My girlfriend goes out with her friends constantly

[JWS3163]

This is a long rant but I need some advice. I'm very neurotic and a complete paranoid idiot when it comes to dealing with my current GF...so hear me out. I have posted her before, and in case you've seen my prior posts, they're irrelevant at this point, this is what is on my mind now.

 

My GF has been going out with her friends almost every single night. I'd rather she be out having fun with people than sitting at home lonely...but she's out all night with her friends (some guys, some girls), sometimes as late as 5am, even when she has work the next morning. I think the majority of the time they just smoke weed in their friends apt, which is fine, but sometimes things just seem...off

 

For example, when i'm with her for the night and her friends want her to join them, they just invite us both...but she'll seem reluctant to want to go. We usually end up going anyway, but her hesitation seems strange to me. She said it's because she'd rather hang out with me alone, which is flattering if it's true, but I don't know if it is.

 

Another example: A couple of times when I was with her, she went to go check her Facebook to see if there was "anything incriminating on it" (her words), her friends sometimes take pictures of their activities and she said was concerned someone would show them smoking weed or something.

 

My gut feeling is telling me that, if anything is going on, there is some guy there who may flirt with her a lot, and she craves the attention, beyond that statement would be even more guesswork, but it's the only answer I can think of.

 

The other day I did notice that she got a text from this guy that she slept a month before we had started dating, and he asked her when the next smoking session is. I didn't see any prior messages and they only sent 1 concise and brief text each. The guy isn't very attractive and she said she only had sex because she was very high, and that he wasn't good at it at all.

 

After that the only thing I noticed was that the guy suddenly become one of her "featured" friends on FB, which happens to me when I start talking to someone a lot.

 

I truly don't know how to not be a paranoid ****head. Am I being reasonable or is this just all on me?

[Brunettie]

I would trust her unless she gives you a real reason not to.

What is a featured friend?

[JWS3163]

I would trust her unless she gives you a real reason not to.

What is a featured friend?

No real reason, just hunches. And it's one of the 9 friends that shows up on your FB profile by your friends list.

[SantistaUSA]

How old are you guys? How long have you been dating? I'm 34 and my experience is that someone party too much like that and the SO is not with them, it's just bad news, but that's just my personal experience.

[jphcbpa]

A party girl that smokes weed might be cheating on you? Get out of here.

[JWS3163]

How old are you guys? How long have you been dating? I'm 34 and my experience is that someone party too much like that and the SO is not with them, it's just bad news, but that's just my personal experience.

She doesn't really blow me off for it, we still hangout 2-3 nights a week. Also it's not so much a party as it is a get together, i think it's usually like 10 people or less. But idk. Also she's 19 and i'm 21

 

A party girl that smokes weed might be cheating on you? Get out of here.

I can't tell what you're implying, I could interpret your sarcasm both ways.

[ScreamingTrees]

A party girl that smokes a hell of a lot of weed may be cheating on you. That's probably what he was implying, sarcasm or not, he'd be on to something for sure. And thank the lord you guys are around my age, or else it'd be pretty sad for an older woman to be living the life of a "wild" and "crazy" trashy 18 year old..

[JWS3163]

A party girl that smokes a hell of a lot of weed may be cheating on you. That's probably what he was implying, sarcasm or not, he'd be on to something for sure. And thank the lord you guys are around my age, or else it'd be pretty sad for an older woman to be living the life of a "wild" and "crazy" trashy 18 year old..

I honestly wouldn't even consider her a party girl. I don't think they go crazy. It's probably mostly chilling. But idk

[SantistaUSA]

I honestly wouldn't even consider her a party girl. I don't think they go crazy. It's probably mostly chilling. But idk

 

Sorry to break to you bud, but she is a party girl! True she let's you enjoy the party, but she party a lot without you there, at 19 years of age is very hard for people to hold back specially if they are getting high etc.

[JWS3163]

Sorry to break to you bud, but she is a party girl! True she let's you enjoy the party, but she party a lot without you there, at 19 years of age is very hard for people to hold back specially if they are getting high etc.

So that must means she's cheating then? There's no real evidence either way.

[SantistaUSA]

So that must means she's cheating then? There's no real evidence either way.

 

Here's the deal, she might not be cheating, but if she really party like that getting high with average 10 people, there will be a guy/s that will try to get some action, I've never smoked weed but I've heard that it might make difficult for the guy to get an erection so you might be ok. :-)

 

Don't assume she's cheating and do not accuse her unless you have proof, but looks like it is bothering, so if I were you I would talk to her but you might have to let her go. How long have you guys been dating?

