Girlfriend wants a baby im freaking out

[fernendo]

Me and my girlfriend have been together approximately 3.5 years She is 32 Im 27. During this time she has had a very serious back injury which has made her pretty much wheelchair bound (she can walk small distances) due to this

she has put on a lot of weight which has made me less attracted to her physically.

 

She has also suffered understandably from serious depression and self harm due to her chronic back pain.

 

We do still have sex sometimes when her back isn't too sore and we both enjoy kissing cuddling etc. We both love each other a lot and rarely argue and when we do its short lived. We both trust each other 100%

 

We share a lot of the same life goals such as shunning consumerism, shunning TV, being as self sufficient as possible, enjoying the simple things life has to offer etc. These qualities are very important to me and are hard to find in a girl as most these days seem to be hypnotised with consumerism and other meaningless pursuits.

 

She looks after her niece really well even though it makes her sore and tired. She only does 1 day at a time I'm not sure how she would cope with looking after the child longer. She has great maternal instinct.

 

 

She has a really stong desire for a baby *really* strong. This has freaked me out. I have the following worries:-

 

@ What if her depression comes back really bad.

 

@ What if the strain of having children and her serious injury / mental health problems breaks us up.

 

@ What if the medicine she is on adversely effects the baby?

 

@ What is having a baby makes her back much worse?

 

@ Sometimes I fantasise about other girls a lot what if I get too sexually frustrated due to her change in appearance, lack of ability to have regular sex due to her injury and the fact that I will only have 1 sex partner my whole life? Do these feeling go away when you become a parent?

 

@ She is the only girl I have ever been with and I worry that I won't feel fulfilled with having just 1 sex partner my whole life.

 

@ What if we decide to break up instead of having a baby and I regret having lost such a great, loving and trusting relationship.

 

@ Breaking up with her would absolutely destroy us both. We both had pretty miserable lives before we met and fell in love.

 

@ The idea of having a baby and being responsible for it my whole life terrifies me but at the same time the idea of being afraid to do it and wasting my life living in fear terrifies me also. I believe the country I live in will soon be hit a huge economic collapse and the idea of "moving out to the sticks" and being self sufficient with her is really tempting if I don't find someone to be self sufficient with soon the collapse will hit and it will be too late. I can't do it on my own as I would be far too lonely.

 

I'm going to arrange relationship counselling to try and resolve these issues but there is a long wait for it and I wondered what you people think I should do? Im agonising over this decision I keep thinking I will do it then changing my mind over and over again. I'm stressed, tired and depressed trying to figure this out.

[fernendo]

She told me when she was coming off the pill so we use condoms. Why do you think she is unfit to be a mother? She is great at taking care of children.

[fernendo]

So disabled people / people with a history of depression should never be allowed to have children ever? Her sister in law also had serious depression and is turning out to be a great mum.

 

Maybe im just blind to the seriousness of the problem because I love her.

 

Her family really want her to have a child if she was that bad then surely they wouldn't? I dont mean to argue with you im just trying to figure this out.

[soccerrprp]

I don't understand why this a conundrum. Your original post is littered with red flags about the prospect of having a child with this woman. Riddled with ONLY uncertainty. You and especially your GF need to have a serious discussion about this. Lay down the cards and discuss the pros and seemingly, the many cons to having a baby right now.

 

You also need to consider what type of environment you will be brining the child into. Is that child going to have the best that the two of you can offer? Support, continuity, consistency, love, stability, affection....this is not only about you and your gf.

 

Are you going to have help for your GF when you are working? Many things to consider here.

 

You questioning whether you'll look for sex elsewhere is a no-brainer RED flag. Are you even going to be committed to helping take care of a child? Way too many red flags to selfishly consider having a baby.

 

Good luck, but you two have a lot of soul searching to do before thinking about having a baby, no?

[fernendo]

We would definately get a lot of support from lots of nearby family. Yes I do have a bit of grass is greener syndrome but is this just me making excuses / rationalising in order to avoid a massive lifestyle change?

 

I know I would be very commited to a child which is why I want to deal with any and all possible issues before hand.

