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When I show backbone, it pisses them off, but....


irc333

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...when someone else shows back bone or stands up to a woman....she wants him even more.

 

You know...I always hear how when a woman likes a guy that can up for himself, sets her straight and doesn't let her walk all over him.

 

But, when I get to a point where I stand up to a woman, it pisses them off, and quite frankly, they never want to talk to me again.

 

Is it all just a myth, or a case of her not getting her way instead?

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Poppy fields

I think it depends on the situation. And the woman.

 

It sounds like you have had a string of bad luck.

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No woman likes a doormat on the one hand, or a real arrogant jerk on the other.

 

It's likely your delivery that's the problem.

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JourneyLady
...when someone else shows back bone or stands up to a woman....she wants him even more.

 

You know...I always hear how when a woman likes a guy that can up for himself, sets her straight and doesn't let her walk all over him.

 

But, when I get to a point where I stand up to a woman, it pisses them off, and quite frankly, they never want to talk to me again.

 

Is it all just a myth, or a case of her not getting her way instead?

 

hmmm... For me it would depend on how you do it. If a guy can stand up and say to me, no I don't want to do (whatever). That's fine. If he's really into me, I'd like an alternative, of course. But if he's abusive and says "you want to do (whatever), you're just (insert negative label here) and I don't want to do that."

 

Yeah, that would piss me off. Getting told I'm (whatever undesirable label he happens to use) just because we differ in how we handle things, that's just jerk behavior.

 

I think it's hard on most guys. They haven't been raised on how to stand firm without getting abusive, or angry, or doing withdrawal. The message needs to be "I'm into you, I like you, but I will NOT do this! (With alternatives where it is possible...)

 

:-)

Edited by JourneyLady
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todreaminblue
...when someone else shows back bone or stands up to a woman....she wants him even more.

 

You know...I always hear how when a woman likes a guy that can up for himself, sets her straight and doesn't let her walk all over him.

 

But, when I get to a point where I stand up to a woman, it pisses them off, and quite frankly, they never want to talk to me again.

 

Is it all just a myth, or a case of her not getting her way instead?

 

i think a guy who has backbone on what he values and believes to be true....is a good thing..as is honesty...........as another poster said arrogance is another...and there is a definite line........standing up doesnt mean to be ignorant of the other persons beliefs and values....and a calm and rational approach is having a backbone......if you stand up ....it shouldnt be to put another down but merely to show you stand strong to what you believe in...agreeing with anothers beliefs is also having a backbone if you truly believe in what they say..you dont argue for arguments sake..definitely not to prove you are a man by not agreeing with a woman ....deb

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We don't see you in real life irc333. And I fully acknowledge some of it might be on the women. BUT we do read your posts here...

 

Sometimes you do come across as somewhat meddling. That you care enough to post all these threads about bad OLD profiles of random women on here... I can just somehow picture you badgering a woman into a "debate" as far as whether she is conducting her dating life "correctly". :laugh: Or, teasing her about something she is sensitive about in a way that most socially astute people wouldn't do.

Edited by Imajerk17
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If you get worked up when standing up for yourself, she may see that as weakness instead of strength. And if a certain type of person senses weakness, they go in for the kill.

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i think a guy who has backbone on what he values and believes to be true....is a good thing..as is honesty...........as another poster said arrogance is another...and there is a definite line........standing up doesnt mean to be ignorant of the other persons beliefs and values....and a calm and rational approach is having a backbone......if you stand up ....it shouldnt be to put another down but merely to show you stand strong to what you believe in...agreeing with anothers beliefs is also having a backbone if you truly believe in what they say..you dont argue for arguments sake..definitely not to prove you are a man by not agreeing with a woman ....deb

 

 

Good points there, I was indeed rational with this one...she went off into a tirade.

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If you get worked up when standing up for yourself, she may see that as weakness instead of strength. And if a certain type of person senses weakness, they go in for the kill.

 

Yes. That you get so emotionally invested about the dating behaviors of women you've never even met (such as their bad OLD profiles) or hardly know makes me wonder if you are getting too worked up.

 

As I said before though, some of it might be them. Such as with the last one...

 

EDIT: Also, ironically that you are waiting so long to say something means that when you finally do, she isn't used to you saying it at all and so it actually might come across as mean and too much "the final straw". Versus some guys who teasingly call out girls early with a smile on their faces so that she gets the message that he is not to be messed with in a fun way.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Also, ironically that you are waiting so long to say something means that when you finally do

 

You might have a point there, but....would you say having done one too many phone conversations with her (about 3) before I finally decided to say something...was still "too long"...but, though, I didn't think it was an entire waste of time...since we haven't even met yet.

 

During those 3 phone conversations, I was still trying to get a read on her.

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You might have a point there, but....would you say having done one too many phone conversations with her (about 3) before I finally decided to say something...was still "too long"...but, though, I didn't think it was an entire waste of time...since we haven't even met yet.

 

During those 3 phone conversations, I was still trying to get a read on her.

 

If you have an approach that is strong but affable, there is no reason to wait. It's part of the banter to challenge each other in a playful way. It can be very attractive.

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todreaminblue
If you have an approach that is strong but affable, there is no reason to wait. It's part of the banter to challenge each other in a playful way. It can be very attractive.

 

 

key words .......playful banter.....deb

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But, when I get to a point where I stand up to a woman, it pisses them off, and quite frankly, they never want to talk to me again.

