Rejection feels so painful all the time

[Necris]

Seriously why does rejection have to feel so painful?

 

I noticed its always particular painful when its not a cold-approach rejection (cold approach rejections don't really sting much) and if you aren't exactly expecting it, especially if you are feeling super confident at first.

 

Like today I got rejected when I asked out a woman who has just kind of become a part of my social circle though I only knew her for a couple of weeks, she seemed nice and we got along great but she wasn't interested and when she rejected me at first I felt sort of surprised and it seemed somewhat funny mainly due to the whole awkwardness of the situation, but then after I walked off I felt that crushing feeling of despair that pierced my heart. I almost had to fight back a tear as pathetic as that sounds. Now the whole mood of my day has changed.

 

Plus now I may have lost a potential friend, and associate. I think this is one of the reasons I have so few women in my social circle, I keep trying to ask them out.

 

Honestly I think dating, relationships, sex, etc. just isn't for me its not like I've experienced anything else other than rejection. Perhaps this isn't part of my purpose.

[mesmerized]

How did you ask her out? One thing that might help you avoid rejections is to gauge their interest carefully before asking them out. flirt with them, see if they flirt back. Get their number and text them once in a while, see if they are responsive. Don't go for the "would you like to go out with me" right away.

 

Sorry you feel this way but it will pass. Hope you feel better soon.

[Archgirl]

Rejection hurts so that the 1 time out of 100 (or whatever) you don't get rejected it feels awesome. Don't put so much self worth into it, no one is here for the sole purpose of dating silly!

It's a numbers game, the more you weed out, the more likely those left are to be what you want

[c57dood]

You have to build a rapport first before you ask a woman out. Women, in general, are defensive and hesitant when interacting with a man they don't know too well.

 

Your approach should be light hearted, playful, and cheerful. You must get her laughing, smiling, and HAPPY to be in your presence! Focus on your strengths, and project to her "I'm a great guy that you're missing out on!" Get it?

[316]

Unless if you're a Calvin Klein model you're going to get rejected here and there... It happens to everyone (probably even some Calvin Klein models at some point).

 

Work on your confidence and your timing and I think you'll be in business! Dating is like riding a bike... Just because you fall off every once in a while it doesn't mean you should quit riding. Brush the scrapes off and keep going till you get it just right.

[Necris]

Unless if you're a Calvin Klein model you're going to get rejected here and there... It happens to everyone (probably even some Calvin Klein models at some point).

 

Work on your confidence and your timing and I think you'll be in business! Dating is like riding a bike... Just because you fall off every once in a while it doesn't mean you should quit riding. Brush the scrapes off and keep going till you get it just right.

 

But if you can't even move your bike and every attempt to simply get on the bike always ends up with you on the floor, half a second later, and you've been trying for years without even the tiniest bit of progress.....

 

And confidence doesn't help anyone, regardless of how confident I'm feeling, I'm always rejected. As for today's example I was actually feeling extremely confident today, women honestly could care less, besides its not like they can psychically detect confidence. Unfortunately rejection seems to hurt more when I'm feeling confident in myself.

[Necris]

How did you ask her out? One thing that might help you avoid rejections is to gauge their interest carefully before asking them out. flirt with them, see if they flirt back. Get their number and text them once in a while, see if they are responsive. Don't go for the "would you like to go out with me" right away.

 

Sorry you feel this way but it will pass. Hope you feel better soon.

 

Unfortunately its extremely difficult to gauge interest for me. Women never flirt with me so it becomes difficult to pick up any possible subtle flirtation. Plus I have a habit of always mistaking friendliness for interest like in this situation. Though I get what you are saying.

 

As for how I asked her out.

This is after talking to her for a few minutes about other stuff.

Me: So [her name] are you busy this weekend....

(I was going to add more but she kind of interrupted)

Her: I um... meeting someone on the weekend for... valentine's day, yeah... meeting someone.... , sorry have a nice day.

(the way she said this kind of makes me doubt she is doing something with someone on valentine's day, just seemed odd, too many stutters and pauses)

Me: Oh, oh okay then, well I have to go, see you around.

