Hanging out with a girl who has a bf, kind of...

[Babolat]

This is kind of for the females here, looking for some feedback....

 

I have been hanging out with a girl who told me the first time we went out, as friends, that she had a bf. I have known her for 2+ years and fell an immediate connection/attraction to her the first time I met her. For various reasons, mostly timing with me, I never acted on it.

 

We continued to hang out, no romance. We have seen each other 6-7 times over 5-6 weeks. She has planned things and so have I. I have been to her house 2 times and her to mine 2 times. I have never seen signs of a bf and she really never talks about him. She got touchy feeling with me one night while dancing and I did the same with her another night.

 

Earlier this week I told her I did not want to be the "other man"; that I was starting to like her, she has a bf, is not single, so I needed to be just friends. She said she is starting to like me too, that she did not expect it to happen. She said she had a choice to make the next day, which was yesterday. We ended up going out, had a great night, got a little touchy feely again back at her house then I went home.

 

She came over tonight and I could tell right away something was different. She talked more about the bf. She said prior to us hanging out she was preparing to end the 3 year relationship, that she had been emotionally detaching from him. We started hanging out and she said that changed things. She had no idea she was going to start having feelings for me like she has now. She has been trying to break it off with him but does not want to hurt him. Her "choice" meeting yesterday was her breaking up with him again. She said his response surprised her and now she is confused.

 

She really likes me, I can tell, and she has said so. I like her too. She was saying a lot of what ifs with us, what if it does not work, what if she makes the wrong decision (staying with him versus exploring something with us), what if people think badly of her, what if this and what if that. I said you do want to marry him right, and she kind of laugh and shook her head. She kept saying I want to be with you, I should not though, I can't have these kinds of thoughts. She said she was not clear where their relationship is now, or where it's been for a while, but feels like she would be hurting him if she continued to have the feelings she has for me.

 

I told her she needs to take care of herself, first and foremost. I told her I would not try to influence her regarding him. She wants to try to be friends still while she figures things out with him. I asked her what she wanted from me and she said friends right now, even though she has other, sexual/physical thoughts for me.

 

I know what I need to do, give her space and time. And it's what I have been doing since we started hanging out. What's confusing to me is why is she keeping him around only because she does not want to hurt him? And, should I hang around as friends? She is not the type to reach back out to me if/when she finally ends things with him, she is shy, conservative and I just don't think she will. She even said she is not sure if she could. I'm concerned for my own emotions if I continue to hang out with her. She left early tonight, saying she should, not that she wanted to, because something may happen.

 

It's rare I connect with a woman like we have. She is 100% my type and I can see something good developing, though it's still very early in us getting to know each other.

 

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation? Do you recommend I back off, 100%, break of all contact and move forward? I see how she feels and it hurts cause I know she feels what I feel, she keeps telling me that, yet I know she is confused too.

 

Thanks

[Archgirl]

Honestly, I think 99% of the time this situation results in the New guy/girl geting badly burned when they go back to their ex. You can't compete with the complicated ties between a long term couple, these take time to go away and at the moment all you may be to her is the promise of novelty and a bit of romance.

 

Another thing to consider is that how you get someone is generally how you'll lose them. We all have behaviour patterns in dating and relationships and I think that a lot of people aren't aware of their own. So chances are somewhere down the line when the passion has died and you're in the comfy couple phase she'll get bored and leave you for someone new.

 

That said I do believe that every now and then you meet exactly the right person in less than ideal circumstances. We're not you though, we don't know if this is the 99% scenario or the 1% risk everything go for it do not miss out opportunity.

 

And yes I have been in a similar situation. So has one of my closest friends on here. In my case, he went back to his ex. Then left her again. We tried the friends thing and the cutting off contact and still couldn't move on. I'm still in love with him, we're still not together and I still haven't met anyone who even comes close. But I will sooner or later.

 

It was still an experience I don't regret though. So I think that's my real advice, unless you are one of those people that needs to avoid hurt at all costs because youre afraid you can't survive it, do whatever feels right and don't have any regrets.

 

xoxo

Edited July 6, 2013 by Archgirl

[Babolat]

Honestly, I think 99% of the time this situation results in the New guy/girl geting badly burned when they go back to their ex. You can't compete with the complicated ties between a long term couple, these take time to go away and at the moment all you may be to her is the promise of novelty and a bit of romance.

