Woman lives with her mother - mother doesn't seem to like people staying over

[lover4721]

Okay so I met this woman, she is 23 and she cannot really afford to live on her own, which is okay!

 

She lives with her mother which is also okay.

 

However, I stayed there for two nights and didn't seem like I was really welcome to stay. :/

 

The second night, her Mom asked "You're still here?" and also asked the girlfriend if I was going home eventually.

 

She was nice, she asked me where I lived, but that was basically it.

 

So today, I didn't want to be a bother and go over and stay until Saturday because I just felt it would be awkward... The mother works usually from 2PM - 10PM, OR 4 AM to maybe around 2-PM?

 

Usually, we are out during the day, but I just feel like I am not welcome. Today I didn't go and she asked why not, and I said I felt like her Mother didn't like when I was there.

She said it doesn't matter, I shouldn't care... but I have respect for people and I just don't stay over randomly. :/

She said she is barely welcome over and that her mom is a bitch.

 

So we live an hour and a half away from each other. Seeing each other isn't a problem at all... In the three days we had apart, I drove 400 miles randomly and her house there and back is only 200 miles. So as you can see, I basically drove to her house twice

 

But I just feel like I am not welcome to stay and things become awkward. :/

 

She tells me to not worry about it and I should worry more about her and not get her upset because I didn't come over (I never promised I was).

 

I don't know what to do in this situation? If I should maybe go over Thursday, and then thank her for letting me stay over, or just not worry about it.

 

I had an ex, and we would just go upstairs and watch movies, and her Mom and us had a talk and said she wanted us to talk to her parents more and hangout... So we did and I liked having the connection with the mother...

We dated for a year and six months...

 

But this girl's mother doesn't seem friendly. :/

[Eggplant]

Hang out at your place.

[lover4721]

Hang out at your place.

 

Forgot to mention, we are, but she has work a lot and being the distance, she doesn't have the gas to waste back and forth like myself. :/

 

Definitely, we are going to meet up at my house next weekend.

[ja123]

Yeah, you definitely picked up on the Mom's vibe. I don't think it's necessarily because of you, but I'd imagine she'd react the same way with any guy her daughter had staying over. Maybe she's uncomfortable accepting that her daughter has grown-up and has sexual needs.

 

Anyhow, I wouldn't want to stay there myself, if I were you.

 

Can she visit you at your place?

[lover4721]

Yeah, you definitely picked up on the Mom's vibe. I don't think it's necessarily because of you, but I'd imagine she'd react the same way with any guy her daughter had staying over. Maybe she's uncomfortable accepting that her daughter has grown-up and has sexual needs.

 

Anyhow, I wouldn't want to stay there myself, if I were you.

 

Can she visit you at your place?

 

She said her mother is just like that regularly, and she won't change. And I look at it like that, her mother was basically grown up that way, and I respect her mom and I know it is her place!

 

However, she had a lot of guys over. She told me her mom was flirting with most of them haha but not me.

 

She knows that her daughter has sexual needs and is grown-up now.

 

And that is what I told her, and she said it was ridiculous.

 

She can visit me at my house, but she works. :/ I don't - I trade currency so I am free to do whatever. I also have college, Tuesdays because I am done with my degree.

[CC12]

It seems like there's a very simple solution to this problem. Don't spend an excessive amount of time at her mother's house because she clearly doesn't want you there. When you visit your girlfriend, see her outside of her house most of the time and if you want to spend the night together, get a hotel room.

 

I was going to ask if your girlfriend is paying rent or contributing somehow, but then I realized that it doesn't even matter. Even if she were paying half of all the bills, it's disrespectful of your girlfriend to have a house guest for that long without getting the okay from the person she's sharing a house with. It's one thing to crash over there after you two have had a late night out and then you're gone first thing in the morning, but if you're there while the mom is eating breakfast and you're still there when she gets home from work, that's not okay. That's kind of intruding one someone's life.

 

If your girlfriend pouts that you won't spend entire weekends at her house, tell her that you don't want to be a disrespectful guest and that you won't spend the night over there unless her mother is okay with it. And even then, you should still limit your time spent there. You don't want to piss off her mother. That will make things a lot harder for the both of you.

[lover4721]

Ah, finally someone that see's the same thing I see...

 

I told her that I have respect for her mother and I wouldn't want to be a bother and intrude on her apartment.

 

Also, the simple solution is what we do. We do not spend time at her apartment. WE were always out from noon to 10.

