She said doesn't want to get hurt or hurt me

[silvteg98]

I've been going out with my coworker for 5 weeks now. She's 21 and im 23.

We just went to dinner the first time, nothing happened. The next day she told me that she would like to continue to go out and get to know me better but that she was a bit scared to put herself and her feelings out there. At the end of the second date is when we started kissing.

 

We go out on a a few more dates and everything is going great. At this point I'm thinking she's really into me and I could see this progressing into a relationship.

 

We go out on May 18th and everything went great. After i drop her off she texts me "just wanted to let you know that I really like spending time with you and dont want you to think just cause i dont stand close to you, hold your hand, or kiss you that im not enjoying my time with you. Im just holding myself back because I dont want to get hurt." I never got the impression that she wasnt enjoying herself and didnt really think much about the other things she mentioned because shes always receptive and seems to enjoy the moments. I called her when I got home and told her that I completely understand and that I would never hurt her. No biggie

 

On saturday, I took her to two of my friends graduation parties. Like at all the other dates, everything went great. On the way to drop her off she brought up the topic again. She started talking about how last summer she was all in for a guy and he ended up in a relationship with someone else which really hurt her. She goes on to say that doesnt know if she willing to take a risk because she doesnt want to end up getting hurt again. Also, she said she doesnt want to hurt me. We talked about the topic for like an hour and even she said that she liked me. I asked her if she wanted to continue to go out and she said yeah. She says shes trying to let go of her past but its hard. If it means anything, she did say throughout the conversation that she was probably just over thinking things.

 

What really concerned and confused the hell out of me was when she said she didnt even know if she could kiss me that night. I asked her if I could kiss her before she went in and she basically said no. We just hugged. The next day everything seemed normal again.

 

I really like this girl and want our relationship to progress but now I dont know how to deal with the situation. The fact that she said that she doesnt want to hurt me and that she didnt allow me to kiss her on saturday gives me the impression that maybe she really not that into me and is letting me down easy. But then again, things still seem the same since she continues to text me from sunrise to sunset and agrees to go out on thursday after work. Also, it's not always me who initiates communication. Should I ask her if shes really not that into me and doesnt see this going anywhere? Do you guys think she is being honest and does like me? Im confused and dont know who to deal with it.

Edited May 28, 2013 by silvteg98

[Treasa]

Anyone who's talking this much about hurting or getting hurt this early (or at all) is someone not worth the effort.

 

Politely tell her that when she lets go of her baggage, she can give you a call.

[soccerrprp]

Anyone who's talking this much about hurting or getting hurt this early (or at all) is someone not worth the effort.

 

Politely tell her that when she lets go of her baggage, she can give you a call.

 

 

I agree. It certainly sounds like she needs some time to figure out if she wants another relationship or not. When she's clearer, more secure, she should contact you again.

 

Good luck, OP.

[MidwestUSA]

Àgree with the two above. You're in position to be a rebound for her if you're not careful. Good luck!

[Eddie Edirol]

Yep, youre a rebound, and she is lying to you about everything. She doesnt want to touch or hold hands or hug because she still wants to kiss her ex. I think she is still holding a torch for a guy that dumped her, and she is trying to move on but you arent helping her forget about her ex. She doesnt want you to get attached to her while she knows shes still attached to her ex. I think you need to let this one go. Let her call you when she gets over her ex and can see clearer.

 

When you go out with people, you always have to beware of their motives and why they are single, things like:

Dumpees

crackpots

mental instability

 

Gotta see the signs before investing too much time. Dont give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

[silvteg98]

Interesting comments. I never thought of myself being just a rebound. She did say she was never with him, got over him, and now laughs about it.

 

I think I'm going to have to talk about it with her on thursday and ask her what is it that we have going on, if shes willing to take a risk, and if she sees it going anywhere. If not I think im going to have to bail, as much as it will hurt, and tell her to let me know when she's ready.

Edited May 28, 2013 by silvteg98

[daisybuchanan55]

Haha, no offense, she sounds cray cray. Get off that train before it's too late. She's nuts!

[silvteg98]

You guys may be right. If so, I wish she would've just told me on saturday that see didnt see a future between us. She keeps giving me hope though. She's been the one texting me first with the good morning texts since saturday. She told me that she told some of her family members she was going out with me. She told one of our co-workers. Maybe im just making excuses to linger around.