 

Another thing to consider is that how you get someone is generally how you'll lose them. We all have behaviour patterns in dating and relationships and I think that a lot of people aren't aware of their own. So chances are somewhere down the line when the passion has died and you're in the comfy couple phase she'll get bored and leave you for someone new.

 

That said I do believe that every now and then you meet exactly the right person in less than ideal circumstances. We're not you though, we don't know if this is the 99% scenario or the 1% risk everything go for it do not miss out opportunity.

 

And yes I have been in a similar situation. So has one of my closest friends on here. In my case, he went back to his ex. Then left her again. We tried the friends thing and the cutting off contact and still couldn't move on. I'm still in love with him, we're still not together and I still haven't met anyone who even comes close. But I will sooner or later.

 

It was still an experience I don't regret though. So I think that's my real advice, unless you are one of those people that needs to avoid hurt at all costs because youre afraid you can't survive it, do whatever feels right and don't have any regrets.

 

xoxo

 

Hi Archgirl, thank you for the feedback.

 

She has shared enough where I know she is "what iffing" us. She even said she is not that experienced "in the bed" and is concerned I will not be happy with her that way. I probably heard 20 "what ifs" last night. I am older than her, she is attracted to older men, she was even what iffing that last night. And I heard a lot of "I shoulds" from her versus just following her heart.

 

She wants to take the next step with me, she has told me this, I see it, I feel it, yet I think she is afraid "we" would not work out for whatever reason. It's just strange to hear her say "I don't want to hurt him" versus "I really care for him and want to make it work". It's as if she is speaking for him when she talks and not speaking for herself. She has been in 2 LTRs and the first one cheated on her. I think that is on her mind; that she has something in him that is secure, knows what she has and with me there are unknowns.

 

I am a little sad; better to hear all this now then 3+ months from now. She wants to come over tonight as friends; not sure I can do that as my mind has other desires as this point.

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Dating is tough; I am starting to learn this. Yet each time I learn a little more about myself and grow...so that is good...I guess it really is a journey!

[Babolat]

After a 5+ week break, she texted me stating she wanted to hang out with me and bring her bf. I saw no harm in this so I invited her out to see a band with me Saturday night.

 

We met out Saturday night to see a local band. I met him, nice guy. I hung out with my friends and gave them their distance. Talked with her a little bit. It was actually not awkward at all, kind of nice to see her.

 

She texted me yesterday, we met up and spent 11 hours together! Museum, lunch, drinks, dinner then we went to a private spot on the river around midnight and hung out. She was hinting about sex again, though I would not go there. I hugged her, touched her a little bit more than before, she did not stop me. There was a mood killer incident when some other folks showed up so we left.

 

She asked me why I never approached her 2+ years ago when we first met or even a year ago. I told her the timing was not right. She said had I approached her a year ago things would be different. She sighed and seemed sad. There is definitely something still unsettled with her bf; not quite sure what.

 

I need to be careful as I really like her, a lot. She has caught my attention. My brother and sister were with us Saturday night; they both commented how much they could see she is my type, especially compared to my last gf, who they liked a lot, just questioned our compatability.

 

I need to be emotionally careful here. She hints about sex; though I can't tell if she is teasing or if she is serious.

 

I asked her why after 5 weeks did she reach out to me as she said 5 weeks ago we should not hang out. She said she needed some time and has realized she really likes me. I told her I need the time too; that I was rushing into an "us" after we started hanging out.

[Axee]

She brings her bf to hang out with you ..

 

I mean how are you tolerating all this? Will you like it if your girlfriend does the same with another guy...

 

Seriously, stop being in such complicated situation.. You are not doing the right thing..

 

Go no contact and tell her to get in touch if she completely breaks up..sees something happening..

 

And without ending one relationship how the hell can she initiate sex ?

And the "what ifs" really irritating.. And it doesnt mean a thing...I what if almost all guys mentally...

 

So OP, please be bold, dont go on "SHE IS MY TYPE" , yes she is if you are also a cheater.. Stay away from her.. She is playing with you casually.

[Lansing]

Dude, do NOT get involved with her. Even if she breaks up with this guy give it like 6+ months before you even consider dating her.

