Jump to content

Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'


RedRobin

Recommended Posts

So, I'm starting this thread not sure what I want from posters. I suppose, much like the people who knowingly or unknowingly enter into FWB situations.

 

My problem is this... If a guy tells me he had a FWB, my first thought is... "Hmm. How am I going to know he's not trying to make ME one?"

 

Why do I ask? Because I don't really believe most people enter into them knowingly. A lot of them kind of slide into that when one person or the other decides the person they are having rather 'oopsie' sex with isn't so-called 'relationship material' or their feelings fade for whatever reason and they don't have the backbone to end the situation.

 

... and then things carry on until one of them finds someone else. Of course, it usually the person keeping their default FWB in the dark hoping to monkey branch without having to spend any *gasp* time alone or sex-free.

 

I'm also asking because I just dumped a guy who I learned had a FWB for THREE YEARS, after which he had another relationship for two years with someone he claimed to love. Yes, this is the term he called her. I asked him about it, why he was with someone he didn't love for so long. He didn't have a good answer. Of course, *I* am different (rolleyes). Haven't we heard all this before??

 

I just couldn't trust him after that, no matter what he did. I figured if he could do that to her, he could do that to me. I can only imagine what he might have said to keep her around. I'm not sure if she knows he considered her a FWB... and not a GF.

 

He is the first person I've ever dated for any period of time who admitted to having a FWB.

 

If I have a question, it is more to the ladies. Could you love or trust someone knowing he had used someone just for sex? And did so for an extended period?

 

In the future, I will probably just tell a guy our values aren't compatible if he admits to that... rather than try to work through it. We had a lot of things in common otherwise, though, so it is a shame.

 

Thoughts??

Link to post
Share on other sites

From a male perspective:

 

I honestly wouldn't have much interest in a woman who admitted to having a non-emotional sexual relationship with someone. It'd be a big turnoff.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I like your posts, but I think you are being a bit too tough here, imho. It is very difficult to go sex free for years while looking for a special match (which is difficult and time consuming to find), especially for men, and as long as both parties know what it is, for me it would be ok for a guy to have had a FWB. Again, as long as he wasn't lying to her.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
AsonUnique

You made a lot of good points about FWBs. I've had FWBs...it was mutual tho.

 

That past would have absolutely no impact on a current relationship though. I think I make it pretty clear what my intentions are. It's just important to be clear on intentions.

 

If you're not sure, don't sleep with the person until you are. I understand if you choose not to date someone who's had a FWB. I'm just making a case that those of us who've had FWB aren't all cheaters and/or only looking for that...it's just what happened in the past.

 

Nevertheless, your values are your values and I can respect that.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I like your posts, but I think you are being a bit too tough here, imho. It is very difficult to go sex free for years while looking for a special match (which is difficult and time consuming to find), especially for men, and as long as both parties know what it is, for me it would be ok for a guy to have had a FWB. Again, as long as he wasn't lying to her.

 

I'm not sure the woman knows that is the case. Do you know any woman who would agree to that for three years? I don't.

 

My observation is that the guy rather tacitly strings her along... either from his own confusion or just complacency... maybe she is doing the same. I kind of doubt it though.

 

I never had a chance to ask him if there were any overlap between his so-called FWB and the woman he claimed to love after that. I'm getting the sense there was.

 

What I'm trying to avoid is being the one who is filling a man's sexual needs and some of his relationship needs while he properly romances his so-called dream woman. That, I won't do. Not knowingly, at least. And certainly not with someone who has already demonstrated a history of that.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not sure the woman knows that is the case. Do you know any woman who would agree to that for three years? I don't.

 

My observation is that the guy rather tacitly strings her along... either from his own confusion or just complacency... maybe she is doing the same. I kind of doubt it though.

 

I never had a chance to ask him if there were any overlap between his so-called FWB and the woman he claimed to love after that. I'm getting the sense there was.

 

What I'm trying to avoid is being the one who is filling a man's sexual needs and some of his relationship needs while he properly romances his so-called dream woman. That, I won't do. Not knowingly, at least. And certainly not with someone who has already demonstrated a history of that.

 

If the woman knows makes all the difference in this issue. If she knew, it would be ok with me. If he was lying, 100% I'd dump him. But how can you know the truth, that's the problem.... Because if he was a guy who had no problem lying, he won't tell the truth anyway.