 

This is your gift. Be thankful, IMO.

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ScreamingTrees

Maybe you're not attractive enough for them to not care about you having a back bone? Maybe they just see you as a dick, rather than someone who has a back bone?

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Mme. Chaucer

If you haven't even met the person, I don't understand where "showing backbone," especially in the sense of "setting her straight" would even be appropriate. If she's trying to "walk all over you" online or on the phone, just, next! If it pisses her off, you don't ever even need to know.

 

Backbone - you have it or you don't; it certainly can be developed. It's like boundaries. If you have them and somebody's walking all over them, you stand your ground. It's strength. If somebody doesn't like that, then they probably don't really like YOU and you don't need them.

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OP, you've had a couple of deals going...the older lady who was 'settling' but was going to meet you anyway.....then I recall another post about a lady who was ranting on drinkers and smokers or something like that. Etc, Etc.

 

Presuming you've met these ladies in person, and found your boundaries violated, what was your response when 'standing up for yourself' and/or 'setting them straight' and was the interaction in person?

 

I can tell you when I get into serious boundary breaches, the red tape starts playing and my CCW training to remain calm helps to defeat it and I generally state something like 'that's unacceptable' before walking away. I was socialized to be physically and emotionally non-violent but trust me the potential is there, as a few folks have found out over the decades. How do you handle such situations? For myself, at the point of such interactions, the lady (in this case) is already zeroed out, so I really don't care whether she likes my response or not. You apparently think it's some kind of mating dance. Hope it works out.

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For me it's all about consistency. If someone's a pushover and then suddenly grows a spine? Annoying. I like to know what to expect. If you're flip-flopping, how am I supposed to know who the "real you" is?

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Context would help like another poster said...

 

I was actually going to make a thread about this. Calling a woman out on her behavior has never worked. Was it my delivery? Were they not that into me? Who knows. What I do know is plenty of women want to have it their way and call the shots and when you stand your ground they hate it. The last girl I dated tried to change movies a couple hours before our last date and I said let's stick with the original plans and I get radio silence until I tell her I'm at the theatre and she finally responds back she lost track if time. Well looking back she was probably throwing a tantrum because she didn't get her way. I put two and two together and noticed a pattern forming. After our first date she asked to FB me and I said we just met and she was really persistant and I teased her about it and finally told her I'd do it and then I get radio silence until I call her and ask her out for our next date.

 

So the answer is that there are women who DON'T want a man with backbone and women who do. As to what the percentages are I have no clue! I've got some dating exp under my belt and I think I know how to sniff out the latter type so I'm thankful for that.

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...when someone else shows back bone or stands up to a woman....she wants him even more.

 

You know...I always hear how when a woman likes a guy that can up for himself, sets her straight and doesn't let her walk all over him.

 

But, when I get to a point where I stand up to a woman, it pisses them off, and quite frankly, they never want to talk to me again.

 

Is it all just a myth, or a case of her not getting her way instead?

 

Once someone starts disrespecting you, you need to put that down immediately and stand up for yourself if you let it slide they'll never respect you, and any attempt you make to stand up for yourself will be met with hostility. That's just what I've learned when I was in grade school being bullied, it probably still stands today and works for most situations.

 

Now back to women, I don't let women walk over me, but since they aren't attracted to me to begin with I know I'm not making myself anymore attractive by standing up for myself, but that's not what matters. Besides I don't want a girl who disrespects me in the first place.

 

As for guys standing up to the girl getting the girl that really only works if that woman is already attracted to, and if she's the type that loves disrespecting people that guy who isn't putting up with it seems instantly more attractive and different than the other guys.

Edited by Necris
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Eternal Sunshine

It seems like "showing backbone" to you guys is happening while chatting online or on first few dates. Frankly at that early stage, it just comes across as caring too much and weird. If things are not flowing well and they are already disrespecting you, all you do is next them.

 

People are on their best behavior then, if they care at all. Chances are, it's a simple case of them being not that into you.

 

And you never show backbone to impress women, you show it to assert your boundaries.

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If she's disrespecting you then end it period. It shouldn't matter whether she likes you at that point.

 

A girl went on a first date with me specifically because I disagreed with one of her favorite movies. She said guys are always trying to be too nice but I gave her my sincere opinion even though it differed from hers. She brought this up several times to me.

 

Think of it as being yourself and leaving it up to her whether she finds that attractive or not.

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I can tell you when I get into serious boundary breaches, the red tape starts playing and my CCW training to remain calm helps to defeat it and I generally state something like 'that's unacceptable' before walking away. I was socialized to be physically and emotionally non-violent but trust me the potential is there, as a few folks have found out over the decades. How do you handle such situations? For myself, at the point of such interactions, the lady (in this case) is already zeroed out, so I really don't care whether she likes my response or not. You apparently think it's some kind of mating dance. Hope it works out.

 

This sounds like you're actually having to consciously fight against being violent towards a woman you've found to cross your boundaries. :eek:

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You sometimes display an inability to interpret social cues and when you start with a soft approach then switch to hard they get blindsided. People don't like it when others make a 180. They'll more readily put up with an ass through and through than one who is an ass sometimes.

 

Not sure where you're going with this. I'm an easy going guy but if you cross me you're gonna know it. Does that count as a 180? The pont is be yourself and if a boundary is crossed let them know in a "fair but firm" manner.

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