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Girl that I've been obsessed over for years finally available, how do I approach her?


ilovebrunettes

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ilovebrunettes

I've been basically obsessed with a friend of mine (18, graduated early) for about 3-5 years now. (I'm 24.) She's incredibly gorgeous, just my type, wears girly clothes and tights and does her nails... everything about her is just amazing. She's pretty picture-perfect, to me.

 

She was with a guy for about 2 years, and about 2-3 months ago they broke up, finally. They had a very rough relationship, always breaking up and getting back together, he did heroin so she put herself through a lot with him. I was with a girl I liked for 3 months at the time they broke up, and since we were so rocky and having problems, and this friend JUST became readily available, I decided to cash in and go for this friend of mine.

 

The thing is, is that I absolutely adore this woman. She's incredibly gorgeous, reads, wants to be a nurse, is able to express her emotions, and just genuinely a really good person. But she JUST got out of this long relationship, and they still talk on occasion. She says it's over, but that it's him who keeps bugging her. (Apparently he moved back in town too, and keeps asking her to hang out with him, to which she has been saying no.)

 

How do I approach this? On one hand, I just got out of a 3 month relationship, and if anything, it makes me miss having a girlfriend. But I know for her, she's already said she's going to be independent for a while since they were together for so long. Do I flirt with her? Attempt to kiss her when the time is right, or hold out extra long?

 

We've had 2 dates so far, and last time she was at my house watching TV. She allowed me to give her a hand massage, and when I asked her if I could give a foot massage, she said yes. :) It was amazing. Is that a good sign? She's coming over again this week, and I'm wondering what I should do / how should I approach this? The first date I let her know not to put me in the friends zone... yet. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I would love to make this girl mine, and I would treat her amazing. Do I play it cool, or chase a little?

 

Also, sometimes I notice she won't text me back about something I said, what do I do then? Not text her back? I noticed sometimes she seems to reply if text something about a different topic after she hasn't texted me back to an earlier message. She usually texts back, though, just sometimes I'll say hi and she won't respond and I don't know what to do.

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Well, you may have told her you don't want to be friend-zoned, but that's where you are.

While she still communicates with ex-douchebag, and hasn't made any responsive signals towards you, that's how it is.

 

It may also be too soon for her to consider a relationship, on the basis that you'd be a rebound.

 

The only thing you can do, is to lay your cards on the table, be absolutely up-front, honest and open with her, tell her how you feel, what you'd like and ask her how she feels about all that.

 

Any hesitation and prevarication on her part, will tell you immediately where you stand.

 

In the Friend-zone.

 

I think you've been with her too long as a buddy, for her to see you as anything else, now....

 

I could be wrong, but thinking like a woman, that's how I think she's thinking.......

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You tell her you have loved her for 5 years.

 

She drops you and therefore you finally become free of your infatuation.

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ilovebrunettes
Well, you may have told her you don't want to be friend-zoned, but that's where you are.

While she still communicates with ex-douchebag, and hasn't made any responsive signals towards you, that's how it is.

 

It may also be too soon for her to consider a relationship, on the basis that you'd be a rebound.

 

The only thing you can do, is to lay your cards on the table, be absolutely up-front, honest and open with her, tell her how you feel, what you'd like and ask her how she feels about all that.

 

Any hesitation and prevarication on her part, will tell you immediately where you stand.

 

In the Friend-zone.

 

I think you've been with her too long as a buddy, for her to see you as anything else, now....

 

I could be wrong, but thinking like a woman, that's how I think she's thinking.......

 

Even though we've KNOWN each other for a few years, we actually only hung out about two or three times in those years. We live close to each other but have a totally different set of friends, but we've been hanging out a lot more lately. So at some point I should just be totally honest with her? At what point?

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It actually sounds to me like you're doing ok, if she's been out with you and been to your house, then it's a good sign.

You will have to take things slowly, because she is fresh out of a bad relationship, and you've told her not to freindzone you which is a clear indication you think there may be more than friendship.

 

Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing, but keep it flirty.

You seem like a decent guy, so I think you'll know when the time is right to say something to her, or take more action.

