Case of the EX??

[sushigirl]

My boyfriend's ex of 4 years is apparently a very nice girl. She is still a big part of my bf's life as they are very good friends and she knows his family well. So I asked to meet her. I figure we can be friends too.

 

Apparently not. My bf says she refuses to meet me at all because she doesn't want the two of us to be compared. I've been dating my bf for almost a year now and I just want to learn about him.

 

Does this not wanting to meet me kick anyone else the wrong way besides me? Anyone know the possible reason behind that? Am I just being oversensitive?

[BECAREFUL]

Any mere mention of an ex sends warning bells ringing like crazy in my mind...maybe I've just had a bad experience, but hey.

 

Why the hell is she talking about being "compared"?? Does she think that your boyfriend still has feelings for her?? Cos if he doesn't, there wouldn't be any comparing at all going on. I don't want to worry you or make you neurotic about it, as it may be a harmless friendship but please tread carefull...ex's can be very bad news.

 

I've been badly burned, I guess that much is obvious...please watch your step, don't let yourself be as hurt as I was. Does he talk to her alone? Do they still see each other a lot? Do you think she's jealous of you? Cos if she is, she could very easily muscle in on your relationship and try to steal him back, believe me it can so easily happen, and my god it hurts.

 

Do you trust your boyfriend? If you trust him, then it shouldn't be a problem Thing is, I trusted my ex and he still went back to his ex

 

I'm not really the best person to reply to you, because I'm so biased. Hopefully someone else can put a different spin on your situation, just to balance things out!!

 

Good luck!

[Love2share]

I was in this exact, I do mean exact same situation until two weeks ago when I finally broke up with my ex. We were in an LDR and his ex lived just a few miles away from him. One year into our relationship, after I had met his family, and some of his friends, I wanted to meet his so called BEST FRIEND, his ex. She refused to meet me. He actually told me that she was jealous of me. But he refused to do anything about it at all. He just simply demanded that I accept the fact that I would never meet her. And there was no rule that said I needed to know all of his friends.

 

How dare he take her side??!!! Rather than demanding her to accept me, he was demanding me to accept, and respect her. Of couse, since I am a very agressive person where my feelings are concerned, I decided to call his ex to see what the problem was. That made the situation worse. Right after she finished gloating to me about how she will always be a part of his life because of the history between them, and how she knew more about him than I would ever know.....she became upset with him because I had called her. She demanded that he choose between me and herself.

 

Just to save face, he chose me. But he treated me like pure hell after that. He started sending her emails and begging her to reconsider, but she ignored him. The more she ignored him, the more he tried to get her back. She changed her cell phone number. Then he started calling her work phone number every day. Finally she gave him the new number, but she told him not to call her until he broke up with me. I had done some undercover spying to get all this information. But after having her back in his life, he demanded that I accept her. Then he gave me the ultimatum...accept his ex, or leave him alone. Deep down, I think he knew that I would leave him alone. He just wanted me to break up with him so that he wouldn't look like the bad guy. Two weeks later, he still has close contact with his ex, and he has a new girlfriend. [color=blue]And just to F--k with my head, yesturday, he sent me some flowers saying how much he still loved and missed me. He hopes that I will consider us getting back together some time in the future. [/color]

 

The moral of this long story is.....you need to talk to your man. Ask him how he feels about the fact that his ex doesn't want to meet you. If he loves you, he should feel disturbed. He needs to have a talk with his ex, and ask her why she thinks he would compare the two of you. If the ex insist upon not meeting you, then HE should be man enough to leave the ex alone. Ohterwise, you truly have a reason to be concerned because obviously she means more to him just anything friendly. Trust your instict.

 

Be very careful. My ex was so cruel, I had a talk with him after his ex refused to meet with me. He told me he felt like she was being a naive little B**ch. I asked him to talk with her. Of course, I'm sure he talked with her. But she didn't change her mind. However, my ex was not willing to let her go. Rather, he just made some type of agreement with her so that the two of them could continue their relationship. Then he came back and told me that they had ended their friendship and would never contact each other again.

 

They stopped calling each other. But later I discovered that they were still communicating through US mail and email. I was upset because he had lied to me. Even worse, he lied about something that he already knew was a problem for me. Rather than fixing the problem, he lied about it and made it worse. I really should have broken up with him right then. But instead, I let my emotions get the best of me. That's when I called her. That's when everything blew up.

 

Talk to him. Get a resolution from him. If you don't like the results, then decide if it's something you can deal with, then talk to him again about breaking up. If you like the results, be patient, and make sure everything is tells you is true. Don't be accusing and judgemental and make him feel like you don't trust him. And if you discover that he's being dishonest about this situation, leave him alone. Don't even waste your time. Because he will never change.