 

I know the child would have a very loving and caring environment from both his / her parents, grandparents anties and uncles etc

 

Its hard to have a pros and cons discussion with my GF as she has baby fever so bad she can't see any downsides.

Edited May 29, 2013 by fernendo

[MrRightNow]

She is the only girl I have ever been with and I worry that I won't feel fulfilled with having just 1 sex partner my whole life.

 

This is the main reason you shouldn't have a kid. You've been with her for several years and you're still not sure you want to spend your life with her. You also say you're not that attracted to her. These doubts are unlikely to go away, in my opinion.

[fernendo]

This is the main reason you shouldn't have a kid. You've been with her for several years and you're still not sure you want to spend your life with her. You also say you're not that attracted to her. These doubts are unlikely to go away, in my opinion.

 

But I was sure that I wanted to spend my life with her until the subject of kids came up. I'm worried im making excuses because im afraid of commitment. Yes my attraction has been effected but thats normal when the "lust" period of a relationship ends right?

 

What if we do break up and I get into another relationship and when the subject of having kids comes up I again find some reason not to do it out of the same fear of commitment.

 

We are going to get relationship counselling do you think this is a good idea or a waste of time?

[MrRightNow]

Yes, the "lust" period always ends. But the problem with you is that you've only been with one woman. I think part of you will always feel like you missed out on something. I don't know much about relationship counseling, but I think it might give you a better idea of where you both stand.

[kassy]

Has she talked to a doctor about the reality of her having a baby? What it may mean physically and in terms of her drugs? And mentally? If you are considering this you must both go and have this conversation with her relevant doctors so you know what you are possibly getting into.

 

I have a medical problem (won't go into it). I know from talking to my surgeons that if I decide to have my own children someday my body may struggle. Ideally we will assess my physical condition if and when I get to that point. It may be decided that if I attempt to carry a baby to term I may have to be in a wheelchair and other restrictions to try and limit the damage etc etc. I was recommended to consider adoption as potentially better route for me physically.

 

Would adoption be something she would consider? It may remove a number of her potential problems and your concerns?

 

Regardless of her views on adoption she needs to talk to her doctors about the reality of her having a baby with her constraints. It may not be a problem and ease your concerns. Or they may make her stop living in fantasy land. (Obviously I hope they say its fine for her)

 

However, I think you are too young and need to go live a little. Date other women etc etc

[ltjg45]

We are going to get relationship counselling do you think this is a good idea or a waste of time?

 

Personally, it's a waste of time. You aren't really attracted to her, you are afraid of giving her a child, and you are coming up with almost every excuse to justify staying in this relationship, which is the one thing you shouldn't be doing.

 

Never mind the fact that she has her own issues thrown into this mess and the last thing you want is to give her a child and she takes advantage of both the child and you as a result of it. It doesn't take much for her to change and you will really end up regretting it big time if that happens.

 

Making a child is a HUGE commitment and it is not one to be taken lightly.

 

The main issue here is that she wants a child no matter what her conditions is and you came to the conclusion that it is not a wise idea for either you or her.

 

If she does want a child that bad, just make sure you are not the one helping to birth it. You don't want that on your back.

[dreamingoftigers]

Because of this.

 

Oh she's disabled and their MIGHT be some concerns. All of the "ifs" disqualify her from being a parent.

[dreamingoftigers]

But I was sure that I wanted to spend my life with her until the subject of kids came up. I'm worried im making excuses because im afraid of commitment. Yes my attraction has been effected but thats normal when the "lust" period of a relationship ends right?

 

What if we do break up and I get into another relationship and when the subject of having kids comes up I again find some reason not to do it out of the same fear of commitment.

 

We are going to get relationship counselling do you think this is a good idea or a waste of time?

 

You care for her immensely, you have some concerns about her health and physical state, and you have a lot of anxiety etc. about her wanting a child.

 

Yes, go to counseling!

 

You do talk about her in kind terms. Not resentful, throw her under the bus terms, which is great. So many relationships come onto Loveshack as pre-made disasters.