[paigej91]

I've been going out with my coworker for 5 weeks now. She's 21 and im 23.

We just went to dinner the first time, nothing happened. The next day she told me that she would like to continue to go out and get to know me better but that she was a bit scared to put herself and her feelings out there. At the end of the second date is when we started kissing.

 

We go out on a a few more dates and everything is going great. At this point I'm thinking she's really into me and I could see this progressing into a relationship.

 

We go out on May 18th and everything went great. After i drop her off she texts me "just wanted to let you know that I really like spending time with you and dont want you to think just cause i dont stand close to you, hold your hand, or kiss you that im not enjoying my time with you. Im just holding myself back because I dont want to get hurt." I never got the impression that she wasnt enjoying herself and didnt really think much about the other things she mentioned because shes always receptive and seems to enjoy the moments. I called her when I got home and told her that I completely understand and that I would never hurt her. No biggie

 

On saturday, I took her to two of my friends graduation parties. Like at all the other dates, everything went great. On the way to drop her off she brought up the topic again. She started talking about how last summer she was all in for a guy and he ended up in a relationship with someone else which really hurt her. She goes on to say that doesnt know if she willing to take a risk because she doesnt want to end up getting hurt again. Also, she said she doesnt want to hurt me. We talked about the topic for like an hour and even she said that she liked me. I asked her if she wanted to continue to go out and she said yeah. She says shes trying to let go of her past but its hard. If it means anything, she did say throughout the conversation that she was probably just over thinking things.

 

What really concerned and confused the hell out of me was when she said she didnt even know if she could kiss me that night. I asked her if I could kiss her before she went in and she basically said no. We just hugged. The next day everything seemed normal again.

 

I really like this girl and want our relationship to progress but now I dont know how to deal with the situation. The fact that she said that she doesnt want to hurt me and that she didnt allow me to kiss her on saturday gives me the impression that maybe she really not that into me and is letting me down easy. But then again, things still seem the same since she continues to text me from sunrise to sunset and agrees to go out on thursday after work. Also, it's not always me who initiates communication. Should I ask her if shes really not that into me and doesnt see this going anywhere? Do you guys think she is being honest and does like me? Im confused and dont know who to deal with it.

 

Omg. This is me exactly. Don't listen to the other responses. She likes you a LOT, I can tell by what you have posted. She has just been hurt in the past as is terrified as ****. Not because of you, but because she's afraid to put herself out there again (no matter who it is). Maybe she even thinks what you guys have is too good to be true, and so she wants to make sure it's the "real deal" and she's not illogically jumping into something. It's NOT because of you or anything you've done/didn't do. It's because she's scared of the unknown and scared to trust.

 

It isn't fair for you to wait around too long, so you will have to decide how long you're willing to wait. I would tell her that you understand entirely, and are willing to give her space and time to think about it. But also say that it isn't fair to you to just wait around. The more you communicate openly and honestly, the more likely it will work out. Being closed up about your emotions and not telling her what you're thinking will not make the relationships progress.

 

Also, she may be worried about completely crossing the coworker/personal relationship line. At some point, there's no going back and maybe she's worried about things not working out and thus, turning out awkward at work.

Edited May 29, 2013 by paigej91

[shexy]

I would maybe buy her story, but the whole thing where she won't kiss you or let you kiss her is ridiculous. She's playing games with you. she's either hung up on her ex, or she's got another guy she likes, so she's keeping you around as a back up plan.

[Adele0908]

Personally, I think she likes you, but has some fears about getting hurt.

 

It can be hard to deal with a person with that much fear.

 

But if you really like her, then just be patient.

 

If at any time you feel tired of the whole situation, then back off or move on.

 

You guys could be friends or just keep in contact for a while, while she gets used to you.

 

When a lady has been hurt badly, it impedes her ability to trust men.

 

So if you want to show her that you can be trusted, you could wait it out and still see her.

 

But keep in mind, this may get frustrating for you after a while.

 

It's not an impossible situation. She sounds like an honest and sweet girl.

 

But she is going to want to take her time getting physical with you.

