throwaway_here Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Hey guys, I meet a girl at a friends party a few weeks ago and got her number. I had been warned by mutual friends that she probably wouldn't be interested in anyone after just coming out of a relationship about 6 weeks before I met her. I decided to talk to her anyway and thought what's the harm? We hit it off, have loads of things in common and were texting and flirting a lot. I kept subtly trying to set something up between us but she would just flirt back and brush it off. I decided to just go for it and ask her out on a date to which she said she wasn't ready to date yet, I said that was fine since I wasn't looking for something really serious anyway. We continued texting, for the next few days with more flirting. I enjoyed talking to her but I was getting sick of it going nowhere until last Sunday, I was chatting to her about going to her house to hang out, she said she wasn't sure she wanted me to because she didnt want to jump into anything. I assured her we would be just hanging out and there's no harm in that since we got on so well in text. She agreed, so I went to hers and watched a movie and we made out on the couch a little bit. As soon as we kissed the first time, she said she seriously was not looking for anything serious, and she text the same thing later, I said I was fine with that. She also said she had a really good time and that everything has been going great between us so far. Since then the flirting from her side has died down a bit and if I even suggest jokingly that we hangout in hers, she kinda just brushes it off and ignores that part of the text. She has also begun to not reply to texts at night time, when before she would reply the next morning or whatever. I dont wanna keep texting when she doesn't reply or asking her to hangout in hers like a creep but I feel like I'm the one who's gonna have to initiate it and I can't really ask her to do something that's too much like a date. Should I just back off a bit and wait for her to come to me or just keep pursuing like I have been? What should I do loveshack? Link to post Share on other sites
NJtoDC Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Should I just back off a bit and wait for her to come to me or just keep pursuing like I have been? What should I do loveshack? She has repeatedly made it clear (and you were also warned by friends) that she is not ready for a relationship. What's hot and cold about it? When you invited yourself to her house she objected and again made it clear she isn't ready to get involved you convinced her it was just a friendly thing. Unless she was the instigator of the kiss you did not respect her wishes once you got your foot in the door. She again reiterated she isn't ready for what you are initiating. She then pulled back because obviously the relationship was escalating beyond her comfort level. You keep pushing and she ignores your advance. Leave her be if you can't respect her boundaries and be simply a friend, which it seems you have having trouble being. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 This is tough because he is interested and she has indicated interest but she is not ready. What's tough is if he backs off or drops contact, 3 days later he'll find out she suddenly decided she was ready and has a new boyfriend. If I were the OP I would keep contact but keep it on a friendly level without trying to meet up for a while. She might stop all together or she might keep it going on a friendly level. If the OP can deal with the frustration he might get a chance down the line where she invites him out or indicates more interest. To me this would be frustrating but if he keeps in contact she might decide she is ready tomorrow or next month or the month after that. Either way I think not asking her out or to hang out is the only way she would keep in contact. Asking her out or suggesting hanging out will only make her disappear. If he waits with no expectations, he might get an opportunity down the line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author throwaway_here Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 Unless she was the instigator of the kiss you did not respect her wishes once you got your foot in the door. She again reiterated she isn't ready for what you are initiating. You make it sound like I forced myself onto her, yes I instigated the kiss, but she kissed me back. She could of easily told me to leave if she didn't want me there, she didn't and was lying on top of me for most of the time I was there so she wasn't uncomfortable around me. She told me that she really enjoyed the evening but told me she didn't want anything serious because she didn't want to me expect too much or things to get messy between us. If she wasn't interested in me at all I'd understand and back off but clearly there's is something there. I think I'm going to just back off a bit and stop asking to hang and see if that makes a difference and if it doesn't I'll have to move on because it's getting too frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 She's been very clear with you from the beginning but you refuse to listen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 She's been very clear with you from the beginning but you refuse to listen. Clear as mud. That's like saying you hate chocolate and refuse to eat them, then eat a box of chocolates all the while saying, "I do not want to eat chocolate". Her words say one thing, her actions showed another. That is not being clear. Being clear means she refuses the kiss and declines the get together and refuses any contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Clear as mud. That's like saying you hate chocolate and refuse to eat them, then eat a box of chocolates all the while saying, "I do not want to eat chocolate". Her words say one thing, her actions showed another. That is not being clear. Being clear means she refuses the kiss and declines the get together and refuses any contact. I agree and have been experiencing something very similar. If you aren't interested in it, why cuddle up with that person, why kiss them, why rest your head on their chest, why put your foot over ours while you both lie down? Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Clear as mud. That's like saying you hate chocolate and refuse to eat them, then eat a box of chocolates all the while saying, "I do not want to eat chocolate". Her words say one thing, her actions showed another. That is not being clear. Being clear means she refuses the kiss and declines the get together and refuses any contact. Nothing in her words or actions indicates she wants anything serious with him. But you are right, the only way the OP is gonna get it is if she is brutally honest with him and cuts all contact. I mean how many times do you have to tell someone you don't want to get involved with them before they believe you. Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Nothing in her words or actions indicates she wants anything serious with him. But you are right, the only way the OP is gonna get it is if she is brutally honest with him and cuts all contact. I mean how many times do you have to tell someone you don't want to get involved with them before they believe you. Uhh, I dunno, try not making out with the guy? Actions speak much louder than words. If she's okay with that maybe she's okay with him unbuttoning her pants too and seeing what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Meh, "we made out on the couch a little bit" doesn't mean she wants to get seriously involved with him. Many people flirt/have fun together without wanting anything more. And she told him she didn't from the beginning. On the other hand: As soon as we kissed the first time, she said she seriously was not looking for anything serious, and she text the same thing later Some people just don't listen to what they don't want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author throwaway_here Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 The thing is, she was asking me up to hers one night before but I couldn't go, she also used to say she wished I was with her for cuddles and stuff like that. But now the flirting has died down. It's just frustrating more than anything I wish she'd just tell me to **** off if she doesnt want anything Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 You lost this game long ago. All you could achieve here was rebound status.... which to me honestly is the ****ing best. As in ****ING (a lot of it) and BEST (no emotional attachment). But you threw that away, with the overly flirting and playfulness. Seemed like you NEEDED something from her and you probably scared her off. You should have instead been more laid back and just organized something light and fun. Shortly, you should have shown with your action that you weren't serious, not your words Concert/Party's happening. Invite her and friends. Tell her to come an hour before to chill. **** her. Be rebound for a few months. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Nothing in her words or actions indicates she wants anything serious with him. But you are right, the only way the OP is gonna get it is if she is brutally honest with him and cuts all contact. I mean how many times do you have to tell someone you don't want to get involved with them before they believe you. Well at least once without inviting him over and CHOOSING to make out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 The thing is, she was asking me up to hers one night before but I couldn't go, she also used to say she wished I was with her for cuddles and stuff like that. But now the flirting has died down. It's just frustrating more than anything I wish she'd just tell me to **** off if she doesnt want anything So Rebel, is this what you mean by brutal honesty, asking him to come over? Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Sounds to me like she is afraid of giving you the wrong impression or leading you on, and that's why she has backed off. She seems to be attracted to you and enjoy the cuddling and making out, but is not interested in a relationship with you at this point. You may say you are okay with this, but yet you keep contacting her very frequently and ask to meet up a lot. I think this might make her feel pressured. My advice is to back off, only contact her maybe once a week and only ask her to hang out every two weeks. Everything more intense than that does feel too much like a relationship, even if only a FWB thing, which she is clearly not ready for. Give her some time and space and maybe she will come around in a few months. But if you keep pursuing her 'aggressively' you might push her away. Good luck either way! Link to post Share on other sites
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