Long term relationship jeopardized by new female roommate?

[dashingkate]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. He is 22, I'm 18, and no, it's not as weird as it initially sounds. I find us both to be somewhat mature for our ages, yet lately we have been having a lot of problems.

 

He lives about 40 miles away in a townhome and he has recently had a female move in as a roommate. Now, yes, this bothered me, but I agreed to it (he asked if it would be ok). The bottom line is, it's not ok. I was appauled that it was even a question to him. But I felt that it's not my place to be controlling who lives with him, so I put on a smile and agreed to it.

 

So, a couple months later, I have come to find out that she has been paying him NON SEXUAL midnight visits and they leave notes back and forth on the refrigerator made out of those poetry magnets... But the poetry magnets were some that I had bought for him, the "Love" type. He says that it's a contest out of the 3 people in the house as to who can make the longest sentences, but when I went yesterday, there were only notes between those two.

 

I love my boyfriend to death but I am going crazy over all of this. I can't stop worrying about it, even though he really has given me no other reasons not to trust him. I just don't feel like he really loves me, anymore... I don't know.. Input please.

[gypsy_siren]

First of all, you should never have said it was okay for her to move in if it wasn't. Although I can understand not wanting to control his life or be overbearing, he asked for your opinion, and you should have told him.

 

Since she has already moved in, it might be a sore spot if you tell him now that it's not okay. However, the notes between the two of them seem suspicious, whether anything has come of it yet or not, the fact that it could even be a possibility is unsettling to you, and he needs to know this.

 

Tell him how you feel. Don't accuse him of anything, just state your feelings. If he brushes it off and acts like you have no reason to be upset, ask him how he would feel in a similar situation. Maybe that will help him understand your position.

 

Even though, initially, you said it was ok, I'm sure you did not anticipate midnight visits and notes being passed daily via love magnets. If he'd asked you about that situation, certainly you would have said 'no way'. Tell him that.

 

Good luck to you both. <3

[bluechocolate]

Do you trust your boyfriend?

 

If so then she should not be a threat to you. People have room mates, it's an economic necessity. Even many people who could afford to live alone would rather share. Over the years I have shared with many different people, male & female, gay & straight. I found that I rather enjoyed sharing a house with women & preferred to have a mixed household than one with just all men. Room mates never posed a problem in my personal relationships outside of those living arrangements & I never found myself in a situation where I ended a relationship because I wanted to start seeing or sleeping with a room mate.

 

To my mind the midnight visits & notes sound rather harmless and may just be a part of the dynamics of sharing a household with other people. Otherwise why would he tell you about them & leave those notes up on the fridge for everyone to see? Unless of course you feel that he may be doing that simply to make you jealous, in which case the problems in your relationship have little or nothing to do with the new room mate. By the way, do you still live at home with your parents?

 

What is the difference between this girl sharing the house as opposed to working in the same place as him? Are you worried about female friends he may have outside of the apartment? Is he so weak willed that you fear he's going to succumb to her wily ways? If so then I would suggest that he is not a man worth having in the first place.

 

You say that lately you've been having a lot of problems. And you also say that you're not sure that he loves you anymore. Are these problems & insecurities strictly due to the arrival of the new room mate? If not maybe the two of you should be trying to solve the real issues in your relationship before bringing into play problems that may not even exist. If your relationship is on the skids then her arrival may just push it over the edge but that is not to say that if she were to move out your relationship would suddenly improve for the better. I think you may be allowing her arrival to muddy the waters.