[sweetheart5381]

It sounds to me that she really likes you, but wants to prevent herself from getting hurt. Anyone who has had a broken heart knows how hard that can be, and depending on where she is in her life, it may still be on her mind. The pain that is, not the ex-bf/gf. My first broken heart wrecked me for 2 yrs. Back then, that was 1/8th of my life!

 

Only you (OP) knows her and her trustworthiness BUT I will be the first to assure you that helping her to feel secure in your relationship and in your feelings for one another will only make things better. If you don't want her and don't love her then move on, she will too. If you do feel strongly for her and want her then you have to show her gently and run the risk of getting hurt yourself.

 

That's love... all or nothing

[silvteg98]

Omg. This is me exactly. Don't listen to the other responses. She likes you a LOT, I can tell by what you have posted. She has just been hurt in the past as is terrified as ****. Not because of you, but because she's afraid to put herself out there again (no matter who it is). Maybe she even thinks what you guys have is too good to be true, and so she wants to make sure it's the "real deal" and she's not illogically jumping into something. It's NOT because of you or anything you've done/didn't do. It's because she's scared of the unknown and scared to trust.

 

It isn't fair for you to wait around too long, so you will have to decide how long you're willing to wait. I would tell her that you understand entirely, and are willing to give her space and time to think about it. But also say that it isn't fair to you to just wait around. The more you communicate openly and honestly, the more likely it will work out. Being closed up about your emotions and not telling her what you're thinking will not make the relationships progress.

 

Also, she may be worried about completely crossing the coworker/personal relationship line. At some point, there's no going back and maybe she's worried about things not working out and thus, turning out awkward at work.

 

I hope you're right. You're right in terms of her saying it has nothing to do with me and its all her. I'm willing to wait and see what happens.

 

I dont think shes worried about things getting awkward at work. Shes told me a few times that she likes how we keep it professional. Also, we work at a school so we're going to have the whole summer off from work.

 

If it means anything, she told me today that her mom was asking her tons of questions about us and that she was comfortable answering them. So confusing!

[truth_seeker]

 

When you go out with people, you always have to beware of their motives and why they are single, things like:

Dumpees

crackpots

mental instability

 

Gotta see the signs before investing too much time. Dont give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think the three things listed above apply to OLD. Good advice, regardless.

[truth_seeker]

I would maybe buy her story, but the whole thing where she won't kiss you or let you kiss her is ridiculous. She's playing games with you. she's either hung up on her ex, or she's got another guy she likes, so she's keeping you around as a back up plan.

 

I tend to favor this response. If she liked you there would be some physical contact. She's holding on to you while she gets her physical needs met elsewhere.

[Eddie Edirol]

I think the three things listed above apply to OLD. Good advice, regardless.

 

Theres actually alot more that would apply in person, but I had a brain freeze during that post

[Eddie Edirol]

Interesting comments. I never thought of myself being just a rebound. She did say she was never with him, got over him, and now laughs about it.

 

I think I'm going to have to talk about it with her on thursday and ask her what is it that we have going on, if shes willing to take a risk, and if she sees it going anywhere. If not I think im going to have to bail, as much as it will hurt, and tell her to let me know when she's ready.

 

She says she was never with him and got over him? How would she get over him if she wasnt with him? I think she flipped the script of the story and her ex was actually the one that was never with her, and laughs about it, which would be pretty cruel.

 

You guys may be right. If so, I wish she would've just told me on saturday that see didnt see a future between us. She keeps giving me hope though. She's been the one texting me first with the good morning texts since saturday. She told me that she told some of her family members she was going out with me. She told one of our co-workers. Maybe im just making excuses to linger around.

 

Someone who could be on a rebound most likely isnt going to admit to someone they just started dating that they are hung up on someone. Few people do it, but Thats usually a dealbreaker for anyone that has choices. I mean, would you invest time and energy into her if she was going to take a year or so to get over an ex? Keep in mind, people cant always get over their exes by dating someone new.

 

She doesnt want to lose the attention, at least until she finds someone that can make her forget about her ex at first sight.

 

Now thats just if she is on the rebound. if she is just being cautious, hey, take a chance but keep as distant as she is, in fact pull back further a lil, make her wonder, make her work for it. Enough of the games. But you really have to assess her actions and read between her word, and make certain she is being honest. Assume she isnt.