 

Now, if the girlfriend was paying rent or something, I would see how somehow it would just be a little better... :/

 

If she would get an okay from her mother, then I would feel comfortable with staying. But I told her to tell her mom and she said she will. Maybe if she would actually tell her mom that someone was coming over, things would have been better.

 

She said "I didn't know you bringing someone home tonight." when she was cleaning up a mess that the dog left. So it seemed like she was pissed and I felt like I was intruding :/

 

I tell her that I don't want to be intruding and I wanted to have respect, but she basically said I should have visited and just ignored her mother.

 

What could also be contributing to this is that the daughter and the mother BOTH are those people with those one-night stands, and she may just be used of seeing people come and go. But now the daughter actually has a relationship and I contribute to her happiness, that might be something new in the household.

The mother had an abusive relationship and is now going out and partying and meeting new people, so it might also contribute to her behavior.

 

She seemed friendly at first... The dog ran into the door and ruined the carpet and she asked "Are you making her all rowdy?" and smiled jokingly haha. So I thought she enjoyed guests.

 

I am visiting Thursday night, staying until Saturday morning. :/ Haha

 

So do you think maybe I should say "Thanks for letting me stay over" Saturday morning? OR does it seem sarcastic because she would be thinking "I never *let* you stayed over."

 

I think if I thank her, maybe she will feel the appreciation?

 

She also knows it isn't my fault that I am stuck sleeping there. She knows her daughter is bit pushy and needy - because her Mom told her she is going to push me away.

 

ALSO, the girlfriend (daughter) told me that when she told her mom about me, she asked "Oh are you going to move in?" like she does to all guys she meets. That is what she told me. So she barely welcomes her daughter. She said "I'll come and visit you once a month."

 

Haha.

 

Hmm, difficult thinking. I honestly feel VERY (most in my life) uncomfortable knowing that she didn't say I was 'welcome to stay'.

 

If she said "Anytime, you're welcome to stay", then I would feel very good about staying at times.

[CC12]

She also knows it isn't my fault that I am stuck sleeping there.

 

Hm? You're not "stuck" sleeping there. Go to a hotel. Or go home.

[lover4721]

Hm the hotel idea I brought up with her - but I don't think she would like the home idea lol.

 

The thing is that I wouldn't want to do that every time I go and see her.

 

But most mothers of daughters don't like men sleeping at their house. I have two younger sisters and my Mom doesn't say anything about the one sister, but she definitely doesn't 'enjoy' it.

 

The family of the guys don't mind. My one sister lives at her boyfriends house. Same with me, my Mom wouldn't have any care either. However, I never wanted to stay at my ex's house because I could have easily came home.

 

However, now this woman is 100 miles away, which isn't a lot but isn't too close either.

 

She is trying to find another job, so maybe she will be able to get an apartment since she did have one for 3 months.

 

Who knows! If we lived closer, that would definitely be better.

Edited March 28, 2013 by lover4721

[veggirl]

If she doesn't have money why don't you pay for her gas back and forth?

 

I can't IMAGINE staying 2 nights in a row at a guys PARENTS house when I've barely started dating the guy! That is weird as hell and sounds SO awkward. Its kinda rude too, I assume you're eating moms food and whatnot as well. Do you guys at least like stay in her room or do you take over the common areas as well?

 

You are a stranger to her mother. As far as you know, you are the "flavor of the month" in her daughters life and nothing more. Why would she feel comfortable with a stranger camping out in HER HOME for 2 days?

[StanMusial]

If she doesn't have money why don't you pay for her gas back and forth?

 

I can't IMAGINE staying 2 nights in a row at a guys PARENTS house when I've barely started dating the guy! That is weird as hell and sounds SO awkward. Its kinda rude too, I assume you're eating moms food and whatnot as well. Do you guys at least like stay in her room or do you take over the common areas as well?

 

You are a stranger to her mother. As far as you know, you are the "flavor of the month" in her daughters life and nothing more. Why would she feel comfortable with a stranger camping out in HER HOME for 2 days?

 

 

...And this, folks, is why adults LEAVE HOME.

 

Frankly this scenario sounds like the genesis of a Jerry Springer type scenario.

 

Sure people might be poor and struggling, but find an age appropriate roommate or work two or three jobs or whatever you have to do. Dang!

[Treasa]

Sexual needs my ass. People go years without having sex and they don't die. Know what a need is? Shelter. Food. Water. Safety. Those are needs, and those are what her mother is either providing her with or helping to provide for her.

