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what about this one?


BluEyeL

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I'm relatively new to dating and still trying to understand all the different types of situations/men out there.

 

The guy I'm talking about now messaged me on match more than one month ago. He started a bit aggressive, asking why did I look at his profile and didn't say hi. I answered "I made you look at mine, right?". Then he asked something like if I'm coming to his town often (I live in a small town, 50 miles from Indianapolis) and what for. I said sometimes for dinner etc. He said how can he join me for dinner, and I answered, he'll need to come down here. To this he said something like: Oh, so I need to come down there, why, are you cooking? I'm afraid I might get lost in your town. This pissed me off and I said: too bad so sad you have problems with orientation, so it looks like it's a no go. He answered "no, no, it's a go, it's a go, it's a go". Anyway, listed this to illustrate how it started. He asked for my phone number, he texted me 2 days later and he said "I waited 48h to text you LOL". Whatever. He kept texting here and there, every 3-4 days, and called me like 10 days later. On the phone he was sort of shy, and he told me he'll be here when I will be back from my trip. I was going on a couple of trips and he started to be sort of sweet in his texts, wished me a good trip the day of the trip etc. But his texting was not constant. Every time I thought he dissapeared, he texted again. When I returned from my first trip, he asked me out like this: "I really want to hang out with you, when are you coming to Indianapolis?". I replied: "I'm sorry, if you want to hang out, you would need to ask me out and come here. I understand if it's too far, I'm sure a smart and funny guy like you has plenty of options closer to home, so not problem if you can't do this". He said "LOL I was just trying to make things easier for me". We went on a 1h coffee date, he was nice and a bit shy again. I am a bit attracted to him and he seemed attracted to me judging by his body language (touching on arm etc.). At the end of the date came again with: "when are you coming to Indianapolis with your son or something, maybe we can meet again?" I said again, I'm sorry, this would be too casual at this stage, if things progressed, of course,but not now. He texted after the date, but I went to San Francisco for a week, we didn't set up a second date. When I returned I texted him first, I told him I'm back, we texted back a forth a few times that day. Didn't ask me out. I wrote him off again. 5 days later he texted me again "what are you doing today?". 4 texts back and forth, I had the feeling he wanted me to ask him to come here, but I didn't so he dropped. When I closed my match account, I sent him a text saying that we won't date, but I enjoyed our interactions. He replied "why we won't date? I was hoping you'll tell me to come for dinner this saturday evening". I said ok, come for dinner. We went out, spent a couple of hours. This time he was even more forward with the arm touching, puting his arm around me while walking...full body hug at the end. He's going away for a month. After the date he texted "next time I wont park in that garage. Will I see you when I come back?". I said yes and that was Saturday.

 

My question is this: this one doesn't keep contact a lot, it is sporadic. Does it look to outsiders that I someone on his backburner? Is this level of communication normal? From what I read here, men who are interested constantly text etc. It reads to me like rather low interest, am I right? Should I mentally let this one go? Not that I hold my breath, I like him, but if I sense low interest from a guy it turns me off. Now I'm more interested in studying different patterns and want to know if that behavior is something that someone shy would do, or someone more seasoned who is stringing ladies along would do. My luck so far is that most men I meet seem to be interested in the physical part, but don't really stick around when it becomes clear that I'm not going that route. If you met me, it would be clear rather quickly that it is not happening soon.

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proof women suck at picking men

OK, I suck. But you're not helping me get better with this answer.

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Does it look to outsiders that I someone on his backburner?

 

Yes. Sporadic communication like that typically means he isn't that into you. If he was, he would want to talk to you frequently and would want to set up dates with you. It seems like most of your communication has been through text. To me, that's always a bad sign. Texting takes no effort. He can even text you when he's out with another woman.

 

Is this level of communication normal?

 

"Normal" obviously varies by couple, but in the getting to know you stage, contact every 2-3 days shows interest. Not letting 5 or 10 days go without some form of contact, or dates.

 

From what I read here, men who are interested constantly text etc.

 

Not necessarily "constantly," but they don't leave you wondering whether or not they are interested in you. They set up dates with you in advance to make sure to get a spot on your calendar. They don't let days and days go by so you are left wondering if they poofed.

 

It reads to me like rather low interest, am I right?

 

I think so.

 

Should I mentally let this one go?

