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My boyfriend wont spend much time with me

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Old 3rd July 2004, 1:10 AM   #1
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Question My boyfriend wont spend much time with me

I have been going out with a guy for over two years. I drive and it takes me half an hour to get to his house. he doesnt drive and it takes him about 2 hours to get to my house via public transport.

I am happy to visit him a lot more than he visits me for the obvious reasons of ease of getting there. But i also want to stay a day or two because it is still a pain to drive so far, and i cant afford the petrol.

My guy is the type of person who likes being alone, and if we spend maybe 2 or 3 days together I have to leave so he can "have his alone time".

I am the kind of person who is happier being around someone that i care for and enjoy being with. I don't like being home alone. When I dont want to go out and socialise with my friends, I still dont want to be alone - i want to be with my guy, even if it's just to watch tv and snuggle.

My problem is this:
I have seen my guy for 6 hours in the past week because i have been working (and i was too tired to do much more than go out for dinner in those 6 hours).

I went to the movies with my guy and our mutual friends (including his male flatmate who drives) on friday night, after that we went to a pool hall to play pool. It is my assumption that MOST people in a long term relationship would expect to stay with their partner after seeing the friends - go home together, maybe spend the next day together since you havent seen each other in a while. I didn't bother asking my guy to come back to my place - because this happens a lot and he always says no. he never plans ahead for that kind of thing. Normally i end up driving back to his house with him. (The pool hall is near my house.) So this time, instead of asking and pleading to spend some time with him, i let him know i want to be with him and leave the rest to him.

At the end of the night, everyone is hugging and saying goodbye. I was hoping my guy would perhaps ask me what i wanted to do, but all he did was hug me and say goodbye.

Is it normal for a guy to not want to spend time with his girlfriend? he says he likes me and likes being with me and is glad im his girlfriend. but why does he never want to spend time with me? especially when he knows how much i dont like being alone? There's lots of opportunities where it would be just as easy if not easier to stay with me for a night or a day, and yet he always ops to go home. I get so upset because i still think a normal boyfriend would jump at the chance of spending the night with his girl. It's almost like it doesnt occur to him that we should spend time together.

i respect his need for alone time, and let him have it as much as possible (Even tho it often hurts me to do so). Am i wrong in thinking that he isnt respecting my need to spend time with him, and he isnt willing to sacrifice for me in the way that i sacrifice for him?
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Old 3rd July 2004, 10:18 AM   #2
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Everyone needs alone time. Some need it more than others. Some people are natually loners. They don't require a lot of close interaction with people. Whether this is the case with you b/f or if he doesn't feel the same way you feel about him I cannot say. Either way, I'd say that the two of you aren't really a good match; you seem to want different things from the relationship. So the question for you is what are you going to do about this?
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Old 22nd July 2004, 3:37 PM   #3
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Well... as starting again said, you might not be a great match, but you have been together over 2 years so i reckon you must be pretty compatable!!

I have been in a similar situation... my bf didn't appear to consider that long term couples spend time together. Or go places or talk on the phone. Actually he didn't realise that bfs in a longterm relationships don't hug or be even remotely intimate with other girls.

This hurt me for ages n i kept bringing it up but there was never any change in his behavior.

So i actually had a discussion with him. Sat him down and told him straight out how i feel about certain things.

From then on everything was fine!! Well every now and then he has a refresher course in relationship etiquette. but generally all is good.

So have you tried having a chat?
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Old 22nd July 2004, 3:46 PM   #4
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I think it's perfectly normal to go your separate ways after spending 2-3 days together. That's a lot of time!

But it is strange that he doesn't invite you over after a night out. My feelings would be hurt too.

On one hand, I think you need to communicate with your bf. On the other hand, it seems that you aren't really compatible in this matter.

You seem to want to spend an INORDINATE amount of time together. So either he desperately needs some alone time OR he's being a jerk. I can't quite tell.

