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Is love worth it?


BluEyeL

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I'm quite new here and in the dating world. I'm sure this must have been discussed already, but haven't seen it, and I'm wondering about it. I'm in my early 40s and have been in a looong relationship, my first and only, it started when I was 18. Divorced in 2009, took a long time to really finish things off with the ex, and have been dating for three months now. First dates rarely move to second dates. Already had my first heartbreak and I'm not over it, still hurts at an incredible level considering the superficial level of the "relationship", I've only been out with the guy three times and had no sex (posted about it here, and was told he wanted only sex and will never hear from him again, and I didn't so far). I am anxious about dating, and afraid that I will keep feeling this prolonged pain, after a few fleeting moments of bliss. Dating is all I think about all day long. Therefore, being first time in my life that I'm really dating, having also gone through a difficult break up, I start to question whether the sex, the closeness, all that, is really worth the pain when it all ends? Being in the marriage, and never on the "market" before, I didn't know it would feel so ****ty, really. I've only done it for three months and don't know how much longer I can do it. Yet, the thought of being done with that part of my life is unsettling. No sex from now on? No one to hold...forever? Can barely focus at work too. Have a great, established career, make low six figures, great life, friends, one great kid, I get to travel etc.....maybe just focusing on those good things and forgoing the other part of the life would just be easier. Any thoughts? Dating gets any easier? Do you get more desensitized in time? I hope so...

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apple OR orange

Likely not worth it, ive not done sex since the late 90's (almost 40 now), ive heard every reason what i do wrong, and why every women on the planet is messed up as they dont have me..... so basics is..

 

If you cant find someone for who you are, your best to stop looking, do something else in life and dont expect others to "find" you as it likely wont happen.

 

Ive sent pics on the internet and never hear back, i never get dates so ive taken the very large hint nature gives me, and worked on other things in my life instead (all of which dont involve other people),

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ImperfectionisBeauty

At this point in my life I would have to say no, not worth it.

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You're three months past divorce. Give yourself a little time to heal, even a year or two, before jumping back into the saddle.

 

For now, date for fun instead of rushing into anything serious. This way, you get re-attuned to the dating rituals and signals and get your groove back.

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ChessPieceFace

Actually she's more than 3 YEARS distant from her divorce.

 

OP, sounds like you are desperate. Showing that desperation will drive people away. Also sounds like you're trying to race back toward finding a new soulmate and a marriage that's happy. Again, that smacks of desperation and will drive people away. Not to mention unrealistic.

 

Additionally there's the fact that you are divorced, thus indicating that you may not be easy to get along with and may have serious issues which will get in the way of your happiness.

 

Instead of pining away for an instant soulmate, how about finding friends you can have fun with. And unless you got divorced due to some heinous act by your husband, then admit to yourself that there are probably things about yourself you need to seriously improve on. Otherwise the next marriage won't go any better than the last one. So ultimately you're just racing toward a new divorce ...

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Is love worth it?

 

If I can find a woman that's anything like my late-wife, HADES yeah! :) Still looking and hoping to find someone who is not too badly damaged by past relationships. Shoot, the more I date, the more I'm becoming one the "too" damaged.

 

But, haven't have total hope. I may not be certain if I'll find love again, but I am certain that the absence of it is not an alternative right now.:)

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Ninjainpajamas

You sound like you're in a bad emotional place right now, and everyone gets there and some people stay there for quite a while.

 

You've got to be a bit more solid and balanced going into the dating world...taking the good and the bad instead of exaggerating the woes and emotionally imploding because you always have these high expectations just because you meet someone you like, then you're worried about trust and all of that with a new person when in reality you should just be taking your time getting to know them and not rushing in emotionally, because that's what usually gets people in trouble...but people don't ever want to slow that down because that's part of the "thrill"....well, you can't have a both ways often times, because you've got to be able to see things within a balance and detect any red flags and compatibilities, people simply "love" like it's just some feeling you are supposed to have. I don't think people realize how often what is being experienced is simply being mistaken as "love" in the first place. Because if you size it up to what you really think is love, it's usually much different or much greater than what you're experiencing with that person or moment....but people get tunnel vision, they just think it should be unlike anything else in life...easy.

 

The main issue is you're not over your heartbreak, that's going to have a phenomenal impact on you emotionally at this point. You need to take a step back and do another reset or you're just going to carry that vulnerability with you, and guys who are out to use women will be on you like bloodhounds...women who are vulnerable/desperate give off this stench that men can pick up and many only look to capitalize on that.