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ilovebrunettes
A.S.A.P, buddy.

 

I'm not so sure about being totally honest with her about what I want. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm going to be honest and if she asks, I will tell her, "I'd like to see this eventually turn into a relationship, but at the same time I understand you just got out of a long, hard relationship", and maybe thrown in something like, "Hey, I just got out of a relationship too, let's take things slow!" I mean you're right about being honest, but are you sure GOING to her and presenting her with, "Hey, this is what I want..." is really the best idea?

 

I think that since she just got out of a long relationship, I should just try to be nice to her, flirt with her a lot, and wait for any kind of signal back. I think if I just let her know that I like her and want to be with her that it would just scare her off.

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ilovebrunettes
It actually sounds to me like you're doing ok, if she's been out with you and been to your house, then it's a good sign.

You will have to take things slowly, because she is fresh out of a bad relationship, and you've told her not to freindzone you which is a clear indication you think there may be more than friendship.

 

Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing, but keep it flirty.

You seem like a decent guy, so I think you'll know when the time is right to say something to her, or take more action.

 

Aww ty so much! Yeah I think it's a good sign too that we've hung out a few times (she's actually coming over again today, too... :) ), especially at my house, and especially since she said I could give her a massage. I'll just take things slowly then and wait for a signal to take more action, or say something to her. Ty!

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Feelin Frisky

Romance is all about "wanting"-that why you have this heavy feeling of love for her. But obviously it's more one-sided.You have to figure out if you can do things that make her want you. Coming on too strong can make her feel like she "has" you and the romance of wanting dies off soon after. I know this all sounds like a game but it kinda is the game of love. How do you know her lack of responses to your texts aren't deliberate decisions to taunt you and make you want her more? You don't. So, consider this, she had a long relationship with a druggy. Maybe his selfishness made her want to be more important t him. Since you're not a druggy--assumedly so--you could come off as being too easy for her. So, you have to work a little game. As much as you want her make her want you. Don't treat her badly, just try to have a life that she admires and wants in on. This is that "bad boy/good guy dynamic". If she shows that her want isn't growing, you can't fault yourself. It's just that she has friend zoned you. But if you can manage your feelings and see her want growing for you, work it. Do just enough to give her some thrills bout don't smother her with your wants. Maybe after a while she'll get sick of living on the edge of want and will decide she wants to have you as her husband. And then you can pat yourself on the back that you're a swinging dick that played his cards right and got what he wanted. But don't forget that in order for marriage to work you have to keep "having" from destroying "wanting". Never let on that you're playing the game. It looks impressive if its your nature.

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ilovebrunettes

We hung out again yesterday and I'm wondering how things went...

 

...she came over and we watched a TV show for a few hours (we are both into PLL lol, and I own the seasons...), and she's sipping on some wine and I'm kind of scratching her back, and she asks me if I can do her shoulders. So I said of course and started massaging her back, I lifted up her shirt and she started really getting into it. I kept going all down her back and she seemed to like it, I went to go grab some oils in my room but I guess I ruined the moment lol by getting up because she had her shirt back down.

 

When I dropped her off I decided to kiss her on the cheek, so I gently reached over and touched her cheek and kissed her other cheek for a second or two. Then I let go and smiled and she smiled and said we will hang out soon and she looked SO sexy the way she left lol it's like she knew I wanted her, or that perhaps she kind of wanted me. I don't know.

 

Later though it got late and I picked up some bud, and she couldn't sleep, and she had homework so we hung out for about 2 hours at my place, her just doing a test and us smoking. I kind of just played with my phone watched TV, I couldn't really hit on her again then because she was taking a test online. After the test I took her back home and kissed her cheek again, and then she gave me a hug when I dropped her off and she said, "We will hang out soon." And then left. We texted a bit after that and then today I just woke up.

 

1. Is it too soon to be kissing her cheek? Honestly I'm so nervous around her I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but this is like our fourth or fifth date, so I went for it. She seemed to respond happily. She looked at me the first time I did it and I don't know... just had this sexy look in her eyes. It's hard to explain.

