begin1000 Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Hi All I really need some advice. I am a 35 yr old guy. I work in a very small Legal Office with just one colleague who is 29. I have been there for three years and throughout that time we have become quite good friends, we have never seen each other outside of work. We get on quite well in work, although no flirting etc. it is just literally me and her, no other staff. So I have developed feelings for her particularly over the last few months. I am not sure if its sharing the pressure of such an intense job that has made me feel this way. Last week i asked her about her previous relationships, She told me that when she was younger she went out with a guy who was almost twice her age. I am certainly not a jealous kind of guy, I have never experienced jealousy before but I just felt so jealous, even though it was years ago. Its come to the point over the last week where I cant concentrate in work, Its literally when she talks ( i cant hear what she is saying, I am just thinking about her romantically. I cant concentrate at home either. Yesterday just before work ended, I told her that I dont want us to fall out etc and i told her that I really fancied her. She was very shocked, and i think i said something like "i know there is no chance" a point which she agreed. 5 minutes later i left for the weekend, when i was telling her about a work related think she definetly had an unimpressed look on her face. The problem is we work in a very professional *stiff upper lip" environment and professionalism is important to her. Basically I am terrified to go into work on Monday, I am scared she has reported me to one of the Lawyers, I have never been innapropriate to her etc, no flirty comments etc. I am also scared she will tell me i am disgusting etc, sometimes i have bad breath through lunches etc. or maybe she will say that she only likes real men ( i like videogames and WWE and stuff like that ) I am just scared that I will go into work on monday and either be spoken to by a boss and end up storming out because i cant cope with it can anyone offer any help ? Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate 2.0 Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Hi All I really need some advice. I am a 35 yr old guy. I work in a very small Legal Office with just one colleague who is 29. I have been there for three years and throughout that time we have become quite good friends, we have never seen each other outside of work. We get on quite well in work, although no flirting etc. it is just literally me and her, no other staff. So I have developed feelings for her particularly over the last few months. I am not sure if its sharing the pressure of such an intense job that has made me feel this way. Last week i asked her about her previous relationships, She told me that when she was younger she went out with a guy who was almost twice her age. I am certainly not a jealous kind of guy, I have never experienced jealousy before but I just felt so jealous, even though it was years ago. Its come to the point over the last week where I cant concentrate in work, Its literally when she talks ( i cant hear what she is saying, I am just thinking about her romantically. I cant concentrate at home either. Yesterday just before work ended, I told her that I dont want us to fall out etc and i told her that I really fancied her. She was very shocked, and i think i said something like "i know there is no chance" a point which she agreed. 5 minutes later i left for the weekend, when i was telling her about a work related think she definetly had an unimpressed look on her face. The problem is we work in a very professional *stiff upper lip" environment and professionalism is important to her. Basically I am terrified to go into work on Monday, I am scared she has reported me to one of the Lawyers, I have never been innapropriate to her etc, no flirty comments etc. I am also scared she will tell me i am disgusting etc, sometimes i have bad breath through lunches etc. or maybe she will say that she only likes real men ( i like videogames and WWE and stuff like that ) I am just scared that I will go into work on monday and either be spoken to by a boss and end up storming out because i cant cope with it can anyone offer any help ? I think you're totally fine. Like you said, you haven't done anything super offensive. Just let it roll off of your shoulders. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Hi All I really need some advice. I am a 35 yr old guy. I work in a very small Legal Office with just one colleague who is 29. I have been there for three years and throughout that time we have become quite good friends, we have never seen each other outside of work. We get on quite well in work, although no flirting etc. it is just literally me and her, no other staff. So I have developed feelings for her particularly over the last few months. I am not sure if its sharing the pressure of such an intense job that has made me feel this way. Last week i asked her about her previous relationships, She told me that when she was younger she went out with a guy who was almost twice her age. I am certainly not a jealous kind of guy, I have never experienced jealousy before but I just felt so jealous, even though it was years ago. Its come to the point over the last week where I cant concentrate in work, Its literally when she talks ( i cant hear what she is saying, I am just thinking about her romantically. I cant concentrate at home either. Yesterday just before work ended, I told her that I dont want us to fall out etc and i told her that I really fancied her. She was very shocked, and i think i said something like "i know there is no chance" a point which she agreed. 5 minutes later i left for the weekend, when i was telling her about a work related think she definetly had an unimpressed look on her face. The problem is we work in a very professional *stiff upper lip" environment and professionalism is important to her. Basically I am terrified to go into work on Monday, I am scared she has reported me to one of the Lawyers, I have never been innapropriate to her etc, no flirty comments etc. I am also scared she will tell me i am disgusting etc, sometimes i have bad breath through lunches etc. or maybe she will say that she only likes real men ( i like videogames and WWE and stuff like that ) I am just scared that I will go into work on monday and either be spoken to by a boss and end up storming out because i cant cope with it can anyone offer any help ? First, stop looking at any girl like this. It comes off as disgustingly feminine to me. Second, do you care about losing your job? If yes, then proceed with caution. Either let it go completely or flirt VERY subtly and see how she responds (caution: if you are not good with or don't have a lot of experience with women, then go for the first option). If you don't care about losing your job, then just do whatever you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author begin1000 Posted August 10, 2013 Author Share Posted August 10, 2013 sorry i dont get what you mean by disgustingly feminine ? she is a very important member of staff in the business, lots more experience and better regarded than me by a long shot. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 a compliment is no big deal, let everybody forget this little bit of gamines, do not bring it up again, do not expect much, she can not afford to jump into an entanglement at work, one that might fall thru, keep in touch with her but look for somebody, a situation that is less complicated, and have fun while you're doing so Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 (edited) She let you know she wasn't interested. Act a bit cool, friendly but professional. If the situation is uncomfortable, start looking for another job, preferably at a bigger place where you could meet more people and have a social life. I might add that even if she were interested, you would have to look for another job because dating someone you work with is never a good idea. Besides, you generally make more money by going elsewhere than by being promoted from within. Edited August 10, 2013 by FitChick Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Yesterday just before work ended, I told her that I dont want us to fall out etc and i told her that I really fancied her. She was very shocked, and i think i said something like "i know there is no chance" a point which she agreed. Hold on a sec, you rejected yourself before she could reject you. She probably was in shock that you made a move. You didn't even give herself a chance to digest what you had just said and immediately answered for her. There is a chance she could be into you. Go into work and see how she reacts around you. If she doesn't say anything to you about this, I would wait till the end of the day to pull her aside and tell her either: A) All I did was think about making love to you this weekend. Screw this job. I want to screw you. B) I know I surprised you last week and didn't mean to put you on the spot. Just something I needed to say to you. I'd really like to be friends. Option A is very ballsy and outlandishly crazy. If it works, you're Michael Douglas. Option B is damage control so the both of you can move passed it and not feel any awkwardness. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 If she doesn't say anything to you about this, I would wait till the end of the day to pull her aside and tell her either: A) All I did was think about making love to you this weekend. Screw this job. I want to screw you. B) I know I surprised you last week and didn't mean to put you on the spot. Just something I needed to say to you. I'd really like to be friends. Option A is very ballsy and outlandishly crazy. If it works, you're Michael Douglas. Option B is damage control so the both of you can move passed it and not feel any awkwardness. Option A will get you fired. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 sorry i dont get what you mean by disgustingly feminine ? she is a very important member of staff in the business, lots more experience and better regarded than me by a long shot. Yes, sorry about that. I was vague. It sounds like you're putting WAY too much thought into one girl in one situation. Stop over-analyzing it and either go for it or not. Too much analysis over whether or not a girl likes you is a feminine trait. Link to post Share on other sites
EasyHeart Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Live and learn. Your story is a common one and a perfect example of why you never, never, NEVER under any circumstances come on to a co-worker. But there's nothing you can do about it now, so you'll just have to take your medicine. It doesn't sound like you've done anything inappropriate, so I wouldn't worry about any legal repercussions. BUT things will be very, very awkward for a while. All you can do is accept that and wait for it to pass. Your professional relationship with this woman will never be the same. She now perceives you as a threat, so you need to keep your distance as best as possible and keep your interactions with her strictly professional. Don't ever be alone with her. EVER! And don't make any speeches or try to "have a talk" with her. Nothing you say can make this better -- and everything you say to her will make it worse. The only thing you can do is try to act like it never happened and hope she is a forgiving person. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Live and learn. Your story is a common one and a perfect example of why you never, never, NEVER under any circumstances come on to a co-worker. But there's nothing you can do about it now, so you'll just have to take your medicine. It doesn't sound like you've done anything inappropriate, so I wouldn't worry about any legal repercussions. BUT things will be very, very awkward for a while. All you can do is accept that and wait for it to pass. Your professional relationship with this woman will never be the same. She now perceives you as a threat, so you need to keep your distance as best as possible and keep your interactions with her strictly professional. Don't ever be alone with her. EVER! And don't make any speeches or try to "have a talk" with her. Nothing you say can make this better -- and everything you say to her will make it worse. The only thing you can do is try to act like it never happened and hope she is a forgiving person. Haha you're making it sound like he just raped her or something. Chill out. The bolded is awful advice. How do you think so many people from work end up dating? OP, I'd like to amend my past posts a bit, after thinking about it. I think it was a good idea to ask her out. HOWEVER, you should have been a bit more subtle about it. Next time, get the people in your office to have a group outing and invite her. While there, be friendly with everyone. Flirt with her a bit and show a bit of interest. If she responds well, ask her out for drinks or to get some food some day. If she's interested, she'll be down. If not, she'll politely decline. I don't think that you should never do this again. I just think that next time, you should have more finesse. As far as this situation goes, just be cool and don't worry about it. See how she acts towards you on monday. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 don't panic. unless you did something sexually overt or actually asked her out then you should be in the clear. if she does mention it to supervisors (which she has the right to) then don't lie to them, just own up. i am female and did this (expressed romantic interest) - to a male coworker - i went in 2 days later, went right to him and said something like 'i want to take back/clarify what i said the other day because i think you might have misinterpreted it.' that was my chance to tell him i meant that i liked him as a friend and nothing more and yadda yadda. i was doing damage control with him and covered myself, but yeah, be careful to express interest in people AFTER work shifts. the guy and i dated for 3 years and just recently broke up and since we still work together... it's ugly... find your happiness outside of work :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Woop1337 Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 Best advice I could give you, is to find another job. Or you move the object of your affection immediately, in the coming days/weeks. The only way to do that is to put yourself in position to meet many women. Consider the fact that your going to be in close proximity to this person. And the odds are not looking good. She is most likely disinterested. Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 I work in a very small Legal Office with just one colleague who is 29. I have been there for three years and throughout that time we have become quite good friends, we have never seen each other outside of work. We get on quite well in work, although no flirting etc. it is just literally me and her, no other staff. Office romances like this are expected. You're working long hours at times and it's just her and you as the staff with a couple partners? Surprised something hadn't happened sooner. It will be fine. Just don't badger her if she's not interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) People need to find ways to gauge another person's interest other than awkwardly going full-disclosure. Edited August 11, 2013 by RonaldS 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts