Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. (re. multi-dating)

[Fondue]

Hi everyone!

 

Just wanted to post a few thoughts somewhere, as they are kind of bugging me. I can't really talk to anyone else about this, and my guy friends don't have any good input. Lady friends think I'm "just being a guy."

 

I will preface with just thoughts on how all this started, the real stuff is down below.

 

As some of you may know, I recently moved to my own place. No roommates, nothing. Just me. Beautiful area, too. It's enticing to people. I never realized how much EASIER dating/sex is when you have your own place. The difference is night and day. It's incredible, really. I also moved out farrr from where I lived before. I didn't really have any friends in the area. I was kind of lonely, so I resorted to online dating. I went on OK Cupid.

 

The first couple of days (or even week or two), were kind of brutal. Send out a bunch of messages, not many replies. And if there were replies, the convos either faded, interest on either end seemed to fade, or the girl would just want to keep messaging and post-pone number trading.

 

I altered my profile, made it incredibly silly (pretended I was an outer space alien looking to take a human female back to my home planet as an ambassador to the human race-- I thought this was funny at the time). I started to message women with just funny messages. Surprisingly, I got a lot more replies and I actually started to meet women.

 

Many women.

 

The women I met were great. Almost all of them were a combination of super awesome/smart/nerdy, and attractive. It was weird. I didn't expect it. I actually grew attached to a few over time.

 

I began seeing one of them on a regular basis, sex included. She said she recently got out of a long relationship, and needed time to heal. So she didn't want anything serious. We even agreed to see other people. She started to really like me over the next few weeks and grew attached herself. I actually liked her at this point and stopped pursuing others. She seemed like she wasn't seeing anyone else either. She only wanted to be with me. We hung out a lot.

 

The problem is she went on a long business trip (1+ month). She kept inviting me to see her on her trip, so I eventually made a spontaneous flight over. It went okay. We had a few issues, but it was fine. I then went on vacation. Before I left, I had one last conversation with her on the phone, said something stupid (she was trying to tell me a story about something that scared her, I told her I didn't care). SHe was upset. I apologized by email when I arrived to my destination, I thought everything was okay. We exchanged a few emails back and forth throughout my two weeks being away, but that was it.

 

When she got back from her business trip, we hung out again immediately. Went back to our regular dating. According to her, we got very close at this time. She often stayed over my apartment for days at a time. She cooked/cleaned/etc. for me, I was very comfortable with her taking care of me. It was great.

 

Now here is where it gets complicated.

 

After a few weeks of this, I told her I am done "sharing" her, and that if she wants to continue seeing me, she has to make a decision immediately. Either stop seeing me completely, or be mine. She had some hesitations, but she said that despite being hurt a few months ago, I treat her so well and that I'm "pretty much perfect," and she doesn't want to lose me. She did say that I wasn't "sharing" her with anyone else, but..

 

She did sleep with a coworker (once, she claims), during her business trip, otherwise she only ever saw me. I wasn't exactly hurt by this because exclusivity was never established, but I was bothered. She attributed this because she was "hurt" on our last phone convo before I went on vacation. I told her that I honestly will see her differently for a little while, but I do not have a reason to be mad. She absolutely loves having sex with me, has many orgasms, and simply goes crazy for me. She bragged to her lady friends of my sexual prowess.

 

Despite not really being mad about it, it bothered me a little. She spoke to me about this hookup, re-iterated it wasn't anything special, just drunken sex. I didn't care for her words. She told me she only wants to be with me. No one else. And that whenever I am ready to call her my girlfriend, she is absolutely ready to be that.

 

At this point I grew a little more bothered. THat little became, "I need to get laid now." I went back on OKC, messaged a few women, and started to get dates. The problem is, these new women are more attractive than the one I am supposedly currently dating. They are all equally awesome as well.

 

Too much of a good thing:

 

I started to get more and more messages/dates. I had to turn off my OKC account. I think I was just on a lucky streak or something. Now I am dating about 5 women at once. It is INCREDIBLY stressful. My phone constantly blows up with calls/texts. Every night of the week I have something planned. Sometimes two dates at once. Hell, I had to cancel a date on Monday because the girl I am "serious" with slept over and didn't want to leave my apartment until Tuesday. I had to cancel a date today because my work is suffering. I have SO much work backlogged that it's just ridiculous. I have a flexible job. I finish my "work" in the early afternoon, and expect to finish the "paperwork" at home. I never get to my paperwork because I am out ALL night, EVERY night. I had to cancel my date so that I can at least put a dent in this crap. Instead, I'm ranting about my adventures on this forum.

 

Worst part? I am loving the sex with new people. I had a girl over last night that delivered the absolute best sex of my life. It was absolutely intense. I actually really like her, too. She really likes me back. I'm on track to now having two girlfriends soon! I sometimes have sex with multiple women in one day. I wake up with one, and go on a date with an other at night time and bring her back. I had to ignore my "serious" girl's calls/texts one day because I was too busy just having fun with others. I had to make up an excuse as to where my phone was. I hurt her really bad. I feel like a dick just thinking about it.

 

I now feel like I can't be trusted. I don't think I can commit. I am a bit addicted to this new found attention, to the sex, to the dating, to meeting new women. I get in trouble for mentioning something, the girl saying: "what? you never told me that..." and then to realize that I had a conversation about that topic with SOMEONE else.

 

I started to copy/paste my texts now because I don't really want to spend the effort on typing out different crap to people. It's weird.

 

I treat ALL these women with superb respect. I never let them pay, I take them out to interesting dates. I take care of everything, make the plans, have the "great" ideas. I take them out to concerts/shows/arcades/mini-golf/etc., my dates are always fun and interactive. Every girl says I treat them like a queen.

 

I try and not come off as an *******. I am genuinely a nerdy guy, who loves nerdy things. I exemplify that, and I don't shy away. Which by the way, if anyone reads, I learned that being yourself is absolutely the best thing to be. For some reason when you are excited about something, people are attracted to it. I think every first date I been on, I somehow mention I am a videogame nerd who once was a big world of warcraft player. Somehow that isn't a turnoff to people.

 

Anyway, the "serious" girl is awaiting for me to ask her to be my gf. I keep postponing it. I was supposed to ask her this past weekend at an event, but I made an excuse about it not being an appropriate time. In honesty, I just don't want to "cheat" on her. I turned off my facebook so that people don't add me, or see what I am doing. I turned it off so that if I do ask to her to be my gf, I don't have to be "facebook official." I can just not have one, and other girls wouldn't know about it.

 

In conclusion: Anyone been in this situation? Anyone else just got caught up in this multi-dating business and lost themselves? I feel like this might only get worse. What should I do? Should I break things off with the serious girl? Should I try and commit to her? Should I just continue on my path and let everything explode in my face? Am I a terrible person, or am I just being a "young guy?"

[Fondue]

Are you having sex with and/or dating all these girls with all of them being in the dark about each other?

 

If so, I'd say you're pretty terrible right now.

 

I was where you were at with multi-dating when I first got into it. There was a guy whose heart I broke and we didn't speak or see each other for years because it was too painful for him. We only recently reconnected as friends. I really messed up that whole time in my life.

 

Be honest with all those women about what you're REALLY up to if you haven't already. You'll probably find that all of them go away on their own. And if you continue on the path of multi-dating, please continue to be honest about things.

 

I believe they do know. Whenever they ask, "so what did you do on xxxx day?" or something similar, I always answer what friend I was out with and what activity we were doing. So I assume that they know I am out with other females...

 

EDIT: I never discussed exclusivity with any of these other women either. Never talked about anything else close to it. As far as I am concerned, they can be out with other women every day of the week for all I care. So I don't think it matters too much? Or it does?

Edited July 24, 2013 by Fondue

[Fondue]

But you've never actually come out and said you are dating/sleeping with others? You have just let them assume this? You with your fun, inventive dates and charming, nerdy demeanor that probably has them all convinced they are the only one despite your insinuations?

 

Yikes...

 

Man up. Tell the truth. I met a man I really liked on my first multi-dating venture and he was honest with me--said he was seeing someone else at the same time. I eventually put myself out of the running, and we lost touch, but I always admired him for being up front like that.

Thanks for the brutal honesty.

 

I suppose I have to find my pair of balls and do so. I have a date with another girl tomorrow, I'm going to start with her and tell her.

[MrCastle]

You always have to be honest bro. If for nothing else, they have a right to know your current sexual history for their own health. Sleeping with multiple partners is not a problem as long as they know about you sleeping with other people.

 

Good luck. Not many stick around when they find that out.

[BradJacobs]

Why not start with the woman that thinks you both are exclusive?! Because you know that she'll kick you to the curb?

 

Is she in your back pocket in the event the hotter women dump you?

[Fondue]

You always have to be honest bro. If for nothing else, they have a right to know your current sexual history for their own health. Sleeping with multiple partners is not a problem as long as they know about you sleeping with other people.

 

Good luck. Not many stick around when they find that out.

 

Thanks for the advice. I see your point. I guess what I really fear is that if I do speak up, I will lose most of that sexual attention. Which would kind of suck.

 

Why not start with the woman that thinks you both are exclusive?! Because you know that she'll kick you to the curb?

 

Is she in your back pocket in the event the hotter women dump you?

 

She might kick me to the curb. She might not.

 

If you read my post, she slept with some other dude when we were dating. That is actually what spawned this whole situation in the first place. I told myself I couldn't see her in teh same way again until I slept with someone else myself. And to be honest, it made me feel a lot better. I truly no longer cared about her indiscretions anymore after that. The only issue is that I liked what I did, and now continue to do it...

 

She isn't a back pocket event. She's the one I am mostly concentrating on. I connect with her so well, and she treats me very well. I don't find her as sexually attractive as the rest, so I guess that's why I continue to have sex with others.

 

and this kind of attitude is why I avoid online dating...I feel sorry for the girl who thinks you two are serious...I hope she finds out what youre really like soon

 

the responses you want after this self obsessed extremely shallow STD infested post: "bra you are soo cool! banging so many hot chicks... you are such a stud muffin !and awesome person who doesn't have crappy character at all! go you"

 

If she was serious about me, she probably wouldn't have slept with some other dude. Now It just became a bigger issue and I'm having a hard time letting go of this fun.

 

I am sorry that I made you upset by my post. I really did not mean to brag. I was looking for honest opinions because I'm conflicted.

 

I don't think I have a crappy character. I hear quite the opposite actually. I just happen to be in a situation that is a little awkward for everyone.

[Fondue]

Your post doesn't upset me. Just giving you the truth...no sugar coating.

 

You most def do have crapper character based on your post. If you didn't, you be worried about how you are hurting people and your post screams "me me me me" I doubt the people that know you are doing this think you are such an upstanding guy with good morals.

Thanks for the honesty.

 

I didn't mean to come off as self absorbed, but after re-reading my post, I can see why it may seem that way.

 

I suppose I didn't really understand what I got myself into once this multi-dating thing began. I know women do it all the time, but I didn't realize how difficult it is and how easy it ist o get caught in all the action. I was wondering if anyone was in a similar situation (both men and women) and how they dealt with it.

 

Don't most people just end up choosing one mate after a while? How long does it usually take?

[BradJacobs]

If you read my post, she slept with some other dude when we were dating. That is actually what spawned this whole situation in the first place. I told myself I couldn't see her in teh same way again until I slept with someone else myself. And to be honest, it made me feel a lot better. I truly no longer cared about her indiscretions anymore after that. The only issue is that I liked what I did, and now continue to do it...

 

She isn't a back pocket event. She's the one I am mostly concentrating on. I connect with her so well, and she treats me very well. I don't find her as sexually attractive as the rest, so I guess that's why I continue to have sex with others.

How do you think I got that information? Pulling it out of thin air?

 

As to the bold: you told her to choose between others and you. She chose you. You then changed the rules because you couldn't deal with her confession, cheated on her and continue to do so. How you want to spin it in your head is your business.

 

Man up and tell her that you're not exclusive.

 

Don't most people just end up choosing one mate after a while? How long does it usually take?

Sometimes and it's up to the two people involved. There are no universal rules about timelines.

[ThaWholigan]

I think you owe it to your own peace of mind as well as that of the women you're dealing with to be honest about your current mindset towards dating. Nothing wrong with wanting to date around a bit, but keeping it under wraps will take away from the enjoyment after a while - in fact I'm sure it already is otherwise this wouldn't be a thread - rather a few odd posts with a slightly happier tint.

 

Have it out in the open and let the ladies make up their minds. What do you stand to lose really? You can still date around. It will cause less problems now.

[Divasu]

In conclusion: Anyone been in this situation? Anyone else just got caught up in this multi-dating business and lost themselves? I feel like this might only get worse. What should I do? Should I break things off with the serious girl? Should I try and commit to her? Should I just continue on my path and let everything explode in my face? Am I a terrible person, or am I just being a "young guy?"

 

No. Sure, I went through a period where I did not want to jump into a serious relationship anytime soon after a LTR ended but, no where near the intensity and frequency as you described. I'd go on 1 date here and there, and that was it. It worked for me, less stress and I was able to focus on other things I wanted to do.

 

Everyone has their own dating style. Don't get into a relationship, for the sake of 'getting into on', settle down when you meet the right person and no longer have in interest in sexing it up with multiple women every night of the week. I'm sure you practice safe sex, but, there are other ways you can contract a disease and you are increasing your odds greatly at the frequency you're going at, not to mention accidentally pregnancy.

 

People who routinely ride their motorcycles going 100 mph, aren't always so lucky. Even with a helmet on.

[sdraw108]

You asked the one you're "serious" with to be exclusive, and she agreed. Now you're cheating on her with multiple other girls, to the point where you can't even remember who you said things to, and copy-pasting texts to save time!

 

I'm really struggling to see how you can spin any kind of positive light on this.

 

Also, you probably won't find many people to relate to your situation, because although people do multi-date, few take it to the extremes you have. If someone tells me on a date that they're multi-dating (as opposed to "casual" dating which is something else entirely), I assume they mean they're going on a few initial dates with other people, and dropping the ones they don't click with, until they choose one. I would be horrified if I knew they were sleeping with a different guy every day of the week, and sometimes even different ones on the same day and fully intended to pursue them all simultaneously. Or that an exact copy of that "nice text" they just sent me was also sent to 5 other guys. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

[RedRobin]

You asked the one you're "serious" with to be exclusive, and she agreed. Now you're cheating on her with multiple other girls, to the point where you can't even remember who you said things to, and copy-pasting texts to save time!

 

I'm really struggling to see how you can spin any kind of positive light on this.

 

Also, you probably won't find many people to relate to your situation, because although people do multi-date, few take it to the extremes you have. If someone tells me on a date that they're multi-dating (as opposed to "casual" dating which is something else entirely), I assume they mean they're going on a few initial dates with other people, and dropping the ones they don't click with, until they choose one. I would be horrified if I knew they were sleeping with a different guy every day of the week, and sometimes even different ones on the same day and fully intended to pursue them all simultaneously. Or that an exact copy of that "nice text" they just sent me was also sent to 5 other guys. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

 

If a guy tells me he's multi-dating, I assume he's sleeping with as many women simultaneously as possible... usually because those same guys are trying to get intimate with me... and if they are with me, they are with them too. I'm not an idiot.

 

In those situations, I will continue to talk on the phone or email, but will only go on dates in public. Funny though... guys like that always insist on having me go over to their house or come over to mine.

 

but back to the topic...

 

OP, I don't have any suggestions for you. Personally, I think any woman who does online dating and expects to meet a decent guy there needs to have her head examined.

 

I'm betting the women you are having sex with, and especially the one you claimed to be exclusive with, will come to the same conclusion as me once she gets to know you better.

 

Anyway, I see no dilemma here. You are missing the empathy gene. No sense getting mad at snakes for being snakes. They don't know any other way to be... so your behavior is entirely consistent with who you are. It doesn't sound like you want to change, so advice would be fruitless. It is good that you posted though... for other women who are doing online dating to read.

[Eternal Sunshine]

From his other threads, OP is a sociopath.

[SJC2008]

After a few weeks of this, I told her I am done "sharing" her, and that if she wants to continue seeing me, she has to make a decision immediately. Either stop seeing me completely, or be mine. She had some hesitations, but she said that despite being hurt a few months ago, I treat her so well and that I'm "pretty much perfect," and she doesn't want to lose me. She did say that I wasn't "sharing" her with anyone else, but..