[316]

But if you can't even move your bike and every attempt to simply get on the bike always ends up with you on the floor, half a second later, and you've been trying for years without even the tiniest bit of progress.....

 

And confidence doesn't help anyone, regardless of how confident I'm feeling, I'm always rejected. As for today's example I was actually feeling extremely confident today, women honestly could care less, besides its not like they can psychically detect confidence. Unfortunately rejection seems to hurt more when I'm feeling confident in myself.

 

You definitely have a long way to go my friend... Confidence plays a HUGE role in getting women. Women love a confident man. But of course confidence isn't the only factor. Your personality, status, looks, etc. also play a big role. Sometimes you get the girl sometimes you don't.

 

And judging by your posts you don't seem like a very confident person at all. Just because you were confident the day you asked her out it doesn't mean you're confident all the time! Maybe she detected that?

 

Before you can date you NEED confidence in yourself. Put yourself in the woman's shoes for a second... Would you want to date yourself knowing how un-confident you are?

 

In my opinion getting a date with a girl is as easy as this...

1) Have CONFIDENCE in yourself (possibly the biggest factor)

2) A nice/fun personality (everyone has a unique quality that makes them stand out... just have to find out what that quality is)

3) Dress nice, maintain good hygiene, and stay well groomed

4) Avoid asking out women that are clearly way beyond your dating league (be confident but have realistic expectations)

5) Don't be afraid of rejection! This is where confidence really helps. When a girl says "no" you're response mentally should always be "pfft... Her loss!" Not a self-deprecating rant on LS.

 

Master those 5 steps and I would personally guarantee you'd find a date within weeks. But the biggest part of you is confidence. Just believe me man women do indeed feed off of confidence. Maybe reading confidence guides or something will help?

 

I hope I helped.

[MrCastle]

Confidence does have a lot to do with it. Inner confidence. You can't fake it or put on an act. I really believe I can have any woman I set my eyes on. I just automatically assume women will dig me, just because I have a lot to offer. Not in a cocky way, just in the sense that, I feel most women will either look at me positively or neutrally. Never negatively. You can't fake that sort of thing.

 

It seems as if when you ask them out, you create this huge scenario in your mind, and in the back of your mind, anticipate rejection.

 

I don't really ask a girl out per se. I tell her to come out with me, I don't ask as if I'm seeking permission.

 

Wrong:

-can I have your number or something?

-can we go out or something?

 

Right:

-give me your number

-let's go out sometime

 

Big difference between the two.

[Necris]

You definitely have a long way to go my friend... Confidence plays a HUGE role in getting women. Women love a confident man. But of course confidence isn't the only factor. Your personality, status, looks, etc. also play a big role. Sometimes you get the girl sometimes you don't.

 

And judging by your posts you don't seem like a very confident person at all. Just because you were confident the day you asked her out it doesn't mean you're confident all the time! Maybe she detected that?

 

Before you can date you NEED confidence in yourself. Put yourself in the woman's shoes for a second... Would you want to date yourself knowing how un-confident you are?

 

In my opinion getting a date with a girl is as easy as this...

1) Have CONFIDENCE in yourself (possibly the biggest factor)

2) A nice/fun personality (everyone has a unique quality that makes them stand out... just have to find out what that quality is)

3) Dress nice, maintain good hygiene, and stay well groomed

4) Avoid asking out women that are clearly way beyond your dating league (be confident but have realistic expectations)

5) Don't be afraid of rejection! This is where confidence really helps. When a girl says "no" you're response mentally should always be "pfft... Her loss!" Not a self-deprecating rant on LS.

 

Master those 5 steps and I would personally guarantee you'd find a date within weeks. But the biggest part of you is confidence. Just believe me man women do indeed feed off of confidence. Maybe reading confidence guides or something will help?

 

I hope I helped.

 

Confidence has never helped me in anything, and no I don't go around saying "woe as me" I'm usually the funny, nerdy guy I'm not going around crying and telling women all my dating woes.