 

2. But then when she said "We will hang out soon" I have no idea what that means. She's VERY literal (kind of like the awkward character usually portrayed by Zooey Deschanel), so she could be just speaking completely literally, but I'm not sure.

 

Since we hung out twice this week (twice in a day, really) should I back off and not text her for a day or two? Should I assume we are hanging out next week? Should I not tweet too much about how attractive I think she is on my twitter? (She follows me...)

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Haha, you're so funny.

Stop overanalysing everything. Kissing her on the cheek is fine, I do that to most people so it's really not a big deal at all.

 

Don't tweet too much (if at all) about how attractive you think she is, that's a little creepy.

Throw out a text or two, and see what you get back. It sounds to me like she's into you, but she just needs to take things slowly.

 

Keep up the good work :)

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ilovebrunettes
Haha, you're so funny.

Stop overanalysing everything. Kissing her on the cheek is fine, I do that to most people so it's really not a big deal at all.

 

Don't tweet too much (if at all) about how attractive you think she is, that's a little creepy.

Throw out a text or two, and see what you get back. It sounds to me like she's into you, but she just needs to take things slowly.

 

Keep up the good work :)

 

OKay cool. :)

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ilovebrunettes

We hung out again a few times this week, been kissing her on the cheek every time I say by. She smiles and seems to like it, and everything seems to be going good, but today I asked her how she felt about dating people that were a little older than her. She said she usually dates older guys, but then she mentioned that she doesn't plan to have have a relationship until after college... which will be a long time from now.

 

:(

 

So I'm pretty sad, I'm not sure what to do. I guess we are just going to be friends and nothing more? I guess I should stop kissing her cheek, giving her massages, etc? Should I still hang out with her or is it just a waste of time?

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HoneyBadgerDontCare
We hung out again a few times this week, been kissing her on the cheek every time I say by. She smiles and seems to like it, and everything seems to be going good, but today I asked her how she felt about dating people that were a little older than her. She said she usually dates older guys, but then she mentioned that she doesn't plan to have have a relationship until after college... which will be a long time from now.

 

:(

 

So I'm pretty sad, I'm not sure what to do. I guess we are just going to be friends and nothing more? I guess I should stop kissing her cheek, giving her massages, etc? Should I still hang out with her or is it just a waste of time?

 

Just make a move man.

 

Try kissing her ON THE LIPS next time and see how she takes it.

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Just make a move man.

 

Try kissing her ON THE LIPS next time and see how she takes it.

 

What he said^^^

 

The worst thing you can do this early is over think it and give off crazy intense dude vibes - lock down on those "she's so perfect" feelings for a bit.

Nothing makes me run faster than dudes who want too much too soon.

 

Well emotionally anyway, if your name is honeybadgerdontcare however then I'm pretty much yours for the asking :love:

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HoneyBadgerDontCare
Why would I kiss her on the lips if she says she doesn't want a relationship though?

 

1) Because, most of the time, people don't know what they want.

 

2) If you don't, someone else will. Then you'll be kicking yourself for not trying.

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Standard-Fare

I think you're taking the right approach by moving slowly but at some point the kissing on the cheek is going to get old, and seem like a sign of meekness or defeat. And that point is ... soon.

 

From what you're describing, she seems interested, and you are guys are hanging out in a flirty sort of context, so making a real move doesn't seem out of the question for the near future.

 

I agree with you/others that you shouldn't just come right out and express your feelings for her. It would come off as too intense, and you need to keep some intrigue there.

 

I also don't think you should overanalyze the thing she said about not wanting to date until after college. I mean, she's already had a boyfriend, so you know she's not opposed to dating as a concept... and you two are basically going on what you describe as "dates." As you pursue her more she will probably make herself more clear on what exactly she meant by that.

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I'm having trouble with the whole massage thing..

How is that not turning sexual? Especially if you're getting under her shirt.

