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Ever dumped someone you really liked because things moved too quickly?


Gottabestrong

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Gottabestrong

Hi guys,

I would really appreciate your opinions.

 

Was dating this great guy for 2.5 months. After a month he asked me to be exclusive and 3 weeks later he tells me he loves me. After 3 more weeks he dumped me citing 'his feelings changed and things moved too quickly'.

 

For the last week I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what happened and I think I know now. I was being too 'needy' and 'clingy'.

 

When we were together everything was perfect, but when we were not, he often would not call me for two days or more and I was lucky if I got a short text in between. I told him that this made me feel like he did not care and even though he assured me he just was not into texting, if he called me after 3 days of silence I couldn't help myself from saying something like: "Oh, so you still remember my number?"

 

Another thing is the fact that I only moved here a few months ago and therefore have no friends or family here. He, on the other hand has been living here all his life and got family, friends, hobbies, etc. This meant that he was busy doing things 4-5 nights a week, while I was usually sitting at home when we were not together. It's not like I am not sociable, but it is difficult to make friends once you are in your 30s and work 60 hours a week. I mean, I have taken initiatives to make friends, I joined a gym, a social club, etc.

 

But still, I could tell it bothered him when he asked me what I was doing on my evenings and most of the time it was just 'stay in, watch TV or work'. And I could not hide the fact that I was hurt when he chose to do other things for 3 nights in a row, instead of seeing me, even though I told him I think it is very important to have your own friends and interests.

 

Anyway, so I think he felt pressured to spend most of his time with me and to be responsible for my 'entertainment', which no person should ever be.

 

I understand why he felt he had to end things - he probably felt he was losing his freedom -, my worry is that I messed it up with the perfect guy and will never have a chance to fix it. He was really the most affectionate, wonderful boyfriend when we were together, and I think I totally blew it by not allowing the relationship to develop naturally.

 

In order to not be too depressed and sad over the relationship ending, I tell myself that - if he really was the right guy for me - he would not have dumped me, but instead would have tried to talk it out and find a solution we were both happy with. Also, at the beginning of a relationship, isn't it normal to want to see each other all the time, especially once you started being intimate with each other? So the fact that he was happy with only seeing me 2-3 times a week, indicates that he was not that much into me anyway, right?

 

Sorry for my rambling, would really appreciate your thoughts and experiences.

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Moving to a new place, finding a boyfriend, and allowing him to be your only social outlet: yep, been in those shoes. That situation turns even he most independent woman into a clingy needy mess.

 

Him wanting to see you 2-3 days a week (after 2.5 months of dating) sounds pretty reasonable to me. Did you ever call him when you felt like too much time had passed since he called? Or did you just wait for him to call?

 

Not what you want to hear, but I think you would be best served taking a hiatus from dating, and spending a few months really working on building a friendship base. It's super lonely for a while (seriously, I feel your pain, the same thing happened to me), but not having a boyfriend to lean on forces you to make new connections. Having a well-rounded life prior to dating a new guy will help these problems a lot.

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I've had this happen, too. It hurts! The guy I dated did the same thing and it left me bewildered and blaming myself...like you are. Then I met another guy. What a difference! We spent almost all of our free time together. If he needed a bit of time alone, then he lovingly told me. But it was clear that he enjoyed my company the most. This is the way it should be with a guy who is into you!

The right guy doesn't say I love you and then bail. He talks to you. You work it out. He wants to spend most all of his time with you. He calls you every day because he wants to.

I read an article once that sometimes a guy will pursue and get a woman to love him before he decides if he really wants the whole deal. Makes sense to me. I also know that some guys prefer time alone or with buddies over.time with a girlfriend. I don't think those guys make good boyfriends. Not for me anyway. I don't date loner types either, unless they want a partner to be loners together with.

Just move on, make friends, and date. It will click with the right guy. Not your fault what happened.

Edited by blueskyday
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Ninjainpajamas

He's seeing other women/woman/has a GF...standard protocol really.

 

I'm sorry that he lied to you, but "Mr. Perfect" has learned how to come off that way....because it's not who he actually is, he knows how to play with your heart and your mind and he has no qualms about hurting women to get what he wants...it's called being selfish.

 

I'm sure he'll be crying for some girl sooner or later, that he left in the wake of his charade...however judging from the length of time it's not going to be you.

 

Although he may come back to try and take a stab at it (your vagina) every now and again.

 

You didn't blow anything....you got played, don't be a dummy and blame this on yourself, if you knew the whole story you'd feel like a fool for even thinking so.

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I remember when your last boyfriend broke up with you. It was shortly after I broke up with my last boyfriend. I've been with my current one for something like nine weeks now, and I still feel like things are really new and I'm trying to take it slow. I think 2-3 times per week is really good, and more than I'd want to commit to something that early.

 

It is really so important for you to slow down, maybe take some time before getting into another relationship, and really become happy with spending time on your own. I LOVE being by myself. I love hanging out with friends. I make friends either through work, or through hobbies, or sometimes just completely randomly (because I'll literally chat up anyone, even total strangers).

 

You really need to be happy with yourself. And I don't mean just "liking" yourself, but really have fun being on your own.

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I've dumped all 4 of my dates, but not for that reason.

 

I can understand the part about moving too fast. I've been working on myself for months, and it would really mess things up if I stared seeing someone right now. There's a lot I need to do first... clean the place up, quit my old job, get the rest of my s. together... stuff like that.