 

I think there are women who would accept a FWB situation. Could be women, who, like some men, have their own reasons not to get into a steady relationship that involves intertwining their life with a significant other's life, but would like to have someone attend THEIR sexual needs until they are ready for something else. This would eliminate the need for a woman to go through multiple partners to meet sexual needs, and perhaps it could be convenient for other reasons. I don't know many single women, but I really don't think that all women in the world are the same, so I'm sure there HAVE to be some who would be OK with that arrangement.

 

In general, I'd not ask too many questions about the past. I'll observe his current behavior towards me and towards others and gauge his character based on that.

 

I don't mean to say that you made a mistake, if you really were into the guy and felt the compatibility to be very high, you would have forgiven his past, but probably you weren't too gaga about him. I'm sure that when I'm crazy about someone, I would totally overlook the FWB thing. But that's me, and maybe this "forgiving" attitude will get me in trouble.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You made a lot of good points about FWBs. I've had FWBs...it was mutual tho.

 

That past would have absolutely no impact on a current relationship though. I think I make it pretty clear what my intentions are. It's just important to be clear on intentions.

 

If you're not sure, don't sleep with the person until you are. I understand if you choose not to date someone who's had a FWB. I'm just making a case that those of us who've had FWB aren't all cheaters and/or only looking for that...it's just what happened in the past.

 

Nevertheless, your values are your values and I can respect that.

 

I do a pretty thorough job screening men I decide to date, and will only become intimate once I know we are in a relationship... that they aren't seeing anyone else and just want to see me.

 

So, I've never had to worry about intentions going in.

 

It is more like I'm looking forward wondering if a person who has had a FWB for that long has the courage to end things if he feels things aren't progressing, or tries to work on issues that come up... or if he just keeps things going with the bare minimum until something better comes along.

 

I feel the latter is the case... So, I ended it.

 

I'm guessing this is no different than finding out that someone had addiction issues or had some other behavior you didn't approve of after you started dating... and then had to break things off.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think relationship like behavior is different than FWB behavior though. FWB mostly meet for sex and are not progressing towards integrating their life together. I don't know, I'm thinking that I'd not ask about the past, but observe his behavior in the current relationship and whether or not he is progressing it (i.e. if he asks for exclusivity then it is not an FWB etc.).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think there are women who would accept a FWB situation. Could be women, who,

like some men, have their own reasons not to get into a steady relationship that

involves intertwining their life with a significant other's life, but would like

to have someone attend THEIR sexual needs until they are ready for something

else. This would eliminate the need for a woman to go through multiple partners

to meet sexual needs, and perhaps it could be convenient for other reasons. I

don't know many single women, but I really don't think that all women in the

world are the same, so I'm sure there HAVE to be some who would be OK with that

arrangement.

 

Yes, I suppose there might be... even if I've never personally met one.

 

In general, I'd not ask too many questions about the past. I'll observe his

current behavior towards me and towards others and gauge his character based on

that.

I didn't ask. He volunteered.

 

I don't mean to say that you made a mistake, if you really were into the guy and

felt the compatibility to be very high, you would have forgiven his past, but

probably you weren't too gaga about him. I'm sure that when I'm crazy about

someone, I would totally overlook the FWB thing. But that's me, and maybe this

"forgiving" attitude will get me in trouble.

 

My feelings about someone would not make me forgive their past. Knowledge of their past, once divulged, is simply information that I can process one way or the other.

 

I suppose it also depends on their attitude about it. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it, and maybe that was the disconnect.

 

If he said... "I had a FWB for three years and I would never do that again." Then give me some convincing reasons why he ended up in that situation and why it carried on so long, MAYBE, I'd think about it. Even then I'd be wary.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As a man, I can tell you that girls you will not have any chance of screening men who had FWB, because part of the skill of being good in doing FWB is to become like a Ninja. Go in undetected and come out undetected. Otherwise, you wouldn't succeed doing FWB as we know so many techniques based on isolating you from others to lock you in.

 

My advise is simple. If you are attracting FWB men, it means parts of you has this wanting the same as he does. Character insecurity is in part a large influence in these men. Most of these men have issues with parents; one of them probably the mother has neglected him and not provided him with the motherly love he so desired and caused insecurities to develop with women. Without this love, he will always look for it from you and from any girls. Like an addict for drugs, he will use any technique he knows how to sell himself to you.