[Shasta]

I dunno, I recently broke up with a guy I had been seeing for 10 months. I'm still really good friends with him, but I don't think he would want to meet a new guy in my life. He's hurting, and I understand that and wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. It's kind of like, if you've been burned, you don't want to see the person that makes your ex happy. Get what I'm saying? I do understand that it sends warning signs up in people's heads if ex's are still friends, but they might be potentially saving you from a very uncomfortable situation. Although if he had a new girlfriend and she wanted to meet me, I would be more than happy to meet her. I guess it's just because I was the one who broke up with him. It's weird, I'm sorry if I was just rambling.

[echocrush]

I am the ex... When you have children together you can't just avoid each other all together, and truly we do enjoy the friendship we have now. I have to admit it's hard sometimes. I haven't looked back since I left, there is no desire to have him back, and no chance there ever will be again. When I was done, I was done. But when it came to meeting the next girl after me I have to admit it was really hard.

 

We were married/together for 8 years, and I gave him three beautiful children. I was over 30 overweight, and under educated and she was 19 or 20, anorexic, in college etc. In short I felt she was everything I wasn't. So I know what it's like to be afraid of comparisons. I wasn't afraind of him caring more for her than me or anything, it was more for my own sanity. Knowing he got someone so much "better" made me feel like crap.

 

He didn't want me to meet her either, and though she turned out to be not a very nice person I figured out a lot of the reason he didn't want the two of us together is he had told her his version of the breakup that she later told me in a rather nastly letter and it was pretty much I was evil and he was innocent. And if my side of the story came out, it could have made things difficult on him.

 

The next girl he dated ended up being a good friend, and that didn't turn out so well either. She's great, and I adore her, but it ended up being too much for me to handle. Because she felt comfortable enough with me to talk about their relationship and I felt like I was somewhere I didn't belong. He is my ex for a reason, and I can't be totally unbiased. A lot of things she said brought up old hurts for me...

 

I think I would prefer to stay as far as possible from his relationships in the future...

 

So it's probably best if you don't look for a friendship with her for your own sanity. There is a reason the two of them are not together, and the two of you are. You are probably better off not knowing too much about his prior relationships, but as for meeting her, he should protect you and not her. You have every right to meet her, and to know they aren't hiding anything. But I would make it more of a hi, nice to meet you... well gotta go type thing just to feel it out.

[guest]

I think these last two situations are okay. But the original post, there arent' any children involved. So there is no good reason why the the two ex's remain friends. And if either ex is uncomfortable accepting the fact that the other has moved on, they should not be as close as they are. It's not healthy. Once you've claimed the title as friends, a level of respect is demanded.

 

As for Echocrush and others in that situation, I'm sure you have other guy friends. If they are married or have girlfriends, don't you think it would be strange for you to not want to meet them. The only thing that separates your ex from any other friend in your life is the fact that the two of you share something deeper than any other friend. And if that dept makes you jealous of any other person in his life, you don't need to be too involved with him and calling him a friend. He's just your children's father, and YOUR EX. Let it go. Move on !!!!

[sushigirl]

Thanks for all the replies~~!

 

It helped me see a new perspective on this whole situation....since my bf DID do the breaking up with her and as far as I know she was just ok with the breakup at the time b/c she thought they would eventually get back together. Maybe you are right that she is still hurting..........or still in the process of healing...

 

Yet at the same time, she has a new bf that my bf has met. And her presence in my bf's life has really caused me alot of heartache. She is moving away permanently next month and so in the past year my bf went on a ski trip with her (and other ppl), drove 3 hours to the city where her graduation was, and even planned for a 3-week trip to Thailand this summer, as "something to remember each other by." Only when the avian flu set in did they cancel their plans.

 

I mentioned being uncomfortable with all these things to my bf and he inisists that I just don't trust him. And seriously thinking about it, I guess it's really hard for me to trust him after I had to find out about the ski trip and Thailand thru other people. And my bf often talks about her to his brother or to me and well, what can I say? I don't even know the girl! How can I have any input?

 

It's like having a puzzle and missing a big chunk of it because that is a part of his life I'll never be able to touch. It sucks, or maybe I'm just being greedy.

[Pyrannaste]

My bf says she refuses to meet me at all because she doesn't want the two of us to be compared.

 

I think that any ex who'd refuse to meet you for such a reason alone, should not be in touch with your bf, let alone a big part of his life.

 

I mentioned being uncomfortable with all these things to my bf and he inisists that I just don't trust him. And seriously thinking about it, I guess it's really hard for me to trust him after I had to find out about the ski trip and Thailand thru other people. And my bf often talks about her to his brother or to me and well, what can I say?

 

Did the ski trip happen while you and your bf were together? Or before you started dating? I guess you were already dating.

I don't like all of this one single bit.

 

Your bd should not whine you don't trust him. He does not deserve your trust.

I'd find it very difficult to trust my bf after him lying about a trip with his ex.

Let alone planning to go to thailand with her!!! To me it would be enough to break up.

 

I think that it is inappropriate that he is seeing this girl. She should be out of his life. This is not how friends behave.

 

Are you totally positive it is his ex refusing to meet you? and not your bf using it as an excuse?