In the middle: did he cheat and will he cheat?

[plagued]

I start hanging out with a guy by the name of Josh, we were really great friends. Our friendship developed into something more and we started seeing each other. Knowing how both had been hurt we decided to be committed to each other and we talked about things we wanted. He would go and do things with his guy friends and I would go with my girls and I had finally felt like I could trust again. Six months into our relationship I walked in and saw his pc with Match.com on it and he was viewing a profile. He said that it was there from a long time ago and that he had forgotten about it and that was it, until he got a message and he said he was curious. I believed him, but didn't so I searched the web and found 3 more profiles, one with the word "new" in bold beside of his picture. I was devastated, it was all a lie, his face there for friends and family to see if they were using a dating site. His profiles were detailed and filled completely out. I broke it off and said that we could remain friends. Soon after that I got back together with him. Things went fine for a couple of months and then I started becoming jealous of everything. Now seven months later I cannot control my emotions. I feel trapped with him and I feel like I can't live with him or without him. I get jealous of everything; co-workers, friends, you name it, any girl of the opposite sex. We fight about something linked to the profiles every week. I caught him checking out a girl at the beach two weeks ago and I can't even seem to let that drop. I have been mad and frustrated and mean for two weeks now. I can't seem to bring myself to be happy with him. I can't seem to let go. I can't seem to, once I think I make a breakthrough I haven't. This is like a disease that plagues me. I cry all of the time, either that or I am yelling. I love him, but I do not know what to do. I feel as though if I let my guard down he will do it again. Because I feel as though it came out of no where and that he will use my trust against me again. Please anything will help. I have been searching for answers for months. What can I do? Should I just let go of all of the time? Or should I stay only to feel beneath him?

[kellydontwanttasleep]

there is nothing that will destroy your life more then jelousy. if you really love some one then you have to be able to share them. how old are you? i'm 20 and i wont date anymore, my career comes first and guys second. i have lots of friends with benifits but when i was dating steady i still would not allow myself to be jelous. it's hard but you have to try. if you really love him and you want to stay together, let go of the jelousy

[plagued]

I put my career first for years. I finished a degree in Engineering and a masters in Information Technology. I was doing all of that, trying to just put myself and my career first. Before my boyfriend I hadn't had a serious relationship in 3 years. I was so lonely, he really picked me up and then decieved me. Or did he?

 

The advice that I want... is this as bad as I make out and am I just causing my own pain. I look all the time and there is no evidence of deception, but feel to stay on guard. Similar situations would help me.

 

My career is here where I want it, my house, things everything, but the last piece. I have always thought I found it in him, but have I? I love him too much to let go, because I think if I can just hold on I will come around to the way it used to be for us.

[chocoholic]

This is a tough one to handle. Love is important to a relationship, but so is trust. You must have both. I assume that you got back together with him because you love him and want to trust him? You cant just give your trust back and he cant expect that. Trust is earned. What has he done to earn it? I dont think him cheating or not in the past is the real issue. You decided to stay with him and work on the relationship, so you need to forgive and let it go, if you really want it to work. If he is doing his part to make it work with you, then you should forgive the past. Maybe not forget, but let go of the anger and jealosy, and see what happens. Do you think he really loves you? Do you think he is someone that you can have a real future with? Do you think he wants a real future with you? If the answers are yes, then you owe it to yourself to let go and try and make it work with him.

 

I know you must be scared of getting hurt by him, but anyone can hurt you, if not him, it could be someone else. The only way to be 100% sure that he will never hurt you is to dump him. From what I read, I do not think that is what you want. Be true to yourself and what you want in life. If you want him, and you believe that he wants you, then you should try and make it work.

 

If you feel beneath him then tell him what it is he does that gives you those feelings. Men are stupid and need us to lay it out for them at times. If he cares about you he will respect that and make changes for you.

[plagued]

chocoholic,

can i get closure without really knowing for sure if he cheated? i get what you are saying. you are very right on the mark about a lot of this. he has done things to prove to me and he is sticking with me even though i go on rampages. but one minute i am ok, because i have no proof of him cheating and the next i am not because i have no proof that he didn't. if i give him slack is he going to hang himself? how do i weigh these things? i know this is not a quick fix. it will take time and has already wasted 7 months of love for on the edge of a break up jealousy. he makes me feel not good enough because he was still looking even after all that we had shared.

 

i appreciate this very much, sorta haven't had anyone to talk to about it. Can't really tell friends or family for fear of me being with him and them not liking him for it. it makes it harder to get over because the only person to talk to is him and he is getting tired of it. i am getting tired of putting on a happy face/ front that everything is ok. i need support from others but can't get it, because he wants this to stay between us.

