Oh no - is he a sociopath?!

[Searching771]

Help - is he dangerous? Dating dilemma!?

 

Hello lovely people!

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated here.

 

I recently started seeing a guy who is 11 years older, owns his own company, has a 15 year old son and initially made me feel like a million dollars.

 

However, 1 month in and I am getting some very serious red flags and wanted to get some advice.

 

He has openly admitted that he often worries that he could be sociopathic as he has enjoyed manipulating people. He's also told me that he is selfish, and I can totally see this. It is all about him and his wants and needs.

 

He never asks me how I am , whether I have had a good day.

 

Sexually it is about him - after we have done the deed he says "I needed that" - with no question about how it was for me!

 

I told him about my past and a recent health problem - there was no offer for support - nothing , just back to him.

 

He has had a difficult childhood and so did I, so I can totally understand why he is the way he is. He might not understand what it means to be loved and love back - but I can't change him can I?

 

I truly believe he is a good guy, but has not had the love he deserves which is why he is the way he is - and maybe I can give him that? But I feel I may be fighting a losing battle.

 

He shows no real interest in my life....I think when he asks it is simply because he knows he should.

 

He takes me out for the day on nice day trips, has cooked me meals and opens doors for me like a gentleman ---- but the emotional side just isnt there......... and it needs to be in a relationship!

 

Another red flag was that he told me his relationship with his ex was coming to an end and he didnt want them to keep getting back together again after splitting up , so he cheated on her (on purpose - ie - went out to do it) and then told her , so it would hurt her so much she wouldnt want him back. When challenged, he said he did it for revenge as well because of something she did to him 5 years ago that hurt him.

 

I like this guy and can see he does have a good heart, but I don't think I am going to change the way he is, and I think I deserve love and care....

 

this is a real pattern for me - getting into relationships with wounded and emotionally unavailable men .

 

I can feel myself getting deeper into it. I agreed to go away with him in a few weeks with his friends for a long weekend, which would be lovely - but if Im having these doubts I shouldnt go should I?

 

Help!

[Philosoraptor]

And you're still considering continuing with this guy? He's not only selfish in actions, but admits it. I'd thank him for showing and admitting his true colors early, and move on.

[salparadise]

It's hard to say if he's actually a sociopath, but from what you've related there is little doubt that he's an emotional cripple and about as selfish as they come. You made one very accurate statement... that you can't change him. So forget the question as to whether or not he's sociopathic and ask yourself the easier, more relevant question... is this the person I want to spend my life with? You know the answer, you're just asking us to validate it. Consider it validated.

[Searching771]

Hi

 

After reading that back I am wondering the same thing....

 

It's just that I can see his potential to be loving, it's the inner wounded child that won't allow him to be close to others

 

Some of the things he told me that his parents did to him - truly cruel and evil, so it is no wonder he is like he is.

 

I myself had a difficult childhood, and had people give up on me - then I spent thousands on therapy and got myself stable, and was able to see the patterns and stop myself from making the same mistakes.

 

But I guess he will have to get to that stage himself...I can't make him - and if this is 1 month in to the relationship, what's it going to be like after 6?

 

I just want to help him, but, as he says, he wont ever change.

 

How should I do it? How cruel will it seem after he has just told me all his secret, to reject him and decline his offer of going away with him and his friends.

 

It is just too confusing, I wish I did not have empathy would be so much easier wouldnt it?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You should tell him the truth.

 

That you like him.

 

However, you realize that he seems completely uninterested in you as a person, you thoughts, feelings, desires hopes and dreams, and that after thinking about it you realize that you would grow to resent him.

 

He has been open and honest about his inability or unwillingness to change and that you think I would be best to end it before the bad feelings and resetment occurs.

 

Based on what you described, this will only get worse.

[Philosoraptor]

You can have empathy and you can feel bad for him, but it's not your job to fix him. He needs to correct his own issues before he can ever sustain a healthy relationship.

[pyramid]

It's just that I can see his potential to be loving

 

The thing is, you are dating the REALITY, not the potential. I think you know what you need to do. Good luck.

[salparadise]

We all have the wounded inner child aspect of our personality. Some of us were more wounded than others. Some of us do the hard work of therapy to gain awareness and understand how it affects us, and to eventually start healing and overcoming. Some do it better than others. Some won't try, usually because of fear, and the fear usually manifests as anger. You need to understand the difference between being an enlightened, empathetic person vs. sacrificing yourself for someone who may never emerge. A spouse or significant other cannot be the therapist that facilitates the transformation. It's good that you see potential in such a person, but it's not your job, nor could you be successful. This is simply not the place to be altruistic.

