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Dating? Leading to something more? FWB?


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UGH. So this is exactly why I've never dated. I have zero clue how to navigate the dating scene.

 

Here's the back story. Met a guy, we've been dating for over a month now. We've gone out for dinner, movies, dessert, I've been to his place, he's been to mine. We talk on a regular basis, and we wound up having sex after about a month. He asked me out on another date after that so I thought things were good and he wasn't just in it for the sex.

 

I admittedly have communication issues and I have a hard time stating what I want and need from a partner. Now I'm starting to freak out because sex is becoming a regular part of things. (He's 32, I'm 29)

 

We haven't had any official "talk" about exclusivity, or about where this is going, and I'm freaking out that I'm heading into FWB territory.

 

I know 5 weeks really isn't a long time in terms of "dating" and whether or not you really know if you're going to make someone an official girlfriend. We've done sleepovers but last night we had sex and he wound up leaving after. It just put me on high alert for "booty call" status.

 

I was honest with him and told him that I've enjoyed getting to know him thus far and casual sex isn't the road I want to be going down. He apologized and said he was sorry if it came off bad and that if he had stayed he would never have wanted to leave... he had to be up early in the morning to get some things done.

 

Should I pull back and keep all future dates outside of our respective houses?

Edited by KatZee
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Sunshine87

Don't communicate. It's too early. But I would pull back a bit if I were you and "strategically" ensure that the meetings hold outside the purview of "four closed lonely walls" lol

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Why do you think things are heading into FWB territory as opposed to relationship territory?

 

I don't see any reason why you should be spending much time at either of your houses at this point anyway. Maybe for a pre-drink before you go out kind of thing, but that's about it. You should primarily still be going out on dates, not sitting around your or his house cooking dinner, watching movies, or doing other "established couple" stuff. (IMO.) I think it's important to not have sex every time you see him, and to not make sex the focal point of your seeing each other. If it happens after a nice evening out, great. If not, that's fine also.

 

I also don't blame you for not wanting to bring up exclusivity at this point in the game and "where is this relationship going" type of things. It's early. I vastly prefer to allow the guy to bring it up, but you do run the risk that he is seeing other women or sleeping with other women. Has he really given any indication that he may not be relationshp minded or is not 100% focused on you? Has he mentioned the future at all (in terms of plans or anything else)?

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You should primarily still be going out on dates, not sitting around your or his house cooking dinner, watching movies, or doing other "established couple" stuff. (IMO.) I think it's important to not have sex every time you see him, and to not make sex the focal point of your seeing each other. If it happens after a nice evening out, great. If not, that's fine also.

 

Right. We've had the "established couple" stuff twice now in 5 weeks. I want to kind of steer it away from that. I feel like yesterday was a critical error on my part just in my excitement to see him.

 

I've been advised to back off a lot. Let him come to me and to turn down any last minute plan ideas and only go on real date dates.

I just really hope it doesn't set the tone and precedent for whatever happens next and I hope I didn't royally screw anything up.

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Sunshine87
Right. We've had the "established couple" stuff twice now in 5 weeks. I want to kind of steer it away from that. I feel like yesterday was a critical error on my part just in my excitement to see him.

 

I've been advised to back off a lot. Let him come to me and to turn down any last minute plan ideas and only go on real date dates.

I just really hope it doesn't set the tone and precedent for whatever happens next and I hope I didn't royally screw anything up.

 

Don't be too rigid by turning down last min dates all the time. Don't stifle what could potentially blossom into a loving relationship. Don't be jaded by LS posts either. Just pull back a bit and let him come to you. But don't play mind games or stick to the rigid rules.

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Drseussgrrl
Right. We've had the "established couple" stuff twice now in 5 weeks. I want to kind of steer it away from that. I feel like yesterday was a critical error on my part just in my excitement to see him.

 

I've been advised to back off a lot. Let him come to me and to turn down any last minute plan ideas and only go on real date dates.

I just really hope it doesn't set the tone and precedent for whatever happens next and I hope I didn't royally screw anything up.

 

Girl if he's right for you, there's not a whole lot you can do aside from coming across as a total nutjob that will steer things in the wrong direction.

 

Just be yourself and continue to have fun with him. :) You are enough.