 

What they need is real professional help to heal him from the dependence of this drugged state. Very few men seek treatment, and hence your only best defense is your offense. Work to heal yourself and become more self-confident, more secure and remove all emotional blockage in your heart. Then, you won't attract these men as you will only attract confident and loving men. No need to screen them.

 

Best.. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a mutually agreed upon FWB for about a year. We both were dating others and seeking a relationship, but enjoyed each other in the bedroom. Sometimes we watched a movie together first, but yeah... neither of us liked to sleep alone.

 

Eventually, we both ended up with people in committed relationships and cut the shenanigans. His girlfriend knew about me and the relationship we had. Made it awkward and uncomfortable for her.

 

No way in hell would I tell anybody I dated about it. My recent ex didn't even know.

 

Quite honestly though, I wouldn't do it again. It worked for that time in my life, but I learned a lot about myself since then as well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ThaWholigan

From my perspective, I wouldn't have a problem dating a girl who had an FWB - partly because I ended up having one myself :laugh:. That was mostly because it was my first sexual partner and I tried to treat it more like a relationship in some ways. I learned it wasn't for me.

 

Regarding men and FWBs - I don't think that men really think too hard about what it would mean for their future relationship prospects so they may be oblivious to why this would be a trust issue for you. If you want to be with a man who fully values your preferred progression of intimacy then you should stick to your guns IMO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
(Male Input) I do agree with your thoughts about how friends with benefits kind of just spiral into that kind of situation. I rarely hear of two people entering into some mutual contract orally (no pun intended) to become FWB's.

 

With that being said. I think you have to look at the time frame which it occurred. Some people have the opinion that a persons sexual past is just that, and it doesn't matter what they did prior to meeting you. I have my own opinions but I won't derail the topic.

 

If a FWB's occurred years ago ? Would you be so stringent on your standards. I think it shows a lot for this mans character that he was honest about it. You seem very intuitive. If you like him, or have an interest in him but the only issue is the FWB, either get rid of him or take things super slowly. Of course I think that most people are not honest and you find out later then sooner.

 

I also want to say that people do change. Who I was in college and what I wanted in college is NOT what I want years later. Just put that in perspective. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your response. Yes, I agree that people DO change... and that sometimes experience is the best teacher.

 

I had a pretty heartless ONS long before I met the man I would later marry. Me being the heartless one. Of course, at the time, I just assumed all guys were just happy getting sex and it never occurred to me that a guy could be hurt in that situation. I was wrong... and boy, did my friends let me have it!! That never happened again... It informed my behavior going forward. Still does. I've also had many, many years to demonstrate that is not my style.

 

About the man in question... this was fairly recent. Within the past 5 years, and without remorse or re-evaluation on his part.

 

I dunno. I just had this feeling he was trying to slide me into that kind of arrangement... despite what he was telling me at the time. Just a feeling I had based on what he told me about his so-called FWB (who I had more in common with), and the woman he claimed to love after that (who I have less in common with)... and the fact that his words and actions didn't line up in some other ways.

 

Hmm... just one of those things I guess... My gut was just saying I couldn't trust him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm... just one of those things I guess... My gut was just saying I couldn't trust him.

 

I think this is what it is, not just that one single piece of information.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
As a man, I can tell you that girls you will not have any chance of screening

men who had FWB, because part of the skill of being good in doing FWB is to

become like a Ninja. Go in undetected and come out undetected. Otherwise, you

wouldn't succeed doing FWB as we know so many techniques based on isolating you

from others to lock you in.

 

I disagree. There are tons of ways to detect if a man has had FWB or have a habit of using women for sex. Too many women just go on their 'feelings' and overlook the signs. They are all over the place.

 

My advise is simple. If you are attracting FWB men, it means parts of you has

this wanting the same as he does. Character insecurity is in part a large

influence in these men. Most of these men have issues with parents; one of them

probably the mother has neglected him and not provided him with the motherly

love he so desired and caused insecurities to develop with women. Without this

love, he will always look for it from you and from any girls. Like an addict for

drugs, he will use any technique he knows how to sell himself to you.

