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Old 30th January 2013, 3:57 AM   #1
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# of sexual partners changing my decision on moving forward?

Question. I have met a couple girls off the internet, pof and okcupid and the like. And my ex and I were our firsts. I have a big hangup re: these new girls having had many previous sexual partners. I believe it lies in this bit of logic I am about to post for you. I am hoping someone can either blow it apart or somehow convince me that it's okay to go near these girl's private locations.

Currently I have just been giving them the female equivalent of blue balls.....

The best, and most clear explanation I have, and believe that is the root of my issue is with these two conversations:


Virgin gal:
Me: How many sexual partners have you had?
Her: I am a virgin, I haven't yet met a man who is worthy of sleeping with me.
Me: You have high standards. If you have sex with me, that means you think I am awesome. You value me as a person and a human being.


Experienced gal:
Me: How many sexual partners have you had?
Her: About 50, I go through maybe 12 a year.
Me: You have low standards. If you have sex with me, it doesn't mean I am important or valued by you in any way. I am only a sex object to you.

I hope someone can help me out here as I think I would like to bang some of these girls, one of them explicitly told me they wanted to but I told her I am not interested due to this issue.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:07 AM   #2
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Get over your ego.

Or, base your being 'impotant and valued' on the feedback you get from her after sex, having been told you're fantastic in bed. If you don't get told that, practice until you do.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:11 AM   #3
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Having several sexual partners isn't about having low standards.
You have sex with different people for different reasons.

I think a persons sexual past is irrelevant, and if you asked me, I'd refuse to answer.

There's currently a big thread on this in the 'Cheating, Jealousy' section which might help you out.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:15 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Lani View Post
Having several sexual partners isn't about having low standards.
You have sex with different people for different reasons.

I think a persons sexual past is irrelevant, and if you asked me, I'd refuse to answer.

There's currently a big thread on this in the 'Cheating, Jealousy' section which might help you out.
If there's 100 people in a room, and you have sex with 50 of them, then average is good enough for you. If you have sex with 10 of them, then you by definition have stricter requirements and standards for what you will accept.

I disagree that having several sexual partners isn't about having low standards.

I am not trying to argue with the advice being given, it's just another step in the logic I am trying to eliminate so that I can get over this hangup.

Thanks again.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:16 AM   #5
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why are you even asking that, it's none of your business!!!!

the past is the past.... leave it there, enjoy the person she is, and the one she could be....

Apologies,

I'll edit the OP, I am not saying I am asking these girls this question. The hypothetical conversations I have posted are simply to illustrate what I believe is the root cause of my hangup.

Well it will not let me edit the OP now.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:19 AM   #6
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Nah, you can't edit OP's unless nobody has commented.

I think what we're all trying to say is that it shouldn't matter how many people your partners have slept with prior to you.
All that matters is that you want to have sex with that person, and they want to do the same with you. End of story.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:23 AM   #7
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Nah, you can't edit OP's unless nobody has commented.

I think what we're all trying to say is that it shouldn't matter how many people your partners have slept with prior to you.
All that matters is that you want to have sex with that person, and they want to do the same with you. End of story.
Right, it shouldn't. But it does, and I believe the cause is what I have posted in the OP. Basically that if you have had few partners, then you are having sex with me because you value me highly enough to be worthy of such an act. If you have had many, you are having sex with me because you enjoy sex, and I am just something to help you get off.

Please help me get over this.

Last edited by jamesbob; 30th January 2013 at 4:25 AM..
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:29 AM   #8
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Right, it shouldn't. But it does, and I believe the cause is what I have posted in the OP. Basically that if you have had few partners, then you are having sex with me because you value me highly enough to be worthy of such an act. If you have had many, you are having sex with me because you enjoy sex, and I am just something to help you get off.

Please help me get over this.
I can't help you get over this... you have to do that on your own.

I've had many sexual partners in the past. The reason I have sex with people is because I'm attracted to them, not just because it's someone to have sex with.
Yeah, I love it, but I don't do it with people I'm not attracted to. So I think you just need to keep that in mind. Some women will sleep with you sooner than others- this doesn't mean that they value you less than the other women, it just means they're more sexual and their attraction to you makes them not want to hold back.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:36 AM   #9
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I can't help you get over this... you have to do that on your own.

