boyfriend/husband pressure" we only see each other on weekends so there is not the big "looming doomsday cloud of long term commitment" keep in mind he is the ONE person that rbings up marriage CONSISTENTLY. He says it has only worked because together we have made it work. "He is more comfortable alone" and that we are invested in the relationship for different reasons.

 

I care about him and I do love him very much. No-one had made me feel the way he did in our first few months and I want nothing more to figure out what is going on. At the same time I am NOT putting myself in a position to be completely heartbroken. I have told him that we should break it off several times and each and every time he says absolutely not. He apologises profusely and says that he just has "issues". He says he loves and cares for me very deeply and that I have reminded him of what it is like to be happy and that his feelings of the long term are based entirely on our long distance situation. He says that he is not used to having someone care about him the way I do and his reaction to me asking if he was ok was inexcusable.

 

I have visited with him once since that weekend, last weekend actually, and it was still enjoyable when we were together. It was a little off at first. We were both a little uptight and I could see he was VERY upset with himself. We just held each other for a long time and apologised. Hindsight, that should have been a very lengthy WTF are we doing conversation but it wasn't.

 

I was to go up this weekend and he started sending me texts saying he might have to work extra and it would only be a short trip so maybe I should just stay home which he has NEVER done even on weekends when he WAS working. I took that as a he needs his alone time so I am not up there this weekend.

 

Sidenote, It can be difficult for me to get the right days off to see him, previously, I had an opportunity to change the days I work which would make it MUCH easier and he said it was a fantastic idea as he would always have the same two days off at the very least. Unfortunately at that point it didn't go through. When it came up again just this week he said it was not a good idea at all beccause his schedule is "unpredictable"

 

At that point I had had enough of his back and forth attitude in regards to our relationship and told him that it was just not going to work out. Again he apoligised profusely and said he just didn;t want me making changes for him that I may later resent which would have never been the case. I work a mixed up schedule. 3.30pm-12am Sunday through Thursday. He has off Sun and Mon. Changing my schedule would have meant 3.30pm-12am Tues-Sat. Same days off as him. Currently I have to ask co-workers to cover my shifts so I can go up there which is a PIA!

 

Anyway, This time after apologising he said that this time of year brings up a lot of **** for him and he is not handling it well but he won't share what. This time of year is tough for me too. I am actually from Australia and have NO family here in the U.S. so I get homesick and him pushing me away is not helping either of us. He says that sharing his problems with me will make things worse between us.

 

Long story shortened a little right now. He tells me I am wanted, loved, appreciated, that I make him happier than he has been. He cares very deeply for me and believes I am a 1 in a billion type person and he is scared of me, himself and the way he feels about me. He has bouts of anxiety when he thinks of the future. He doesn;t want to push me away or mean to do it. But it is exactly what he is doing.

 

He says he does not want a serious relationship because it is too much for him, he can't always be available for another person when he can't even do that for himself. He doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't want to waste my time. He says that he thinks the depression he suffered some time ago may still be lingering.

 

I had assumed with him saying he doesn't want serious that it is over. He seems to think I WANT serious. So i just said that was fine wished him well and AGAIN he went into a speech about how he doesn't want to lose me. He wants to give me everything I give him and it's not far if he can't. He said he will let me know when he gets his **** together and I told him I am not waiting around "just in case" at the end of it all he wants me there. I've been there I've done that.

 

He said that none of this is about ME and has stated he made an arrangement to go to see his therapist and that none of this is my fault but I am SO confused right now. I feel like I am a yo-yo just being constantly reeled back in and unfortunately, I REALLY do care for him, I am shattered that he is having a rough time, I want nothing more than to help him and I feel as though I need to leave for HIS benefit because I am bringing all these issues up but that seems to make it worse somehow. I learned from my last relationship that I can't do what's right for him whilst sacrificing my own needs.

 

I am not understanding where HE is coming from so I don;t know if it is something that we can work through it is a lost cause which would be devastating.

 

Sorry for the length if you made it this far I would REALLY appreciate ANY input.

 

**Additionally, he has since said I SHOULD change my schedule because he wants to see me "as often as possible" he just wants to be able to deovte all of his time to me when we are together.

