hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Hello! I am new to this forum. I did some reading online about this topic but felt it was best to discuss with people who are in this situation/have been in this situation. My boyfriend and I met 5 months ago, for the first 3 months we were just friends and spent time getting to know each other. We decided to start seeing each other about a month and a half ago. I can understand him not telling his family about me, I haven't told my family either. Our mothers are the same way and would make a big deal about it...they would probably have us walking down the aisle. My issues it...no one knows about me! He hasn't mentioned me to any of his friends...as far as they are concerned he isn't dating. I confronted him about this and he told me he is really cautious by nature and he doesn't want to bring a girl around his family/friends until he thinks it is serious. He doesn't want to be that guy who is bringing any girl he meets around. He went on to say he is planning to tell everyone shortly, while we have been talking for a while our relationship hasn't gotten serious until the last month or so. Then said "plus, nobody asks me, but if they do i will tell them. He claims he is "dying" to tell people and introduce me... My friends think it is BS and he is just trying to tell me what I want to hear. I am really confused, I have never had something like this happen before. Why is the fact that he is dating someone such a big secret? Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Hello! I am new to this forum. I did some reading online about this topic but felt it was best to discuss with people who are in this situation/have been in this situation. My boyfriend and I met 5 months ago, for the first 3 months we were just friends and spent time getting to know each other. We decided to start seeing each other about a month and a half ago. I can understand him not telling his family about me, I haven't told my family either. Our mothers are the same way and would make a big deal about it...they would probably have us walking down the aisle. My issues it...no one knows about me! He hasn't mentioned me to any of his friends...as far as they are concerned he isn't dating. I confronted him about this and he told me he is really cautious by nature and he doesn't want to bring a girl around his family/friends until he thinks it is serious. He doesn't want to be that guy who is bringing any girl he meets around. He went on to say he is planning to tell everyone shortly, while we have been talking for a while our relationship hasn't gotten serious until the last month or so. Then said "plus, nobody asks me, but if they do i will tell them. He claims he is "dying" to tell people and introduce me... My friends think it is BS and he is just trying to tell me what I want to hear. I am really confused, I have never had something like this happen before. Why is the fact that he is dating someone such a big secret? If he's dying to tell someone, he would have. He shouldn't have to have an excuse to do so. I'm sorry, but I'm skeptical of his behavior. I at least tell my friends that i'm dating after 2-3 weeks. Mostly because I want my closest friends to know the people who are around me. I don't necessarily introduce them to my friends just yet, but certainly tell them about her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 That's what I thought...so, what is my next step. Obviously, there is no point in bringing it up again? Do I just start to distance myself? Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Everyone is different. Some people invite a brand new date out to meet friends and family immediately. Others take a while. Typically, by the six month mark you have started to meet people who feature in each other's lives. Some people are private. Some people let it all hang out. You've stated your wishes, which was the right thing to do. He knows what you want. Unless you suspect that he's trying to date others (and nothing in the OP would lead me to think that), I would drop it and stop worrying about it. Just observe over the next few months. You get a lot more information from observing someone's actions than you do from forcing them to do something before they are ready. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 That's what I thought...so, what is my next step. Obviously, there is no point in bringing it up again? Do I just start to distance myself? I would not distance myself. That's simply a pressure tactic to get what you want. He already feels pressured and has tried to placate you by saying, "I'm dying to introduce you." Obviously, he's not ready. When he is, he will. Pushing him will just breed resentment IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 Thank you, Cutiepie! What you said makes sense and does help. I don't know why this is bothering me...I guess because this is the first time something like this has happened. It's not to issue of meeting people, it's more the issue of no one knowing at all! I'm just going to sit back and see what happens. I didn't mention in my first post, that due to financial reasons he is moving to his parents beach house (he left yesterday) until October. We discussed it and said we were going to do the LT relationship thing, so I guess we will see what happens. Maybe that is why I am over thinking this so much Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 I would not distance myself. That's simply a pressure tactic to get what you want. He already feels pressured and has tried to placate you by saying, "I'm dying to introduce you." Obviously, he's not ready. When he is, he will. Pushing him will just breed resentment IMO. I do have to agree with this. But, if he's appeasing you, hmmmm. There is no certainty that his reasons are for good or ill, so just be watchful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 A month and a half is not that long of a time. I tend not to tell my friends or family that I'm dating someone until several months have gone by. I'm not getting any weird gut feelings, and I don't think you should pressure him. Enjoy the fact that no one is trying to butt into your relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 The problem I have (I'm a guy) with this is that by not telling anyone that you're at least dating, no names or pics necessary, I have to wonder if there is ANY chance that he/she may have reservations or keeping him/herself open to other possibilities. We all know that can and does happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 The problem I have (I'm a guy) with this is that by not telling anyone that you're at least dating, no names or pics necessary, I have to wonder if there is ANY chance that he/she may have reservations or keeping him/herself open to other possibilities. We all know that can and does happen. Yeah, but chances are you'll know that after a few more months. And if the person ends up doing something like that, just leave. I never attach meaning to any particular person anymore. I don't think about the outcome of a relationship with a person anymore. I enjoy it when it's good, and leave it when it's clear that it's not right for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Yeah, but chances are you'll know