I've had many sexual partners in the past. The reason I have sex with people is because I'm attracted to them, not just because it's someone to have sex with.
Yeah, I love it, but I don't do it with people I'm not attracted to. So I think you just need to keep that in mind. Some women will sleep with you sooner than others- this doesn't mean that they value you less than the other women, it just means they're more sexual and their attraction to you makes them not want to hold back.
I suppose what could save me is if there was some way to test. Or qualify perhaps, to see where I stand in relation to the previous partners.

I am not putting it past a gal who has been very promiscuous to decide I am one of the best guys she has ever met and wants to have sex for more than just she is attracted and likes sex.

I honestly don't see how there could be any practical way to do such a thing though. If you ask a gal where you rank with her past guys, that's going to introduce a whole host of problems. And I seriously doubt I could get a trustworthy answer, especially if she likes me.

Again I am back to viewing sexual partners as an indicator. If she has only been with say two guys in five years, well damn I must be in some rarefied air. If she has been with twenty five, well I have no way of knowing if I am just above the cut-off for her physical requirements and am basically a sex object.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:40 AM   #10
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You're just putting way too much thought into all of this.
Don't even consider asking how you rate in comparison to other partners.. Yuk! This would end terribly for everyone!!!

A persons sexual partners cannot be a guide for how much they like you.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:43 AM   #11
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A persons sexual partners cannot be a guide for how much they like you.
Why do you say that?

Do you disagree with this:

Multiple partners: I may be just above the cut-off for her physical attractiveness standards and therefore only a sex object. = There's no way of knowing if she likes me or just likes my dick

Few partners: I am in some rarefied air and she only accepts a small % of guys. = She likes me for me, and dick is a bonus.


Again I feel the need to reiterate that I am trying to probe my own thought process and move forward with the gals I have been seeing. I am not trying to fight you, I'm just fleshing out these ideas...
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:51 AM   #12
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Why do you say that?
I say that because I've slept with guys I really really like just as quickly as the ones I've liked a little less.
If anything, I sleep with the guys I really like sooner because I'm so much more attracted to them.
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Old 30th January 2013, 4:57 AM   #13
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I don't think you should let anybody tell you what is or what is not important for you to date a girl!
I am a person who values sex and do not understand sex outside the love contest because when I do have sex with someone I put my soul on it and I expect the same back... I can't settle to have sex with someone who just have sex with anyone who is just attractive for her.
But that is just my way of understand sex, is not the truth for anybody else but me, and you should look for your own truth.

If you are ok with having casual sex, you should not have any problems with women who also like it... is just a game of giving and taking!
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Old 30th January 2013, 5:00 AM   #14
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I say that because I've slept with guys I really really like just as quickly as the ones I've liked a little less.
If anything, I sleep with the guys I really like sooner because I'm so much more attracted to them.
Well obviously you are going to know that you like them for more than just sex. But how does the guy know that?

For example I have this blonde gal who explicitly told me she wanted me to stay over on our 2nd date. I barely even know her? Does she like me for me?(seems impossible considering we don't really know each other) Or does she just find me sexually attractive and want to have some fun(far more likely IMO).

If it's the second, more likely scenario, I am a sex object(and do not wish to be). If it's the first, then I would question her sanity.


Now here's the other rub. That doesn't really tell me much because some girls will make guys wait a month or two, while they will jump in the bed with a different guy in just a few days. So even if we wait and get to know each other, I still don't think it's as reliable an indicator of interest in me as a person as number of sexual partners.

If she's only been with two guys in the past and she is 25 years old, I can be pretty damn certain that I am meeting some stringent criteria in order to get in her pants.

If she's been with 5 every year going up to 25, well..... I might be at the bottom of her list.
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Old 30th January 2013, 5:03 AM   #15
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as above, you don't have to get over this. Your reasoning is sound if you start from the fact that whether or not you have sex with someone depends on your appreciation of that person as a whole, not just the nice *****.

Find yourself a girl with the same attitude towards sex. Maybe pof and the likes are not the place to find those girls.
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