When to introduce your child? (Teenage child in my case.)

[neveragain34]

Here's the deal...been dating someone only 6 weeks, but I can tell he's looking for something serious from his actions (two dates a week, including weekends, texts daily to see how my day was, asks me out with 3-5 days notice, insists on paying, have met his best friend twice now, he agreed to wait for sex, deleted his OLD profile, etc.). I am looking for serious as well and could really see that happening with him, but am still taking it slow and being cautious.

 

Anyway, my question is, when do you think I should invite him somewhere with my 16 year old son? Or do I wait till he brings up meeting him? I'm usually very protective when it comes to introducing anyone to my son; he's only met 3 people in his life and they were all serious relationships. Now that he's older though, I don't see it being as big of an issue on my end, but not sure what guys think of this.

 

Thoughts?

[ja123]

I'd wait 'till 3 months of dating, at least. It's still early days. Anyhow, it sounds like he's doing all the right things, so I hope it works out for you.

 

Good Luck.

[RachR]

I was a child of divorced parents that remarried a couples times on each of their ends (lol), so I'll tell you my take on it based on how it affected me. First off, at 16, he's old enough for you not to be so protective, as you seem to recognize. So he can meet a beau earlier than you'd want to have, say, a 5 year old or 10 year old meet them. I'd say for his age, when you're an official couple and things look like they're going into long term territory. I met my current stepmother at your son's age I believe about three months in, but I knew of her way before that and my father and she had been seeing each other weekly.

Edited March 16, 2013 by RachR
edited information

[AMusing]

At 16 it's not such a big deal as when he was younger, especially since he's used to you dating. It'd be a different story if he were still young, or if you'd divorced his dad recently.

 

I'd recommend waiting until after the 3-month mark, and after you two are explicitly in an exclusive, serious relationship (whichever comes last). Alternatively, you could ask your son if he wants to meet the new guy; he's old enough to choose.

 

Kudos for putting so much concern into your son's comfort, and good luck with your new relationship!

[neveragain34]

Three months it is! This seems to be the magic number in my mind these days, as I'm seeing it truly does take three months to really get to know someone and decide if they are worthy of a serious relationship, meeting your child, sex, etc.

 

I haven't read the book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", but I heard the advice given there regarding meeting children is to do it right away because the child is part of the package and they should get to know both of you. I'd have to disagree because of the attachment problems that could occur.

[soccerrprp]

I generally avoid introducing the people I date, even long-term, to my children for as long as possible and will aim to skip it altogether unless some explicit commitment has been made. The concerns about attachment aren't really an issue with older children, but remember you are your son's primary female role model. Revolving doors that involve different men coming into and out of your life probably won't do much to elevate his view of women. This is the main reason I don't bring men into my home or my sons' lives.

 

I especially believe this with older kids. If really young, as I have, I tell them that we're having play dates and we do. The only time my SO is with my children is when she has her child(ren) tagging along. We keep the affection limited and let the kids know that we are friends and again, having a play date.

 

Frankly, with such an approach, there is no magic 3-month period. It's when we are both comfortable doing it and have discussed how we are going to communicate our relationship to the children.

[creighton0123]

Your son is 16. Don't ask us. Ask him. He's a young man and is mature enough to let you know what he thinks. Ask him if he would be alright meeting your boyfriend now, when you're not sure whether or not it has potential, or would he prefer to wait until you're more comfortable around him.

 

You'll be the better parent for it and let him know that his feelings and opinions matter to you.

[pyramid]

100% agree with creighton. My kid is younger than 16 and when I'm getting serious about someone, I ask him if he'd like to meet the guy (as a friend). He usually doesn't care either way. I don't introduce guys as anything more than a friend, although a 16yo would "get it" more than a younger kid would.

 

Introducing is waaaaaaaay different than spending time together, and that is where you need to start worrying about attachment. But at a certain point I do like to have my date actually come to the door/come in when picking me up to go out. Especially when I'm dating someone who doesn't have kids (so you can't do the "playdate" thing) there will be no hanging out together until it's pretty serious. But introducing usually happens around the 6-week mark for me.

[neveragain34]

Your son is 16. Don't ask us. Ask him. He's a young man and is mature enough to let you know what he thinks. Ask him if he would be alright meeting your boyfriend now, when you're not sure whether or not it has potential, or would he prefer to wait until you're more comfortable around him.

 

You'll be the better parent for it and let him know that his feelings and opinions matter to you.

 

I agree 100%. My son and I have a pretty open relationship and I tell him when I'm going on dates, how they went, etc. I'm sure he'd be fine meeting this guy and I know he'd like him. My other question earlier was the how, but I'm sure that will come to be once I'm ready for the introductions to take place.

 

Thanks for the great advice! You'd think this never came up in my 16 year of single parenting! Lol. It has, but again, he's older now and things change.

[tbf]

Unless you're in an exclusive, long-term relationship, why the rush to introduce the two? As long as the guy's aware of your teenage son, relax and let it happen naturally.