Am I wrong to not trust her? Can you build a relationship w/o trust?

[losttrust]

I am a divorced man, 40s, successful professionally speaking and I have been dating my girlfriend for the past three years. I have never loved anyone the way I love this woman, and until I met her i did not think I could love so intensely anyone. When we met, I truly felt like I met my soul mate, the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, no doubts, no hesitations.

 

Until recently, we both have dated while living in different cities, although we have managed to see each other very frequently and take at least 4-5 trips together a year. In average we see each other at least 10 days a month. At the time we met we both were going through our divorces, although mine was farther along than hers and she had a harder time with her divorce than mine. Also recently, we finally decided to move together to the same city, both of leaving our jobs and taking time off to nurture our relationship.

 

My dilemma is this: Throughout our relationship she has had three "friendships" (each one at different times) with other men that she kept hidden from me and when I would ask she would deny any involvement, saying they were just friends. She claimed until recently that these relationships were friendships and only a couple of times involved some kissing when she had gotten very drunk, perhaps to imply that she lost control. Throughout this time she lied to me about seeing these men and oftentimes when she saw them she would tell me she was actually doing something else. Whenever I confronted her she denied anything beyond friendship but in the end she would admit that once or twice there was some kissing and that's all. Each time this confrontation happened, I would try to leave and she would get very upset, sad, very remorseful and promise me it would never happen again. unfortunately it happened, two times after the first one. Since I do love her immensely I always forgave her. She explained to me that she was going through a very difficult divorce and that the long distance relationship didn't help matters. During this time I have only been with her and the thought of being with another woman has never entered my mind.

 

Until recently she always maintained that there was never any sexual relationships with these men. Lately I have been having a lot of doubts about her honesty regarding this issue with me and I kept putting pressure on her to tell me the truth. About three weeks ago, she relented and told me that one night with one of these friends she may have crossed the line, but she doesn't remember exactly. This was very devastating for me to hear since I always believed and forgave her. She claims she was really sorry it happened but that she did not have the courage to tell me for fear of losing me. Now, I have a lot of questions in my mind and cannot be certain that she is telling me the truth anymore about this or other matters. She did quit her job and move to a different city to be together, to show me her commitment but I worry that she will not be honest with me again. I worry that when she is out she may be with someone else and then would lie to me like she did in the past. I worry how could she lie to me so many times about specific questions and go on like there was nothing wrong with me. I am very confused on what to do because I love her and see many good things in her. I feel she is really sorry about this and she has taken steps to show commitment towards this relationship. My problem is trust, I cannot be sure she is telling me truth now. In the past I never checked her stories to verify if they were true, but on this last issue, I did, and there are some things that do not match what I was able to find out. I do not want to be in a relationship where there is no trust but I try to understand the context of what happened since going through a divorce was difficult and we were apart for the majority of the time. My love for her has clouded my judgment and I am not sure what I should do anymore. Part of me feels very guilty that she quit her job and move to another city so that we could be together, but part of me also feels that her lack of honesty in the past has put an insurmountable obstacle between us. I would appreciate perspective from anyone out there.

[sportsloving]

The only thing I can tell you is from experience. You can re~build trust if you are both willing to try. Couple couseling will also be a great idea.

 

You have every right to question if she is telling you the truth, and I would seriously ask her to cut off all communication with all the guys (whom were just friends).

 

But I do know that you can work through it together, it takes time, she has to be willing to answer your questions, and you have to be willing to listen to her answers.

 

Good luck to both of you, I hope it works out for the best.

[Lovelygirl]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Same thing happened to me, I can only speak from my experience. In my case I gave him another chance and it happened again. It was hard, obviously your case may be different, but you should ask yourself why? If you can't come up with an answer that is satisfactory then you should go, if you do and like you say you really love her, then by all means give her a chance. You may forever regret it if you don't. The problem with these situations is that if it happened before three times, what's to prevent it from happening again? Psychology would tell you that by accepting it the first time and the second time you may have given her permission to do it again, as long as she was "very sorry" and she promised never to do it again. You have to work really hard at these issues if you want to resolve them, but you need to ask yourself: Am I willing? Is she willing? and finally and perhaps most importantly, is she able? Three times may be a pattern that in spite of her best efforts she may not be able to change without serious help from a professional. Good luck, I hope you fare better than I did.

[Debster]

It sounds to me like she has not completely dealt with her divorce and is not yet ready for the type of commitment you want. It also appears as though she drinks quite a bit.

[tanbark813]

So to recap, first these guys were just her friends. Then it changed to some kissing. Then it went to she "may" have crossed the line. And all this time you know for a fact she lied about details involving these guys.

 

All she's doing is trying to cover her ass. What really happened is that she didn't know if things would work out between you two given the long-distance thing, so she screwed these other guys in the meantime.

 

I've (foolishly) tried in the past to make a relationship work after a breach of trust and in my experience it just isn't worth it. Every time she's late or "forgets" to call, your mind is going to start racing through scenarios wondering if she's out with another one of her "friends" until you break down and post on a message forum asking for advice about something you already know deep down and simply don't want to admit.

 

If you can handle that, plus knowing that she lies to you regularly, plus knowing that she screwed other guys while you two were together, then best of luck to you.

[pain]

I believe you forgot a few things in your story so that people can truly evaluate the issue...for example, 1. she was your lover for a year before you got divorce (and treated her as such), 2. you are verbally abusive 3. you never introduced her to your family OR any of your friends keeping her always in the dark just like when she was your lover 4. she left her husband out of loyalty for you, but against her principles 5. you have violated her privacy by listening to her conversations, reading her email, hiring detectives, etc. 6. she tried to kill herself because she hurt you and you never did anything to help her 7. she has not had several partners as you make it in your story 8. she is today without a job a home or any financial security because despite everything, she loved you with all her heart and believed in you and your capacity to see beyond her past mistakes. I know this person, and I know she is a good woman and a good person. I hope someday she find happiness in her heart.....you know she has suffered enough!