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Am I being too sensitive or does he have issues communicating properly?


starrynightz45

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starrynightz45

So far, I've been on 4 dates with this guy. He's been a gentleman, affectionate, and calls or texts me every single day.

 

Yesterday, we went out on another date. Overall it went well.Now, in the past I've been to one of his art shows and ended up staying for a couple hours. He mentioned a few weeks earlier that he was having an art show on Thursday from 7-10pm. During the date, he mentioned the show again. He has a tendency to be blunt and seems to be kind of bad at putting things in a nice way. He said that if I do end up going, I should only stay a few minutes because the gallery was very small and it wouldn't be easy to stand around and chat like last time. I understood at that point, and said sure, that would be fine, I'd stop by.

 

A couple hours later, he brought up the show again. He said one of his friends, who had been out of the country for a couple weeks, wanted to get dinner with him before the show and if they planned to get dinner, he would let me know so I could join them. We could get dinner, and then I could go to the show and again, he repeated that I should stay for a couple minutes. Again, I said that was fine, just let me know about dinner.

 

Today, he sent me a text saying that him and his friend were going to get dinner before the show to "catch up." Assuming that this meant I wasn't to go to dinner with them, I said that was fine, and asked if I should just meet him at the show later on (at this point, I was still not upset).

 

He said "yea, like I said yesterday, just stop by. Bring a friend with u so u guys can get dinner before or after bc otherwise there would be no point for u to come all the way out here by yourself and pay for parking for a couple minutes. I mean I wouldn't do that if I were u haha." (it's about a 20 minute drive by the way)

 

At this point, I got a little annoyed. I mean, I heard him the first 2 times he told me to only stay a couple minute - why does he keep repeating it? He's the one who invited me initially, I didn't invite myself. He sure sounds like he doesn't want me there, right?

 

So I responded: Ok I'll c if a friend can come. Thats fine, I won't stay long lol. I can make the next one if its inconvenient

 

Him: No no im not trying to discourage you. I can see how it sounded like that. I don't mind if you hang out for a little

Me: I'll let u know about it tomorrow

Him: Are we cool though?

I didn't respond for an hour and he texted again:

Him: =(

Me: yes we're cool. I'll c if a friend can make it

Him: Ok, I hope one is.

 

Is this guy just socially inept? Why is he so adamant about me not staying? I'm not stupid, I heard and accepted his initial explanation that the space was small. So why keep repeating it? I've decided I'm not going to the show, but what should I tell him tomorrow? And am I right to be upset?

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InsaneTrombone

As a guy, I'd be a bit confused and annoyed at this. Reading it made me annoyed. I don't think you're being too sensitive.

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starrynightz45
As a guy, I'd be a bit confused and annoyed at this. Reading it made me annoyed. I don't think you're being too sensitive.

 

Thanks, I REALLY appreciate hearing that, especially from a guy. I do tend to be a little on the sensitive side in general so I was unsure if my annoyance was a bit of an overreaction.

 

I'm pretty solid on my decision to not go to the show, but I'm unsure what to tell him tomorrow. I don't really want to say I couldn't find a friend to go with me or something lame like that. But I also don't want to start an argument.

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undergroundlife13

Honestly its kind of weird he would only want you to stay a couple minutes. You should be able to stay as long as you like..

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SoulJazzBlues

What a strange thing to keep repeating. You heard him loud and clear the first time.

 

Also, just because he can't talk to you understandably, what makes him think you wouldn't meet people there to hang out with? Personally, I'd be annoyed at his presumption that you couldn't be fine without him.

 

OP. I support your decision not to go. He sounds so off putting.

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starrynightz45
Honestly its kind of weird he would only want you to stay a couple minutes. You should be able to stay as long as you like..

 

 

Exactly. Even if it is a small space. If it were me, I would be excited to have him come look at my art. I would want him to stay. And besides, if he's not running the thing what's it to him how long I stay.

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starrynightz45
What a strange thing to keep repeating. You heard him loud and clear the first time.

 

Also, just because he can't talk to you understandably, what makes him think you wouldn't meet people there to hang out with? Personally, I'd be annoyed at his presumption that you couldn't be fine without him.

 

OP. I support your decision not to go. He sounds so off putting.

 

Exactly! The last time, I stayed a couple hours and chatted with him because there were hardly any people at the show and it was a very large venue. So, I didn't think I was being a bother by staying so long since he was standing around doing nothing anyways (it was an open bar the last time, and many people were really drunk, not paying any attention at all to the art).

 

Obviously, I wasn't planning on doing the same thing this time and even if that had been my plan, I think his first 2 mentions made it clear. I'm actually pretty annoyed/upset at this point.

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starrynightz45

I just don't want to come off whiny/annoying/dramatic with what I tell him tomorrow.

 

What do you guys think is a good way to tell him I won't be going???

 

I don't want to say "Hey I couldn't find anyone to come with me so I won't be there" but I also don't want to come off as a drama queen. He really seems not to understand how his communication comes off. This isn't even the first time he's come off as sort of rude with his statements without seeming to realize it. It's sort of turning me off.

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SoulJazzBlues

Something like

 

"Hey! All the best tomorrow night but I won't be able to make it. Break a leg though :)".

 

You can add "we can catch up another time hopefully" etc.

 

I don't think you owe him an explanation after 4 dates.

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starrynightz45
Something like

 

"Hey! All the best tomorrow night but I won't be able to make it. Break a leg though :)".

 

You can add "we can catch up another time hopefully" etc.

 

I don't think you owe him an explanation after 4 dates.

 

It's just that we've been on 4 dates, but have been friends for almost a year. We go to the same very small grad school and see one another regularly. I guess I just don't want to make it awkward until I figure out if I want to continue seeing him or not.