[ejuju]

I am sorry that what you have been through. I had a BF keep cheating on me and I know what jealousy could lead us to.... Also, My roommate just went through the same thing as you. He was caught posting his info. on dating sites even had exchanged many letters with many girls. Even all of that, my roommate still decided to be with him because she said she couldn't live without him. They fought about that thing once.. that was it.. never spoke again about that.. It was that a taboo. However, she knew he still doing that and i guess there was nothing she could do but either take it or leave.

People make all kind of mistake in the relationship, some of those are forgivable and forgettable, and I don't think what he did was either one of it. Do you really ready to your live like this?? In the bottom of your heart, you know you couldn't forget it, then why do you torture yourself.

However, it is your life. No one could make any decisions for you. I do wish you for the best.

[plagued]

I had a huge melt down last night I blurted out the words "I want out."

 

After huge screaming crying, psycho-ism, he still profusely told me that he never contacted anyone and that he never paid for the service to contact anyone. I asked for his credit card statements over the last year. He got defensive telling me that it would be expensive to get all of that information, I told him I would pay for the truth. He called me this morning at work and told me that he did contact people and that he did pay for the service. I walked out of my office, got into my car drove to his office and smacked him in the face and started choking him before i came to my senses and just left.

 

I sent him this e-mail:

 

I have a meeting at 10:00. When I get out I will come and get you for lunch.

 

 

I cannot believe that it took you 7 months to tell me the truth. There is two more lies and I do not believe that you did not lie about the part of not going out with anyone else. I think you lied to me about every bit of it. It is bad enough to find out that you WERE talking to other people while we were committed to each other. That is so low of you to do and then for you to lie about it. For seven months I have heard, "I never contacted anyone and I never paid for the service" "I was bored and I was goofing off." I do not know what to believe anymore. I think it is awful how you lie to cover yourself up and I think it is awful that you could not tell me the truth and have kept this all from me all of this time when I repeatedly asked you over and over. It took for me to have proof or about to obtain proof before you came out with it. If you will lie about contacting other people you will lie about going out with other people, because I have no proof of it. I have tried and I have tried and you are still the liar that I thought you to be in the beginning. I cannot believe that you did not go out with anyone else. We had been dating for six months god only knows how long you had been seeing other people. I believe everything now. I believe that you saw other people, slept with other people. I believe that you took different people to Raleigh. I believe that you talked to Crystal. I believe it all and I have reasons that tell me not to believe those things, because you lied and you will continue to lie about all of it.

 

I love you, it hurts and I do love you. I just cannot believe that you would do something like this

 

He replied:

 

I know there is no excuse for what I did. I love you so much and want so much to be with you that I knew that if I told you the truth that I would lose you. I just wanted it all to go away. I realized that if I did not shape up that we would not make it. I shaped up, and have been living my life the way it should be. I desire so much for us not to fight and wanted it all to just be forgotten and for it to go away. I should have told you everything from the beginning, but did not because of my fear of losing the best thing I ever had. I know you will never believe anything I say about the past, so I cannot defend myself any longer. I know I was wrong, I know I was stupid, I know I was careless, I know I was disrespectful, I know I was not a good person. I also know that that person is not who I am and not who I want to be. I have been happier with you then I have ever been. I was so scared of not having you that it all just escalated into something out if control. I would never do anything like that to you ever again. I am 100% committed to you and a future with you. I should have told you, I know. There is no excuse and no reason that will make a lie better. I just did not know what to do. My desire to save our relationship led me to be dishonest and led to more pain. I am so very sorry. I have tried to be a different person since then in my actions and feel that I truly am a different and better person. I love you, I need you. That’s the only reason I can give you for me not telling the truth. I knew I did something stupid and wrong, and I knew that it would lead to me being without you. I panicked and tried to just make it all go away. I was and am ashamed of myself. You are the only woman in the world that I wanted to think highly of me, and I lost it. I wanted it back so I tried to find a way to keep you and repair the damage I did. I have been trying for over 7 months to repair that damage. I know what I want in life, it may have taken to long for me to realize it, but I know what I want. That is a future with you. All I can say is that I am sorry. I wish I could take everything back. I cant. Whatever you do regarding you and I is up to you. I will have to accept it and move on or accept it and continue to make amends with you. You know I love you, I know you can see that in me. I know that you love me. Please, if you can find it in your heart, please don’t send me away. I beg you. Please

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I know that violence is not the answer...but it felt so good to smack him for all of the hurt and self worthlessness I have felt.

 

We went to lunch and he told me that he was coming completely clean and he told me that he saw his ex the first couple of weeks that we were dating.

 

I got very calm and thanked him for the truth, I told him that it probably was very hard for him to come out with it. That is more than I had gotten in the past with relationships. But I told him even though I was thankful I was not forgiving about it and that I just do not know what I am going to do about it.

 

I feel calm and melon-collie. It was like my gut told me there was more to the whole thing and to finally get him to admit it was just something I needed. Also I think slapping him made me feel a little better to. I still don't know what to do. Now that I know he cheated on me do I take this thread to the cheating tab? Too much to start over.