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Ninjainpajamas

There isn't really a lot of information about his behavior, words or attitude towards being committed or not...the fact that he waited for a month to have sex with is a positive sign, but if he's into you then he'd be dedicated a lot of time and energy into seeing you and being with you as well...if it was just spending maybe 4 times together then that isn't an incredible amount of energy or anything, less I would say is negligible and likely a FWB setup.

 

Without any representation of what you are looking for/want, or any communication about such things from the man, and expression on your part that will typically lead to a FWB scenario...a lot of men don't have any expectations towards anything committed and the less you say the better, they just ride the wave until you speak up and then they back off, not because you scared them because they know it's their cue to go...often women get the inclination they can scare a man who would have otherwise been interested but IMO that is not true, you cannot scare a man who is really interested in you unless you're talking about babies and marriage on the first two dates or whatever...that kind of communication early on should can be tastefully discussed, it doesn't have to be the outright "talk", men will often use your passivity to their advantage...especially manipulators, manipulators exploit all avenues and weaknesses a woman represents...low self-esteem, gullibility, naivety, lack of awareness or how to read men.

 

My only sense or read from your post is that this guy doesn't seem terribly interested and may intentionally be avoiding "communication"...right now to me it's like you're trying to buy something from looking at it far away, you haven't walked up to see if it's any "good", you should have a better indication/gut feeling/read of where this is "going" and what kind of "game" he may be running...you can't just simply go along for the ride and hold out for sex after a month...you have to have other methods of testing the boundaries and interests of men, because I can tell you that many men definitely doing that with you.

 

The easiest women to play are simply the ones who do and say nothing, leaving things all in the man's hands can be an extremely bad idea for the wrong kind...leaves you open for you being "used" to whatever extent he may feel, you've got to do your part as a woman. Women are often too afraid to burst this delicate bubble with men, and is so often why they lose in the dating game.

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...a lot of men don't have any expectations towards anything committed and the less you say the better, they just ride the wave until you speak up and then they back off, not because you scared them because they know it's their cue to go...often women get the inclination they can scare a man who would have otherwise been interested but IMO that is not true

 

The easiest women to play are simply the ones who do and say nothing, leaving things all in the man's hands can be an extremely bad idea for the wrong kind...leaves you open for you being "used" to whatever extent he may feel, you've got to do your part as a woman. Women are often too afraid to burst this delicate bubble with men, and is so often why they lose in the dating game.

 

I like this a lot. We see each other twice a week. He has a pretty intense job and whenever he's off he always gets in touch with me. We do key date nights "Fri/Sat" We've also done weeknight dinners.

 

I didn't want to drop any bombs so soon but seeing as we've had sex three times now, I felt it was time for me to speak up and I did last night. I only mentioned that I didn't want to be doing anything casual. So I did slightly open the door to what I need to say the next time we get together.

 

I'm thinking the next time we get together it will be at a restaurant near me, and I'm going to lay all the cards on the table. What I'm looking for and find out what he's looking for.

 

Good move?

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youngnlove89

I think communication is important. What ruins a relationship is the guessing game and expecting him to know things. Guys can't read minds.

 

Don't play games. Don't say "no" to last minute plans. If you want to hang out with him, do!

 

If the FWB thing bothers you then tell him you are looking for more than a casual relationship. He then should establish with you what he is looking for.

 

Enjoy the relationship right now. So far it seems like everything is going great, just communicate more. If something is bugging you, tell him. If he likes you the same way, he will respond the way you want him too.

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Drseussgrrl
There isn't really a lot of information about his behavior, words or attitude towards being committed or not...the fact that he waited for a month to have sex with is a positive sign, but if he's into you then he'd be dedicated a lot of time and energy into seeing you and being with you as well...if it was just spending maybe 4 times together then that isn't an incredible amount of energy or anything, less I would say is negligible and likely a FWB setup.

 

Without any representation of what you are looking for/want, or any communication about such things from the man, and expression on your part that will typically lead to a FWB scenario...a lot of men don't have any expectations towards anything committed and the less you say the better, they just ride the wave until you speak up and then they back off, not because you scared them because they know it's their cue to go...often women get the inclination they can scare a man who would have otherwise been interested but IMO that is not true, you cannot scare a man who is really interested in you unless you're talking about babies and marriage on the first two dates or whatever...that kind of communication early on should can be tastefully discussed, it doesn't have to be the outright "talk", men will often use your passivity to their advantage...especially manipulators, manipulators exploit all avenues and weaknesses a woman represents...low self-esteem, gullibility, naivety, lack of awareness or how to read men.