 

Ok so you give her an ultimatum and now you're knee deep in pussy so it's:

 

EDIT: I never discussed exclusivity with any of these other women either. Never talked about anything else close to it. As far as I am concerned, they can be out with other women every day of the week for all I care. So I don't think it matters too much? Or it does?

 

Please explain this contradiction. No you didn't use the words exclusive but you did tell her you didn't want to share her. We're you ambiguous on purpose?

[MrCastle]

Personally, I think any woman who does online dating and expects to meet a decent guy there needs to have her head examined.

 

Lol I think any member from either gender who expects to find quality online needs to reevaluate their lives.

[therhythm]

I think your problem is not multidating but cheating and deceiving women.

I multidate most of the time but each woman I date knows what the deal is... some stay and so go...but they know that there is no exclusivity till we do not talk exclusivity.

 

You my friend asked a woman to be exclusive and then you keep dating... that is cheating!

Then you date women and have sex with them while you hide from them the fact that you are doing so... that is deceiving and misleading people, you are not allowing them to take an informed decision about you because you hide key information from them and you are putting their health at risk

 

The fact that the woman you were interested in a relationship with slept with another guy when she was in a business trip does not justify your actions... you could have stop dating that woman if you found that unacceptable but your reaction is unjustified and very disrespectful towards all those women who actually took the time to be with you.

Edited July 25, 2013 by therhythm

[realisticbound]

From his other threads, OP is a sociopath.

 

I think he's still in denial...

[Drseussgrrl]

Sometimes I can't believe the stuff I read on LS.

 

Are men really like this? Like, really?

[clia]

I don’t think you are a terrible person. I think you aren’t ready for a committed relationship yet, but I don't see where you've done anything wrong. However, I do think you should maybe cut back to three women so your work doesn’t continue to suffer.

 

I’m not clear on the relationship with the first girl. You asked her to be exclusive, she told you she slept with someone else, you got turned off, and she said when you are ready to be exclusive, she is ready? I’m basing all of the following on the assumption that you are not exclusive with her and she is well aware of that. (Seriously, though -- you aren't that into her if you are gallivanting around town sleeping with four other women, no matter what you say.)

 

I always assume men are dating (and possibly sleeping with) others until there is a conversation that establishes that both parties no longer want to do that. (Or other clear signs that make it abundantly clear that you are the one and only.) If you don’t want to risk sleeping with a guy who is still sleeping with other women, then don’t sleep with him until you establish exclusivity. It’s not that hard.

 

Yet women still do this – we see many posts around here about that. But given the sheer number of women you are dating, I can’t see how any of these women think they are the one and only – there just aren’t enough hours in the day. The first girl also must realize that if you occasionally ignoring her texts and phone calls because you are out with other women. And yet she is still seeing you. Interesting shift of power.

 

I don’t think you are under any obligation to have a “remember, we aren’t exclusive!” conversation with any of the women you are dating. If you haven’t discussed exclusivity (which you state you haven’t), then IMO you aren’t doing a single thing wrong by sleeping with other women. It might be gross, but technically it isn't wrong. That’s the whole point of the exclusivity discussion. If you are under some unspoken obligation to stop sleeping with other people just because you happen to be dating one person then it renders the entire concept of exclusivity moot. That said, if they directly ask, it would be wrong to lie to them. And it doesn’t sound like you are – you tell them you are out with other women -- and they continue to see you.

 

So…I’m not going under the assumption that the women you are seeing are simply innocent pawns in your game. If they slept with you that soon and without any expectation of exclusivity, it’s very likely they are doing the same thing you are doing. You may be sleeping with a woman who slept with another man earlier that day. You also haven't given any indication that any of them even want anything more serious with you. So...to each their own.

[sdraw108]

Are men really like this? Like, really?

 

Not all of us!

[RedRobin]

Sometimes I can't believe the stuff I read on LS.

 

Are men really like this? Like, really?

 

Yes. If I had to estimate, I'd figure a quarter to a half of the single men available are either like this or trying to be... especially the ones online.