[chocoholic]

Plagued,

 

I may be to trusting of a person, but I believe in second chances, especially in matters of the heart. Love can make us do very stupid things. So you found out he cheated, does it erase everything since then? You said he has been doing things to prove to you that he wants to be with you. If he is showing you that he truely wants to be with you then and shows real remorse, then love may be enough to conquer even something like what he did and the feelings that you have. This is for you to decide.

 

Something similar happened to me in the past where I was cheated on. He lied to me about it, and I agreed to stay with him despite being unsure about him. We got over it and ended up staying together for 2 more years. Now we eventually broke up for other reasons, but infedelity was never an issue for us again. He showed me that he loved me, I believed him, and I believed in the power of love. I still do. What you are going through is a mix of emotions. If you are like me, you feel anger, remorse, grief, betrayal, and I am sure many more. If you still also feel love for him, then be true to that. Love is a very powerful emotion and can help people overcome alot of things. You have a hard choice to make. I wish I had the answers for you.

 

I know I am not like many of the people on this site who say "dump his sorry ass" in situations like this, but I know how hard it is to find someone who truely loves you. If you feel he does, and you do too, then try and work it out. If you cannot find it in yourself to forgive and forget then you need to let him go. Just do not be hasty in your decisions, but do not let it drag on either. Good luck and best wishes.

[plagued]

I am deprerately trying to hold on and not be weak. Right now I do not know what to do and that IS the truth. I know I am strong, but I have to decide for myself if I am strong enough. I feel hurt, I usually drown myself in work and responsibility and this may be the first time I can't. I am consumed by this.

[chocoholic]

I know this is hard, and it was for me too. I just do not give up on love as easy as some. Its obvious that you care for him other wise you would not be in such turmoil. He is right, he should have told you everything at first, buut love will make us do strange things, especially if we thing we will lose it. I am sure you have done things in love that you would never have done otherwise, we all have I think. His email leads me to believe that he is truely sorry, and the fact that he finally told you, even so much later, makes me think that he wants a fresh start, and is truely sorry. I can tell you love him, and it seems that he loves you. If your heart is big enough I think you should give him a chance. I am sure all of us have wished we could have another chance at one point or another in our lives. Sometimes we all deserve a second chance

[bigpimpin]

hey this is bigpimpin and this how you find out if he is cheating on you, you say that w/e his name is josh that you know he has been cheating on you and say it like you know it then he will confess if he did or not and if he ask how do you know you say that one of my friends who you dont know saw him and yadi yadi yah. okay it should work it worked for me

[plagued]

I took some time off Friday evening and just chilled out at home. I didn't feel like going out or doing much. I felt like I had a lot to think about. Saturday he came to pick me up around noon to hit the pool. When we got to my place he got down on one knee and proposed to me. I am sorry but I said no. I do love him and feel like I could see myself with him forever. But I told him that we really need time together to make this better without throwing something else into the mix. Plus getting married isn't going to save us, we have to be strong before we do anything like that.

 

We went to church yesterday and seems like our weekend went well overall. I was calm all weekend and really didn't think much about it. I love him, I do, I feel better right now, but I do not know how long before my jealousy surfaces and I explode. I am trying to keep my sanity about it. I know that love makes you do really stupid things and I know that blowing up and scene causing just isn't the answer. Going to his office Friday was bad enough. I can't lose myself in this relationship.

 

This is the most passionate I have ever been about any one person.

 

I look around me and there are so many people in this forum and people that I have talked to that say "well he cheated in the past and we got through it" I just don't know if I can get through something like this. I just don't view it as right to do it even the first time. I feel like if I let him "get away with it" he will always think he can do things and "get away with" them too. Am I setting myself up for a fall if I continue?

 

I know I shouldn't consider marriage, but now he feels like I have rejected him. I am sorry but he only considered his feelings when he did those things to me. I just don't care about how me not saying yes made him feel. I have to do what my heart tells me to do and it tells me that right now isn't the time to make just a huge commitment with someone who cheated on me.

[sportsloving]

I was the one who cheated and put my relationship in jepoardy. I did come clean about it, and at first we tried to sweep it under the rug. It only got worse for him, for me, until one time he decided it was too much and he wanted out.

 

I would send him messages, call, and write emails telling him sorry I was and how I loved him. Then one night he sent me a particularly rotten email (ok so I deserved it but still it was ugly), and I wrote back that I didn't realize how much anger and hatred he had towards me... that I would let him go in peace and hope someday he could forgive me for hurting him as deeply as I did.

 

The next week we talked, really talked. About it all, the feelings, the whys, all of it on the table out in the light. It was one of the best/worst conversations I ever had with him. But we kept talking, we kept sharing, and soon we were better and stronger than we had ever been.