 

This was the first guy I dated who admitted to it, so I can't say I'm attracting them in droves. I also only date men in my social circle who come with 'recommendations' of some kind. In situations where there is a disconnect, I make sure that the people doing the recommending get fresh information.. respectfully of course. In this situation, I told my friend who thought he was a good guy, that he has a history of FWB and I'm not ok with that.

 

What they need is real professional help to heal him from the dependence of this

drugged state. Very few men seek treatment, and hence your only best defense is

your offense. Work to heal yourself and become more self-confident, more secure

and remove all emotional blockage in your heart. Then, you won't attract these

men as you will only attract confident and loving men. No need to screen them.

 

Ok. Well, with all due respect, I imagine that employers should stop screening too? Or they shouldn't have any need for screening because they are attracting potential employees that don't fit for their company?

 

I'd say a better suggestion is to just screen effectively and very quickly. Which is what I do.

 

... but your comment made me think through this issue a bit.

 

I've screened him, like a good 'employer'... Before this situation, I didn't know how I'd feel about someone who had a FWB before... and felt that lifestyle was ok. Now I do. Having had a number of conversations with him.

 

He wasn't 'hired'... so no worries.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think Red Robin is very confident. Even though we have butt heads in other threads I think think she is confident that she knows what she wants and what she does not want. She has made that very very clear.

 

Who she attracts has nothing to do with her character.

 

Whoever one is attracted is always a mirror to ourselves, so this is how we learn to improve. Virginia Satir had proven this.

 

May I recommend Virginia Satir's work on human emotional relationships, high pot and low pot individuals, because she has once said.

 

Typically, people typically blame the situation as the problem, being the man who you attract in your life is his problem not yours. This is victim mentality, because you felt you've been wronged by him.

 

What's interesting from Virginia Satir's work is that the problem isn't that person per se, but with the underlying problem of the individual that attracts to that situation. So the solution is to heal that individual who is manifesting that situation. She calls an individual a high pot or low pot depending upon his or her upbringing.

 

A person can be completely confident about him or herself, but still has insecurities. There are trigger points in the earlier childhood that made that someone unworthy. When you are unworthy of something, you feel insecure.

 

For example,

 

One day, the daughter coming back from school brought back a bunch of beautiful flowers for her mom or daddy. In a high pot family, the mom and daddy will say to her..

 

Wow, these are beatiful flowers honey. Thank you very much and then followed by a hug and kisses. If both parents give pure affection from the heart, then she will bring more flowers back. When she grows up, a man who brings her flowers meant he is showing his affection towards her because her experience with this is positive. She will attract these men. Men who bring flowers for a motive of trying to score sex and lay a guilt trip will turn her off. She will never be attract to these men.

 

However..

 

Scenario 2 is different.

 

Hey honey,where did you get these flowers? Did you pick them off Mrs. Smith backyard? And so on and so on. While the parents are teaching her good more values, they had completely neglected the fact that she loves her parents and only pick the flowers from the neighbour. But then she may have asked the neighbour's permission for those flowers?!? But we humans tend to lay the guilt trip on people early on. If the parents reinforce affection with guilt and suspicions, then later on in her life, she will equate any affection giving to someone and expect guilt and suspicion in return. This, in Virginia Satir's work is called a low pot individual. There is that level of insecurity and trust in that moment, while the low pot individual can be a CEO of a fortune 500 company, actors, famous people as well as high pot. In my theraphy group, we have powerful people who needs help due to their insecurities, so even they are ultra confident, little things like this in childhood can affect success in long lasting relationships.

 

So you see here that unless you want to fix youself, it's going to be awefully difficult to screen guys, because these guys are what you attract, you will attract these people so screening is pretty much ineffective.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think this is what it is, not just that one single piece of information.

 

this one piece of information made me doubt the other things he was telling me...

 

It was the dangling piece of yarn on that sweater that, when pulled, made the whole thing unravel.

 

So, yes, I feel it is.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf

I'd make sure of his intentions first before it went anywhere.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
And if a woman finds herself attracted to many different types of guys?

she has multiple personality disorder.:laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Regarding men and FWBs - I don't think that men really think too hard about what it would mean for their future relationship prospects so they may be oblivious to why this would be a trust issue for you. If you want to be with a man who fully values your preferred progression of intimacy then you should stick to your guns IMO.