Regardless, I thought it was funny that you said 30 minutes is a long time to drive. You must live in Europe or something because 30 minutes is nothin! I commute 30 minutes to work everyday and I think that's pretty darn short!
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Old 23rd July 2004, 9:24 AM   #5
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hmm, your boyfriend is a loser....oh sorry, I mean loner.

I understand where you're coming from, I need lots of luv and attention, and I broke up with a guy 3 months ago who hardly needed to see me, and it killed me emotionally. It was like he hardly needed a girlfriend, until he needed some lovin.

Something to think about? What makes you want to be with him, and what's kept the two of you together for so long?

Ive heard of absence makes the heart grow fonder but this is ridiculous! If he doesnt want to be with you, he needs to say so. Maybe you two should have a seat and talk about this?

Being with someone who's emotionally unavaliable will only make you feel like you're doing all the work in the relationship, to keep things afloat. Keep swimming! There's more fish in the sea!
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Old 23rd July 2004, 9:33 AM   #6
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Yeah, I hear you Holdon. I drive probably 45 minutes to work. :-P . That's the way it is when you live in the 'burbs and work in the city.

Is it worth it to you to stay with someone that you're not completely happy with?
Probably, you two have compatable personalies, but do you WANT the same things?
It sounds like you want a live-in partner. Why don't you two live together? It would make you feel secure, and it's cheaper in the long run.

Also, about the "sacrificing," comment... What exactly do you sacrifice for him? Are you talking about your time and your needs? If you feel like you have to give up something important to be with him that you need emotionally, then that fact should be a REDFLAG to you.

You sound like you love him, but that you're not happy with him. Talk to him and see if you can work through these issues. Everyone has to give a 'lil in order to make it work.

I'm choosing to have no contact with the threads involving no contact. Is that healthy?
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Old 23rd July 2004, 9:41 AM   #7
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I don't know maybe I'm weird but i spend the weekend with my bf which is fri night sat. and sun.

By sunday night I need to go back home. I love my alone time. And dont get me wrong I love love love spending time with him.. but I also love spending time with me too. I'm very independant and I guess somewhat of a loner.

He doesnt mind though he likes the fact that i dont complain for attention and dont nag to be with him 24-7.

Besides it give us time to miss eachother so that when we do see eachother it really great.

On the otherhand after a nightout it kinda sux he doesnt want to hang out. After a night out I love getting on the couch in "his" boxers lol and eating a big bowl of cereal (out of a topper ware bowl) with him cuddling and watching T.V. it's the best.

I suggest you tell him how you feel. Tell him it hurts your feelings and you feel as though he doesnt want to spend time with you sometimes. If he doesnt change or doesnt care about how you feel maybe its time to find someone that does want to spend everyday with you.
The male brain is more compartmentalized than the female brain. Men can seperate things whereas women have a harder time cause their brains are all wired together in some inter-connected mish-mosh.

WHAT IF Love wasn't so hard?? Then what?
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Old 14th April 2005, 10:39 AM   #8
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Hi ive only been seeing this guy for a couple of months he's a real indavidual and thats part of the reason i fell for him but ive fallen pretty hard as well and all i can think about is him all the time, but i get the feeling i dont even cross his mind 1/2 the time.

We have talked about this and ive ended up in tears over some of the stuff hes done it doesnt seem to bother him he likes his space and lots of him and all want to do is see him. it hurts loads and i cant get through to him.

He also see's his mates as his and never wants to go out with them and me.

The other night he told me to come over and see him so i did we spent 1 hour together and then his mate rang and asked him down the pub so he went and left me at his on my own for 2 hours and he thought this was perfectly all right and couldnt understand why i didnt stay.

My mate are getting annoyed with me moaning about him all the time and i work with a much older crowd at work who are all married and they have all told me to bin him! I dont know what to do any more im trying to leave him alone a bit more and stay away but its hard and i feel so flat!!
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