 

It was a long and difficult road to travel, especially when he would want to talk about it again ... or when he would make comments about it that. I still wish it was just laying in the past dead and over... but sometimes it helps to be reminded of the pain and suffering that cheating caused.

 

I would never do anything like it again, to anyone. I had to spend a lot of time doing self discovery, I talked to a shrink, I decided the kind of life I wanted to live, and it has been almost a year since the incident. In someways, I am sorry it happened but glad at the same time.

 

We are still together. The pain I caused has lessened a great deal, and although I am happy he was able to forgive me, I hope he never forgets. We are stronger, better and sweeter than we ever were before. Sometimes it takes a terrible thing to make you realize what you should have known all along. Some just know things are wonderful where they are, some have to be smacked with it.

 

I hope you do learn to forgive your guy. He is right when he says it changed him, it does. I am not the same person I was a year ago and I could never even think of placing him in that circumstance again. I am more honest, forthright and committed to him than I ever was before.

 

Learn to talk to him about how you are feeling, and don't assume to have things just go on as they were before ... because they won't. But your relationship can and will get stronger and better with time ... especially if you are both able to discuss everything.

 

Best wishes for you both!

[plagued]

I talk about it a lot. I get where you are coming from. He has changed and I have noticed the change. He went from an arrogant frat boy to a worthy boyfriend in just months after the incident. But wanting to marry me gives me that "I got her now" feeling.

 

There are lots of times where in the last 7 or so months I have went off and there are times when it is the best thing I have ever had. I am confused.

 

Knowing what one person is really capable of doing has made me stand of-fish.

 

I am no saint, but was raised not to lie. Because if I believe in myself I shouldn't have to lie. I tell the truth and stand behind myself no matter how bad the truth is. People say I am too blunt, I try to lesson things. If I make a decision I am independent enough to own up to it if I have made a mistake, because I care about people and I care about the future of people's morals. I guess I should not expect others to believe the same things. Others did not grow up in the same environment. Sometimes I do not understand why? And it in itself, when people lie to me or hurt me, it makes me feel alone. Because I just wouldn't do those things. One thing that pulls me away from him is that I must not be alone, there has to be someone else who feels like honesty is the best policy and to thine own self be true. I am wishy and washy as to think he IS the one. I cannot be alone in thinking it doesn't take cheating on someone to realize what you have.

 

People should care more about the people they are hurting. If you hurt someone learn not to do it again. But I do not know if he will have to take a lesson from me not to do it in the future to anyone else, or take it as a lesson not to do it to me again.

 

I have been honest and told him I do not know what I want right now. I need time to make the best decision for both of us. He nor I should have to live with what we have been going through. We both deserve to be happy. I love him enough to let him go if I cannot be happy with him. If I cannot be happy with him, then I will make him feel not good enough. It is not that he is not good enough, it is that I know what I can handle and what I can't. Right now I do not know that I can be with someone who thought so little of me in the first place. Love doesn't conquer all, truth conquers love.

[plagued]

The lies just keep comming.

 

Why?

[chocoholic]

What happened? We need to know more. Are past lies surfacing? What is he doing/you doing?

 

Keep in mind, as hard as this is to deal with for you, it is hard for him too. When someone cheats and feels genuine remorse, facing up to what they have done can be one of the hardest things in their life. I know the pain you are in. I have been there. Stay strong, do what you feel is best, and be honest with him.

 

I re-read some of your posts and would only ask you to please respect yourself enough to not take your anger and pain to a physical level. If you were in his shoes, would you want to be hit/choked? Did he hurt you physically? I know it may give you a release to strike him, but you were right about violence. It is not the answer. I have been stuck by a man in the past for something I did to him, but the violence only made it worse for us both.

 

Good luck, I know this is hard, you will get through it.

[plagued]

He told me about all of the people he has dated since he started seeing me. Yes I have been tore the hell up. I went ballistic and had to see a shrink yesterday that is why no response.

 

I can't go through all of the details of what he told me it is far way too painful. Maybe in a couple of days I can comment, but really feel ashamed I never saw any signs.

 

No he has never hit me, just this emotional abuse.

 

I haven't hit him, but felt suicidal yesterday. I took time off and went to see my doctor, a doctor who in the past helped me after my mother took her life. He was very concerned and wrote me a prescription. I am going back to see him this afternoon.

 

He told me that he felt as if my BF has a sex problem and a lot of issues with lying. Keep in mind, I really had no idea he was capable of all that he told me.

 

My doctor asked to see him as well and he has an appointment set for Monday. Yes I do love him, but I am unsure of anything and who I can really trust right now.

 

He told his parents what he had done, and they are in town today and tomorrow. I do not know if this makes it worse. I have told my father of none of this, that is not a good thing to do I know. We are very close.

 

We were committed the whole time...I feel numb.