 

Well, that's up to you. You are the one who has to date him. But honestly, when I first started reading your story about him I was so turned off and was kind of surprised you even agreed to meet him in person. Let's analyze:

 

The guy I'm talking about now messaged me on match more than one month ago. He started a bit aggressive, asking why did I look at his profile and didn't say hi.

 

Blech. Who starts out a communication with a stranger like that?

 

I answered "I made you look at mine, right?".

 

Good answer on your part.

 

Then he asked something like if I'm coming to his town often (I live in a small town, 50 miles from Indianapolis) and what for. I said sometimes for dinner etc. He said how can he join me for dinner, and I answered, he'll need to come down here.

 

Blech again. He wants to do no work -- he wants you to come to him, and wants to invite himself along for dinner, as opposed to asking you out on a date. He doesn't seem overly motivated to date you at this point.

 

To this he said something like: Oh, so I need to come down there, why, are you cooking? I'm afraid I might get lost in your town. This pissed me off and I said: too bad so sad you have problems with orientation, so it looks like it's a no go.

 

With the cooking comment, he's already inviting himself over to your house. Blech again.

 

He answered "no, no, it's a go, it's a go, it's a go".

 

But nothing is really a "go." He hasn't even set up a date yet.

 

He asked for my phone number, he texted me 2 days later and he said "I waited 48h to text you LOL". Whatever.

 

Whatever is right. Is he really inexperienced with women? I mean, who says that?

 

He kept texting here and there, every 3-4 days, and called me like 10 days later.

 

Infrequent communications via text, no request for a date, yep, backburner material here.

 

When I returned from my first trip, he asked me out like this: "I really want to hang out with you, when are you coming to Indianapolis?". I replied: "I'm sorry, if you want to hang out, you would need to ask me out and come here. I understand if it's too far, I'm sure a smart and funny guy like you has plenty of options closer to home, so not problem if you can't do this". He said "LOL I was just trying to make things easier for me".

 

Again, hoping you will change your mind and drive 50 miles to meet him. Your response was perfect. And he even admitted he was lazy! A guy who is into you isn't going to be bothered by a 50 mile drive; or will at least suggest meeting somewhere in the middle.

 

At the end of the date came again with: "when are you coming to Indianapolis with your son or something, maybe we can meet again?" I said again, I'm sorry, this would be too casual at this stage, if things progressed, of course,but not now.

 

Again with wanting you to drive to him. I would be so turned off by now. And suggesting bringing your son after one one-hour coffee date? Is he inexperienced with women?

 

He texted after the date, but I went to San Francisco for a week, we didn't set up a second date. When I returned I texted him first, I told him I'm back, we texted back a forth a few times that day. Didn't ask me out. I wrote him off again. 5 days later he texted me again "what are you doing today?". 4 texts back and forth, I had the feeling he wanted me to ask him to come here, but I didn't so he dropped.

 

Somewhat wishy washily tries to maybe ask you out at the last minute. Blech again.

 

When I closed my match account, I sent him a text saying that we won't date, but I enjoyed our interactions. He replied "why we won't date? I was hoping you'll tell me to come for dinner this saturday evening". I said ok, come for dinner. We went out, spent a couple of hours. This time he was even more forward with the arm touching, puting his arm around me while walking...full body hug at the end. He's going away for a month. After the date he texted "next time I wont park in that garage. Will I see you when I come back?". I said yes and that was Saturday.

 

He coerces you into asking him out. This guy is not a pursuer. Is that okay with you? He comes across as really wimpy and lazy to me.

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The reason I let this progress a bit is because he is from Pakistan and I was told by a close friend who dated an Indian guy for a long time that Indian/Pakistani men are like that, not pursuers, and it's cultural, they need to be pushed, plus on the phone and in person he is shy in the way he speaks (because he was touchy, so that's not shy lol). So I guess I said maybe he needs some help. But even under these circumstances, I think it's a "no go". I am interested in studying patterns so I can get better at this in the future. Now I'm not online anymore because it tends to consume a lot of my time, but when I get back I'd like to change my style and filter people more. I tend to go out with anyone who asks who has an education and is not scary, and I try to understand the differences in people, not just put them in a matrix that is set in my head. However, I guess being a scientist, I'd like to gather data points and see how I can be more efficient next time around and not get so burned out by having 2-3 dates a week that don't go anywhere.

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This guy seems lame and vapid. And automatic DQ for a grown man texting 'LOL'.

 

Thanks, that's what I thought.

 

PS. What is DQ, I'm bad with these....