 

My mom raised me by herself, and she couldn't stand to have people over, either. I can't say I blamed her. It's her house. Why should some dude be coming over and hanging out for hours or days at a time? Actually, that would make me insane, too, if I had a 23-year-old and their boyfriend/girlfriend just stayed for days.

 

She sounds selfish and ungrateful. Her mom is a bitch? Maybe she should move out on her own, or rub one out to take care of her sexual "needs."

 

My advice is date a woman, not a little brat.

 

People stay at my house if I say it's ok, because I pay the mortgage and all the bills, thus I get to call the shots. You (general you) don't make the money and pay the bills, you don't call the shots. Welcome to the adult world.

[StanMusial]

Sexual needs my ass. People go years without having sex and they don't die. Know what a need is? Shelter. Food. Water. Safety. Those are needs, and those are what her mother is either providing her with or helping to provide for her.

 

My mom raised me by herself, and she couldn't stand to have people over, either. I can't say I blamed her. It's her house. Why should some dude be coming over and hanging out for hours or days at a time? Actually, that would make me insane, too, if I had a 23-year-old and their boyfriend/girlfriend just stayed for days.

 

She sounds selfish and ungrateful. Her mom is a bitch? Maybe she should move out on her own, or rub one out to take care of her sexual "needs."

 

My advice is date a woman, not a little brat.

 

People stay at my house if I say it's ok, because I pay the mortgage and all the bills, thus I get to call the shots. You (general you) don't make the money and pay the bills, you don't call the shots. Welcome to the adult world.

 

IMO, it's disrespectful to the mother on the part of both OP and gf, to carry on like that.

 

My mom or dad would not have tolerated it, and there would've been some arse kicked straight out of the house. LOL.

[Treasa]

IMO, it's disrespectful to the mother on the part of both OP and gf, to carry on like that.

 

My mom or dad would not have tolerated it, and there would've been some arse kicked straight out of the house. LOL.

 

Yep, I agree completely.

[veggirl]

IMO, it's disrespectful to the mother on the part of both OP and gf, to carry on like that.

 

My mom or dad would not have tolerated it, and there would've been some arse kicked straight out of the house. LOL.

 

Absolutely.

 

I can't even fathom imposing for 2 days, uninvited by the homeowner. Totally disrespectful.

 

And Treasa is right, if mom is such a "bitch" (yes providing your grown adult child with food and shelter is so awful) then your girl should be figuring out how to move out. Most younger 20 somethings are poor and figure it out anyway.

 

And how you can even still be so interested in a girl when her MOM basically tells you she has men in and out of the house all the time? Your girl is the "bad guy" here, not her mom.

[lover4721]

I agree with everyone :/

 

She doesn't provide food for her, just shelter. It seems like she wants to be on her own basically. She wants to be able to walk around and not worry about anyone.

 

She got friendly overtime -

 

But anyhow, I am respectful for the mother and I am not on here calling her a 'bitch.' Her daughter did that. I actually want that friendship with the mother because I had it with my ex and things were perfect.

 

But this is who she is and she wants to live on her own.

 

I know it is her mothers rules, I wasn't complaining about that. I understand that - completely.

She does seem very rude and selfish - and she doesn't care about what her mother thinks either. She never even asked her mother if I could come over and I think if she would have done that, it would have eased things more better. What happened was she said I could stay the night, but never told me her mother hated it. She said "You are more than welcome to stay!"

 

 

The guys in and out are just co-worker friends, with her girl friends as well.

 

I just want to really be friends with her right now and not rush into things like we did. But I was just wondering what other people thought on how to enhance the relationship with the mother.

 

I agree with you all, I think the daughter is a brat and she doesn't want me to care about her mothers feelings, but I am not like that. I respect her mother.

 

But anyhow, thanks for the replies everyone! I didn't expect any motivating answers lol so I guess I'll just have her come over and just maybe remain friends (if I could break it to her).

 

I just thought I could ask for helpful advice on whether if maybe getting that friendship with the mother would make her more comfortable around liking me or what not. She see's a stranger in the house and that's just odd to her. But we will see where things go.

 

It is common sense that a mother or roommate won't like random people staying over, but I just thought maybe within time she will be comfortable with having me over and noticing that I contribute to her daughters happiness. It's all alright though!

All of your responses made perfect sense! I just thought of 'changing the situation' rather than throwing my hands up and saying "I give up" like most people would do.

 

Thanks everyone!

Edited March 31, 2013 by lover4721