 

My only sense or read from your post is that this guy doesn't seem terribly interested and may intentionally be avoiding "communication"...right now to me it's like you're trying to buy something from looking at it far away, you haven't walked up to see if it's any "good", you should have a better indication/gut feeling/read of where this is "going" and what kind of "game" he may be running...you can't just simply go along for the ride and hold out for sex after a month...you have to have other methods of testing the boundaries and interests of men, because I can tell you that many men definitely doing that with you.

 

The easiest women to play are simply the ones who do and say nothing, leaving things all in the man's hands can be an extremely bad idea for the wrong kind...leaves you open for you being "used" to whatever extent he may feel, you've got to do your part as a woman. Women are often too afraid to burst this delicate bubble with men, and is so often why they lose in the dating game.

 

Well this begs the obvious question: When and how do we even bring this up? Before sex? After? It's so confusing.

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Well this begs the obvious question: When and how do we even bring this up? Before sex? After? It's so confusing.

 

Exactly. From what I see, men determine if they want to make a woman a girlfriend AFTER he has sex. Meanwhile women try to hold out and NOT have sex until there is exclusivity. And then if she does in fact put out, the guy can get turned off if it's too soon, or if he waits too long. I've had both opinions on my situation. That I had sex too soon, and that it was just enough time.

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Drseussgrrl
Exactly. From what I see, men determine if they want to make a woman a girlfriend AFTER he has sex. Meanwhile women try to hold out and NOT have sex until there is exclusivity. And then if she does in fact put out, the guy can get turned off if it's too soon, or if he waits too long. I've had both opinions on my situation. That I had sex too soon, and that it was just enough time.

 

I've also read that we're supposed to just act like we don't really care either way, because we're supposed to remain cool even after the fact and not get all "girlfriend-y" and start expecting more just because we had sex.

 

So we go along with things, continuing to be low-maintenance, fun, and happy when the guy is getting what he wants - sex with no expectations.

 

I want to know once and for all what we're supposed to because as far as I'm concerned men hold the cards here - especially because women really do like sex with someone they're into as much as men, but have a harder time separating the feelings and expectation from the act itself.

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youngnlove89

If a guy wants you to be his girlfriend, he will make the statement.

 

If not, he will keep you stringing along until you say/do otherwise.

 

Men aren't that hard to read. Women are. We say we want something, but we don't show it. We don't communicate it, we just expect it. So the guy gets confused because he doesn't want to make the wrong move.

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I've also read that we're supposed to just act like we don't really care either way, because we're supposed to remain cool even after the fact and not get all "girlfriend-y" and start expecting more just because we had sex.

 

So we go along with things, continuing to be low-maintenance, fun, and happy when the guy is getting what he wants - sex with no expectations.

 

I want to know once and for all what we're supposed to because as far as I'm concerned men hold the cards here - especially because women really do like sex with someone they're into as much as men, but have a harder time separating the feelings and expectation from the act itself.

 

Yup. This too. We've had sex 4 times now and I've been "cool" each time. I haven't gotten clingy, needy, girlfriend-y, nothing. I've learned how to condition myself to just completely detach. I know tons of women get closer after sex, I'm the exact opposite because I know this can lead to (more often than not) a booty call situation and I'm not about to be hurt because a guy needs to "test drive" me.

 

But then I really can't enjoy the aspect of a budding relationship. I need to always be keeping a close guard on my emotions/feelings/and heart.

 

It kind of just put me off that he left afterward and it's why I finally said something. Lets see if I even hear from him again. If he's getting a whiff of me wanting to be serious and he's not about it, I'm sure he'll just pull a fade at this point.

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Exactly. From what I see, men determine if they want to make a woman a girlfriend AFTER he has sex. Meanwhile women try to hold out and NOT have sex until there is exclusivity. And then if she does in fact put out, the guy can get turned off if it's too soon, or if he waits too long. I've had both opinions on my situation. That I had sex too soon, and that it was just enough time.

 

Nope. Not all men.