 

The world is not over or doomed of love, I think you just gotta deal with this past heartbreak so that you're not in emotionally vulnerable state, because what will happen is you'll meet some guy you like and you'll be in this ridiculous emotional mistrusting state, with likely a guy you cannot trust, and with no reason but your own brain washing you'll tell yourself maybe you need to take a leap of faith because this is "it" and just go with it...then you'll end up screwed over because you'd have ignored everything else there is to that relationship/situation and person, you'll ignore everything about the guy you should have been paying attention to. Then you'll be kicking yourself for "trusting" the guy, when he likely did very little to earn/gain it but a few misinterpreted words/actions exacerbated by your own emotional will and desire to fall in love...even though you were in denial of it at the time.

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Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it, even those that are completely off (the one with me being difficult to get along with because I'm divorced, talk about pointless-afterall we got along for 20yrs, I think that's a success compared to others). I thought I was in a good place, that's why I waited more than 3 years post divorce to start dating. No problem dating guys I didn't really care for, even if they rejected me. I can easily get dates, I average 2-3/wk, rarely a week without a date. Problem is, I've met about 20 men and fell for one unexpectedly fast. So that's the heart break I'm not over, because it happened just 2 weeks ago, not 3 years ago (the divorce). Didn't expect to hurt so bad getting over someone I barely know, wth?? So from here, and from reading the "heartbreak, coping forum, how much suffering there that my eyes well up (even the men suffer), I started to wonder if love is really worth the heartbreak. I've never really been in break ups before, so I'm not trained like others. Met ex husband at 18, no break up for 20 years!! Then waited 3 years to get over it, and fall for a guy I've met 3 times?? Glad didn't sleep with him, maybe I'd be hysterical now. Wonder how I can train my brain to prevent this from happening again, while being open to love. Tough. I think I'll go through the next three dates (Th, F, Sat), and take a break to recover from this setback.

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MoreThanThat

20 dates in 3 months? Dang that is a lot. Do you know what you're looking for? Perhaps spend more time filtering people out before you go out?

 

Given what you said you make, it might be worthwhile finding a coach to help you sort through things.

 

There are a lot of great guys out there.

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Esoteric Elf

Unrequited love, unrequited lust, desire, passion, sex, crush, etc.

 

There are so many terms in the mix that love, although used the most, has lost meaning. I am unsure of how the feeling of love has survived in the 21st century; by what I see around me, not well at all, but, then again, who am I to judge?

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curlygirl40

There is a line in a country song that I have quoted often.

 

'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all'.

 

It's part of life and dating. And yes it hurts and it sucks but the alternative is to be alone forever. I'm willing to take the risk.

 

And you might not want to hear this but it took me about 2 years once I started dating to really get my wits about me with the whole thing. I am looking at dating so much differently now than I did 2 years ago when I first started.

 

I've had my heart broken twice, I've met a small handful of guys who I would have liked to see again but didn't feel the same. And I've broken a few hearts myself. It happens. It's part of dating. Everything happens for a reason. One day you'll meet someone and you'll realize why it didn't work out with that other guy. You have to believe that.

 

The fact that you feel obsessed is not good though, the thinking about it all day long thing.

 

I have read many relationship books and also routinely read Evan Marc Katz's blog. It took me a while to feel like I really have the hang of it, but now it's much easier than it was.

 

Best of luck!!

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There is a line in a country song that I have quoted often.

 

'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all'.

 

It's part of life and dating. And yes it hurts and it sucks but the alternative is to be alone forever. I'm willing to take the risk.

 

And you might not want to hear this but it took me about 2 years once I started dating to really get my wits about me with the whole thing. I am looking at dating so much differently now than I did 2 years ago when I first started.

 

I've had my heart broken twice, I've met a small handful of guys who I would have liked to see again but didn't feel the same. And I've broken a few hearts myself. It happens. It's part of dating. Everything happens for a reason. One day you'll meet someone and you'll realize why it didn't work out with that other guy. You have to believe that.

 

The fact that you feel obsessed is not good though, the thinking about it all day long thing.

 

I have read many relationship books and also routinely read Evan Marc Katz's blog. It took me a while to feel like I really have the hang of it, but now it's much easier than it was.

 

Best of luck!!

 

Thanks, and thanks for sharing your experience, it is really useful! Your message was empathetic, I appreciate that. What relationship books have you read, maybe I can read one of yours too? I've read several books as well, don't know if they are "relationship books" or not: "The Rules of Online Dating", "He's Just Not That Into You", "Why Men Love Bitches" etc. All of that went out the window once I liked someone. Or not all though, I'm glad I read those, or I could have been in more trouble, given my lack of real life experience before this stint. I liked how you said that once it works I'll know why this one wasn't supposed to work out, makes a lot of sense and gives me hope. It's not what I wanted to hear when you said that you got your heart broken a couple of times. I guess all I'm trying to say all along is that I'm afraid of the heartbreak I feel now, I don't want to keep feeling like this, but it seems to be inevitable when you are single and dating. That's why I'm tempted to call it quits and just relax and live a life without love.