Edited November 2, 2013 by nepo

[bumpyroad]

OK, to go back to your original question, my feeling is that this is about the depression. And that he's feeling the pressure of commitment because of this depression. I believe he's telling the truth when he says he loves you.

 

Depression... it weighs you down, it makes me you feel pressured by daily life, even simple things can overwhelm you. People going through it feel inadequate, like they're letting people down, like they're going to disappoint. It's as if he's pushing you away to avoid disappointing you, plus he also hasn't got the energy for the additional pressure.

 

It sounds to me like you two have a genuinely great connection. The distance and the depression are two big blocks in your way, but having suffered from very bad depression myself and having come out of it, the best two things you can for him are 1. Don't pressure and 2. Be a good listener; be a good friend to him. (Please don't infer that I'm saying you're not a good listener, one of the main symptoms in depression is that people don't feel fully listened to).

 

He's told you several times in various ways that he wants you but is scared, so I would trust that as being the truth.

Edited November 3, 2013 by bumpyroad

[nepo]

He may be telling me the truth and I'm sure the depression is difficult but it's so hot and cold that it's bringing out my own insecurities and making me question the entire situation.

 

Everything was wonderful, I had never asked anything more than what we were doing. I never mentioned marriage or any long term commitment. In fact, he knows marriage is the LAST thing I am looking for. I was married for several years and divorced at the beginning of this year. I myself am not ready for long term commitment or marriage so where is the pressure coming from? Himself?

 

I can't handle being pushed away like this especially not when there is already the distance we have. He is the one person within 10,000 miles whom I care for and who I thought truly cared for me. I never mentioned this to him because that is A LOT of pressure for anyone, but being pushed away from that one person is devastating to me. Having to step back and wait for him to be ready when I need someone to be there for me is not easy and I don't know how to handle it.

 

I want so much to be there for him and to help him but I feel like I'm already sacrificing so much.

 

I didn't hear from him for over a day again and just tonight I sent him a text to tell him I missed him. He responded with an I miss you too and that he was sorry, then told me he was at a friends house watching the hockey. If he has time to be at a friends house why not a text to check in on me KNOWING that I have been having a hard time with my homesickness particularly after my nephew was born a few nights ago and is still unable to breathe on his own. He knows about this and that I am struggling with it, is it selfish for me to want him to be a little more attentive to me right now even though I know his situation?

 

What do I do? How long do I sit around and wait for him to come around? Will he even come around? Do I just give up and move on? As much as I care for him and as much as he says he cares for me is this just unhealthy for both of us?

[bumpyroad]

so where is the pressure coming from? Himself?

Himself.

 

He knows about this and that I am struggling with it, is it selfish for me to want him to be a little more attentive to me right now even though I know his situation?

 

Course it isn't selfish, relationships are supposed to be a two-way thing.

 

What do I do? How long do I sit around and wait for him to come around? Will he even come around? Do I just give up and move on? As much as I care for him and as much as he says he cares for me is this just unhealthy for both of us?

 

It's unhealthy if you don't know where you stand, that's very stressful.

 

If the situation's making you unhappy, and you're feeling like it's one-sided, then maybe it isn't worth it. After all, relationships, are supposed to enhance our lives. Only you can weigh up whether you're willing to invest in him further or cut your losses, give yourself a bit of time to think about it. Don't take this as a criticism, do you think there could be an element of because you're homesick you're putting your eggs into one basket with him?

 

How about meeting him again and just see how you are together? Maybe you'll have fun/a nice time and it'll help you to decide whether you want to keep him in your life. There's no reason why you still can't have something good together despite the distance, although I probably wouldn't hang on for 10,000 miles. But obviously, if you're going to make it work with that distance, communication through other means is going to be vital, and you need to both be on the same page with that. If he ignores your texts etc, it's just going to put even more distance, and it's just not going to be sustainable.

 

I feel for you, I don't blame you at all for feeling all stressed out and confused. I think you both need to just have a good talk, lay your cards on the table and decide together the next step.

Edited November 3, 2013 by bumpyroad
added a bit.