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I know I'm not ready to date again yet, but...


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I'm 2 months out of a 3 1/2 year long relationship with an alcoholic man. He's still living here unfortunately. He's got one week to get the most important stuff out of the house before I take back my keys. I know, I know, too long. So it goes. I'm trying to be a nice person here.

 

Anyway, I know that I'm really not ready to be dating yet. This old relationship has been over in my head for probably about 7 or 8 months as it has not been good for a long time for obvious reasons. Needless to say however, who would want to date someone that has this crap to deal with? I'll still have some of his furniture in my house even after another week as he doesn't really have a place of his own yet, but he won't be here. I promised him the time to come move the rest of his junk out whenever he needed it. Again, I'm trying for the amicable break up. As much as it can be, I suppose.

 

I swear that I'm almost at the root of the question... I've promised myself that the next guy I date won't be one that I meet in a bar as somehow so many of them turn out to have problems with alcohol (who knew? ha ha!). Sooo, I went away this weekend to do an activity that I love and met a really nice, cute guy with whom I have a lot in common. He gave me his number as we talked about getting together to do the same activity together at a later time.

 

Now of course this could just be a friend thing, right? I mean, I could be friends with him first to get to know him and then eventually express an interest when the timing is a little better... What do you think? Is he going to think that I'm a schmuck for expressing the idea of exchanging numbers when my situation is complicated right now? I don't feel mentally complicated, it's just that my actual living situation is weird right now.

 

Could he have given me his number as a friend thing because we happened to live in the same city? Or do you only give out your number to people that you may be interested in? That said, how long do I wait to call? God, you can tell that I haven't dated in a while (for 6 years I was unavailable in 2 relationships). I'm in my mid 30s, if this helps. He's close in age as well.

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Hey!

 

Good on you for calling it quits on an unhealthy relationship- all too often, people get stuck in a bad scene more because of inertia than anything, and that is so dangerous. As for the new guy, all I can say is that I'm trying my best to approach situations with the attitude of "it is what it is" and just let it happen. I'd give him a call; whenever you want to, no guidelines or "2 day rules;" don't worry about what to say, just call with the attidude of calling a friend up. In any healthy relationship, friendship is pretty key, so why not start there and just let it happen. But that's just one opinion! :cool:

 

best of luck though

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Thank you so much for the advice! I did totally overthink this.

 

You're right of course, that calling as a friend was and is the best option. Called last night and left a message. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping that he calls back tonight or in the next few days. But you know what, if he doesn't, I'll be totally OK with that. It is cool either way.

 

It'd be great to be friends with him first, especially since I'm really not ready to be dating yet.

 

One last question though: do people give out numbers to other people when they just want to be friends? Or suggest it? I mean, it's not like we're teenagers at this point in our lives. I may sound like one however, asking these questions.

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Originally posted by shamen

Thank you so much for the advice! I did totally overthink this.

 

You're right of course, that calling as a friend was and is the best option. Called last night and left a message. We'll see what happens. I'm hoping that he calls back tonight or in the next few days. But you know what, if he doesn't, I'll be totally OK with that. It is cool either way.

 

It'd be great to be friends with him first, especially since I'm really not ready to be dating yet.

 

One last question though: do people give out numbers to other people when they just want to be friends? Or suggest it? I mean, it's not like we're teenagers at this point in our lives. I may sound like one however, asking these questions.

 

Not a problem at all- I'm just glad that what I said made sense. I'm psyched that you did what you did- I find that life in general works so much better when you approach it from a more laid back kind of attitude. My buddy Brian has skills with this- he's just the zen master sometimes. I would look at it as just a chance to make a new friend, and that's not a bad thing at all. And I'm sure he'll call back- if he doesn't, give him 1 more shot and give him a call.

 

I would say that yeah, people do that, but in this case, I think there's more than that. One bit of advice, though, if you aren't ready to begin dating, but the possibility is there down the road, just let him know you want to take things slowly. Above all, honesty is so key. And hey, getting that teenage feeling is a nice reminder of how great it is to be alive. Rock on wit' yo bad self!

 

;)

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OK... so it's been since Wednesday since I've called and I've gotten no response. Kind of a bummer and to be honest, a little surprising because we had such a great conversation and all. So it goes. Not going to let it worry me too much.

 

But why would someone give out a real phone number and then not call back when they received a phone call? This just doesn't make sense to me.

 

You suggested calling a second time, Paradyme; why should I do this? I mean, he's already ignored the first call. I know, I know, I don't always call back my friends in a timely manner either, so maybe it's too early to tell. But, when it's new, doesn't it seem like I should've received a call by now? This is so silly.

 

Again, I'm not going to stress over this, these are just sort of leftover questions. It's not going to stop me from asking for a good guy's phone number again, or giving mine out when it feels right. Maybe it's just the world's way of reminding me that I shouldn't quite be making new "friends" quite yet...

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Originally posted by shamen

OK... so it's been since Wednesday since I've called and I've gotten no response. Kind of a bummer and to be honest, a little surprising because we had such a great conversation and all. So it goes. Not going to let it worry me too much.