 

You need to find someone who has arrived at the same place as you in order to make a relationship reciprocal. It's hard enough when these factors align, and pretty much impossible if they don't. It may be painful for both of you to make the break, but much better to do it early. You can be compassionate, and perhaps you can even be supportive of him from a distance. Don't cite his own words and attempt to be open as the reason for breaking it off. It sounds like perhaps he will understand if you tell him he has work to do before he's ready.

[Searching771]

Salparadise, thank you. So much.

 

Your post made me cry! I am finding this so hard, and it's really tugging something within me - your words have helped so much.

 

Its so weird how we met - like from a novel - he's the MD of an advertising agency, I thought he was rude, so told him and then he asked me out and here were are ! But those initial impressions ...

 

The reason we connect is that we are both a little bit like outcasts - creative, troubled souls, we 'get' eachother... I've not met anyone who has been into so many of the things I am , or thinks about things in such an abstract way.

 

You're so right - we have to become enlightened ourselves... and it is a rocky, painful journey to do this. One you have to have responsibility for yourself.

 

I was really looking forward to going away with him, but to meet the friends will just complicate it even further. So sad.

 

Thank you so much for your advice

[Searching771]

We all have the wounded inner child aspect of our personality. Some of us were more wounded than others. Some of us do the hard work of therapy to gain awareness and understand how it affects us, and to eventually start healing and overcoming. Some do it better than others. Some won't try, usually because of fear, and the fear usually manifests as anger. You need to understand the difference between being an enlightened, empathetic person vs. sacrificing yourself for someone who may never emerge. A spouse or significant other cannot be the therapist that facilitates the transformation. It's good that you see potential in such a person, but it's not your job, nor could you be successful. This is simply not the place to be altruistic.

 

You need to find someone who has arrived at the same place as you in order to make a relationship reciprocal. It's hard enough when these factors align, and pretty much impossible if they don't. It may be painful for both of you to make the break, but much better to do it early. You can be compassionate, and perhaps you can even be supportive of him from a distance. Don't cite his own words and attempt to be open as the reason for breaking it off. It sounds like perhaps he will understand if you tell him he has work to do before he's ready.

 

 

I have actually printed this off.

 

Very wise words indeed... thank you to all of you

[KathyM]

He sounds more narcissistic than sociopathic. The traits you describe are narcissistic traits. You may want to google Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think you'll find your answers there. It's very hard to develop a real relationship with a true narcissist. They are all about satisfying their own desires and needs, and don't care about the desires and needs of others. They are very focused on themselves and what you can do for them. It's a very demoralizing position to be in when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You will find your needs and concerns will not be considered, and his will always take priority.

[salparadise]

You're so right - we have to become enlightened ourselves... and it is a rocky, painful journey to do this. One you have to have responsibility for yourself.

 

 

Yes, it's a journey that we each have to make ourselves, and it does involve re-experiencing the pain that we've been trying to escape as we move toward awareness. It's like we have two lives... the first employing our defense mechanisms to escape our pain, the second after we've embraced it, dissolved the defenses, and learned how to love without projecting the pain or having the expectation that the person we love can make us whole. This expectation is present in many [most] relationships, and they break when the other person cannot perform the miracle, and resentment builds because they are thought to be withholding. And this is the emotionally healthy people!

 

The cluster Bs (narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, and antisocials) are split off significantly and basically live their particular defense in order to cope. Conventional thought is that they can't be cured, although they can improve. If your guy is narcissistic as KathyM suggests (she's probably right) the chances of a transformation are close to zero and just have to be realistic and accept it. Being compassionate and empathetic does make it harder to put yourself first, but this is not about being nice... it's about your survival.

 

I am reading a couple of good books on this and related topics, plus I have some experience with cluster Bs. I hope you will find some comfort in these realizations.

[Searching771]

Hi

 

I tried last night and failed.

 

I had another conversation during the day in which he just told me about himself, not asked how I was - and then completely changed the plans for our weekend, by making it look like I had decided to!!

 

I said that I was fed up of him never asking about me and everything being on his terms. He then asked if I was still on my period, and asked me to please not turn into a 'mentalist' (tongue in cheek - but whaaat?!)

 

Then we spoke on the phone and he said he had been a good boyfriend so far and was looking forward to seeing me.

 

I muttered something about how we would be chaotic as a couple, then i couldnt get a word in, and the convo was over.

 

Im not seeing him until Sunday - if I see him then, and then we are going away the following week.

 

I just dont know what to do . Maybe speak to him and suggest we be friends because in a relationship, he would literally drive me nuts.

 

I dont think he has made an emotional connection to me - so I wont hurt him.

 

But I am sure as hell going to miss him! He is genuinely hilarious, intelligent and extremely creative.... and Im in a new city on my own. A wonderful date to have..

 

this is so hard!