 

... and I'd recommend that women who keep finding themselves in this situation find other ways to communicate sexual interest and determine sexual compatibility without actually having sex with the guy until YOU are sure he is what you really want.

 

In the meantime, he needs to be demonstrating other behaviors... and words lining up with actions... if a woman wants a relationship. I realize that he was doing this before, and now you are concerned with him sliding into FWB and booty call territory.

 

My opinion to you in your other thread was to wait until you were sure... and, I'll add here... until YOU are ok with the outcome of your decision... whatever it is... I just saw your post above. It sounds like you are ok either way, so that is good. I'm very sorry to hear there is some doubt now about his intentions. Even though I was a bit skeptical, I really am rooting for you.

 

Ok.. how to proceed from here? Well, telling him you are not ok with something casual only needs to be said once. After that you need to demonstrate you are not going to go along with anything casual and FWB like behavior on his part. No need to be pissy about it or accusatory about it either. Just do it.

 

Only reserve your time with him with things that suit you... don't worry so much about what he might or might not want sexually or about losing him.

 

Have fun and keep things light... but keep an air of cheerful firmness about you until you are sure you are getting what YOU want out of this. No need to be afraid... nor pleading either.

 

Suggest activities that you think you'd both have fun doing that don't end up in bed. If he routinely balks at that, you have your answer.

Edited by RedRobin
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I was honest with him and told him that I've enjoyed getting to know him thus far and casual sex isn't the road I want to be going down. He apologized and said he was sorry if it came off bad, that sleeping in the same bed with me is awesome...and that if he had stayed he would never have wanted to leave... he had to be up early in the morning to get some things done before work.

 

Good

I just really don't want to be put in booty call category. Should I pull back and keep all future dates outside of our respective houses? Yeah, people are going to scream "communicate!" But I don't want to put pressure on him so early in the game.

 

Not a bad idea but his intentions (we don't know what they are) aren't going to change no matter what you do. It depends on what he's looking for and/or what "category" he has you in. So it looks like you're going to have to wait and see.

 

This is the number one thing I hate about dating. Most people (genaral most people, not directed at you) don't talk about goals and boundaries becasue we'll be coming on too strong etc.

 

I tried the communication route with the last woman I dated and it didn't work. On our 3rd date I asked her what she looked for in a relationship and she said she didn't know what she wanted and wanted to date around. I told her I'm OK with multi dating but if we got to a point where we started having sex, that's where I draw the line with multi dating. Anyway, I should of bailed becuase we had different goals and most everyone here knows what happened.

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thefooloftheyear
Nope. Not all men.

 

... and I'd recommend that women who keep finding themselves in this situation find other ways to communicate sexual interest and determine sexual compatibility without actually having sex with the guy until YOU are sure he is what you really want.

 

In the meantime, he needs to be demonstrating other behaviors... and words lining up with actions... if a woman wants a relationship. I realize that he was doing this before, and now you are concerned with him sliding into FWB and booty call territory.

 

My opinion to you in your other thread was to wait until you were sure... and, I'll add here... until YOU are ok with the outcome of your decision... whatever it is... I just saw your post above. It sounds like you are ok either way, so that is good. I'm very sorry to hear there is some doubt now about his intentions. Even though I was a bit skeptical, I really am rooting for you.

 

Ok.. how to proceed from here? Well, telling him you are not ok with something casual only needs to be said once. After that you need to demonstrate you are not going to go along with anything casual and FWB like behavior on his part. No need to be pissy about it or accusatory about it either. Just do it.

 

Only reserve your time with him with things that suit you... don't worry so much about what he might or might not want sexually or about losing him.

 

Have fun and keep things light... but keep an air of cheerful firmness about you until you are sure you are getting what YOU want out of this. No need to be afraid... nor pleading either.

 

Suggest activities that you think you'd both have fun doing that don't end up in bed. If he routinely balks at that, you have your answer.

 

I hear what you are saying, but now she is going to go cold on the sex? I can tell you that as a guy, hes probably going to get frustrated with this..

 

If she established it first, thats different..I think if she pulls back now, its going to be uncomfortable. I am not saying she doesnt have a right to let her feelings on this be known..She does...but just be prepared..He might flake out..

 

If I really thought highly of the person, I would honor it and suck it up...Some might not. And that doesnt mean they were "just in it for the sex"...