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20 dates in 3 months? Dang that is a lot. Do you know what you're looking for? Perhaps spend more time filtering people out before you go out?

 

Given what you said you make, it might be worthwhile finding a coach to help you sort through things.

 

There are a lot of great guys out there.

 

Yes, it's a bit much, I'll take your advice and cut back. I have actually four dates this week, another one called tonight, and scheduled him on Sunday, he didn't want the following weekend. So that sounds exaggerated. I usually only go out with people with bachelors degrees or preferably above (I have a Ph.D.), who seem nice and polite, ask me out first, travel to me (not from very far), don't have shirtless pictures in profiles, don't call me "babe" or whatever other faux pas...:)) I think that before I see the person, unless they are being rude or inappropriate, I'd like to see their eyes, so I accept to go to a coffee date or whatever. Cutting back might help me not think about dating so much in general and heal this recent heartbreak. I also think I'm a bit stiff/too professional on dates, I think I need to work on that as well.

 

Also, what does it mean "date for fun?". Does "fun" include casual sex? I don't do that, but it seems to be the expectation?? Sex is not done for "fun" by women in my book, but maybe I'm weird.

Edited by BluEyeL
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Life is beautiful with or without love

Or

Life is horrible with or without love

 

Just try to appreciate it and deal with what you have, something good might come along :)

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curlygirl40
Thanks, and thanks for sharing your experience, it is really useful! Your message was empathetic, I appreciate that. What relationship books have you read, maybe I can read one of yours too? I've read several books as well, don't know if they are "relationship books" or not: "The Rules of Online Dating", "He's Just Not That Into You", "Why Men Love Bitches" etc. All of that went out the window once I liked someone. Or not all though, I'm glad I read those, or I could have been in more trouble, given my lack of real life experience before this stint. I liked how you said that once it works I'll know why this one wasn't supposed to work out, makes a lot of sense and gives me hope. It's not what I wanted to hear when you said that you got your heart broken a couple of times. I guess all I'm trying to say all along is that I'm afraid of the heartbreak I feel now, I don't want to keep feeling like this, but it seems to be inevitable when you are single and dating. That's why I'm tempted to call it quits and just relax and live a life without love.

 

I think it doesn't get any better than 'He's just not that into you'. It is very black and white as far as realizing that a guy isn't into you so you should move along. He could be fishing, he could be keeping you on the back burner, he could just want sex out of the deal. Sometimes women take the smallest things and think it means they are interested but yet, like the book says, unless he's doing XY and Z, he's not.

 

The recent 2 that I just read were written by Jess McCann. 'You lost him at hello' and 'Was it something I said?'. I liked both of those books. Was it something I said deals with real life situations and how to handle them. What to say to a guy in this situation, when he asks you this, etc.

 

As an example when a guy asks you 'are you seeing other people?' she recommends in some situations to just say 'not exclusively'. Bam. Great answer I never would have thought of.

 

The biggest thing is just to find a way to calm down about the whole thing and try to go with the flow. It's tough, I know.

 

The best way I have found to do this is this.

 

My life is good. Great actually. If I lived the rest of my life and it never changed from how it is today, I would be a happy girl. Great friends, supportive/loving family. My life is so good right now. If I meet someone who makes that life even better, then that's perfect. But if I don't, I'm still happier than I have ever been right at this moment.

 

I also am a big believer in the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. I do believe that life will work out exactly the way it's supposed to, so if someone is not in my life then there's a reason for that.

 

I also think I'm pretty f'n awesome, so if a guy chooses to go in a different direction, it's his loss. I know there will be someone out there who will adore me and treat me with respect. In the meantime, I'm happy anyway.

 

I didn't get here overnight though.

 

Best of luck.

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There is a line in a country song that I have quoted often.

 

'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all'.

 

 

 

I've had more than a few heartbreaks in the past several years that I've been dating, since my divorce. The pain from each one seemed unbearable at the time but for me, it was better than not feeling anything or feeling nonchalant about the end of a romance/relationship. I don't want to be that jaded. I wish I could say it gets easier cause it doesn't seem so, although you hopefully learn some coping mechanisms to help you deal with each new heartbreak.

 

I do OLD and I think I'm pretty good at screening out those I have little compatibility with (yeah, in spite of none of them working out long term, YET :laugh:). In the past five years, I think I've met face-to-face about 20 guys and have had a 2-year, and a 15-month relationship that ended last year. I'm an incurable romantic so yes, I think it's worth it, despite the (more often than not, inevitable) heartbreak.

 

Years from now, you'll look back at this period of your life and wonder why you wasted so much emotion on this guy.

 

I firmly believe that you have to be happy and contented being on your own in order to be happy sharing your life with another person. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, join meetup groups, and make new or nurture old friends.

 

Good luck.

