Becks84 Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 If you've read any of my past posts you may have noticed my mentioning of the constant drinking issue in my relationship. My boyfriend likes to drink and have a good time. It seems like his main concern to me. He has done like a 160...haha not quite a 180...for me though. We have argued and disagreed numerous times about drinking. I began dating him when he was still in college and he was a party animal. I had fun with it too though at first...until we got serious; I then got sick of him always being drunk. He can be a stupid drunk. It has caused problems between us...nothing too major except for one instance; just annoying and frustrating I guess. A few months ago, I finally threatened to break things off. I stayed away from him for a couple of weeks to really let him think things through. (I thought maybe he too would find he was unhappy - maybe I nagged too much - maybe he was being held back from what he really wanted to do...) I told him to make a decision, and then I too would decide what I was going to do. He is well aware of my background and my feelings on drinking. He has since cut way back on drinking...which means never during the week except for special occasions, and maybe one night on the weekend. But when those weekends come around, I always get nervous because he seems to binge drink. To me it's as if he's just been waiting to drink since he doesn't do it all week long. THis is scary to me, but some people think I am over reacting. Both of my parents were alcoholics...so drinking scares me. Although I do drink myself, it's very seldom and I am responsible about it. My guy on the other hand is not. I always worry about him, and I worry about the future of our relationship because he hurt me badly one time due to drinking, and I vowed never to allow it again. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to hurt me again or hurt himself or someone else. He assures me my worrying is a waste of time and energy, but I can't shake the feeling. I'm not quite 21 yet so these past 2 years have been rough with me never being able to go out with him -- to most places anyway. He tells me not to give up on him, and to just wait and see how much better it will be when I can always be with him. He assures me he wishes I were always there. But I tell him that even when I am 21, drinking & bars still won't be at the top of my list! I guess I just wonder if we're going nowhere and if it simply just can't work because of this huge issue and because of how different we are. Or is it me who who has issues, rather than me always blaming him? I'm curious what some of you think and I am curious to hear about some similar situations!! Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 He scares you when he's drunk, you're worried, your weekend time is full of anxiety, you've broken up over this issue before, he thinks things will get better when you're old enough to go drinking with him....... I'm not quite 21 yet so these past 2 years have been rough with me never being able to go out with him -- to most places anyway. Huh? He should be doing stuff that can include you, not excluding you because you're not old enough to drink. What does this tell you about his priorities? I think you should end this relationship. You're family history with alcohol should be enough for you to know NOT to get involved with someone who drinks heavily, even if it is just binge drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becks84 Posted May 11, 2004 Author Share Posted May 11, 2004 He does spend A LOT of time with me - practically all of our time is together! I guess I explained that wrong. (sorry!) When he does drink now, it's maybe every other weekend, one night of the weekend, with his guy friends. The other nights (weekday and weekend) are with me, unless I have other plans. He really is great, and really wants this to work. He has made every effort and does all he can to make me happy. But like I said, there's this constant worry in the back of my head that because he drinks, and esp because of the way I have seen him get from drinking too much, that something bad is bound to happen and that will be the end of us -- although he assures me I should not worry about such things. Yet still I worry that we're wasting our time together because we're just doomed. I don't know if this is ridiculous of me or not! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 You're not an idiot to worry. Unfortunately, the nature of addiction is that he may well be assuring you of something he believes he can achieve - but he won't be able to. It's too bad he won't offer to quit drinking entirely. Knowing that, you are wise to be cautious. Link to post Share on other sites
LILUIL Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Originally posted by Becks84 I always worry about him, and I worry about the future of our relationship because he hurt me badly one time due to drinking, and I vowed never to allow it again. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to hurt me again or hurt himself or someone else. He assures me my worrying is a waste of time and energy, but I can't shake the feeling. I've been in those shoes. If he ever lays his hands on you again, walk the door, get out of there. Any man who lays his hands on a woman does not deserve your affection. In my cases, I believed my ex for more than five months each time he said he would stop. I was a fool who thought I will never live without him. Now looking back, I have no regrets walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
WantingSerenity Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Unfortunatley I have been in similar shoes. Not only ones like yours but like your boyfriends as well. I am an alcoholic. Now I can't call your boyfriend one, it's not my place, that is something he needs to discover on his own. I write to you today to tell you the truth and be honest on my experience. It may not be exactlly like yours but maybe there will be something that you can relate to and identify with. And what I say is not meant to hurt, though the truth does hurt sometimes. For starters your boyfriend has an addiction to alcohol, he doesn't need to quit drinking for you. He needs to do it for himself. If he quits for you and you alone he will end up resenting you for it and go back to it with a vengence. And this is the most important thing you need to know .... It's not that he doesn't love you that he won't quit. It has absolutley nothing to do with you, you MUST believe this. And you need to know that you can't change him he can only change himself and you can only change you. I drank for several years and lost a lot of people. It wasn't because I didn't love or care about them it was because I was an alcoholic and I couldn't stop drinking. When I had enough (and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired) it was then and only then I quit drinking. Now that's only if he is an alcoholic. You can't keep blaming him for his actions if you are willing to stay in the situation. You have a choice too. He won't have to think about his drinking if you are still there after a drunk. But you need to take care of you. If this is taking a toll on you, you need to make a choice him or your happiness. You don't have to put up with his behaviour. I know that you love him and want to be with him, but, drinking seems to be an obstacle. It sounds like you have had experience in the past with drinking, maybe a family member? If that's the case you know that it causes lots of problems. There are support groups out there for people who have family members who drink. Maybe that can be an option. The best of luck to you and take care of yourself !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becks84 Posted May 14, 2004 Author Share Posted May 14, 2004 Thank you everyone for the replies. You have all been more helpful than you know. Just to clear one thing up -- "LILUIL": he has never hurt me physically!! I meant emotionally, he really hurt my feelings - kind of cheated on me - it's in my other posts. Also extremely bad though, I know. "WantingSerenity": Both of my parents were alcoholics while I was growing up...my b/f is not like them! Some people in my life, who see us together and know us, tell me they personally wouldnt be so hard on him, but they can see where I am coming from only because of my past experiences. That's why I say this has a lot to do with me. The thought crosses my mind that perhaps I can only be truly happy for the rest of my life with someone who doesnt drink, or hardly ever anyway -- like me. ???? Thanks again everyone! Anymore thoughts would be appreciated -becks Link to post Share on other sites
LILUIL Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Originally posted by Becks84 "LILUIL": he has never hurt me physically!! I meant emotionally, he really hurt my feelings - kind of cheated on me - it's in my other posts. I get angry when i hear another man raising his hands on a woman coz i've been there..... yeah, the emotional kind of pain is the hardest to bear..... you take care sweetie.... Link to post Share on other sites
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