[JWS3163]

Here's the deal, she might not be cheating, but if she really party like that getting high with average 10 people, there will be a guy/s that will try to get some action, I've never smoked weed but I've heard that it might make difficult for the guy to get an erection so you might be ok. :-)

 

Don't assume she's cheating and do not accuse her unless you have proof, but looks like it is bothering, so if I were you I would talk to her but you might have to let her go. How long have you guys been dating?

a little over 3 months. i like what we have so it'd be absurd to break up without a conclusive reason. also i think IF something was going on, she wouldn't admit it if i talked to her about it. so idk what the hell to do

[xpaperxcutx]

You have boundary issues Why do you feel it's okay for your ex to be in contact with a guy she had previously slept with? And you're okay with the fact they're weed buddies? WTH

 

My boyfriend and I are partygoers, that means staying out until 12 o'clock the next afternoon after a night out. But never once have I gone out by myself like that. Even if recreational drugs were involved, i would never take anything with anybody, unless my boyfriend is around. Drugs can do one thing: they remove inhibitions of a person so they're not thinking rationally.

 

If your girlfriend is high almost every night, I wouldn't put it pass her to be flirting or making out with other people.

[xpaperxcutx]

So that must means she's cheating then? There's no real evidence either way.

 

No real evidence of cheating but weed is hallucinogenic meaning inhibitions are down and tendencies to behave recklessly and irrationally.

[xpaperxcutx]

a little over 3 months. i like what we have so it'd be absurd to break up without a conclusive reason. also i think IF something was going on, she wouldn't admit it if i talked to her about it. so idk what the hell to do

 

Set boundaries. When you're in a relationship, each person should consider the others' feelings. Besides she's not single person anymore, why is she still partying like a single gal?

[JWS3163]

You have boundary issues Why do you feel it's okay for your ex to be in contact with a guy she had previously slept with? And you're okay with the fact they're weed buddies? WTH

 

My boyfriend and I are partygoers, that means staying out until 12 o'clock the next afternoon after a night out. But never once have I gone out by myself like that. Even if recreational drugs were involved, i would never take anything with anybody, unless my boyfriend is around. Drugs can do one thing: they remove inhibitions of a person so they're not thinking rationally.

 

If your girlfriend is high almost every night, I wouldn't put it pass her to be flirting or making out with other people.

 

I never said it was okay. I did not know she was in contact with him. I don't know if it's been a regular thing or not though, nor do I know how i'd confront her about it.

 

And yeah, that is a good point, but there is still no evidence either way.

 

 

No real evidence of cheating but weed is hallucinogenic meaning inhibitions are down and tendencies to behave recklessly and irrationally.

 

She got absolutely ****faced at a wedding once too and I know she didn't do anything. Just because it lowers your inhibitions doesn't automatically mean she did something. She just doesn't seem like the type.

 

 

Set boundaries. When you're in a relationship, each person should consider the others' feelings. Besides she's not single person anymore, why is she still partying like a single gal?

I've told her from the start what i'm okay with and not okay with. She said there's usually more girls there than guys and there aren't any guys that she's ever liked there or something of the sort.

 

But I didn't wanna set boundaries because if she wants to do something she's gonna do it anyway. That's just how people are. And being controlling is not gonna help

[xpaperxcutx]

I never said it was okay. I did not know she was in contact with him. I don't know if it's been a regular thing or not though, nor do I know how i'd confront her about it.

 

And yeah, that is a good point, but there is still no evidence either way.

 

 

 

 

She got absolutely ****faced at a wedding once too and I know she didn't do anything. Just because it lowers your inhibitions doesn't automatically mean she did something. She just doesn't seem like the type.

 

 

I've told her from the start what i'm okay with and not okay with. She said there's usually more girls there than guys and there aren't any guys that she's ever liked there or something of the sort.

 

But I didn't wanna set boundaries because if she wants to do something she's gonna do it anyway. That's just how people are. And being controlling is not gonna help

 

The bolded. You're being a doormat by avoiding confrontations. Honestly, how hard is it to sit down and tell her to her face, "______, I would like it if you not talk to him anymore. We are together, and I don't like the fact you're friends with someone you slept with".

 

It's not about being controlling, it's about letting her know what's tolerated and what's not. Otherwise, she's just going to continue what she's been doing (smoking, and going out all the time) and you wouldn't be on her complaining about her behavior.