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Don't worry about what she wants, worry about what you want, and that should be to have sex with her, not cajole, console, massage her feet, talk about touchy feely things. She is an adult capable of handling her own stuff. She has GFs and family for souful talk. Get out of the apartment with her pronto. Get out and moving somewhere where you will have the opportunity to have fun while active, even if a walk. If she gives you any indications, leans into you, bumps into you regularly. Stop right then, slide your arm down her waist, pull her in but not roughly and kiss her. Imagine a plane between you, pull her gently to that plane, hesitate for just a sec, look in her eyes directly like you are looking at a juicy steak, then move decisively in and kiss. If she turns cheek, nbd, smile knowingly and just keep doing whatever you two were doing. Look for the next opportunity due to doing active things together, and do it again, no matter in public, private wherever, just please stop sitting around on a couch with this girl.

 

After an active date, go to a cool, trendy type restaurant, share an appetizer and a drink. Always sit at the bar so you can sit next to each other. Be light, flirty and fun, and any attraction this girl has to you will likely grow. Get heavy, apply pressure, get too cerebral, too idealistic, and any attraction she feels will likely fade. These aren't absolutes, but probability. Women are indeed all different, but some things they tend to respond generally well to and poorly to.

 

Don't ever ask to do things, do them. Don't get bogged down in talk about her ex, laying your feelings on the table, don't "talk things over or out" bleh, just show them by doing. That's what they like, that's what works. If she's feeling anything, she will respond. If not, you will have your answer and can move on. Good luck.

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She has to be interested. Sure, she may have just gotten out of a relationship, but she could have been over the guy long ago.

 

Kiss her on the lips and tell her how you feel about her, privately.

 

My ex boyfriend of four years did exactly that and I had just gotten out of a sticky relationship then. We had been friends, just like you and her, and he absolutely adored me. He always told me that he "had to finally tell me how he felt," because "holding it back was killing him inside."

 

I am almost positive she feels the same way about you. Why wouldn't she? You sound like a really nice guy.

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You are so cute with your overanalyzing.

 

I agree with the other posters - when you go for the goodbye, pull her in and kiss her on the lips. OR get out of the apt, go to the museum, a cool bar/restaurant, one of those mini-race car tracks, something FUN. It'll get her head out of the post-relationship haze and it'll show how fun you are. In my experience, girls don't want to sit around and watch tv all day(though massages are nice :D) they want fun and adventure.

 

As a lady I will tell you, she is clearly savoring your attention.

 

BUT that doesn't mean she's ready to hop into a relationship with you. if she's not ready to move forward, don't be crushed. You're awesome for even having tried.

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ilovebrunettes
1) Because, most of the time, people don't know what they want.

 

2) If you don't, someone else will. Then you'll be kicking yourself for not trying.

 

Yeah but I'm going to kick myself even harder if I try to kiss her and she backs up and says, "Woah, I've already told you I don't want a boyfriend."

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ilovebrunettes
I think you're taking the right approach by moving slowly but at some point the kissing on the cheek is going to get old, and seem like a sign of meekness or defeat. And that point is ... soon.

 

From what you're describing, she seems interested, and you are guys are hanging out in a flirty sort of context, so making a real move doesn't seem out of the question for the near future.

 

I agree with you/others that you shouldn't just come right out and express your feelings for her. It would come off as too intense, and you need to keep some intrigue there.

 

I also don't think you should overanalyze the thing she said about not wanting to date until after college. I mean, she's already had a boyfriend, so you know she's not opposed to dating as a concept... and you two are basically going on what you describe as "dates." As you pursue her more she will probably make herself more clear on what exactly she meant by that.

 

She hasn't made any moves towards me though. I'm the one that always initiates the massages, I'm the one that always scoots closer to her, etc. I just don't think she's interested. If she was, even in the slightest bit, I think she would scoot closer, ask for a massage, etc. I hung out with a different girl Friday night, and it was TOTALLY different. She was scooting closer to me, asking for a massage, giving me one, etc. I think just going in for the kiss while she hasn't shown me any signs she's really into me besides merely "allowing" me to be affectionate towards her isn't really the smartest thing?

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ilovebrunettes
I'm having trouble with the whole massage thing..

How is that not turning sexual? Especially if you're getting under her shirt.

 

It was just a massage and she was a little tipsy. Nothing else happened. :(

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