Six dates and not so much as a peck on the cheek!

[the_entertainer1]

I met a guy through a dating site back in February. We went on 5 fun dates (he introduced me to his friends & said he told his mother about me) & then he went overseas for a month & has only just returned.

 

I saw him this afternoon, for the first time since he got back a couple of days ago. He'd originally suggested we go out for lunch (Mexican, of all things - IMO, too messy for a 'date' food, lol) but I'd suggested I'd bring some lunch to his place to see photos from his trip. That was really just a reason to go somewhere more private, in the hope that it might provide an opportunity for us to kiss. I still live at home, so not much chance of inviting him over to my place and hoping for privacy! Lol. But after SIX dates now, we still haven't kissed, or even held hands! He communicated every couple of days when he was overseas, bought chocolates for my birthday (although it was only our 2nd date), got me a keyring and fluffy dice from his trip (a nice gesture, but not what I'd buy someone I was trying to 'woo') & wants to see me again.

 

He's nice but I'm frustrated. We get on well but I want a boyfriend, not just another friend. I'm not confident in myself when it comes to dating & need him to show something a bit more flirty or physical to show that he's attracted to me.

 

What do I do? I've done the 'usual' flirty stuff but it doesn't seem to work on him! I'm considering whether I should even see him again, whether we should talk about the situation, or if I should just let things keep going the way they are for a couple more dates and see what happens. I'm 24; he's 25.

[soccerrprp]

Ask him how he feels about you. Why won't he get more physical? Talk to him first.

[the_entertainer1]

Ask him how he feels about you. Why won't he get more physical? Talk to him first.

 

Don't guys get 'scared' of talks like that? Some male friends of mine have said that they hate that type of thing.

 

I'd prefer to talk about it, but we haven't really talked about much 'serious' stuff yet. It's mostly been about his trip and finding out random things about each other. Any more advice?

[carhill]

So, what do you do when you're sexually attracted to a relative stranger?

 

IME, I see sexual attraction as an 'injection' of familiarity which generally overrides the traditional getting to know process with another human. In that regard, each of us has a different style of overriding our style of 'get to know' with 'I wanna feel him/her all over me'. Apparently, at this juncture, your styles don't match up.

 

You have some choices....

 

You can, as you suggested, wait a couple more dates to see if he 'makes a move' and, if no joy, move on.

 

You can 'talk about it'.

 

You can 'make a move' yourself.

 

You can terminate the dating experience.

 

Good luck.

[the_entertainer1]

Is he religious?

 

Well, he goes to church ...

 

We haven't really talked too much about it yet. It's funny; when I saw his profile on the dating site, and it said that he was Christian, I thought it would be good because he might understand my perspective.

 

I'm a Catholic, and while I don't agree with a lot of their teachings, I haven't had sex yet. I'm not fully decided if I'm waiting for marriage, but I think that it's something special and not to be taken too lightly. Most guys don't get that, and I thought that because this guy is a Christian, he would. I assumed that we might have had a conversation about that by this point, but it hasn't come up.

 

I don't really know much about his beliefs, but they could be in a similar vein to mine - is that what you were getting at?

[soccerrprp]

Don't guys get 'scared' of talks like that? Some male friends of mine have said that they hate that type of thing.

 

I'd prefer to talk about it, but we haven't really talked about much 'serious' stuff yet. It's mostly been about his trip and finding out random things about each other. Any more advice?

 

I don't see anything scary about a simple conversation about where you both stand in the relationship. It shouldn't be anything complicated or protracted.

 

Have you made any moves to kiss him?

[the_entertainer1]

So, what do you do when you're sexually attracted to a relative stranger?

 

IME, I see sexual attraction as an 'injection' of familiarity which generally overrides the traditional getting to know process with another human. In that regard, each of us has a different style of overriding our style of 'get to know' with 'I wanna feel him/her all over me'. Apparently, at this juncture, your styles don't match up.

 

You have some choices....

 

You can, as you suggested, wait a couple more dates to see if he 'makes a move' and, if no joy, move on.

 

You can 'talk about it'.

 

You can 'make a move' yourself.