 

I had a situation where I had this crush on this girl.. but, I new she had a BF so nothing happened. Well, we got closer and closer. Eventually, I told her I couldn't do it anymore and we stopped talking for 2 months and then she got back in touch. We went back to being friends but then after another 2 months we started getting really close and she finally had the courage to break up with him. However, things were always weird between us. She didn't want her friends to think she had cheated on her ex, she was worried what others would think. I don't think she ever healed from the ex break up/etc. It would have been better if I had just moved on completely .

 

Long story short, we dated for almost a year but it was never a very good relationship. We are friends now (after a while of not talking to her after we broke up) and definitely much better off as friends and I would never date her/be interested in that sense again.

[StanMusial]

I have to agree with the others, you can't compete with history... unless you just can't find a truly single female around anywhere I just wouldn't mess with it.

 

Babolat you seem like a smart guy but if I remember some of your older posts you seem really naive about women for someone in your age range.

[MidwestUSA]

Is this the girl who lives with her bf and was, at one point, hoping for a ring? Bad, bad idea.

[Eddie Edirol]

After a 5+ week break, she texted me stating she wanted to hang out with me and bring her bf. I saw no harm in this so I invited her out to see a band with me Saturday night.

 

We met out Saturday night to see a local band. I met him, nice guy. I hung out with my friends and gave them their distance. Talked with her a little bit. It was actually not awkward at all, kind of nice to see her.

 

She texted me yesterday, we met up and spent 11 hours together! Museum, lunch, drinks, dinner then we went to a private spot on the river around midnight and hung out. She was hinting about sex again, though I would not go there. I hugged her, touched her a little bit more than before, she did not stop me. There was a mood killer incident when some other folks showed up so we left.

 

She asked me why I never approached her 2+ years ago when we first met or even a year ago. I told her the timing was not right. She said had I approached her a year ago things would be different. She sighed and seemed sad. There is definitely something still unsettled with her bf; not quite sure what.

 

I need to be careful as I really like her, a lot. She has caught my attention. My brother and sister were with us Saturday night; they both commented how much they could see she is my type, especially compared to my last gf, who they liked a lot, just questioned our compatability.

 

I need to be emotionally careful here. She hints about sex; though I can't tell if she is teasing or if she is serious.

 

I asked her why after 5 weeks did she reach out to me as she said 5 weeks ago we should not hang out. She said she needed some time and has realized she really likes me. I told her I need the time too; that I was rushing into an "us" after we started hanging out.

 

I dont like it one bit. if she was honest about being that attracted to you, she would leave her bf for you. I think she has some agenda with that guy, and thats why she is needing attention from you. She wants to feel desired, youre right there, and you give it up so easily, without her having to have to do anything with you. If you want to drive her crazy, tell her you started seeing someone and you cant hang out with her. But seriously, I think she is playing games with you, and theres no way you will win, especially since you dont have any other choices.

[Woop1337]

If you have any kind of self control, you should stop talking to this woman.

 

She is accounted for, and here you are putting your hands on her and vice versa.

 

 

She's wrong for even indulging your advances. And your wrong for fawning over a woman who's in a long term relationship. This woman sound like a real catch, she doesn't even have the intestinal fortitude, to break up with someone she isn't passionate about.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is so messed up.

 

Either she is using you to make her bf jealous (why on earth would she bring him to hang out with you??) OR he is already suspicious and she wants to show him that it's all innocent (so that he doesn't think anything when she spends alone time with you).

 

Either way, she is manipulative and a cheater. Her convos with you are totally inappropriate.

[Babolat]

Is this the girl who lives with her bf and was, at one point, hoping for a ring? Bad, bad idea.

 

No, they do not live together. He is in grad school and works a lot of hours so he is just not available from what I see/hear.

 

2nd time we hung out back in June she said after dating for 3 years that yes, she wanted him to commit to her, that she felt like she was wasting a lot of time with him. That was the main reason she was having break up talks with him. I think when we went out for the first time they were either taking a break or in the middle of talking about the relationship.

[Babolat]

This is so messed up.

 

Either she is using you to make her bf jealous (why on earth would she bring him to hang out with you??) OR he is already suspicious and she wants to show him that it's all innocent (so that he doesn't think anything when she spends alone time with you).

 

Either way, she is manipulative and a cheater. Her convos with you are totally inappropriate.