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Not sure if I agree with everyone else. You say he's shy, and, by culture, may not be "the pursuer". It's amazing what the anonymity of a keyboard will lead people to say - stupid, bold, out of character things. If you're interested, and can get him to stop the babble, well, maybe? Take the lead by continuing to talk straight, no nonsense with him. It could be that his lame ways have met with success, or worse, he's picked up his horrid communication style from woman who behave similarly. OLD does weird things to people, look at me, LOL!

 

Yea, what is DQ?

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He may be shy but I mean he sounds "vapid" as someone already mentioned above. He sounds incredibly insecure, and then with the comment about how he wanted you to come to him to make things easier for HIM kind of turned me off.

 

There also seems to be so much work involved in this mere month of interaction. A relationship should flow and develop organically, not be so, I don't know... stop and go, awkward... just a few ways I can describe what I'm reading above.

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I liked him, marginally, but at this point, I think I'm rather turned off by his behavior, and just want to use him as a case study :p During dinner on Saturday, we were talking about Indian food, and I mentioned that I cook, yes, I made Keema Curry a few times, also thai food, middle eastern etc. He said: "so what are we doing in this restaurant again?".... So again sort of coming with "are you cooking next time?" I said it was a joke.

 

I'll see if he shows when he comes back and depending what my mood is at that time and how he comes off, I'll see. But don't really care one way or another right now. When I come back online I'd like to go on less dates, that's my plan. I'd like to set my criteria better, while not eliminating people that might be worth a chance. I don't use pictures much to screen (except when I'm repulsed by the picture; if I don't say arghhhhhh bleah, it's OK haha), but maybe I can use some other criteria.

 

I really really hate to say that "The Rules" book seems quite right so far from my experience. Every guy I met and didn't go anywhere, I broke one rule or another. I thought that book was incredibly rigid and old fashioned, but....my experimental data :p proves it to be right.

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I'm not a native English speaker and I had to look the word "vapid" in the dictionary. Yes, he is vapid, you guys are right on.

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He may be shy but I mean he sounds "vapid" as someone already mentioned above. He sounds incredibly insecure, and then with the comment about how he wanted you to come to him to make things easier for HIM kind of turned me off.

 

There also seems to be so much work involved in this mere month of interaction. A relationship should flow and develop organically, not be so, I don't know... stop and go, awkward... just a few ways I can describe what I'm reading above.

 

Actually you are right with the "work". The second date with this one felt like a lot of work for me. Because he was shy and "vapid", not lively, I kept trying to hit some button that will make him come alive, finally I succedeed with talking about cars, that got him going :laugh:

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normal person
Thanks, that's what I thought.

 

PS. What is DQ, I'm bad with these....

 

DQ = "disqualified." Sports reference.

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Actually you are right with the "work". The second date with this one felt like a lot of work for me. Because he was shy and "vapid", not lively, I kept trying to hit some button that will make him come alive, finally I succedeed with talking about cars, that got him going :laugh:

 

Yeah my ex was like this. He was never interested in talking about anything other than sports. Even to have an engaging conversation about what's going on in the world, or my interests... never happened. Everything always revolved around sports, his job in sports, him playing sports, his fantasy leagues. So annoying when someone shows ZERO interest in anything besides what they're passionate about.

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Yeah my ex was like this. He was never interested in talking about anything other than sports. Even to have an engaging conversation about what's going on in the world, or my interests... never happened. Everything always revolved around sports, his job in sports, him playing sports, his fantasy leagues. So annoying when someone shows ZERO interest in anything besides what they're passionate about.

Boring, right ? There was an earthquake in Pakistan about 10 days ago, and I tried to talk about it, he didn't even hear of that, dude, it's your freaking home country......I thought you'd know.

Edited by BluEyeL
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Boring, right ?

 

Boring and just shows how self absorbed people can be. His head was always shoved so far up his own a.ss that he never saw how he was treating me. The only time we ever had engaging conversations is when I would talk about sports with him, it was the only way I knew how to connect to him. So sad.

