'moving to fast.we should work on a friendship first'

January 25, 2013

I am so confused and i just need other peoples advice and opinions based on my situation.

i recently was told the "i think we were moving to fast.. we should work on a friendship first" line from the guy i've been talking/dating for the past 4 months.

I am 23 and this man will be 27 in a few months.. we originally met a year ago through friends. we never really talked in the beginning (he's a very shy person until he gets to know you), but was always nice to me. we hung out over the summer a few times with the same friends. but, everything changed when fall semester started.

One night we were all hanging out and he told me he liked me and was interested in talking to me. i of course brushed him off thinking it was the alcohol talking and didn't pay no mind to him.

but, the following weekend he became more persistent and told me straight up he liked me and wanted to start talking to me.

I was hesitant at first i just got out of a 3 year relationship and wasn't sure if i was ready to start anything new. another issue was before i met him i hooked up with one of his friends a few months back. i figured that would be a deal breaker so i told him that night i slept with his friend in the past and all he said was he didn't care. i also told him that by feeding me these lines that i wasn't going to hook up with him anytime soon and he said he wasn't looking for that type of relationship with me. i believed him and decided to give him a shot.

Right away he started blowing my phone up. always texting me wanting to talk to me. he works two jobs and goes to grad school i knew he was busy, but he always made time for me to hang out, go on dates and everything. in the beginning i only looked at him as a friend, but the more i got to know him and way he was acting towards me i started to really like this guy. about 2 month later - one night we got drunk and went back to his place.. we were about to have sex, but things weren't working out so i was about to leave figuring i didn't need to stay anyways because i wasn't his girlfriend. he immediately started to freak out and looked like he was about to cry and started saying that he was worried that i was talking to other guys and everything (which i honestly wasn't)..

Eventually the fight got worse were he admitted that i was perfect in every way, but i have one main fault and that was sleeping with his friend in the past. the next morning i was upset about that being my only fault, but he told me he will look past it.

a month later we got into another fight because he posted a tweet on twitter about taking another girl out on a date.. i felt insecure and snapped at him. he told me it was a joke between him and his friends and that i don't have to worry about this girl at all. he also threw it in my face that we were not in a relationship anyways so i have no right to get mad.

I hate fighting so i immediately apologized to him and figured he was right.. we aren't together so i have no right to say what he can and cannot do, but i explained myself on why i was upset and he said he understood.

unfortunetly 2 days later i posted a pic up on instagram of just food that one of my guy friends brought over one night while i studying for finals. we watched a movie and i was quoting some movie quotes from the movie we were watching on twitter. the next morning when i woke up the guy i was talking to blew my phone up freaking out saying that he knew i was talking to other guys that he knew he couldn't trust me because he saw my tweets and instagram photo. let's just say it was a horrible fight with him accusing me of talking to other guys. he kept asking if i had sex with any other guy or cuddled with another guy while we talking and everything. (and honestly no i wasn't to both)

We ended up making up, but because of that fight he told me he was not ready for a relationship anytime soon. he explained to me that he has a lot of trust issues due to his past serious relationship. his ex that he dated for 5 years and was ready to propose to cheated on him for 4 years with other guys and some of his close guy friends. she never told him about it, he found out by looking through her facebook and phone. he explained to me that he thought he was ready to start a new relationship that's why he started talking to me, but now realized he isn't because of his trust issues he's extremely scared of getting hurt again.

I told him that i liked him and cared for him and that i was willing to wait for him. i don't mind that he has issues based on his past relationship.. i was willing to work on it with him even though i knew i would have to wait.

but, everything changed since then... he became extremely distant with me. he unfollowed me on all social networks saying that he didn't want to see what i would post, because sometimes it gave him the wrong idea that i'm talking to someone else. i would text him and he would text me back but it would be very short. i would want to hang out with him but he was always busy.

I'll be honest i started to freak out. i was so used to talking to this guy every day for 3 months and then he suddenly was changing the way he was acting.. i wasn't used to that.

2 weeks later we got into another fight.. it was my fault i will admit it. i freaked out because of the distance he was putting up between us. he told me he was scared and was distancing himself from me and that he was falling for me and it freaked him out.. we ended up talking in person and he said he didn't know about us anymore and that he would make a better friend than anything. he said he has these trust issues, he has a hard time opening up and when he wants to be left alone i have a hard time dealing with it..

I told him i wasn't going anywhere still and he said alright, but that i needed to realize that he was not stringing me along. he was just not ready for a relationship right now and that he needed to get his head together.

but unfortunately everything ended up getting soo much worse. he distanced himself even more from me. we hardly ever saw each other even though we were on winter break and he lives right up the street from me.

this whole distance thing lasted for about a month.. i was constantly chasing after him trying to fix things, texting him first and always wanting to see him. i should have probably left him alone, but i didn't want him to think of me as his ex or the other girls he talked to in the past and that just gave up on him because of his issues. i really really tried.

