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The Disappearing Act?


Stefanie

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So I posted earlier this week about a guy I met at a club (I know, lots of potential there). We had some really good conversations via text, even though I was hoping he'd take the initiative to call. 2 nights ago he stopped replying. His last text was asking for my full name so he could add me on Facebook and we were in a very engaging conversation beforehand. I assumed he was busy or fell asleep and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The next evening, I sent a light-hearted text to try scope out the situation. No reply.

 

While I'm usually extremely self-conscious and constantly blaming myself, I can actually say that my approach to him was not overbearing or pathetic at all. Our conversations were the small talk, get-to-know and slightly flirty kind. He was the one sending very long texts telling me about his day and asking me questions too. At most I reciprocated his great energy but never let myself seem too eager.

 

So? What are the reasons he'd stop replying if he barely even knew me? Of course, it's possible that something came up, an unexpected event occurred, etc. but some other things I considered were: he's testing me, he doesn't actually like texting either, he's not interested in anything more than a hookup, his friends told him he seemed too eager and told him to stop, he found a better option, or he's already in a relationship.

 

Gentlemen, please give me some insight. I already know how unlikely it is that a guy would meet a girl at a club and actually want a relationship with them. But it also seems unlikely that a guy could fake so much enthusiasm just for sex. What is a more likely cause? Also, what should I do now? My main course of action is to do nothing and see if he contacts me again.

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Well, given the charm that your photo exudes and that your writing (if I may judge by this post) shows that you're really conscientious, I suspect, really, that he's kind of a low life. Just forget about him and don't try to analyze it too much. :)

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Ninjainpajamas

There's no such thing as a standard or limitation of what a guy will do to get a woman into bed...so therefore trying to determine his interest by texts or effort is irrelevant...that's really just the guys style/personal choice, that represents how he needs to react and act in that situation with a woman based on his own confidence level and technique of engaging women...it is not reflective of his interest in you.

 

If he was interested in you then there would be a consistency of contact and attempt to "date" you...I don't know why you would blame yourself for anything at this point, there's nothing you could or couldn't have done...if they guy is interested you could pretty much do anything you please and he'd still want to take you out...because a guy determines what his interest level is for himself, it's not based on your actions (entirely), sure you could do or say things that may turn him or whatever but it's not essentially going to be a deal-breaker...that's really just your own insecurity and the typical hum and drum women go through thinking they can control the interest of a man and make him somehow more interested than he actually is...sure there are ways to play with men and achieve results but it's not genuine interest determined by himself it's trickery really, and men use the same tactics themselves...however their goals are mostly short-term, like getting you into bed a time or two and that's it...unless they're slated to make you a FWB.

 

At any rate, it's obvious you're interested in the guy and want him to contact you....the only realistic option is to let him pursue you, if you pursue him it'll just be because you're perpetuating the contact and he sees an open door to walk through.

 

Disappearing acts are common with men because they just usually aren't that into you and just wanted to pursue what was enticing and motivating at the time...he could have other options or not, if he didn't though he'd probably be more aggressive or will be down the road....that or you're just not worth the time for the effort, guys are lazy about it when they're not really motivated or got other things going on.

 

You already want a relationship with a guy you met at a club and only texted so far....what could possibly go wrong with that!

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But it also seems unlikely that a guy could fake so much enthusiasm just for sex. What is a more likely cause? Also, what should I do now? My main course of action is to do nothing and see if he contacts me again.

 

I think it's most likely that he's a guy who can get women interested in him any day of week, wherever he goes––even by just walking into a club and chatting them up. A guy who has plenty of options will behave like a beautiful woman, rejecting many good ones while looking for the one who stands out from the crowd and really flips his switch.

 

I guess the need to optimize the selection can drive women crazy too. I don't think you have but one option other than to wait and see if he contacts you again... and that would be to show up at his door wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath.

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I don't think you have but one option other than to wait and see if he contacts you again... and that would be to show up at his door wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath.

 

Haha, that cracked me up. Yeah, I refuse to be easy or change myself for him. I know I've got desirable qualities. It's up to him to see if he wants that and if it's worth working for.

 

I appreciate the practical and objective advice. I was starting to see through rose-coloured glasses and letting him off too easily. He seemed too attractive to be only into me and I'm sure plenty of girls are into him. He probably picked someone else and I have to accept that. It's not like we made much progress. Just weird that he dropped off so early on.

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First, I wouldn't have given him your full name. Did he end up adding you on Facebook? Did he just google you and find something that he didn't like about you? (I.e. maybe he figured you were too prim/proper and wouldn't give him sex easy). Maybe he saw some other pictures of you that weren't as photogenic as he remembered you in the club? So many possibilities.

 

Part of me wonders about how many texts ACTUALLY go missing too. Like I have had friends tell me they responded already to something but I didn't believe them and sure enough they showed me their phones and they had sent a text. I would say phoning is better but as a guy I am really hesitant to phone girls anymore because it seems like the "norm" is to text. I don't even really call my friends on the phone anymore and often when I do I check with them first if it is okay that I call. The "phone" culture has really changed.

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My full name is extremely common. I can't even find myself in the first 10 pages of searching Facebook! I'm not afraid of giving that to anyone, really. :p Also, I'm clearly really self-conscious so any photos of me online are carefully-picked, like my icon on here.

 

Of course, he has every right to not like or be interested in any of me. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Doesn't stop it from hurting my pride, of course.

 

And yes, it's true that technology today still has faults. After two texts though, I'm going to assume I'm being ignored or something's going on. I know it's old-school to call these days. I'm a big fan of it though. I think it's quick, more emotional and straight to the point. If a guy calls, I feel like he's showing more interest and concern but yeah, some people don't find it the norm.

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Just based on the description of the situation, chances are he meets a lot of girls up in the club. Maybe he is hooked in with a different one by now.

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Maybe he is hooked in with a different one by now.

 

I think so too. I'm glad I didn't get too excited.

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I think so too. I'm glad I didn't get too excited.

 

When I was in my 20's I hit the clubs frequently. There was a stretch there where I couldn't keep the names and faces straight.

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