 

You can terminate the dating experience.

 

Good luck.

 

Wise words. I'm not sure what my style is. I certainly want to get to know someone on quite a deep level before becoming intimate sexually. I just thought we'd've kissed by now. The lack of interest he's shown, on that front, makes me doubt his interest.

[charlietheginger]

He probably has aspergers syndrome.

A form of high functioning autism people that

Have it dont seem to pick up on "social cues"

 

I have it in a mild form.

 

For instance if a woman brushes her hair back

Behind her ear . I just think she is brushing her

Hair back behind her ear

 

If a woman smiles at me i often think she is luaghin

At me.

 

If a woman shows breast i just assume her shirt musta

Shrunk in the dryer or a button came open accidentally.

 

to be honest its why ive never asked a woman out. So

The women i do get pretty much have to verbally ask

Me out so i know she must be interested.

 

My advice is he misses the cues. Its not his fualt just

How his brain developed in the womb. He probably

Wants to make the moves but due to his shyness

lack of social body language understanding he simply

Cant make advances.

 

Think of his body luanguage communicate a bit "forest

Gump " like

 

A child like innocence , versus a guy trying to hump anything

That moves

[the_entertainer1]

I don't see anything scary about a simple conversation about where you both stand in the relationship. It shouldn't be anything complicated or protracted.

 

Have you made any moves to kiss him?

 

No, I haven't made any moves. I've only kissed one guy before! I'm kind of 'scared' about my 'technique', lol! And also - I kind of like it better when the guy takes the lead.

[charlietheginger]

No, I haven't made any moves. I've only kissed one guy before! I'm kind of 'scared' about my 'technique', lol! And also - I kind of like it better when the guy takes the lead.

 

Your gonna have to take lead.....

The train is headed off the tracks...

 

Take the controls and steer it back on track

[jeni4566]

He's doing all these sweet little things. He's interested. It doesn't seem that he just wants to be friends.

 

Funny story: a friend of mine asked her husband why he won't **** her. He said, "why are you so dirty?" We had a good laugh

[ja123]

Ok - I think I can do that. What's the best 'environment' to do that in? How do I 'set up' the right circumstances for that kind of talk?

 

 

Go for a walk in the park, and tell him while sitting on a secluded park bench.

 

Good luck!

[BoneyHadger]

6 dates with little to no physical contact (no kissing, even cheeks? no holding hands?) is much as far as I am concerned.

 

As for making it happen, I'd say don't obsess over kiss itself and let closeness build more gradually. Like, tap him on a shoulder to grab his attention when you want to say something, or you brush his hand slightly with yours, maybe even grab for a second later under some pretext. I'm pretty sure he'd get the hint.

[the_entertainer1]

Hmm,

 

So I wanted to tell you guys about our date yesterday (the 6th one).

 

I left feeling quite disappointed. I had to drive for 50 minutes to get to his place; I got there at around 1:30pm. I brought lunch and a bottle of wine, and made some dip and took some corn chips, to tie in with his desire for Mexican food. I don't think he even tried the dip and when I was leaving and said he could have it, he practically 'made' me take it home.

 

Within a few minutes of arriving at his place, he told me that he'd received a reminder that he had to play in his church band that night; that he had to leave at 4 to attend the practice. (I know that this was true and not a made-up story to get out of the date! Lol). He invited me to come along, but I was a bit put off by the fact that he was cutting things short, so I said I couldn't stay.

 

He didn't even have wine glasses, so we drank the wine out of water glasses (lol, maybe I'm just being picky now!) and looked at his photos on his laptop. I thought we'd be sitting on the couch where we might've been able to get a bit closer physically, but we stayed at the kitchen table. I moved my chair around to sit closer to him (for 'obvious' reasons, but also to see the pics better) and he didn't really seem to make any effort to move closer, or react when our hands or knees brushed each other.

 

It didn't really feel like a date at all. We said goodbye with a hug and he said he'd be in touch.

 

Afterwards, I was talking to a male friend of mine. He told me that he thought the guy didn't really act appropriately and he was surprised that he didn't go to more effort after not seeing me for six weeks. He still thinks that the guy likes me though. He urged me to tell the guy that I was feeling disappointed about it.