[JWS3163]

The bolded. You're being a doormat by avoiding confrontations. Honestly, how hard is it to sit down and tell her to her face, "______, I would like it if you not talk to him anymore. We are together, and I don't like the fact you're friends with someone you slept with".

 

It's not about being controlling, it's about letting her know what's tolerated and what's not. Otherwise, she's just going to continue what she's been doing (smoking, and going out all the time) and you wouldn't be on her complaining about her behavior.

Maybe you're right...but she has never told me I flat out can't do something. I've never really dealt with this before. And i'd have to admit to snooping on her phone.

 

Anyway, the truth is I don't believe in boundaries. If someone wants to cheat or flirt, they're gonna do it, and telling them not to be in situations where it can happen is not going to prevent it.

Edited July 31, 2013 by JWS3163

[RogerWallace111]

Weed really isn't any inhibition-lowering aphrodisiac. Just to clear that up. If you smoke it regularly, being high just becomes a normal way of feeling. And if you don't, you're likely to be paranoid and over think things to the point your inhibitions are stronger.

 

I'd mostly be wondering how all this "hangout" time is spent. Sitting in her friends apartment till 5 am ? Seems like conversation would dry up after a few nights. Even high conversation. Sounds very boring.

 

With all that relatively unaccounted for time, her reluctance to bring you along, and the text to her old buddy, I don't blame you for feeling a bit paranoid. Not to add to it, just telling you you're not crazy. In fact you're more laid back about it than I'd be.

 

Then again, they could just be sitting around high. And she could just not want to bring you because she likes her friend time as that and her boyfriend time as that. I and plenty of people I know like to keep them relatively separate, it provides more of a sense of variety since it's not all just meshing together. And the text could easily be harmless.

 

I don't really know what to tell you, but I feel for you. Care to elaborate on how things feel "off" sometimes ? Does she actually act strange or seem to be hiding anything ?

[JWS3163]

Weed really isn't any inhibition-lowering aphrodisiac. Just to clear that up. If you smoke it regularly, being high just becomes a normal way of feeling. And if you don't, you're likely to be paranoid and over think things to the point your inhibitions are stronger.

 

I'd mostly be wondering how all this "hangout" time is spent. Sitting in her friends apartment till 5 am ? Seems like conversation would dry up after a few nights. Even high conversation. Sounds very boring.

 

With all that relatively unaccounted for time, her reluctance to bring you along, and the text to her old buddy, I don't blame you for feeling a bit paranoid. Not to add to it, just telling you you're not crazy. In fact you're more laid back about it than I'd be.

 

Then again, they could just be sitting around high. And she could just not want to bring you because she likes her friend time as that and her boyfriend time as that. I and plenty of people I know like to keep them relatively separate, it provides more of a sense of variety since it's not all just meshing together. And the text could easily be harmless.

 

I don't really know what to tell you, but I feel for you. Care to elaborate on how things feel "off" sometimes ? Does she actually act strange or seem to be hiding anything ?

I just don't know how to proceed. None of this is cut and dry evidence but if you connect them and analyze it like I have, it's ****ed. But I wouldn't know where to start if I talked to her about it and I don't think she'd admit anything (especially if it's something she doesn't even realize, such as subconscious desire for attention).

 

And well, she doesn't really act strange or seem like she's hiding stuff, the only other thing that seems strange is that sometimes she'll describe many trivial details of the party such as "I smoked out of a bong and I was soo ****ing high, then we got my best friend to try it for the first time and it was hilarious"

 

Oh and the other night I asked her what she did last night and she jokingly said it sounded like I was accusing her, then she paused for a minute to "remember what she did" to say that she went to someone elses party with her best female friend, only to find out it was all guys, which she thought was awkward and decided to leave right away.

 

Sometimes it feels like she's using the lying tactic where you overindulge someone in useless/untrue/vague information to give the appearance of being honest, without actually being truthful.

 

Another thing recently - I've always hung out in her appt, because I live with my folks and she doesn't have a car. But I'm moving into an apt tonight, and she is moving to a new place too, on the same day (what are the odds!) and I told her last night she should come over (first time i've actually invited her to see me), and she seemed reluctant. Here is that convo btw. More information the more this well make sense to you guys.