 

Also come on now, "Just because you were confident the day you asked her out it doesn't mean you're confident all the time! Maybe she detected that?" you serious? Is she going to use her psychic abilities to detect past lack of confidence?

 

No one can feel absolutely confident in everything they do every day that's just impossible, without being totally delusion in yourself. Some days like the beginning of today I feel very confident other days like right now I have little confidence, this makes no difference in anything.

[316]

I was just throwing out hypotheticals man but I'm just being real here anyone who says the following on an internet forum: "Honestly I think dating, relationships, sex, etc. just isn't for me its not like I've experienced anything else other than rejection. Perhaps this isn't part of my purpose" is not a confident person when it comes to relationships no matter how they try to spin it. You've allowed these women that have rejected you to determine your self worth which is the complete opposite of how a confident person acts.

 

I'm no love expert but I do know for a fact that no decent women will want to date a man who doesn't have any confidence in himself and that's undeniable. You might THINK you're acting confident around these women when you probably aren't. But you know yourself better than I do so if you're confidence is where it needs to be then you're either asking the wrong women out (lower your standards) or there's something fundamentally wrong with how you're asking women out.

 

Good luck.

[SJC2008]

Here we go! It'll pass; Have confidence; Give them time to warm up, mind you if you waited: You have to make your intentions clear early on or you'll get fz'd. I bet all these replies are from people who have never, or only minimally struggled with the opposite sex.

 

Don' be embarrassed about having to hold back a tear. You're human man! When I was 29 I tried to start dating again after not trying since I was 17. I had a few rejections and started to worry about being too old to find someone in time to settle down. I was eating lunch in my car holding back tears. You're not alone:)

[SJC2008]

I was just throwing out hypotheticals man but I'm just being real here anyone who says the following on an internet forum: "Honestly I think dating, relationships, sex, etc. just isn't for me its not like I've experienced anything else other than rejection. Perhaps this isn't part of my purpose" is not a confident person when it comes to relationships no matter how they try to spin it. You've allowed these women that have rejected you to determine your self worth which is the complete opposite of how a confident person acts.

 

I'm no love expert but I do know for a fact that no decent women will want to date a man who doesn't have any confidence in himself and that's undeniable. You might THINK you're acting confident around these women when you probably aren't. But you know yourself better than I do so if you're confidence is where it needs to be then you're either asking the wrong women out (lower your standards) or there's something fundamentally wrong with how you're asking women out.

 

Good luck.

 

What are signs of not being confident? You didn't ask him ANY details of the scenario before you spouted out confidence and timing. Just because you have the sack to ask a woman out doesn't guarentee jack shyt. They have to be attracted to you first. Unless you walk around with your head down and your knees shake like Ichabod Crane, telling someone to be confident is smoke filled coffee house crap.

[ascendotum]

Rejection hurts so that the 1 time out of 100 (or whatever) you don't get rejected it feels awesome. Don't put so much self worth into it, no one is here for the sole purpose of dating silly!

It's a numbers game, the more you weed out, the more likely those left are to be what you want

 

Girl: So what was special about me that made you take me out tonight?

Necris: You said yes to me..

Girl: errrrr. weeelll um, that makes me feel special kind of sort of not.

Necris: You are really special to me, you're the only 1 in a 100 that said yes.

 

OP, it can sting more when you get rejected my a girl in your social group. Typically because you have built up a rapport with her and fallen in love with her personality + often you risk the girl becoming less friendly towards you afterwards. You really got to suss out some indicators of interest from her more, by doing a little flirting beforehand, like M said.

Your subtle approach "So [her name] are you busy this weekend....", shouldn't make things awkward with her in the future though hopefully.

 

Don't do the rounds asking out all the girls in your social circle (unless they don't associate with each other). You are still young, just a slow starter.

[Necris]

 

In my opinion getting a date with a girl is as easy as this...

