confused- distant boyfriend hasn't broken up with me yet. hmmm...

[katastrophic]

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 months now. things haven't been bad, just... blah. the first moth or so was briliant- we talked a lot, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. get this- he even said that his goal each day was to make me smile, laugh, and sigh at least once. then, it all just kind of stopped. i know he's never been a big talker, but quite a few times he didn't call when he said he would. everyonce in a while now, he'll hold my hand, or kiss me, but we haven't fooled around in a month, and haven't had sex in two- which is by no means my choice.

 

also, i'm afraid to talk to him about it, because i'm not so sure how he'll react. i mostly feel like he would pretend like everything is ok, even if it isn't, and then act like nothing had happened. either that, or think i'm being needy and just end things.

 

i think the former notion comes from the fact that i'm not always sure he's telling me the truth. i almost always know when someone is lying to me, and i seem to get it everyonce in a while when he's telling me what he's doing, or did. i don't understand why he'd lie about that, unless he's cheating. in that case, would he really try and stay in a relationship that isn't going that well?

 

the other problem is that this icky feeling in my gut isn't constant. its almost a every-other week type thing. not that things are wonderful every other week, but i don't seem as upset those times.

 

i understand that some of it could be my fault. i tried to say something- told him that we needed to talk the next day- but i never grew the balls to do it. but then again, he never brought it up again, either. i did call him and tell him i wanted to talk to him tonight, so we'll see how that goes. i was just wondering if anyone had any ideas as to whats going on in his head, or and ideas for me as to how to deal with a guy who's kind of distant.

 

thanks in advance!

[HT_Nut]

I'll take a stab at this. :-)

 

Being a guy, my personal feel is that he's hit a wall. Some guys go into relationships full force and just climb to the top of a mountain. Others, get to the top of the mountain by climbing to a plateau, hanging there for a while; then, when he's comfortable; climb some more. While he's on a plateau, he's checking his emotions, watching who he's with, and just pretty much letting where he is just soak in. Once he's cool with that, he'll climb some more.

 

Of course, I could "maybe" this to death and still not give you a clue how to handle it if this is what it is.

 

It may drive you nuts by you trying to figure out what is going on in his head. The best thing you can do is express your needs and feelings. Not in an accusitory manner though...that's a sure way to send him packing! I would suggest the infamous "I" statements. I.E.

 

I feel..........................

 

I feel an emptiness when we go a long time without being initmate.

 

I miss your humor and ability to make me laugh...is there something on your mind that I can help you ease?

 

I really like the way you...........................

 

I really like the way your grab my hand for no apparant reason

 

I really like the way you just kiss me.

 

You get the drift I think. In a situation like this, I would stay way away from anything that would point the finger straight at him. In other words, never say.... You never___________ anymore. You're always distant now.

 

Just be straight up with him on how YOU are feeling. Let him draw his own conclusions and remedy what you are missing from him. If he cares enough, he'll be prompted to start climbing the mountain again. If he doesn't; well.....isn't that something you would rather know now, rather than a year from now?

 

Danny

[dlb311]

Had the same sorta thing happen twice to me in the last two months.

I would definitly talk to him. If you are unhappy which you must be or you wouldn't be here. You should deffinitly talk to him and if he thinks that he is doing nothing wrong then walk away. You keep blaming yourself. The only thing you can blame yourself for is that you are keeping yourself in a unhealthy relationship. People need to talk and only after one month you stopped having sex. No that isn't right. You need to talk to him and listen with your brain not your heart. Because you will be able to tell if he is pulling your leg. I had a 2 1/2 year relationship and most of the time we were having sex three times a day. That is alot most couples aren't like that. But I was so in love. And I think he was too. We broke up because he felt like he was to young to get tied down. I gave him another chance because he said he made a big mistake and even though he is young he knows I am the one. Then 3 months later we broke up again. He was treating me like crap and he again was feeling like the boyz were having fun he couldn't have. Now he wants me back to bad so sad. I would never take him back. But anyway that is what I am saying you need to talk to him.

You should write down all the things that you are wondering and that are bothering you. Don't be afraid..because the only thing that will happen from not talking to him is that you will have a unhealthy unhappy relationship. In a relationship you are suppose to be best friends. They are there for you in good and bad. If he can't understand where you are coming from then he isn't good for you anyway. If you feel this way and he doesn't understand maybe he is just going through something then he will confort you. If he gets upset. Walk away he is cheating or just not interested anymore.

Some guys will make the other person miserable so they don't look like that bad guy. You will end up cutting it off.

All the advice I would give is talk to him and hold nothing back. If you can't talk to this guy then you really have nothing. listen to your intution its usually right.

Good Luck!

[katastrophic]

thanks for the help guys. i appreciate it, but it doesn't matter now- we broke up yesterday. it was amicable, so that's good. it just still sucks.

[simplybrill]

WOW ---- I definitely know that icky feeling, believe me! I thought I was crazy, until I read your post!

 

Yup im 3 months in here too, and he's doing the whole distant, jerky thing too. He says there's nothing wrong when I ask him, yet he's always distracted. I dont like pulling information out of people. When we're out he's always "on." Know what I mean? I used to be like that when I was 16 man, we're almost out of college now, whats up???

Maybe that stems from the fact that he was popular in hs (high school), and thats the way he knows how to deal with social situations...but like I told him, hs is OVER.

[PlentyLV007]

Okay I'm gonna be honest here....I know most of us can go on this whole denial trip....and don't really want to see the truth...because you think well maybe it's not this way....ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING! If you feel him being a certain way...don't wait too long. If you do it starts messing with your head then it gives him more time to think about it. So...I'm sorry that you guys broke up....I'm sorry that you are hurting and stuff but at least he didn't wait too long to tell you. You should just appreciate that he had enough honesty and courage to tell you. So now you know for next time. Remember every relationship is a stepping stone to the next best thing!!!