Eventually we got into another fight.. he told me we wouldn't work out and i needed to understand this. i asked why and he said "my family is racist (i'm white & he is black), i have slept with one of his good friends in the past, i acted like his girlfriend when we weren't together and i got mad at him for the littlest things" he also said that it bothers him that i would talk about him to other people when in reality i really don't (honestly just 2 other ppl when it comes to him needing advice on what to do) and that i believe what others say to much when it comes to him.

i explained to him that my family wasn't racist.. they wouldn't be that fond of the idea of me with a black guy, but if they met him and saw that he was a good guy things would have worked out. i told him that he couldn't hold the fact that i hooked up with one of his friends in the past because in all honesty i didn't even know he existed during this time i met him afterwards. the reason why i acted like his girlfriend was because i honestly don't know how to act with a guy when were just 'talking'.

I was in a serious relationship for 3 years before him and before that i was in others (i haven't really been single in 7 years-was always in relationships) but i would always ask him how i should act towards him and he would say "like how you've been acting" .. i also explained to him the reason why i would always get mad was because i didn't understand why he was distancing himself from me and never wanting to see me when in the beginning he would always want to talk to me and see me. i also told him that i don't talk about him to other people at all except with 2 other people when i need advice and that i don't believe what other people tell me about him because he told me before he would always be straightforward with me.

i then got the line, "we were moving to fast in my eyes. i think we should concentrate on a friendship first"

I really don't know what to do now i am honestly afraid to loose this guy.. i'm not blaming him for how everything turned out. it was both of our faults.. i shouldn't have let my guard down and did some of the things i did and he shouldn't have said some of things he said to me that made me think he was extremely serious about me.

it's been a week since he said that to me.. i'm trying to leave him alone. we ended up hooking up one night though. the next day i tried to act like everything was alright, but eventually told him that since were friends now i'm not going to become his **** buddy.. he then became distant from me giving me one word answers over texts and everything. i put myself out there and said i wanted to go back to how we were and take things slow just how he wants to do it, but he never said anything back to me.

I really honestly don't know what to do.. so i deleted his number to help me leave him alone.

but, in honesty what would you guys do? would you wait for him? opinions? advice? .. i really don't even know how to act in this situation with him.. this is the first time for me dealing with this type of situation

Edited January 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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January 25, 2013

I really don't know what to do now i am honestly afraid to loose this guy..

It sounds to me like you've already lost him. He also sounds like a boatload of drama that you don't need. I really don't understand all these fights you all are constantly having over whether your not each of you is seeing other people when you weren't even exclusive...I mean, just have an exclusive relationship. The whole story is a little bizarre.

I really honestly don't know what to do.. so i deleted his number to help me leave him alone.

Good.

but, in honesty what would you guys do? would you wait for him? opinions? advice?

Forget him, move on, and find a guy who has less drama. Don't wait for him. That would be ridiculous.

January 25, 2013

Everything up to this paragraph sounds pretty normal for a relationship. There are ups and downs in all of them.

Eventually we got into another fight.. he told me we wouldn't work out and i needed to understand this. i asked why and he said "my family is racist (i'm white & he is black), i have slept with one of his good friends in the past, i acted like his girlfriend when we weren't together and i got mad at him for the littlest things" he also said that it bothers him that i would talk about him to other people when in reality i really don't (honestly just 2 other ppl when it comes to him needing advice on what to do) and that i believe what others say to much when it comes to him.

i explained to him that my family wasn't racist.. they wouldn't be that fond of the idea of me with a black guy, but if they met him and saw that he was a good guy things would have worked out. i told him that he couldn't hold the fact that i hooked up with one of his friends in the past because in all honesty i didn't even know he existed during this time i met him afterwards. the reason why i acted like his girlfriend was because i honestly don't know how to act with a guy when were just 'talking'.

Interracial relationships still make people more uncomfortable than they will usually admit. He is just saying the honest truth. His family is probably quite racist, especially the women in it.

Odds are your own family is not as open to this as you think. There is a good chance that choosing to date interracial will mean that some relatives won't talk to you as much. Some of your friends may not even like it all that much and they may not like that you are serious about a black man.

Race will be the hardest thing to deal with.

Your acting like his GF when you weren't together, nagging him etc.... That's something that can be worked out. One thing to work out is to define your relationship if you get a chance to.

Your seeming to believe or even listen to what other people say about him is something your going to have to work on. Right now I am not even in a relationship with a young lady.... but there have been times when her and others did not notice me in the room, she would take up for me. If anything makes me think I might just love her it is that. There's nothing a man wants more in a long term mate than someone who has his back.

It sounds like you really like eachother. You know why? Because when you don't there's never an argument or dispute or discomfort. When you don't like them you are indifferent to them. The question is there enough there to try again and build on? Only the two of you can figure that out.

Give him some space, and if he dosen't contact you at all in a month reach out to him. Remember if this is meant to be a truly long LTR a month isn't that long at all.

January 25, 2013

I really honestly don't know what to do.. so i deleted his number to help me leave him alone.
but, in honesty what would you guys do?

All the fights/arguments... and you're not even in a relationship. I don't think this is going to work, so deleting his number seems like a good plan.

January 26, 2013

You deserve better than crap like that. There's no such thing as moving too fast if he's into you. IMO if you deal with this guy at all anymore it's for the drama. Can't be for anything else.

February 1, 2013

I am so confused and i just need other peoples advice and opinions based on my situation.

i recently was told the "i think we were moving to fast.. we should work on a friendship first" line from the guy i've been talking/dating for the past 5 months.