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My ex husband was the oposite of boring. He was a great "boyfriend/lover", sucky husband and suckier father, and our marriage finally ended, but we had lots and lots of conversation. He tended to be a bit crazy and go on and on about topics, but at least he was able to talk about things. He was definitely a talker, and a sweet talker as well (my son takes after him with the sweet talking, worried about the girls he'll date :laugh: ). One of my friends warned me that I'll have problems with dating and sex because of the ex being good at these things, while most men aren't. Oh well...I'm fine single too and there is porn. :laugh:

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My ex husband was the oposite of boring. He was a great "boyfriend/lover", sucky husband and suckier father, and our marriage finally ended, but we had lots and lots of conversation. He tended to be a bit crazy and go on and on about topics, but at least he was able to talk about things. He was definitely a talker, and a sweet talker as well (my son takes after him with the sweet talking, worried about the girls he'll date :laugh: ). One of my friends warned me that I'll have problems with dating and sex because of the ex being good at these things, while most men aren't. Oh well...I'm fine single too and there is porn. :laugh:

 

Yeah I guess it's good I already experienced and long term dated a sucky conversationalist... it can only get better from here! :lmao:

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Well where do I start? Clia is right on and really the thread should just be closed after her post. LOL Teasing.

 

I'm a woman so I cannot be DQ'd for using LOL. Just learned that, good to know. ;)

 

I can see what you're doing here I think. You're not really trying to figure out if you should give this guy a chance as much as you're trying to figure out his behavior so maybe you can learn to avoid this 'type' later on if the same situation comes about am I right?

 

It does seem to be going nowhere. He wants an easy 'relationship' where either you come to him (with your son in tow, no matter, just come) or he comes to you but you make him dinner whilst he sits on your couch. Yup, porn does sound so much better than that!

 

I think the signs were there with him early on. But not knowing how to see them and/or being WAY too nice (I was like that too but I toughened up) you probably did let this go on longer than it should have. You're giving him way too much credit and excuses for his behavior when really he's just being lazy in the beginning which is a bad sign for things to come.

 

He's not keeping in touch, he's not pursuing, he's hoping you're going to come to him, he has a lot of very odd responses to texts. Lost cause I'm afraid.

 

There was a time that I was dealing with way too many guys at once. Not in a multi dating kind of way as much as just guys from my past who would still contact me, guys like this who didn't put in a lot of effort, etc. and I devised this plan that still pretty much works for me.

 

I was open and available to whatever came my way. Period. Someone asked me out (on a real date, not like can you come to me and bring your kid or how about I come to you and you make me dinner, oh and I'll bring my laundry too how does that sound?) and I had some interest in them, I went.

 

D asked me out, I would go. G asked me out, I would go. Some cute new guy from Match asked me out, I would go. I was a free agent and if someone who interested me asked me on a date, then I would go and have a good time. I never pursued, I never suggested a date, I never texted or called first. I just sat back and waited to see what these guys would do and I would respond to them and mirror their actions.

 

Until one of these guys actually offered me something 'real', I was free to do whatever I wanted.

 

I had an orbit of men for a while. None of them was offering me a relationship so I felt like I was free to date around until someone did.

 

So if you like him enough to see him again if he asks you out on a real date, then go. Don't overthink it, don't be upset if he doesn't text you for 2 days. Make note of it but don't overthink it. Keep your eyes open for something more real, but keep an orbit of men (watch that gravitational pull!!) so you're not as focused on one and their actions.

 

It worked for me and helps me keep my mind occupied and not focused on the outcome of one situation.

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I use LOL too, and emoticons. Now BB made me feel self conscious...should I add LOL to this or not?

 

Yes, I'm trying to figure out patterns/types of behavior. And I kinda like to study people, that's the one thing I like most about dating. Sometimes I like that about it.

 

So, I just talked to my therapist. Yes, I have a therapist, I'm a better therapist than her, but I still use her :laugh: I saw her when I was going through my break up and started to recently see her again so I can talk about this craziness with dating and stuff I'm not used to and not bore my friends to death, they are not interested and their eyes gloss over if I discuss dating haha. I'm just boring you, internet people. :)) Anyway, off topic. I talked to my therapist, she is from Pakistan. She is making lots of excuses for this guy. She says he is insecure because a lot of white women probably reject him for being a muslim, non-white etc. but especially muslim from Pakistan; talking about food and me cooking is cultural, not being in contact more is because he fears rejection a lot. She thinks I should give this guy a chance and moreover, I should even pursue him because he is too fearful to pursue!! she wants me to send him a text before his trip (he leaves on Friday) inviting him to write me via email about his experiences in Africa (he doesn't have my email address, but she thinks I should say write me via email, and he will respond give me your email address). She also said "The Rules" are stupid and I'm allowed and should pursue shy men because, and I cite "do you want a man like your ex-husband? No. Then you need to pursue boring and shy men. She also said that I'm lucky that I didn't get my #1, the wants sex quick guy because that would be like jumping from the fire (ex) into the frying pan". I dunno. And I'm paying her, which shows that I'm dumb:laugh:

Edited by BluEyeL
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There was a time that I was dealing with way too many guys at once. Not in a multi dating kind of way as much as just guys from my past who would still contact me, guys like this who didn't put in a lot of effort, etc. and I devised this plan that still pretty much works for me.