 

You have already pulled through a major injury and setback.

 

No matter who your life-partner is, there will always be something. And there are no guarantees that you or anyone you date will not have a serious injury in the future.

 

It seems like you are a dedicated guy and that you are quite attached to her (physical attraction issues notwithstanding) it would be pretty crappy to toss all of that out over anxiety over her wanting a baby if it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker.

 

Best of luck.

[fernendo]

You care for her immensely, you have some concerns about her health and physical state, and you have a lot of anxiety etc. about her wanting a child.

 

Yes, go to counseling!

 

You do talk about her in kind terms. Not resentful, throw her under the bus terms, which is great. So many relationships come onto Loveshack as pre-made disasters.

 

You have already pulled through a major injury and setback.

 

No matter who your life-partner is, there will always be something. And there are no guarantees that you or anyone you date will not have a serious injury in the future.

 

It seems like you are a dedicated guy and that you are quite attached to her (physical attraction issues notwithstanding) it would be pretty crappy to toss all of that out over anxiety over her wanting a baby if it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thanks to you and everyone else for your advise. Yes I do care for her immensely and think we could potentially live very happy lives together. I think of us as soul mates.

 

I think for her the issue of having a baby is a dealbreaker she says she has such an overpowering urge to do it. One minue she talks about really wanting a baby the next minute she is depressed because she has one of them horrible, degrading atos benefit assessments (anyone whos disabled probably knows what I mean)

 

I'm a bit worried about speaking to a dr. about the details etc as I don't want her to think that we are planning to definately have a baby soon and build false hopes for her if that makes sense. I think maybe we should try counselling first and maybe go from there to a dr. appointment about practicalities etc.

[GorillaTheater]

How about you? Are you ready to be a dad?

 

It's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do, but it will turn your life upside down. Are you prepared for that journey?

[CptSaveAho]

You are so screwed and you dont even know it...

 

I wish there was a way to show you how screwed you are but you said the word soulmates in your last response and every girl thats 30+ in this forum wishes they had a guy like you (this is not a good thing)

 

Its apparent you haven't dated around

[fernendo]

You are so screwed and you dont even know it...

 

I wish there was a way to show you how screwed you are but you said the word soulmates in your last response and every girl thats 30+ in this forum wishes they had a guy like you (this is not a good thing)

 

Its apparent you haven't dated around

 

Can you elaborate on this please?

[fernendo]

How about you? Are you ready to be a dad?

 

It's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do, but it will turn your life upside down. Are you prepared for that journey?

 

I don't know I feel like at my age I should be?

[MrRightNow]

I don't know I feel like at my age I should be?

 

Not necessarily. I'm around your age and I'm nowhere near ready.

[crederer]

It depends on the severity of her depression, but many women that are depressed aren't emotionally capable of properly raising a child. Also, post partem (sp?) is some real serious stuff and depressed women are more likely to experience it, I believe (according to my family doctor).

[pteromom]

First order of business - determine if you really want to be with her long-term. Are you OK with a friendship-based relationship that lacks true passion and lust? Will you be OK to never have really hot sex with someone you can't get enough of? The answer might be YES, and if it is, that's ok. Everyone prioritizes passion and sex differently.

 

If the answer is yes, then you and she need to address the options of having a baby. Because she should be a mom if it is something she truly wants. As you said, you have lots of help available to you. Some of your "what if"s may be valid, but you don't know yet.

 

She needs to see a doctor who specializes in high-risk and difficult pregnancies. She should bring her medical records. She needs to find out if it is wise to carry a pregnancy, and if the pregnancy would have a detrimental effect on her health.

 

If pregnancy isn't the best option, you should look into adoption or foster-to-adopt.

 

You can make this happen, but first the main question has to be answered - is this the life you want for yourself?

[Eggplant]

Break up with her ASAP so she has time to find a man who wants to be a parent, or at least a sperm donor.

[dreamingoftigers]

If not for a disability that renders one unable to walk more than a small distance, a history of severe depression including automatulation what exactly does disqualify someone as far as being a parent?