 

Me:

you should come over and stay the night tomorrow!

c:

 

 

Her:

perhaps! I don't work thursday morning, but my mom is coming at 11 am with my stuff

also I'd feel kinda bad leaving katie alone in the house

but i want to see you though.

hmmmmmm"

 

Me:

up to you

id love to see you ofc

 

 

Her:

I'll think aboout it

 

 

Horrible excuse I thought. If she doesn't decide to come over and I see her up at 5am again, I will have a REAL suspicion. Also it was the first real time she's ever been reluctant to see me.

Edited July 31, 2013 by JWS3163

[ScreamingTrees]

I honestly wouldn't even consider her a party girl. I don't think they go crazy. It's probably mostly chilling. But idk

 

What do you think people in the club are doing? Hanging off of the ceiling while they **** in their hands and fling it at each other in an LSD-riddled frenzy? Nah, they're just chilling, maybe grinding, dancing..

 

That's still "partying" to me. If you're getting drunk and/or high, you're "partying".. Not that much of a party to me personally, it's just people getting high to run away temporarily from their lives, but that's cool.

[JWS3163]

Me:

you should come over and stay the night tomorrow!

c:

 

 

Her:

perhaps! I don't work thursday morning, but my mom is coming at 11 am with my stuff

also I'd feel kinda bad leaving katie alone in the house

but i want to see you though.

hmmmmmm"

 

Me:

up to you

id love to see you ofc

 

 

Her:

I'll think aboout it

 

 

Horrible excuse I thought. If she doesn't decide to come over and I see her up at 5am again, I will have a REAL suspicion. Also it was the first real time she's ever been reluctant to see me.

 

Update on that. I know this is semi irrelevant to the rest of my points, but...she never got back to me about the whole coming over to my place idea that I had. She kept talking to me a bit throughout today, but never said "oh i can't make it tonight". She was using FB mobile and it revealed her locations with each reply. It looks like she went to see a movie tonight, I can see her location get closer to the theater as she sent me the messages. She doesn't have a car nor does her friend "Katie". So basically, she blew me off to see a movie with god knows who. Even if it was her friends...why. We haven't seen each other in 3 days and have barely been conversing.

 

Now I think i've reached the point of being obsessive. This is so ****ed.

Edited August 1, 2013 by JWS3163

[RogerWallace111]

Jesus man... I can't really attempt to guess what's going on (and again it may be nothing) but I know how sh*tty that sort of situation is. Regardless of any possible more foul-type play, how is that supposed to make you feel? Damn.

 

Looks like you've gotta confront her. In the coolest way possible, without being particularly accusatory- more just focusing on the way she's making you feel.

 

Is she the type to overlook the fact that her location is marked with each message she sends ?

And I know what you mean about the over-sharing of useless info lying tactic... Hmm hmmm.

 

Let us know how things unfold. And try to remember that you're a young ass dude and no matter the outcome of any of it it's not the end of the world.

[JWS3163]

Jesus man... I can't really attempt to guess what's going on (and again it may be nothing) but I know how sh*tty that sort of situation is. Regardless of any possible more foul-type play, how is that supposed to make you feel? Damn.

 

Looks like you've gotta confront her. In the coolest way possible, without being particularly accusatory- more just focusing on the way she's making you feel.

 

Is she the type to overlook the fact that her location is marked with each message she sends ?

And I know what you mean about the over-sharing of useless info lying tactic... Hmm hmmm.

 

Let us know how things unfold. And try to remember that you're a young ass dude and no matter the outcome of any of it it's not the end of the world.

 

I am so ****ed up right now, I don't think i'll get any sleep tonight. i can't take any of this. it might all be in my head, but its starting to seem less and less likely. i feel like puking

[Stay]

I'll be honest with you..it's not a good sign, a girl that's excited to be with you will always want to spend time with you, show her to her friends, etc. Trust me it took me years but I recently found out the person I thought I known for 7 years is not who I thought she was. She kept going out, never really wanting to bring me along, etc and she has been seeing someone else behind my back, lying to me and having secrets. I gave her too much freedom because I trusted her with everything I've got but she just loved the attention.

 

Now she only recently wanted to go out more but she always had that mentality of "having fun" and wanting to experience everything while she's young, I can tell you that alone isn't a good sign. I've always been the, I would like to experience things too but with you by my side so I thought she was too but for some reason it's a bit different for young girls.

 

Another thing that's weird is intuition... I had many feelings over the situation and all of them were true.. no concrete evidence but I found out later whatever gut feeling I had is true. Not saying all gut feelings are true but you'll be surprised how much you may know by just feeling it.