 

 

I had an orbit of men for a while. None of them was offering me a relationship so I felt like I was free to date around until someone did.

 

.

Yes, but I'm offline now. I'll keep an orbit, or "fill my funnel" when I get back.

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Interesting what your therapist said about him. I hadn't realized he was from Pakistan. It's really up to you to decide whether you are interested in being the pursuer in the relationship. I personally don't like being the pursuer, so I never had much luck with shy, timid guys. I like a man to be a man.

 

I totally disagree with her on The Rules, though. I'm with you -- they work. How much dating has she done, I wonder? It's easy to sit on the outside as a happily married person and call strategies like The Rules BS. While I agree that there is some really dumb stuff within The Rules, its overarching theme and message is phenomenal for women who have trouble with boundaries and falling for men too quickly. After reading The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches, in my 20s, my dating life got dramatically better.

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Interesting what your therapist said about him. I hadn't realized he was from Pakistan. It's really up to you to decide whether you are interested in being the pursuer in the relationship. I personally don't like being the pursuer, so I never had much luck with shy, timid guys. I like a man to be a man.

 

I totally disagree with her on The Rules, though. I'm with you -- they work. How much dating has she done, I wonder? It's easy to sit on the outside as a happily married person and call strategies like The Rules BS. While I agree that there is some really dumb stuff within The Rules, its overarching theme and message is phenomenal for women who have trouble with boundaries and falling for men too quickly. After reading The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches, in my 20s, my dating life got dramatically better.

 

Well, the discussion about this went like that:

 

She: "send him a text on Th and ssay this and this"

Me: "but this would mean pursuing him, and I do not like to do that"

She: "no, no, it's ok, the rules are stupid"

Me, large eyes: "The Rules are stupiiiid?"

she: "hm, well,no, they are not stupid in general, they are right, but....in this case you should do this"

 

She is divorced, in her 50s and she has a boyfriend who is described as "painfully shy" and whom she pursued. She said "if I followed the rules, I wouldn't be with such a wonderful person like X". OK. She's projecting?

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I agree that cooking is cultural thing. I can only speak for myself/my continent however

 

In my country of origin/continent, cooking is a way "showing affection and love". Women tend to be very domesticated and "take care" of thier men while men are supposed to be the financial providers and the pursuers. Sort of a patriarchal arrangement.

 

However I think it's a bit too early to invite himself to dinner at yours lol.

 

I wouldn't pay much mind to him. I wouldn't ignore him either but would definitely lower my expectations as he appears :vapid! ( I just learnt a new word and I'm a native English speaker lol)

Edited by Sunshine87
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The cooking thing doesn't bother me much, I understand it, I'm from Eastern Europe and we have similar ideas there. But in any case, I don't think I'm sending any text on Thursday. I don't want a man like my ex (although I kinda liked my ex for about 20 years lol), but I think the therapist is also projecting a bit her own situation and insecurities (she's from the same country as the guy). If the guy cares, he'll man up and come to me, if not, he's "vapid" anyway, so what's the point? I don't need/want to be married, my biological clock is not ticking, so I don't think I should put up with too much stuff like this. Yes, giving chances, OK, but not going to lengths to attract a person I'm not enjoying being around much. The only thing would be, if he goes over the shyness, maybe loosens up, mans up and pursue, maybe he'll paint a different picture and be himself in a different way, but so far, not holding my breath.

Edited by BluEyeL
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Another interesting thing that the therapist said to me was: "you won't find a man with the same personality as you, you need to accept those less lively" and that I tend to go to extremes "all or nothing". Then, she printed a list of "distorted thinking patterns", which include "all or nothing" or extremes "type of thinking". She said I shouldn't put everyone into one mold and reject anyone who doesn't fit there. I'm getting more and more confused. I totally give up, no men in my funnel anyway:laugh: That's an extreme, she's right, I'm going to the "nothing" stage.:laugh:

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Tell your therapist to fix up one of her Pakistani girlfriends with this guy if she thinks he is so great. Or dump her own boyfriend for him.

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