crrgoers Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 To begin with, I am a gay Caucasian male in his late 20s. Approximately 2 months ago I met a man on the internet who said in the by-line of his ad that he was "looking for nice people to hang out with." Anyway, after our first date, I really liked him. However, he came off as very, very shy. Just to give some insight into his personality, I asked him if he wanted to come in on the first date. He replied with an apathetic "for a little while, sure". Well, when he got into my apartment, he started flirting with me (e.g., saying my hands were cold and grabbing my hands). At the end of the night, I told him I would call him Thurs. and make plans for a date on Saturday. Well, I got cold feet about him and did not call on Thursday. Friday, I opened my e-mail and, in another odd move, he sent a really, really odd email that's still imprinted in my mind: "Had fun at dinner and talking to you. Hoping I'm not too weird for you. Hope you're well." The "Hope I'm not too weird for you" made sense because I'm a psychiatrist and he does come off as very odd (in a pathologically shy sense, not in a flamboyant sense.) I figured that was his indirect way of saying he was intersted in going out again, so I callled him and made a second date. Anyway, on the second date we ended up talkiing till 5 am and he stayed over. We didn't do anything but cuddle. At one point in the evening he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. Well, that sounded logical because we had just started dating and imo, no one is going to explicitly say he/she wants a relationship. When I went to kiss him, he turned back saying kissing was too intimate. To fast forward, we went on 3-5 dates in 3 weeks and talked on the phone a lot in between. Many of our quasi-dates were just going out to eat and talking. 2 times he has called me in the afternoon and left messages on my machine wanting me to come over. Well, after month one of no kissing, I asked him in a very, very passive way why we weren't kissing. He said it wasn't a relationship. Remaining calm I asked him if he slept with all his friends. He looked confused and said that he didn't and that he guessed we were doing things he only would do in relationships (i.e., sleep with the other person, spend a lot of the weekends together, etc.) I really, really like him, so I kind of put my pride aside and said that since we met on the internet and things had gone so well so far, that we should agree to casually date. We operationally defined "casual dating" as being free to see other people but still dating. Well, I never thought I would hear from him again. I called him the following MOnday, no answer. I went to work that eve and he called me back. When I got in later that Monday eve, it was too late to call him back. He called again on Tuesday giving me his work and cell # and saying to call him if I got any breaks at the hospital where I work. I didn't get any breaks. I called him that night and he answered the phone and said he had company. Well, he called me around 9 pm and said it was his mom (whom he's not out to). I am positive it was her. However, I felt it odd he felt the need to tell me who was with him since we agreed to date casually. Well, on the rare occassions when he doesn't answer the phone, he tells me where he was (with his mom, friend,etc.) Why do you suppose he does that? We have dated for 2 mos. The week after he told me it wasn't a relationship and we agreed to casually date, he called on Thursday asking if we could go out Sat or Sun. I told him that I wish I could but I was busy. That Sunday morning I called him and said I had just been to NYC to the clubs all night. He asked what I had planned for the rest of the day --- I said sleep. Here is where it gets really odd, he asked if I could spare an hour to see him. I said sure and he just came over and we cuddled. I just felt that was odd behavior for casual friends. Then 2 weeks ago we were together cuddling in bed and he quickly kissed me on the cheek -- a first. He then did it 5-6 times more. I was kind of startled and felt dumb when I said "thanks for the kiss." This last weekend I couldn't go out again because I had to work. Well, I told him I would call him on Saturday night. WHen I called, he was gone. I am sure I registered on his caller ID. The next day he called, and I was at work. Sunday night he sent an e-mail that told me he went to a wedding on Sat and then went to a gay club on Sat night and met 2 guys who were friends. He then commented on how one was a psychologist (being in a similar field to mine). He then commented that he wanted to go to NYC for a weekend soon and asked if he could call me at the hospital during the day. I can't read this guy for anything. I talked to his ex boyfriend and his ex told me that this guy is very unaffectionate (because he's shy, not because he's cold), scared of everything (including being out to his parents at 31 y/o), and very eccentric. THat is why they ended. I have very deep feelings for this guy, though. However, if he's not opening up, I need to move on. If I say anything directly to him, he'll flee. If you were in this scenario and liked this guy, what kind of vibes would you be getting (i.e, is he slowly opening up, etc.?) Why would anyone tell me he went to a club and met 2 nice guys? Why did he need to see me so badly when I got back from NYC that day? Why is he just now kissing me on the cheek? This guy is sending such horrible mixed signals. I apologize for the long post, and I thank anybody in advance for his/her replies Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Physician heal thyself. It isn't until after weeks of dating that you find out he's a psychologist? And if he is a psychologist then surely he would be well aware of the signals he's sending you. Do you want to get involved with someone who is so shy that after weeks all you get is a kiss on the cheek? Despite what the former b/f said, I would tend to think that this guy is playing with your head & your emotions & he's well aware of it. If he isn't then he should be seeing a psychologist (or pyschiatrist) to get over this fear of intimacy and fear of everything. Do you want to be his doctor or his b/f? You said it yourself - if he doesn't open up ( and he hasn't ) you need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crrgoers Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 sorry if it wasn't clear -- one of the guys he met at the club was a psychologist... Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Oh well, remove that sentence from my post then - the rest stays the same. Your social life should be fun, especially when you first start dating someone new. This guy sounds like too much work, don't you get enough of that in the hospital? Don't invest any more time or effort on trying to figure him out. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there without these kinds of intimacy and fear issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Beth Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I tend to agree with bluechocolate here. He's in his 30's and is still not out to his mom. That sends up big red flags in my mind. Whatever the sexual orientation -- a person in their 30's who is still not honest with their parents about their life has some issues that will interfere in any relationship. It sounds like he is living on the edges of his life and that is not healthy. Perhaps, because of your feelings for him and your desire for companionship & love (not necessarily a committed relationship) you are not seeing all of the warning signs. That is natural in a relationship. It would be nice to be able to help him, but if you want to be his doctor then don't be his lover. It's not a good mix and either one will greatly hinder the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crrgoers Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 Thanks for the replies, I guess I need time to think about what you said. The theme of both of your replies makes perfect sense: Dating should be fun, not painful. And the situation we are in is very painful and part of me wants to move on. However, another part of me wonders how I am going to do that. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
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