1) Have CONFIDENCE in yourself (possibly the biggest factor)

2) A nice/fun personality (everyone has a unique quality that makes them stand out... just have to find out what that quality is)

3) Dress nice, maintain good hygiene, and stay well groomed

4) Avoid asking out women that are clearly way beyond your dating league (be confident but have realistic expectations)

5) Don't be afraid of rejection! This is where confidence really helps. When a girl says "no" you're response mentally should always be "pfft... Her loss!" Not a self-deprecating rant on LS.

 

As for number 4 the girls I ask out are if using the attractiveness scale between 4 and 6, the girl I got rejected by was about a 4.

 

As for number 5 I can't help control the pain I feel when I'm rejected it feels more like an automatic response honestly. Now I don't have a fear of rejection as I still approach women but I'll always hate the inevitable feeling.

 

Now if I'm rejected doing a cold-approach yeah sometimes I can be like "pfft...who cares" but I'll always hate social circle rejections, getting rejected by someone you know always feels more painful plus its a very fast way to eliminate female associates from your social circle.

 

As for number 3 and 2 to my knowledge I do that. Amongst the people I know I'm a funny nice guy. Also of course I make sure to shower, wear clean clothes (I even have a few designer jeans not that anybody would care I just like the feel), etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry necris

 

Yeah you lack confidence in a big way. I do too, so I know how it is. I also have this internal record that tells me "I am just not good at dating and relationships, I am meant to be alone". Every little failure just reinforces it. It's a self-defeating cycle.

 

I also suggest that you build a rapport with a girl before asking her out. As mes said, text her, Facebook her, see if she promptly responds to messages, if she is asking you questions, if she seems to want to get to know you. You don't even have to flirt really.

[animalover]

Rejections and break ups are the dark side of the dating fun! Some people get rejected more than others but judging by your post I also see that you are very picky for being a guy with not much options...

Sometimes if you want to get somewhere in dating and gain self confidence you will need to settle for less than what you originally want...

Sorry for breaking it like this to you but life is not always fair...

[Necris]

Rejections and break ups are the dark side of the dating fun! Some people get rejected more than others but judging by your post I also see that you are very picky for being a guy with not much options...

Sometimes if you want to get somewhere in dating and gain self confidence you will need to settle for less than what you originally want...

Sorry for breaking it like this to you but life is not always fair...

 

Picky?

 

Why is that?

 

I'm not going after the hottest women, the girl that rejected me for example would be considered a 4/10 to some people in terms of purely looks as she is a little below average in that department. Most girls I talk to are average plain girls.

[animalover]

Picky?

 

Why is that?

 

I'm not going after the hottest women, the girl that rejected me for example would be considered a 4/10 to some people in terms of purely looks as she is a little below average in that department. Most girls I talk to are average plain girls.

 

Sorry I don't mean this concrete post... I have seen your comments in some posts where you claim you would not want to date a woman who has had casual sex in the past... for example. Don't get me wrong, I would not want to date a woman who has been casual about sex either but that shrinks your options terribly!

If you are a guy with options you can be picky...if you struggle to date... I guess you will need to be a bit more open minded!

[Cutiepie1976]

Sorry to hear things didn't pan out, Necris.

 

If it helps, everyone gets rejected. It's hard not to feel hurt, not to let it get to you sometimes. It will eventually be worth it when you have a girlfriend. Just keep trying.

 

Getting to a yes is a bit of a numbers game. Of 100 women asked, only a handful will say yes. One thing that might help is to have a reason why you are even approaching a particular girl. What about her gets you excited? From your posts here, it seems you asked her out because she was female, single, and friendly...and so plain that she just had to say yes because she had no options. No one wants to feel as if you are dating her because she has a vagina and was the only person to say yes. Everyone wants to feel special and attractive to the guys they date...even a 1 or 2. Someone somewhere sees her inner and outer beauty. Were you even attracted to this girl?

 

I agree with others. Focus on building rapport a bit more beforehand. Spend a little more time with the person first.

 

Also, I don't think it's a good idea to ask out almost every woman in your social circle. It begins to look as if you are just trying to get any woman to date you, not just focusing on someone you find very special and exciting. If you get a reputation like that, it becomes near impossible to get anyone in the group to say yes.