 

Thanks TW :)

 

Yes, I imagine he didn't think that hard about how future women would interpret it... a lot of guys seem to be under the impression that their past has little bearing on who they are able to attract in the future.

 

anyway, we had a very long discussion about it. The compatibility was strong in other areas, but this was just something I couldn't get past. I believe he will understand better going forward that some women aren't ok with it.

 

He claimed to be angry and disappointed that I couldn't trust him, and I told him he was expecting me to go too much on faith.

 

He could have offered to introduce me to her (but he didn't). They are supposedly still friends. That was another sign in my mind.

 

What do I always say?? There is his side, her side, then there is the truth. He offered me no way to confirm, and just insisted I 'trust' him. That is usually BS detector method #1.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

He could have offered to introduce me to her (but he didn't). They are supposedly still friends. That was another sign in my mind.

 

That's not typical. Most women from my experience don't wanna be in the same room as another woman that they know a man they may be interested in has had sex with. Knee jerk jealousy, I suppose.

 

I would agree on 'still friends' being a red flag.

 

I have had FWB arrangements before. But when one or the other party met someone else, all contact ceased. By nature, the ending of the arrangement can't be protested very much, or at least not very effectively. If both parties were honest about the situation going in, either/or is free to leave at any time.

Edited by thatone
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not sure the woman knows that is the case. Do you know any woman who would agree to that for three years? I don't.

 

.

 

Er... there are plenty.

 

My longest FWB lasted 4 years and even though we haven't slept together in over a year I'm sure we could pick it up where we left off tomorrow, if we wanted to.

 

I'be had others that lasted only a few weeks, others a few months. Other a few years.

 

but lets make one thing clear... a FWB can, in no ways, be confused with a BF. i don't spend all the time with my FWBs. We meet up, every once in a while, maybe have a drink or 2, have sex, part ways. repeat.

 

For me a FWB is just an easy way to get laid. And the more you do it the more your FWB knows your likes and dislikes, so there really is nothing bad about it. Unless someone develops stronger feelings.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Er... there are plenty.

 

My longest FWB lasted 4 years and even though we haven't slept together in over a year I'm sure we could pick it up where we left off tomorrow, if we wanted to.

 

I'be had others that lasted only a few weeks, others a few months. Other a few years.

 

but lets make one thing clear... a FWB can, in no ways, be confused with a BF. i don't spend all the time with my FWBs. We meet up, every once in a while, maybe have a drink or 2, have sex, part ways. repeat.

 

For me a FWB is just an easy way to get laid. And the more you do it the more your FWB knows your likes and dislikes, so there really is nothing bad about it. Unless someone develops stronger feelings.

 

Ok, just reading your post made me a little ill. Sorry. I'm not trying to be offensive at all.

 

I think it is just another sign that his and my values were radically different if I can have such a strong negative feeling about it... even when a woman describes it.

 

I've had situations where I was tempted to block out my feelings for a man or keep things going just because the sex was good... but just couldn't do it.

 

It's like, I couldn't just run over a squirrel in the road if I had any possible way to avoid it. That's just me. I've never hit a squirrel in the road or any animal. Seriously.

 

Other people would just keep driving and not concern themselves with whether or not the squirrel was lying there half smashed and dying in agony because they couldn't be bothered to slow down their car... but I couldn't.

 

Sorry for the digression from squashing squirrels to FWB... lol.

 

Anyway, the only time I could imagine having a FWB is if I'd given up all hope of ever finding love again (and also lost all self respect). I realize that is one big reason a lot of people do it. If he'd said that instead, perhaps I'd understand. But that is not what he said.

Edited by RedRobin
Link to post
Share on other sites

Most people have been involved in an FWB situation. You'' b short changing yourself to not give a guy a chance simple because he's been involved in one.

 

A FWB situation can actually b a good thing, esp if you r in a place where you don't want to be in a day in day out committed relationship, but you don't want to go out and meet random people to satisfy physical intimacy desires.

 

Sometimes both parties are willing participates in a FWB situation and it doesn't mean that either one of them would b unable to be in a real relationship at some other point.

 

So if a guys only flaw is that he's been in a FWB situation, consider yourself lucky and give him a chance.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...