 

So, I texted him and said thanks for the gift, it was nice to see him, but that I felt a little bit disappointed afterwards. He replied with "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that I apologise for whatever it may have been, especially having to run off to bad (I wish I didn't have to!) Please tell me what you were feeling ..."

 

Then I didn't know what to do. I didn't think it would be right to have that sort of conversation through texting, so I asked if he was was working in the CBD this week (he works there once a fortnight), and suggested that maybe we could catch up. He said he wasn't there this week, but that he could come meet me there one evening though (and added a smiley face).

 

I said I'd check my work roster to make sure I didn't have any late meetings (which is the truth!) and that I'd let him know tomorrow.

 

The thing is, I'm really quite nervous about talking to him about this stuff now. I'm not really used to sharing my feelings with people, especially things that are intimate or personal - anything that makes me vulnerable.

 

I don't want to hurt his feelings, or necessarily have the "define the relationship" talk, but if I were being completely honest, I'd tell him that I was disappointed that we haven't kissed yet, and that it feels like we're in the "friend zone" instead of heading towards a romantic relationship.

 

I'm happy for things to move slowly and understand that he's probably nervous if he's inexperienced (because I am too, lol), but I'm almost starting to feel like I'm wasting my time. I mena, this whole dating experience is meant to be fun and exciting. But at the moment, I'm just worried and impatient, lol.

 

How do I have this conversation with him? As I said, I'm not great at this stuff. I guess, if he does come into the CBD to meet me, we'll have dinner or something. It's cooling down and daylight savings has finished, so there's not much opportunity for a walk in the park or anything like that (which is what I'd've done otherwise).

 

Any hints/tips/thoughts/general comments?

[carhill]

Any hints/tips/thoughts/general comments?

 

Would you describe him as 'socially inept'?

 

The latest episode reminds me of a male friend who's turning 52 this month and has never been married. Always very proper, picky and adheres to his church schedule like clockwork. It's tough for a woman to inject herself into that kind of routine.

 

In any event, I'd call this done. Given you went to visit him and were very generous in bringing food and wine, and in light of his treatment of events, even more so. He's now proven to value your generosity little, so he can equally value your absence.

[the_entertainer1]

Would you describe him as 'socially inept'?

 

In any event, I'd call this done. Given you went to visit him and were very generous in bringing food and wine, and in light of his treatment of events, even more so. He's now proven to value your generosity little, so he can equally value your absence.

 

Interesting comment - the 'socially inept'. I think it's just his inexperience when it comes to dating, that is standing in the way of him being more forward. He's always super-polite. When he was overseas, he did a TopDeck tour (like a Contiki, if you know what that is. If you don't - it's a tour for 18-35s, known for fun and partying, etc.). On the trip, from what I've seen of his interactions with others on Facebook, it seems like he was 'Mr Popular'. He's a good-looking guy, but grew up in the country. When he was telling me about his lack of relationship experience, he just said that opportunities never arose.

 

Am I reading him wrong? The 'signs' I thought that showed he liked me - are they false? I get the sense, from his texts, that he's still quite interested ...

[crude]

It sounds like you're just his beard, and he's really interested in his secret boyfriend. Church guys are like that sometimes. That date should tell you it's time to move on.

[sillyanswer]

So why haven't you kissed him yet?

[clia]

What a strange situation.

 

I'm kind of at a loss, because I can think of a few valid reasons why he hasn't made a move yet. Maybe since he knew he was going out of town for six weeks he didn't want to rush things without knowing whether you were going to stick around. Maybe he prefers to get to know a person before getting physical. Maybe he's inexperienced with women. Maybe he is shy. Etc....He does seem to like you!

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was planning on stepping up now that he is back in town for the foreseeable future. What happened on your "date" yesterday was a debacle...of your own doing:

 

I left feeling quite disappointed. I had to drive for 50 minutes to get to his place; I got there at around 1:30pm.