 

Hope it all works out!

 

TFY

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I hear what you are saying, but now she is going to go cold on the sex? I can tell you that as a guy, hes probably going to get frustrated with this..

 

If she established it first, thats different..I think if she pulls back now, its going to be uncomfortable. I am not saying she doesnt have a right to let her feelings on this be known..She does...but just be prepared..He might flake out..

 

If I really thought highly of the person, I would honor it and suck it up...Some might not. And that doesnt mean they were "just in it for the sex"...

 

Hope it all works out!

 

TFY

 

Not necessarily "cold" on the sex. I mean the door is open. What's done is done, and there's no real turning back from here.

 

What I DO want to start doing is just pulling back the "at home" dates. I don't want to set a precedent that I'm always available and that he can just come over to "watch a movie."

 

We were doing the "outdoor" dates for a month, and our last was out to dinner last Thursday evening. I want to just get some activities going and reconnect on a deeper level besides just sex.

 

Haven't heard from him since last night's conversation after I stated I didn't want to go down the "booty call" path. He's also on shift so I know I won't hear from him until tomorrow, that's IF he hasn't flaked and decided he just needs to fade out b/c I'm obviously interested in something more.

 

I'm obviously not asking him to be a boyfriend, there's still a lot to learn about each other, I think it's acceptable to know if he sees anything progressing or if he just sees me as casual sex.

 

My plan was to be unavailable the next time he asks to get together, suggest another night and then suggest an outdoor activity, and then dinner to see where things are kind of going.

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thefooloftheyear
Not necessarily "cold" on the sex. I mean the door is open. What's done is done, and there's no real turning back from here.

 

What I DO want to start doing is just pulling back the "at home" dates. I don't want to set a precedent that I'm always available and that he can just come over to "watch a movie."

 

We were doing the "outdoor" dates for a month, and our last was out to dinner last Thursday evening. I want to just get some activities going and reconnect on a deeper level besides just sex.

 

Haven't heard from him since last night's conversation after I stated I didn't want to go down the "booty call" path. He's also on shift so I know I won't hear from him until tomorrow, that's IF he hasn't flaked and decided he just needs to fade out b/c I'm obviously interested in something more.

 

I'm obviously not asking him to be a boyfriend, there's still a lot to learn about each other, I think it's acceptable to know if he sees anything progressing or if he just sees me as casual sex.

 

My plan was to be unavailable the next time he asks to get together, suggest another night and then suggest an outdoor activity, and then dinner to see where things are kind of going.

 

 

You are doing the right thing...go with your gut. Judging by your postings, you always seem like a very sensible woman..

 

You should be giving advice instead of taking it..;)

 

TFY

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My plan was to be unavailable the next time he asks to get together, suggest another night and then suggest an outdoor activity, and then dinner to see where things are kind of going.

 

That sounds a little complicated. I don't tell a guy I'm unavailable unless I really am.

 

You can certainly suggest another night, but doing it just to make a point or 'just because' may not be entirely fair to him.

 

I'm all on board for suggesting an outdoor activity. If you want to eliminate the $$ factor or concerns some guys have about getting played for expensive dates from a woman they hardly know, perhaps suggest activities that are cheap or free.

 

I don't think insisting on dinner or him spending money on you to 'prove' his interest is the best plan. Just like a guy insisting on having early sex to 'prove' a woman's interest is misguided, IMHO.

 

Part of the reason guys do this is to save money... not necessarily just to get sex. Eliminate the budget reasons, and you will have an easier time sorting out his true intentions, IMHO.

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That sounds a little complicated. I don't tell a guy I'm unavailable unless I really am.

 

You can certainly suggest another night, but doing it just to make a point or 'just because' may not be entirely fair to him.

 

I'm all on board for suggesting an outdoor activity. If you want to eliminate the $$ factor or concerns some guys have about getting played for expensive dates from a woman they hardly know, perhaps suggest activities that are cheap or free.

 

I don't think insisting on dinner or him spending money on you to 'prove' his interest is the best plan. Just like a guy insisting on having early sex to 'prove' a woman's interest is misguided, IMHO.

 

Part of the reason guys do this is to save money... not necessarily just to get sex. Eliminate the budget reasons, and you will have an easier time sorting out his true intentions, IMHO.