 

Being a serial killer? Schizophrenic? Paralyzed from the neck down?

 

Get real, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Get Real yourself!

 

There are plenty of physically disabled parents in the world. And with some supports, which she already has, there is no disqualifier.

 

Of course she had a history of depression: she injured her effing back! Talk about depressing. And yes, if she has had the proper coping skills in place since the MDE, there shouldn't be an overarching issue, plus PPD is not specifically linked to any other mental health history.

 

By the way, welcome to the 21st century. If everyone with a significant history of short-term mental health crises wasn't allowed to have kids, 90% of the population wouldn't be here! Do you really think that 90%+ of parents are unqualified?

 

Plus, schizophrenics do have relationships and children and etc etc etc. If the degree is not too severe and properly medicated, YOU can't even TELL who is schizophrenic. Ridiculous.

 

Serial killer.....yes, I would say that person should avoid having children. Severe abuse issues and temper control issues? Don't have kids.

Drug and/or alcohol addiction? Get help, heal, by sober and confident of not relapsing before having kids.

 

Don't know how to parent? Learn.

 

During my younger years I worked with disabled individuals and their families. I have two disabled siblings myself (neither of them would make the parenting or even the getting married cut, unfortunately). But plenty of those families and parents were better and more empathetic parents to their children then the average folks out there. They generally knew what true gratitude was. And yes, one of them was paralyzed from the neck down. Her accident happened when her daughter was three months old. She did phone work from home and her husband would pick her up like a White Knight every night he came home. What a great family.

 

Sad how people expect more functionality from the family dog then they do from someone with a disability.

 

Obviously his gf's case is not the same as the woman here, but nonetheless, very few people would have expected such confidence and achievement from someone disabled.

 

Aimee Mullins: It's not fair having 12 pairs of legs | Video on TED.com

 

Successful people find a way to make things happen for themselves. Not reasons that they can't.

[amaysngrace]

Follow your heart a little but trust your gut a lot.

 

And do what is best for YOU. It's your life and you only have one.

[CherryT]

Wow, reading your original post there's a lot to digest here.

 

This is where I think you need to start:

 

1) Is she "THE one" for you? Sounds cliche, but it's important. You need to think hard about this... whether you will be OK being with no one else. I would not mind if my BF was the only one I've ever been with, I love him so much that I am not even remotely interested in anyone else. He meets all my needs: Emotionally, physically, spiritually. We have similar parenting styles and how we want to raise our future children. etc. He makes me laugh and encourages me to be better than what I think I am. I always feel like I make him extremely proud. and he is a wonderful partner in all aspects of my life.

 

2) If you establish that she is the love of your life and that you don't want anyone else but her, then you can think about the kids. It's great that you're concerned about her health and whether she would be up for it... I would go see a medical specialist that can help you determine if this is the right time for her or if she needs to wait.

 

- Btw, people with depression can live a normal life when they start to learn how to treat it (without medication). People who look at me probably would never guessed that I suffered from depression in the past. I also went through an accident and am completely fine now. But for awhile, I had trouble with mobility. In the last few years, I've started a very successful business, invested in some great real estate, and am completely self-sufficient.

 

- Will her back ever get better? Perhaps she should look into physio or ways for her to start being more mobile. Also a little support goes a long way... even though she may have problems being mobile, if you can get her mental health and spirit up, she can be a very productive person. And if she believes in herself, she can improve her situation and maybe be more mobile. Once she starts taking those steps to getting stronger physically, you can do fun things like going for romantic walks together. It will improve her mental and physical health.

 

3) Don't expect a child to change things... in fact, they'll probably make you more stressed because your baby will need you more than anyone else will ever need you.

Edited May 30, 2013 by CherryT

[shexy]

Your list of concerns is very long....it's up to you, but I would NOT recommend having a baby together. First off, you said you're not even attracted to her anymore. Maybe you're wonderful friends and have a lot in common, but that's different than being in love.

 

OK, so she wants a baby, if you don't - do NOT have a baby with her. It's as simple as that. You're obviously not ready.