 

But why would someone give out a real phone number and then not call back when they received a phone call? This just doesn't make sense to me.

 

You suggested calling a second time, Paradyme; why should I do this? I mean, he's already ignored the first call. I know, I know, I don't always call back my friends in a timely manner either, so maybe it's too early to tell. But, when it's new, doesn't it seem like I should've received a call by now? This is so silly.

 

Again, I'm not going to stress over this, these are just sort of leftover questions. It's not going to stop me from asking for a good guy's phone number again, or giving mine out when it feels right. Maybe it's just the world's way of reminding me that I shouldn't quite be making new "friends" quite yet...

 

Damn... I'm sorry to hear that. It can be frustrating when you don't know their agenda and all that. I am glad you seem pretty laid back over the issue. If this one's not worth the time, then roll on- his loss. I did suggest calling a second time because of a scenario that I've seen happen- things have been busy, it's been a few days or whatever, and he may be nervous about calling because it's been a few days, or he may have been away, the point is you don't know for sure. I'm a big believer in giving the benefit of the doubt. Rather than play guessing games, I suggest trying one more time. Then you nip it in the bud. Either it's all good or it's not, but you know quicker than if you just hung out and waited, one way or the other.

 

On the last item, only you can know for sure when you are truly ready to move on with new things, but, I suggest taking time to be sure you are where you need to be emotionally in order to carry on in a healthy relationship.

 

but that's just one opinion... ;)

 

best of luck

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Yeah, it's a little stinky that he didn't call back. So it goes, no?

 

OK, I've decided to follow your advice and call one more time. You're right, lots of other things could be the issue. I'm overthinking again, but when? Why am I worrying about all of this stuff? Maybe I'll just wait till this coming Wednesday, as it will have been a week.

 

Oh, just an update on my ex. I told him to leave his keys as he was leaving for several weeks for work. Do you think he left his keys? No. Stupid butthead, he is. I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to change the locks. He promised that he would call before he came over to drop them off. I hope he does as I really don't want this to get ugly.

 

He, of course, is still trying to blame me for the end of the relationship, for giving up on him too soon as he feels that that things are so different for him now and his drinking isn't the same as it was, blah blah blah. I'm so glad that I've finally built up enough courage to not let all this crap that he says to me affect me emotionally anymore.

 

I think that I may be ready to start dating again when all of this waiting around for him to get his stuff out of the house is over. I know that it's going to take him a while to move all of his stuff out as he doesn't even have a place to live yet and that he's been crashing at friends' and family's homes. So, knowing him, I'm probably going to have to put up with his furniture being here until the end of the summer. Ugh.

 

Any suggestions on this part of my situation?

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Originally posted by shamen

Yeah, it's a little stinky that he didn't call back. So it goes, no?

 

OK, I've decided to follow your advice and call one more time. You're right, lots of other things could be the issue. I'm overthinking again, but when? Why am I worrying about all of this stuff? Maybe I'll just wait till this coming Wednesday, as it will have been a week.

 

Oh, just an update on my ex. I told him to leave his keys as he was leaving for several weeks for work. Do you think he left his keys? No. Stupid butthead, he is. I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to change the locks. He promised that he would call before he came over to drop them off. I hope he does as I really don't want this to get ugly.

 

He, of course, is still trying to blame me for the end of the relationship, for giving up on him too soon as he feels that that things are so different for him now and his drinking isn't the same as it was, blah blah blah. I'm so glad that I've finally built up enough courage to not let all this crap that he says to me affect me emotionally anymore.

 

I think that I may be ready to start dating again when all of this waiting around for him to get his stuff out of the house is over. I know that it's going to take him a while to move all of his stuff out as he doesn't even have a place to live yet and that he's been crashing at friends' and family's homes. So, knowing him, I'm probably going to have to put up with his furniture being here until the end of the summer. Ugh.

 

Any suggestions on this part of my situation?

 

My goodness, well, good for you on giving him another shot. If he doesn't call back, well he's got his reasons (they don't necessarily have to be objectively good reasons), but at least you were the better person.

 

Now as for the stupid butthead, I would suggest just changing your locks; my ex tried to drag it out forever when we broke up- living together is complicated if it ruptures. The problem that I see is that he just doesn't want to let go of the situation. Unfortunately, these situations sometimes see things like this happen- they push any button they can to make you hurt too. In any event, if you have decided that it is unhealthy for you to be in that relationship, than giving up is moot- you aren't giving up; you are practicing self-preservation.

 

As for the logistical situation, that unfortunately must be dealt with in its own time. I just hope that it works itself out. What I would suggest is be sure that you have a willing listener who will offer any guidance they can. For my part, if you think I can be helpful, I'd be more than happy to do so (of course I might have issues of my own that could use a friendly ear as well). ;)

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Hey Paradyme: Thanks again for your post. I sent you a pm; I'm not sure that you check those. Just an FYI.

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