 

I'm just a little iffy on how I come off to him. His schedule is really tight on work days, I myself just got laid off. Because I'm always excited to see him next I feel like he's going to get the impression he can snap his fingers and see me, and I'll be there.

 

I've been dating him for about 5-6 weeks now. I've gotten a feel for his schedule, when he's at work he's off the grid. When shift ends he's always there contacting me, asking me to get together. I was getting the impression that he always was eager to see me on his days off. I just don't want to appear too available.

 

But then again he's already gotten the sex so how much more available could I be? Ugh. :rolleyes:

 

He's planned dates, made mention of things he's wanting to do with me, and I was enjoying the pacing of how that was going. It's true when they say sex complicates things! Because now I'm all up in my head thinking he's using me for sex when he very well may not be.

 

He's said some really sweet things to me, plans dates, follows up, etc etc. It was moving slow in the beginning and now that we had sex it seems to like... have a casual vibe to it. I'm assuming it's because I'm a girl and my subconscious reaction is to jump to something more serious.

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somedude81

So I read all of your posts and I have no idea why you think this is a casual thing.

 

Everything screams "relationship."

 

It just looks like the only thing you guys haven't done is "the talk." So next time you seem him, bring it up.

 

And please don't play any fake "I'm not available" games.

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I'm just a little iffy on how I come off to him. His schedule is really tight on work days, I myself just got laid off. Because I'm always excited to see him next I feel like he's going to get the impression he can snap his fingers and see me, and I'll be there.

 

I've been dating him for about 5-6 weeks now. I've gotten a feel for his schedule, when he's at work he's off the grid. When shift ends he's always there contacting me, asking me to get together. I was getting the impression that he always was eager to see me on his days off. I just don't want to appear too available.

 

But then again he's already gotten the sex so how much more available could I be? Ugh. :rolleyes:

 

He's planned dates, made mention of things he's wanting to do with me, and I was enjoying the pacing of how that was going. It's true when they say sex complicates things! Because now I'm all up in my head thinking he's using me for sex when he very well may not be.

 

He's said some really sweet things to me, plans dates, follows up, etc etc. It was moving slow in the beginning and now that we had sex it seems to like... have a casual vibe to it. I'm assuming it's because I'm a girl and my subconscious reaction is to jump to something more serious.

 

I know... it is scary...

 

It really is ok to be excited to see a guy. I never hide that or push it down...

 

Are there other things besides what you posted here to make you feel like he is heading down something more casual? The house 'dates', that was one. That he had to go home after sex is another... but that only happened one time, right?

 

You could tell him that you'd really prefer he make plans to stay overnight after you have sex because you feel more connected that way. I'd recommend you say this in person, because you'll get a sense of where his head is at then.

 

Sure, it doesn't GUARANTEE he isn't heading down the FWB path... However, unless he is a complete a-hole, he won't feel comfortable doing it knowing you are looking for something with more connection if he isn't also feeling that too.

 

Also, the other suggestion to do inexpensive outdoor activities that don't always end in sex... is another.

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katzee,

 

Slow down, take a deep breath, relax.

 

Everything will be fine. :)

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I know... it is scary...

 

It really is ok to be excited to see a guy. I never hide that or push it down...

 

Are there other things besides what you posted here to make you feel like he is heading down something more casual? The house 'dates', that was one. That he had to go home after sex is another... but that only happened one time, right?

 

You could tell him that you'd really prefer he make plans to stay overnight after you have sex because you feel more connected that way. I'd recommend you say this in person, because you'll get a sense of where his head is at then.

 

Sure, it doesn't GUARANTEE he isn't heading down the FWB path... However, unless he is a complete a-hole, he won't feel comfortable doing it knowing you are looking for something with more connection if he isn't also feeling that too.

 

Also, the other suggestion to do inexpensive outdoor activities that don't always end in sex... is another.

 

Him leaving happened once. The other two times we did sleep overs, he told me to stay. We did the whole after cuddle thing.

 

He apologized twice for leaving, he said he was sorry if it came off bad but he had work the next day and needed to do a few things in the morning before work. I understand that, I think that's where my whole "OMG it's casual" came from. Him just leaving.

 

I'm also just not used to dating. I've never done it, so I don't know what's normal, what's acceptable, what's screaming "booty call."

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