 

She brought him because I suggested it..I left that out as I forgot about that. I am the one who said I would like to meet him when we were hanging out back in June/July. She is the one who reached out to me last week to say they would like to go see this band the next time I do. I am the one who replied stating I am seeing another band Saturday, you and your bf should come.

 

I was 100% comfortable meeting him..and I did not feel anything more than a friendship for her at that point....until yesterday when she contacted me and asked if I wanted to hang out.

 

I am not going to pursue her; I am going to keep doing my thing and let her figure out what she wants to do. I am definitely not going to try to date her while she has a bf.

 

I think she is trying to get to know who I really am. She told me when we first started hanging out she pictured me as a player. I am not. I still get questions and hear comments from her that tells me she is thinking this.

 

Her first serious bf cheated on her. She thought they were going to get married and live happily ever after. When I asked her back in June what she liked about her current bf, she said he does not talk to girls and will never cheat on me. I have female friends and I think she is "checking that out".

 

I am saying I want to marry this girl or even date her. Spending time with her has actually helped me better define what my type is.

[Babolat]

I dont like it one bit. if she was honest about being that attracted to you, she would leave her bf for you. I think she has some agenda with that guy, and thats why she is needing attention from you. She wants to feel desired, youre right there, and you give it up so easily, without her having to have to do anything with you. If you want to drive her crazy, tell her you started seeing someone and you cant hang out with her. But seriously, I think she is playing games with you, and theres no way you will win, especially since you dont have any other choices.

 

I think she is afraid to leave him, get closer to me, and then I dump her or cheat on her. Heck, I am not even sure I would date her long term even if she did break up with him. It's all still fresh and new and I am not even sure I am emotionally ready to date someone right now. I have talked to her about this so my guess is that is why she is not breaking up with him.

 

Which yes, I could argue she is being weak and should leave him regardless of me. Though we have all been there; afraid to leave something secure even though it may not be what we want or we know it's not the best relationship for us. I was in a 9 year marriage that lasted 7 years longer than it should have as I was committed to the marriage.

[CptSaveAho]

why havent you banged her?

 

I dont get it... her legs are practically spread wide open for you?

 

what do you hope to accomplish? date her? shes toying with you behind her boyfriends back... shes going to do the same exact thing to you. (common sense seems to be a superpower nowadays) You're not special and different...

 

Either move on, stop posting in this thread, or pump and dump her and then post in this thread how great it was and move on to the next girl

[RedRobin]

I think she is afraid to leave him, get closer to me, and then I dump her or cheat on her. Heck, I am not even sure I would date her long term even if she did break up with him. It's all still fresh and new and I am not even sure I am emotionally ready to date someone right now. I have talked to her about this so my guess is that is why she is not breaking up with him.

 

 

Then what are you doing?!

 

She can't possibly be the only 20 something you can find to experiment with. If memory serves, you also work with this one?? Or am I confused?

 

I can't believe I'm saying this... but I am... Look, just get on OkC. If you can hold a conversation and are reasonably attractive, there are plenty of younger women there in similar life situations as you. You know that. You don't need to mess with this one.

[Babolat]

why havent you banged her?

 

I dont get it... her legs are practically spread wide open for you?

 

what do you hope to accomplish? date her? shes toying with you behind her boyfriends back... shes going to do the same exact thing to you. (common sense seems to be a superpower nowadays) You're not special and different...

 

Either move on, stop posting in this thread, or pump and dump her and then post in this thread how great it was and move on to the next girl

 

I don't have to pump her nor will I while she is in an exclusive relationship.

 

Yeah, I am attracted to her, yeah she is my type, honestly though, almost a day later, I am not giving her much thought other than hanging out. I am not going to contact her or make plans with her. If she reaches out to me, yeah, I will probably go hang out with her again.

[CptSaveAho]

why?........

[Axee]

OP you are rationalizing and overthinking every single aspect of her behaviour..

"She might be thinking like this, she might be thinking like that.. "

 

Why ask for advice when you know what you are going to do anyways..She is asking for "commitment" from her bf... Hope you understand to what extent she belongs to him...

 

I think you have some serious self esteem issues and love playing second fiddle..

[Simon Phoenix]

Why on Earth would you put yourself in this situation?

[Carenth]

This is going to end in all kinds of bad if you keep going down this path. More importantly why would you be interested in a girl who is pretty much contemplating cheating on her BF with you.