 

Thanks for your time + advice. It's all appreciated (that goes for everyone who posted so far)

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Wtf? Are you allowed like 8-815 before his next date arrives at 830 or something? What a tool who the hell goes on about their date leaving after a few minutes. What if you get there and want to stay, is he gonna carry you out he door? Geez.

 

I'd tell him "you've really turned me off with all this talk about me only staying a few minutes. I don't get why you are insistant on that, I'm not coming."

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It's just that we've been on 4 dates, but have been friends for almost a year. We go to the same very small grad school and see one another regularly. I guess I just don't want to make it awkward until I figure out if I want to continue seeing him or not.

 

Thanks for your time + advice. It's all appreciated (that goes for everyone who posted so far)

 

I reread your OP... he mentioned it, but he didn't ask you.

 

This is his way of finding out if YOU want to go and how available you are (great for his ego) without actually committing to that time with you.

 

So don't show up if you don't want to go. No text required. If he asks you about it, tell him you didn't think you were invited and the artwork not compelling enough to make a special trip.

 

oh, and in the future... never knock yourself out for anyone whose interest is as tepid as this guy's. Here is the key phrase "I don't mind if you hang out a little". He doesn't "mind"?? Seriously??

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undergroundlife13

Sounds suspicious, maybe he has another "date" attending? The fact he keeps bringing this up means he does not want you there long. Its very strange, Id tell him "Im not going because it seems odd to me that you are so insistant that i stay only a couple minutes. Have a good one"

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Odds are he is expecting another woman he has interest in to be there or hopes may be there.

 

UNLESS, he is concerned you would be with him the whole time and whether and how to introduce you to others (my GF, my friend, just your name, any of which he knows could offend if yout took it the wrong way... he may not be ready to have the "what are we" convo with you or others.). There's a chance it's that and he is just a little socially insecure.

 

But odds of the former are a bit higher. Would go, stay the whole time, but distant for the most part, and observe subtly. A great learning opportunity to gauge what sort of guy this is. He is being rudely presumptuous that you would hang on him the whole time and not socialize on your own unless you have given him some reason to feel that way, which you haven't indicated in your post.

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He sounds socially inept or just plain awkward.

 

I'd run for the hills but it depends on how much importance you put on social skills.

 

I'm a very social person so this would be a deal breaker for me.

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starrynightz45
Sounds suspicious, maybe he has another "date" attending? The fact he keeps bringing this up means he does not want you there long. Its very strange, Id tell him "Im not going because it seems odd to me that you are so insistant that i stay only a couple minutes. Have a good one"

 

According to him the gallery space is very small so it would be uncomfortable/blocking the artwork if many people are there standing around. But the issue is, that I heard him loud and clear the first time he told me.

 

As for another woman, it's possible though I don't get that vibe from him.

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undergroundlife13

I get that its small, but that shouldnt matter if hes truly interested. Its small but he wants you to bring a friend? This all is a giant red flag, you are setting yourself up to be hurt. I also read your backstory, stay away! Hes waayy to casual about things, just as my ex was. Had i walked away in the beginning i would have spared myself from this ultimate heartbreak :/

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starrynightz45
Odds are he is expecting another woman he has interest in to be there or hopes may be there.

 

UNLESS, he is concerned you would be with him the whole time and whether and how to introduce you to others (my GF, my friend, just your name, any of which he knows could offend if yout took it the wrong way... he may not be ready to have the "what are we" convo with you or others.). There's a chance it's that and he is just a little socially insecure.

 

But odds of the former are a bit higher. Would go, stay the whole time, but distant for the most part, and observe subtly. A great learning opportunity to gauge what sort of guy this is. He is being rudely presumptuous that you would hang on him the whole time and not socialize on your own unless you have given him some reason to feel that way, which you haven't indicated in your post.

 

I don't know if I should really go and stay the whole time in such an apparently small place to keep an eye on him, especially when he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want me there long. Well, like I said, at the last show I stayed for 2 hours and was with him the entire time talking, but again - the show was an open bar so the vast majority of attendees were drunk and not paying attention to the artwork. He had just been standing around doing nothing before I got there. I was not planning on doing the same this time.

 

Even if I had been planning to do the same, his first mention of me not staying long was clear enough. Ugh. Frustrating.

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I have to agree with everyone else: reading this just annoyed me, and it seems shady.

 

The answer to your question is that you're not being over sensitive. I'm even worse than you and I'd probably ask the guy what his deal is. :rolleyes:

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colombiana28

wow!!! how annoying. even if he was spectacular in every other way, I would seriously consider ending it. just...weird. I mean if you want to deal with that for the duration of a relationship, it's your choice...

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Why does he get to stay the whole time if its sooo small? Is there a time limit for everyone or just you? He sounds stupid, seriously.

 

Eta...Ohhh it's HIS art work? Guess that explains why he stays lol. But seriously is everyone else on a "you got ten minutes then you're out" schedule.

 

Ugh. He still sounds awful.

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starrynightz45

UPDATE

Well, I sent him a text saying I had other plans and wouldn't be making it.

 

Him: Ok well if your plans fall through you could always stop by for a bit if you want.

Me: Oh well thank you but honestly I was kind of unsure whether it was really ok for me to come or not. Plus with all the driving/parking etc I think I'll just try to make it to the next one. But good luck and let me know how it goes.

Him: I'm sorry about that my fault. Oh of course it is. But I was just trying to give you an idea of the scenario. Yea thats why I was trying to get at. So up to you. I will thanks.

 

....?

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He's too weird. What a load of baloney. I mean he's basically saying "lol sorry I am just a mental midget. I tell you things 14 times cause that's how many times I have to hear them til I get it. But yeah swing by if you want. Idc. Btw, 15 min max, can't remember if I mentioned that. Lmk."

 

Forget him.

What a spaz.

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