 

But this whole deal was your suggestion. He asked you out to lunch; you declined and offered to drive to his place and bring lunch. So I imagine you knew it would be a 50 minute drive?

 

I brought lunch and a bottle of wine, and made some dip and took some corn chips, to tie in with his desire for Mexican food. I don't think he even tried the dip and when I was leaving and said he could have it, he practically 'made' me take it home.

 

He probably suggested Mexican because it was Cinco de Mayo. Maybe he doesn't like dip. Don't feel offended...

 

Within a few minutes of arriving at his place, he told me that he'd received a reminder that he had to play in his church band that night; that he had to leave at 4 to attend the practice. (I know that this was true and not a made-up story to get out of the date! Lol). He invited me to come along, but I was a bit put off by the fact that he was cutting things short, so I said I couldn't stay.

 

You still got over 2 hours with him; that's a lot of time. And he invited you along, so I don't know what the problem is.

 

He didn't even have wine glasses, so we drank the wine out of water glasses (lol, maybe I'm just being picky now!)

 

You are being picky, LOL! You invited yourself over to his house. Now isn't the time to start criticizing his glassware.

 

It didn't really feel like a date at all. We said goodbye with a hug and he said he'd be in touch.

 

It doesn't sound like a date to me, either. But then again, "hang out" time seldom feels like a date to me. And you were the one who suggested the "hang out" date after he suggested a real date.

 

Afterwards, I was talking to a male friend of mine. He told me that he thought the guy didn't really act appropriately and he was surprised that he didn't go to more effort after not seeing me for six weeks. He still thinks that the guy likes me though. He urged me to tell the guy that I was feeling disappointed about it.

 

I feel like the guy just got back from six weeks out of town, so cut him some slack! He clearly wanted to see you. I'm not sure what effort he could have gone to. He obviously wanted to go out to eat for Cinco de Mayo, and you declined that and suggested a hang out date. I mean, I don't think it sounds all that romantic to have a first kiss in the middle of the afternoon in his kitchen (or even living room)...

 

This conversation you plan to have with him is going to be completely awkward. No matter what you say, you are going to be criticizing his "game" (or lack thereof), which will probably leave him feeling self conscious, insulted, and hurt. (I would've brought it up in a teasing, light, joking manner, after a couple of drinks not in a serious conversation manner over text.) If I were you, I wouldn't even go there. If you don't like his approach, then stop dating him. I just can't see a conversation like this ending well.

[carhill]

Given the backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/377158-dating-inexperienced-guy

 

I'm inclined to agree with this:

 

If you don't like his approach, then stop dating him.

 

OP, since you're apparently 23 and have had limited dating/sexual experience yourself, rather than seeking an 'equal' in that department, seek a more experienced man who gives clear signals of interest and progresses interactions in a way which shows you overt romantic intent. I mention this because, in the linked thread, posters were advising you to be more 'obvious' in your expressions of interest and either that hasn't worked or you haven't appeared sufficiently obvious to stimulate this man's attention and action.

 

Using your 'lunch' as an example, back when inexperienced/a virgin, I'd see such interactions as 'friendly' and 'getting to know' someone, and wouldn't immediately attach obvious romantic/sexual feelings. After more experience, and becoming sexually active, such private interludes became more an invitation for obvious flirting and physical/sexual interaction like kissing and 'making out'. Not surprisingly, the latter is what women responded to positively, and the lack appears to be what I'm hearing from you as a marked complaint. He's just not 'making any moves'.

 

Any thoughts on that?

[hppr]

Your last post from just a few days ago says that you just went on a date with him so you couldn't have been dating for months on end. What you are describing is perfectly normal. If you want him to escalate after just 3-4 days of knowing each other (internet dating doesn't count, it's all fantasy until you meet in real life) then you need to do the escalating. You need to make some sort of a move, all over the world other girls are doing it every day, you can too.

[hppr]

Any hints/tips/thoughts/general comments?

 

Make a move, make a move, make a move, make a move...go out to the movies and start getting jiggy with him in a theater when the lights go out, have a few drinks at a bar and then make out in a car, give him a hug and a kiss etc. Jeez this isn't complicated.

[Estate]

I met a guy through a dating site back in February. We went on 5 fun dates (he introduced me to his friends & said he told his mother about me) & then he went overseas for a month & has only just returned.

 

I saw him this afternoon, for the first time since he got back a couple of days ago. He'd originally suggested we go out for lunch (Mexican, of all things - IMO, too messy for a 'date' food, lol) but I'd suggested I'd bring some lunch to his place to see photos from his trip. That was really just a reason to go somewhere more private, in the hope that it might provide an opportunity for us to kiss. I still live at home, so not much chance of inviting him over to my place and hoping for privacy! Lol. But after SIX dates now, we still haven't kissed, or even held hands! He communicated every couple of days when he was overseas, bought chocolates for my birthday (although it was only our 2nd date), got me a keyring and fluffy dice from his trip (a nice gesture, but not what I'd buy someone I was trying to 'woo') & wants to see me again.

 

He's nice but I'm frustrated. We get on well but I want a boyfriend, not just another friend. I'm not confident in myself when it comes to dating & need him to show something a bit more flirty or physical to show that he's attracted to me.

 

What do I do? I've done the 'usual' flirty stuff but it doesn't seem to work on him! I'm considering whether I should even see him again, whether we should talk about the situation, or if I should just let things keep going the way they are for a couple more dates and see what happens. I'm 24; he's 25.

 

He's probably nice but just shy.

 

Easiest thing to do is next time you have a date, don't go to dinner. Do something where you can have privacy or at least some contact rather than sitting across the table from each other.

 

If he's not making the move then you'll just have to "make it easy" for him. Occassionally I've dated shy girls or girls who don't really present an oppertunity for a kiss.

 

If you are at home, sit close to him on the couch, touch him, lean into him, don't sit at the other end of the couch.

If you went bowling, wait until someone hits a strike and go for a hug, with some lingering eye contact...

Things like that.

 

Get into a position where you are close or hugging and give him that lingering eye contact, he'll have to kiss you.

 

If he's just not doing it then there's nothing wrong with you making the move.

 

He just sounds horribly shy, if you are dating and in that much contact then he likes you but probably isn't very experienced and is afraid he'll mess up.

[FitChick]

Walk with him somewhere and brush up against him as you walk. Hold him by the arm if hand holding is too bold. Then at some point pull away to do something and see if he grabs your hand himself. When you greet him and when you say goodbye, hug him. You could say he smells good or how nice it is to hug him. Treat him like a wild animal who will run off if you are too bold. He has to get used to human contact.

[the_entertainer1]

Given the backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/377158-dating-inexperienced-guy

 

I'm inclined to agree with this:

 

If you don't like his approach, then stop dating him.

 

OP, since you're apparently 23 and have had limited dating/sexual experience yourself, rather than seeking an 'equal' in that department, seek a more experienced man who gives clear signals of interest and progresses interactions in a way which shows you overt romantic intent. I mention this because, in the linked thread, posters were advising you to be more 'obvious' in your expressions of interest and either that hasn't worked or you haven't appeared sufficiently obvious to stimulate this man's attention and action.

 

Using your 'lunch' as an example, back when inexperienced/a virgin, I'd see such interactions as 'friendly' and 'getting to know' someone, and wouldn't immediately attach obvious romantic/sexual feelings. After more experience, and becoming sexually active, such private interludes became more an invitation for obvious flirting and physical/sexual interaction like kissing and 'making out'. Not surprisingly, the latter is what women responded to positively, and the lack appears to be what I'm hearing from you as a marked complaint. He's just not 'making any moves'.

 

Any thoughts on that?

 

Everything you wrote makes complete sense. Your comment about dating more experienced guys was interesting. I haven't dated heaps of guys in the past, but I've found that with some more experienced guys who I have dated, they haven't been particularly understanding about my inexperience and have moved on fairly quickly (after seemingly being interested in me) once they found out about that.

 

He just sent me a text and revealed that he was nervous on the date because he's never had a girl over before!

 

How do I respond to that? My first instinct is to say that he doesn't have to be nervous and that we should keep being open about these things. How does that sound?