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Curlygirl, thanks, I'll read those, I'll buy them right now on Kindle, appreciate the support. I liked everything you said, and it applies to me 100% :) I know I'm amazing and all :laugh:, I was hurting a bit and started to ask myself: I have a great life (like you said), why the heck am I even doing all this sh** with dating, to make it worse??? :)) I was much happier after the divorce 2009-2012, with the said fabulous life, friends blah blah.... Hope I can control those feelings better. In fact, for some unknown reason, I already feel way better today, hmm....

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Suziee, thanks and good luck to you too! I would say your experience was rather successful, with two relationships. You are also telling me that heartbreak is inevitable, "several" of them in the past few years? It is scary, but it seems that I lived in am emotional bubble for 20 yrs and I'm in the real world now, so it is what it is. :)

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I def think people today place too much emphasis on dating. Not everyone, but alot of people I have met, men and women, have a very hard time being single. To answer your question, when you find the RIGHT person who truly makes you happy, yes it is worth it. I have only met 1 such man in my entire 29 years of existence however.

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january2011
You're three months past divorce. Give yourself a little time to heal, even a year or two, before jumping back into the saddle.

 

For now, date for fun instead of rushing into anything serious. This way, you get re-attuned to the dating rituals and signals and get your groove back.

 

This.

 

You are battle-weary and battle-scarred. Don't do OLD. Do Meetups, volunteering, adult education classes and community events instead. Focus on meeting people who have shared interests. Get used to being sociable again and expanding your circle of friends.

 

If it helps, this site tends to skew younger and pre-marriage in terms of those who post regularly. You might find more people in a similar situation (older and post-divorce) in the New Beginnings forum on Surviving Infidelity.

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Suziee, thanks and good luck to you too! I would say your experience was rather successful, with two relationships. You are also telling me that heartbreak is inevitable, "several" of them in the past few years?

 

Just joking a bit about heartbreak being inevitable. ;)

 

I've had a total of six break-ups in the past six years, including the first one, with a guy I dated for only five weeks. I cringe now, remembering why I even bothered to date that guy but I admit, I was a bit desperate then, trying to get through the hassle of divorce (the marriage was dead long before the divorce). I also had a four month relationship that I walked away from --I couldn't see a future with him. I didn't feel any pain or even separation anxiety from that one--goody when that happens.

 

For all the heartaches I've had, I have no regrets as I've had some wonderful experiences in the course of those relationships. And, as you'll experience, time heals.

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This.

 

You are battle-weary and battle-scarred. Don't do OLD. Do Meetups, volunteering, adult education classes and community events instead. Focus on meeting people who have shared interests. Get used to being sociable again and expanding your circle of friends.

 

If it helps, this site tends to skew younger and pre-marriage in terms of those who post regularly. You might find more people in a similar situation (older and post-divorce) in the New Beginnings forum on Surviving Infidelity.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm not 3months post divorce, I'm three years post divorce, despite what it appears, I'm was in a very good place emotionally, that's why I started dating. I don't think I'm desperate, otherwise I would have jumped on any man, I just liked one out of 20, because he was EXACTLY what I was looking for. didn't expect that myself.

 

The question was, why bother with dating at all when you have a great life? To make it harder and more complicated? :))

 

Why shouldn't I do OLD and do meet ups?

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Just joking a bit about heartbreak being inevitable. ;)

 

I've had a total of six break-ups in the past six years, including the first one, with a guy I dated for only five weeks. I cringe now, remembering why I even bothered to date that guy but I admit, I was a bit desperate then, trying to get through the hassle of divorce (the marriage was dead long before the divorce). I also had a four month relationship that I walked away from --I couldn't see a future with him. I didn't feel any pain or even separation anxiety from that one--goody when that happens.

 

For all the heartaches I've had, I have no regrets as I've had some wonderful experiences in the course of those relationships. And, as you'll experience, time heals.

The six break ups, Suziee, scare me a bit, I admit :) I've been so sheltered to those....

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january2011
Thanks for the advice. I'm not 3months post divorce, I'm three years post divorce, despite what it appears, I'm was in a very good place emotionally, that's why I started dating. I don't think I'm desperate, otherwise I would have jumped on any man, I just liked one out of 20, because he was EXACTLY what I was looking for. didn't expect that myself.

 

The question was, why bother with dating at all when you have a great life? To make it harder and more complicated? :))

 

Why shouldn't I do OLD and do meet ups?

 

In which case, I don't think my advice or TBH's advice apply - I wonder where we both got the idea that you were three months post-divorce.

 

---------------------------

 

RE Dating - in my opinion and experience, emotional and sexual intimacy combined with a shared life, companionship and shared memories are difficult to achieve through any other means.

 

You don't have to date, if you don't feel it's worth it for your particular set of circumstances. It's not our place to persuade you otherwise. No one is putting a gun to your head. The choice is yours to make.

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