 

Is that something you really want to have to deal with if you end up dating thinking that she will be going behind your back when she gets bored? Don't think you will be the exception. Generally when you see a behavior in a person you will see it again later down the road.

 

Honestly you are playing with fire and I don't know why you are putting yourself in this situation.

[Babolat]

Then what are you doing?!

 

She can't possibly be the only 20 something you can find to experiment with. If memory serves, you also work with this one?? Or am I confused?

 

I can't believe I'm saying this... but I am... Look, just get on OkC. If you can hold a conversation and are reasonably attractive, there are plenty of younger women there in similar life situations as you. You know that. You don't need to mess with this one.

 

Yes, we work for the same compnay though we rarely see each other. And it's not a 20 something attraction as I do not look at her as a 20 something; more a women who is my type.

 

Right now I am just going with the flow. I am not pursuing her, I am not wanting to date her. I am not going to sleep with her or get more physical with her.

 

Maybe, and I thought about this last night, she is safe for me as I don't know if I want to get into a serious relationship right now...kind of like the other 3 women I am hanging out with, though they have not introduced the sex card. If she was available maybe I would be running.....

 

Spending time with her makes me think I am ready for a serious relationship (not with her) as I like her and could see myself dating her, if there was no bf. I have been telling myself I do not want to get into a serious relationship right now, though I am rethinking that having gotten to know her better and seeing there is a possible great match out there for me (not her as she is not available). My last gf left a lot of scars that I think I have worked through. I am realizing it was not that I did not want to be in a serious LTR, which is what I thought; I was with the wrong woman.

 

Hopefully this makes sense.

[Babolat]

why?........

 

Because I am not a player, I can constrain myself. I don't need her for sex.

[Babolat]

OP you are rationalizing and overthinking every single aspect of her behaviour..

"She might be thinking like this, she might be thinking like that.. "

 

Why ask for advice when you know what you are going to do anyways..She is asking for "commitment" from her bf... Hope you understand to what extent she belongs to him...

 

I think you have some serious self esteem issues and love playing second fiddle..

 

Actually, 24+ hours later, I am not. I am seeing it for what it is and have no plans to spend any more energy on her. If she reaches out to me again to do something, if I don't have plans, yeah, I will hang out with her. I will also re-establish my boundaries with her.

 

My first thought when we were hanging out Sunday is perhaps there was a relationship change on her end. I did not ask; I don't really care. it's up to her to share that with me if there has been as I am moving forward, doing my thing. She did make it clear she would not go back to my house with me and i was going to come into her house.

 

Regarding self-estemm, no, I am fine with my self-esteem and do not love playing second fiddle. I feel sorry for her bf actually if he has no idea what she has shared with me. Though, in some ways, she is with him, has committed to him, and maybe it's ok to tell another man how things could be. Not sure how I see that one.

 

Saturday night, at the club/bar, she was talking to me, in front of him, about some of the times we hung out together back in June/July, so he knows something, what I don't know, don't care as again I am not chasing this woman.

 

I am not hung up on her, obsessed with her, wanting for things to change. I am not waiting for her. She knows where I stand as I have told her. About 2 weeks ago I told her I was checking out OKCupid, talking to her about the questions, the tests, and the like. I told her as a friend; that's where my head was. She met her bf online, match.com, I was asking her if she had ever been on OKCupid, and if yes, what her experience was like. I have no issues with this woman having a bf. I have no issues hanging out again with her, one on one or with her bf. I don't feel good about the little bit of touching I did on Sunday and THAT will not happen again; unless she tells me no more bf.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Babolat

[Auguria]

This is kind of for the females here, looking for some feedback....

 

I have been hanging out with a girl who told me the first time we went out, as friends, that she had a bf. I have known her for 2+ years and fell an immediate connection/attraction to her the first time I met her. For various reasons, mostly timing with me, I never acted on it.

 

 

Thanks

 

If there's something I dislike with passion is when people don't know what the hell they want! No I want my boyfriend of three years, whom I been wanting to break up with... but now, I like you... but I didn't want to.. but I like my boyfriend too... I will break up with him... but I like you... I couldn't break up with him and on and on and on. She is immature. Let her and her confusion be. Live your life Babolat! And let the little girl figure out her "feelings" and what she wants.