 

As for your reaction? Perfectly normal. Who wouldn't feel hurt? Who wouldn't take it a little personally sometimes? Who wouldn't want to cry on occasion? Who has never felt despair about never meeting someone special? Everyone feels that way at some point. We forget once we are in a relationship. You are simply being human in your response.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

Edited February 12, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Archgirl]

Girl: So what was special about me that made you take me out tonight?

Necris: You said yes to me..

Girl: errrrr. weeelll um, that makes me feel special kind of sort of not.

Necris: You are really special to me, you're the only 1 in a 100 that said yes.

 

OP, it can sting more when you get rejected my a girl in your social group. Typically because you have built up a rapport with her and fallen in love with her personality + often you risk the girl becoming less friendly towards you afterwards. You really got to suss out some indicators of interest from her more, by doing a little flirting beforehand, like M said.

Your subtle approach "So [her name] are you busy this weekend....", shouldn't make things awkward with her in the future though hopefully.

 

Don't do the rounds asking out all the girls in your social circle (unless they don't associate with each other). You are still young, just a slow starter.

Bahahahaha! Owned! Fair enough.

Sorry was trying to be supportive but I probably can't really relate.

Good on you for giving such an empathetic response

[Untouchable_Fire]

Picky?

Why is that?

I'm not going after the hottest women, the girl that rejected me for example would be considered a 4/10 to some people in terms of purely looks as she is a little below average in that department. Most girls I talk to are average plain girls.

 

How old are you?

 

Do you get really nervous when asking a girl out?

[pteromom]

I can't help control the pain I feel when I'm rejected it feels more like an automatic response honestly. Now I don't have a fear of rejection as I still approach women but I'll always hate the inevitable feeling.

 

You have to work on not personalizing the rejection, which is a process to learn.

 

There are many reasons a woman may say "NO" that have nothing to do with you personally. Maybe she's dating someone else. Maybe she is really crushing on someone else (possibly in your same social circle) and doesn't want to date anyone else. Maybe she has some weird standard or dealbreaker that is in play. Maybe she just came out of a bad relationship and is taking a break from dating.

 

You need to assume it's not you, but it's her. Just making this shift will allow you to stop feeling the sting of rejection in such a powerful way.

 

Dating is a numbers game. The more women you approach, the more likely you'll find those who are open to dating you.

[TouchedByViolet]

First of all, I'm sorry to here about your struggles. I have had many struggles with trying to get dates as well and can relate to the frustration and pain.

 

Lots of bad advice in this thread. Never settle for less than makes you happy. You are human and it is totally normal to feel bad after getting rejected by someone who you know well and have spent time with quite a bit. Especially when rejection happens nearly exclusively.

 

I think the best thing for you is to expand your social circle as much as possible, meet more women, chat with them, and try to find a girl who likes you enough to go on a date.

 

A lot of this confidence talk is total garbage. I have never heard a guy/girl reject someone because he/she didn't have enough confidence.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You have to work on not personalizing the rejection, which is a process to learn.

There are many reasons a woman may say "NO" that have nothing to do with you personally. Maybe she's dating someone else. Maybe she is really crushing on someone else (possibly in your same social circle) and doesn't want to date anyone else. Maybe she has some weird standard or dealbreaker that is in play. Maybe she just came out of a bad relationship and is taking a break from dating.

You need to assume it's not you, but it's her. Just making this shift will allow you to stop feeling the sting of rejection in such a powerful way.

Dating is a numbers game. The more women you approach, the more likely you'll find those who are open to dating you.

 

You tend to be one of the best advice givers on this site... but for some reason Ladies don't seem to grasp this particular issue.

 

Romantic rejection can be an enormous fall and some of these guys don't have a giant pile of confidence and self esteem to land on. When I was 16 and just learning this stuff, I had great friends, a loving family, and I was a a very good athlete.

 

So... I don't think it's realistic for a low confidence guy to just pretend that the problem isn't his... especially when he has never had real success. I can't see a good solution.