that after a few more months. And if the person ends up doing something like that, just leave. I never attach meaning to any particular person anymore. I don't think about the outcome of a relationship with a person anymore. I enjoy it when it's good, and leave it when it's clear that it's not right for me. I really envy your healthy view on dating, relationships. Working my way towards that. To OP: After 1.5 months that's not too soon to "tell" someone that you're dating. Have you both committed to one another? Exclusive? Then certainly not too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 I really envy your healthy view on dating, relationships. Working my way towards that. Oh hon, it took me 37 freaking years to get to that point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 Soccer-one of my first thoughts was "is he keeping his options open?". He separated from his wife a year and a half ago (they are now divorced and I think it was a bad one) If that is the case why can't people just be honest. I have NEVER in any way pressured him for a relationship. Also, when I mentioned the subject of him not telling anyone I said to him "I am in no way trying to pressure you into telling people, I just need to understand why you are apprehensive" He told me the other day that he he is done with dating and took down all his online profiles. So, yes, we have agreed that we just want to see each other. This long term thing is new to both of us, so I think we are both unsure how to navigate. Also, and this might be TMI but I haven't slept with him. Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 He is probably keeping his options open. Once your relationship is validated by his social circle the door swings a little further shut. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 Yeah but why not even tell your best friend?? I've dated guys who i later found out were keeping their options open...and they told their friends about me...a lot of them I even met. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 soccer-one of my first thoughts was "is he keeping his options open?". He separated from his wife a year and a half ago (they are now divorced and i think it was a bad one) if that is the case why can't people just be honest. I have never in any way pressured him for a relationship. Also, when i mentioned the subject of him not telling anyone i said to him "i am in no way trying to pressure you into telling people, i just need to understand why you are apprehensive" he told me the other day that he he is done with dating and took down all his online profiles. So, yes, we have agreed that we just want to see each other. This long term thing is new to both of us, so i think we are both unsure how to navigate. Also, and this might be tmi but i haven't slept with him. i meant to say "long distance" not "long term" Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 If he's treating you well and making you feel good about yourself, then use protection (a good idea regardless), and just have fun. There are plenty of other things in your life that you need to be serious about. This doesn't have to be one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 He is very nice to me and does treat me well. We talk everyday and outside of this incident of him not telling anyone, I really have no reason to think he is seeing anyone else (not that it means he isn't). I guess time will tell...you are right, I need to just have fun and go with it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 He is very nice to me and does treat me well. We talk everyday and outside of this incident of him not telling anyone, I really have no reason to think he is seeing anyone else (not that it means he isn't). I guess time will tell...you are right, I need to just have fun and go with it! Perfect attitude. Now just believe in it totally and you'll be fine, either way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Oh! He's separated, possibly divorced!?! That's a whole different ball of wax. Not to get cynical, but is his wife even aware of this separation/divorce? It's more common than you think. The fact that no one knows you exist is a huge red flag in that situation. At any rate, assuming he really is divorced, don't date guys who are separated or recently divorced. They need to find themselves first. They need to work through the emotional fallout from the demise of their marriage. They need to figure out who they are and what they want. It's a process. Let them date around and play the field before you consider them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 He is DEFINITELY divorced! I made sure to do my homework on this one...also, It is public record so I was able to see it with my own eyes. I did ask him once how many people he's dated since his divorce and if he has had any long term relationships. He said he went on a lot of dates and dated one or two people but it was very short lived. Honestly, he is a really good guy. I think he wants to believe he is ready for a relationship....but, I am starting to think he isn't.... Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Just take things slow and don't be invested in the outcome. Make sure you're going to be ok if things don't work out, like with any relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hazeleyes2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Author Share Posted March 30, 2013 It might sound strange...but I think this thing with him moving might actually be a good thing. It will show me just how serious he is about this relationship Link to post Share on other sites
outsidethebox Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 It makes no sense to tell anyone I'm moving away for awhile due to I'm broke but there's this girl I started seeing a few weeks ago that I'm going to commit to in a long distance relationship now that I'm recently divorced. He's got a lot to sort out. Any discussion yet on how much you guys will be getting together during this time? Is it for summer until school starts or something like that or more open ended until he figures something out? You have asked him really good questions. You are definitely not going to get blindsided imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 He is DEFINITELY divorced! I made sure to do my homework on this one...also, It is public record so I was able to see it with my own eyes. I did ask him once how many people he's dated since his divorce and if he has had any long term relationships. He said he went on a lot of dates and dated one or two people but it was very short lived. Honestly, he is a really good guy. I think he wants to believe he is ready for a relationship....but, I am starting to think he isn't.... Does that make sense? Good for you! You're going in with your eyes open. What you're saying makes perfect sense BTW. People go through fairly defined stages in response to certain major life events--e.g. death of a loved one, divorce. What he is doing is fairly typical. Not sure what you're hoping for out of dating in general--casual fun, companionship, a relationship, or something else altogether. That should guide your thinking. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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