Jump to content

Something is holding me back..


asianguy123

Recommended Posts

Ok...So first of all I am Asian and our values are different than the western way (in no way superior or inferior).

 

I am 24 and never had a gf (Not due to lack of opportunities). I have known a girl from a year or so who's been in 1 relationship for 2 years. After the relationship broke off,she has had casual intimacy(everything except sex) with a very good friend of hers. She tells me she is a virgin and has not gone too far even when both the guys pressurised her and she is completely honest with me.(This is something I really respect). I am also a virgin so no double standards here.

 

Here are the problems :

 

1) She got used by her first bf who lured her into marrying her when he just wanted to have it with her. She still has some feelings for her. Do women really get over their first love/first kiss and stuff ? She still remembers poems and stuff he used to write for her which I find pretty immature.

 

2) I really have a problem with the second guy. The fact that she had some intimate time with him when she knew they don't have a future eats me up. How can she be so casual. She tells that he initiated every time which I don't believe completely.

 

3) She is completely honest and transparent with me and regrets everything. But,when we were in our initial phase of our relationship,she felt she had done nothing wrong. It's just when I made her realise some things,she felt she had committed some mistakes. She did have a lot of growing up to do but I cant just forgive her for just being immature. I know what she's done before has nothing to do with me,but she is very much emotionally attached to the second guy who was kind of a rebound guy for her. She also once told she remembers all the good time she has spent with this second guy which means this second guy really rocked her life for a year or so.

 

4) I have heard the capacity to emotionally bond decreases as the number of partners increases. Will she ever be emotionally attached to me and get over all the physical and emotional stuff ? I have all the confidence in the world to rock her world but after every few weeks,I break down as all the mental pictures eat me up.

 

I don't want to let go off this otherwise wonderful relationship and an honest girl for my own dogmas of life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

1) Yes women get over their past, everyone does. Thing is that she hasn't yet.

 

2) Her past is her past. Nothing can change it. All you can judge her on is who she is now, not the fact that she decided to be intimate with someone casually in the past. This is retroactive jealousy based on your own inexperience.

 

3) Sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do as well. You are shaming her for her past and focusing on that more than the here and now. This is your own insecurity that you need to fix. She did nothing wrong and had the right to make every choice that she has made. Seems that you don't want her enough for who she is if you can't get past something that happened before you two were together.

 

4) Insecure, insecure, insecure. You need to fix this issue before you can ever have a healthy relationship. She is with you for you. Anyone can be with many many people and when they find that right one have their best connection, sex, and memories.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She did casual sex things with other guys because she got horny dude, you're just going to have to accept that. Men and women aren't much different on that front.

 

If you can't completely accept that and be in the present moment with her, then you can't be with her.

 

If her feeling for her past bf are love and/or attraction, then stay away from her romantically. But if she says that she does not love him or want him, then she's just dealing with the past pain of a failed relationship.

Girls can feel that pain for a long time, even though they might not have feeling for the man any more.

 

You can help her with that, but only by being completely secure with yourself. Jealousy of her past, having to bring it up and analyze it, is a symptom of retroactive jealousy.

 

I have been through this, and I almost lost a good woman because of it. RJ is a weird one, I've had relationships and casual encounters but would still get that sinking, irrational jealousy when the past came up. Was only when I recognized that it was based on my own insecurities, that it started to go.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...