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Untouchable_Fire

For the last week I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what happened and I think I know now. I was being too 'needy' and 'clingy'.

When we were together everything was perfect, but when we were not, he often would not call me for two days or more and I was lucky if I got a short text in between. I told him that this made me feel like he did not care and even though he assured me he just was not into texting, if he called me after 3 days of silence I couldn't help myself from saying something like: "Oh, so you still remember my number?"

 

Anyway, so I think he felt pressured to spend most of his time with me and to be responsible for my 'entertainment', which no person should ever be.

 

Sorry for my rambling, would really appreciate your thoughts and experiences.

 

I'm a guy. I've never dumped a woman because the relationship moved too fast. I control the pace of the relationship... so it never moves too fast or too slow. The real trick is understanding the speed your partner is comfortable with. Some like it fast then slow, some slow then fast and doing something to accommodate that.

 

Also... when I really like a woman... I don't ignore her for days on end. That is what a guy does when he isnt very serious or even interested.

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Gottabestrong

Thank you all for your replies, it really helps. It's also good to see that there are different opinions out there, seems like some think I was too needy and others that he was just not that into me.

 

Keep your posts coming if you have ever been in a situation like that or have thoughts on my particular situation.

 

Treasa, how much time passed between your breakup and your current guy? If we broke up with our exes at the same time, and you have been with your new bf for 9 weeks, it can't have been much. Why do you think I should take time out from dating, if you have not? I am asking for real, do you think my situation is different because I moved to a new place or because I got dumped by my last ex as well? I don't mind spending time by myself, but I've been here for 4 months and made one friend. It's sad to be on your own 99% of the time.

 

I don't need to have a boyfriend around me all the time, and I was not looking to get into something serious with my last guy, but he won me over by being so attentive, affectionate, and seemingly in love with me. I asked him to take it slow and not rush into something serious, I also told him that I just got out of a relationship, and was not fully healed. But he said he did not mind and he would wait for me to be ready and that he really cared for me. It took me up until 2 months into dating to open my heart up to him and really start moving on from my ex. Two weeks later he dumped me. I now feel like he was happy with the relationship as long as I was not fully invested, but once he saw that he really 'had me' he felt suffocated.

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Personally, I haven't, but I was also wreck-less and far less mature then I have been lately, re-evaluating how to handle a situation such as a relationship to promote a higher success rate. Like Kimberly said, both parties in the situation made big moves, too early, which may have attributed to the cold feet. Take it slow and easy, not so slow that they think you're exhibiting no interest, but not so fast that after the first few months there's nothing left to do/say.

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Gottabestrong
Him wanting to see you 2-3 days a week (after 2.5 months of dating) sounds pretty reasonable to me. Did you ever call him when you felt like too much time had passed since he called? Or did you just wait for him to call?

 

I called him as well. I also texted, but I stopped after a while because he usually took a whole day or longer to get back to me. When I asked him about it, he said he did not like texting, so I stopped. But when I missed him and had not heard from him in two days or so, I would call him sometimes.

 

Usually the first thing he would say after picking up the phone was; "I am sorry I have not called you in a few days, but I totally lost track of time and did not want to wake you", or "I went out with my friends and just did not have a minute to call you...". Without me even asking him why he had not called. I told him that I did not want him to feel like he was required to call me, but I loved hearing his voice, even if it was only for a 5-minute call per day.

 

He would always say that he would change and call or text more, but he never did. So after a few weeks, when he would say things like: "I'll call you later" when we spent the night together and said goodbye in the morning before going to work, I would reply with: "Don't promise something you can't keep." And quite often, he actually did not call, even though he promised. And when I finally called him two days later, he was all apologetic. So I said: "I don't want you to apologize, I want you to be a man of your word. If you say you are going to do something, I want to be able to rely on the fact that you will."

 

Was that too harsh of me?

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So I said: "I don't want you to apologize, I want you to be a man of your word. If you say you are going to do something, I want to be able to rely on the fact that you will."

 

Was that too harsh of me?

 

Glad you called and texted him. I only asked because there's been a rash of women on here complaining that their boyfriends don't call enough, only to admit they NEVER call their boyfriends. It's become a pet peeve of mine.

 

Yeah, what you told him was kind of harsh... but I think he deserved it.

 

His level of contact seemed pretty normal given how new you two were, until you mentioned that he ignored messages and wouldn't call you when he said he would. That's just rude. I wonder... would you have put up with his behavior if you still lived in your hometown (or wherever you just moved from)? You seem logical and confident, so I'm wondering why you let yourself develop feelings for a guy who couldn't even call when he said he would (even if he were fantastic when you were with him).

 

I stuck with my ex (the one I met shortly after moving) far longer than I would've if I had a real support network. I was afraid to be alone. By that I mean afraid of being truly alone--no friends or relatives--not just afraid of being single. Can I ask, where you moved to? I moved across the country almost four years ago, and dealt with similar issues you are. It took a long time to really feel at home here, so I really do relate.

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No, I don't think you were too harsh. I really don't think a man "in love" will go for 3 days without contact. That's just not right. That's what I'm learning too.. The simple phrase that says it all - actions speak louder than words.. and I know it sucks. sorry..

But you like what you like, and now you've learned that you desire someone that contacts you more, and no doubt there are men that will be into that. If a man can't even do that, he's not the right guy for you.. Good luck sister :)

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