Dating someone too soon - can you recover from the pain you caused them?

[outofthefog]

This is my first post here and I could really use some advice. The short version is, I was in an extremely toxic relationship for about four years. He had anger issues and was verbally abusive and controlling. I put up with it for far, FAR too long and finally left about a year ago. Very soon after that I started dating someone else, a mutual acquaintance that we both knew casually. I certainly didn't expect to start caring about someone right away, but I did, and we started dating. Was he a rebound? No. If I could create someone from scratch to be perfect for me, it would truly be this man. But we started dating WAY too soon. It was way too soon anyway, but especially with the previous relationship being so long and toxic - I really should have taken time to heal, and I didn't.

 

Everything was okay between me and the new guy until about six months in. I started going through a lot of changes - new job and moving to a new area - after just going through the breakup and moving out of my ex's house. I don't know if it was a delayed grieving thing, because I hadn't processed it all before New Guy and I started dating, or if all the upheaval just really made me need the familiarity of my ex, but I started talking to him again. I spent the next approximately four months breaking up with the New Guy every other week practically, and trying to figure out what I was doing. I was constantly second-guessing myself about leaving my ex, and if I had valid reasons - which of course I did, and this thinking was completely stupid on my part. But I have a tendency to obsess, and blame myself, and with my ex being so controlling and manipulative - well, I let myself get pulled back into his web again. Even though I didn't have any romantic feelings left for him, and there was nothing physical going on, I guess I just had to go back in order to make sure that he hadn't or couldn't change, and I needed that validation.

 

I think that is a normal process that people go through, but unfortunately since I started dating New Guy so soon - I dragged him through this crap for four months.

 

I tried to handle it as best I could, and I did end things a couple of times, or told him I needed space or whatever, and I was honest with him that I was trying to maintain a friendship with my ex and all that. But I hurt him terribly.

 

We hadn't really talked through all that mess in detail, but we ended up doing that this weekend. It was our one-year anniversary of the first time we ever hung out. I knew I hurt him, but hearing him talk about it in person (most of the previous conversations had taken place over text) and actually seeing the pain in his eyes - it just killed me.

 

I dated my ex immediately after he got divorced, so I was dragged through a similar grieving process. And it sucked. So I know first hand how he feels, and that makes me feel even worse. I can't believe I hurt so badly going through all that, and then I turned around and put someone through something similar.

 

He's said that he forgives me, and he understands why it all happened - obviously he knew when we got together that I was going through a breakup, and a toxic one at that. He's been that "first guy after a breakup" before. I still feel terrible. I just want to make it all better and I don't know how to. He recently got a new job and moved to the area that I just moved to, so we are not only close together again, but away from all the drama of my ex. He's an hour away and I've blocked his number, because he was still texting me every so often to try and make me feel guilty. I don't need to hear that stuff, and I don't want his name popping up on my phone at all because I don't want there to be any question with New Guy that I'm DONE with my ex.

 

Things have been really, really awesome since he moved up here. It's like we just started dating again, but way better this time because I don't have the depression and baggage that was dragging me down before. It's like a new beginning. He said he's really happy too and there is nobody else he wants to be with, and he still feels like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but it still hurts looking back at the past. I totally get it. I'm just terrified it's going to be a black cloud over us forever. Years later I was still angry about all that stuff my ex put me through - but to be fair to myself, my ex continued to put me through a different type of hell after he got over his divorce - so maybe that's part of why I could never get over it. I felt like I waited around and put up with his grieving process and back and forth, and then it never actually turned out to be worth it - it was a really stressful, horrible relationship at times.

 

Sorry, this is long. But I just feel terrible. Has anyone gone through this? Can you recover when you hurt someone that early?

[CptSaveAho]

Contrary to your warped skewed perception of reality... your current boyfriend is still your rebound

 

And you talked about your ex more then you talked about your current boyfriend... to those of us in reality land... you still arent over your ex

 

I hear actually being alone fixes all sorts of problems including your current situation

[outofthefog]

SO helpful, thanks.

[heartshaped]

Unfortunately, in my experience, even if you do not realize it or claim that your new boyfriend isn't a rebound- he is. You didn't allow yourself to process your break up and started things with this man way too soon. Eventually, that's going to catch up with you whether it's days, weeks, or years down the road. Just my two cents.