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Is this a normal “cooling off” period or silent treatment/emotional abuse?


femmefatale123

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femmefatale123

I have been dating a man for just over a year. We broke up at one point for three months because he got cold feet about the relationship. (He’s been divorced for a number of years and hasn’t had a committed relationship in that time, only dated minimally. He said what he had with me "seemed too good to be true.") He came back to me, wanting to get back together, and I accepted. He wanted to be in an exclusive relationship and see each other every weekend, which we had been doing before, and I agreed. By the way, I’m in my late 30s, and he’s a little over 20 years older.

 

Here’s our dating schedule: we go out Friday night, usually a movie and/or dinner, occasionally attend an event or go out of town for something. Then I spend the night at his house. On Saturday we just do fun things, watch TV, etc. Sometimes we go out Saturday nights; sometimes we stay in. Sundays, he makes me breakfast, and then I usually leave around 2 p.m. He’s a self-employed lawyer, and he has a routine where he likes to go into his office Sunday afternoons and work. Sometimes on Sunday evenings, he has to look over files because he has court Mondays or watch cop videos. I’ve kind of gotten used to his routine. We rarely see each other during the week unless he invites me to go to an event or sometimes out to dinner.

 

I am involved in community theater, and we both enjoy going to plays every few weeks. This past Sunday night, we tried something new at the theater: a cabaret where local patrons could sign up to sing, read, do a performance based on a theme. It’s just a new idea we’re trying to garner interest in what the theater has to offer. It was set up a month ago, and I invited my boyfriend to come. He questioned why it was scheduled on a Sunday night. I told him the director set it up. I assumed he would come because 1) I had invited him a month ahead (plenty of notice) and 2) he would figure it was important to me. Hell, I've watched several football games with him--something I wouldn't do on my own, but I enjoy doing it with him--because it's with him.

 

So Sunday as I was getting ready to leave his house around 2 p.m., I asked if he were coming after he worked in his office. He said probably not, and he thought the idea of the cabaret was "kinda lame," which hurt my feelings. I didn’t know what to say. Again, I guess I assumed he knew it was important to me. I told him I was going to read some poetry I had written (I have two graduate degrees in writing, and I teach.) He urged me to have fun.

 

I was so hurt I didn’t know what to do. I texted him about half an hour later and told him the event was important to me and I was sorry he thought it was “kinda lame.”

 

He texted back and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how you felt about it.” Then half an hour later, he texted again, “I’ll come by if you would like, but it’s not a good day for me.”

 

I didn’t respond because I was still hurt. Later, I sent him another message, right before the event: “If I hadn’t wanted you to come, I wouldn’t have invited you a month ago. I was hoping you’d want to come. So much for that.”

 

He responded a little while later, after the event, “If I had understood this event was important to you, I would have to have rearranged my activities on Saturday.” We had spent Saturday at his house as normal, just watching TV.

 

Today, Tuesday, after we didn’t communicate all day yesterday, I sent him a message in the afternoon: “I don’t think this silence is doing either of us—or our relationship any good.”

 

He replied a couple of hours later, “I’ve been kinda ill about the events of Sunday, and felt like I needed some time to cool off before we talked further.”

 

Tonight, I texted him over an hour ago: “Can we just talk and get this over with?” I was hoping he’d call me, and we could discuss the matter and get it behind us. No response as of yet.

 

First, was I wrong to be hurt about him not going with me? I’m asking because, obviously, I’m very close to the issue. Second, is this a normal “cooling off” period or silent treatment/emotional abuse/manipulation? It's now been two days, and the absence of communication hurts immensely.

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Not to make excuses or jump to his defense. That being said, lawyers are at the mercy of client demands and court calendars. At his age he's titrated the amount of prep time he needs and has an established routine. He may be involved in a pressing case.

 

Your description makes the situation sound to be a communication problem.

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Women cry emotional abuse at the drop of a text these days.

 

He's pushing 60, he's set in his ways, he likes his routine, his energy level is lower than yours. That's just the way it is with these guys. I should know. I date men in that age group but prefer younger men for all the above reasons. Yes, there are exceptions but they are rare. Surely there are plenty of divorced men in their forties who might be more compatible.

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femmefatale123
Women cry emotional abuse at the drop of a text these days.

 

He's pushing 60, he's set in his ways, he likes his routine, his energy level is lower than yours. That's just the way it is with these guys. I should know. I date men in that age group but prefer younger men for all the above reasons. Yes, there are exceptions but they are rare. Surely there are plenty of divorced men in their forties who might be more compatible.

 

Lower energy level? Hell, if it weren't for a problem with his shoulder, he'd be playing tennis, biking, and running--things he's done for years.

 

And if it were something he proposed, I think he'd been fine with it. He varied from his routine once because his parents had asked us over for dinner on a Sunday night.

 

It just hurts that he minimized something that was important to me and called it "kinda lame."

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Let me be a wannabe R counselor for a minute:

 

#1) Don't EVER do something (watching football in your case) to get/expect something in return.

#2) IMO he knew it was important to you given yall have been to plays together and the fact you gave him extended notice about this one. He was VERY insensitive about the situation.

#3) If he need time to cool down (for whatever reason) he should of told you instead of going ST on you and not saying anything until you asked him.

 

I wouldn't pull the emitional abuse card yet but I'd flag him for insensitivity and passive aggressiveness. You seem open to communication and he does't, a recipie for disaster.

 

Single people give the best advice.

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Did he actually say he would go when you first told him or was it only an invite and you assumed he'd go? If he confirmed the invitation, you should be upset because he canceled without notice. Even if he never confirmed, I totally understand how you would be hurt, but we have to remember than men don't think like us...we have to spell things out for them sometimes. If it was important to you, you have to tell him that beforehand instead of wanting him to figure it out on his own.

 

He is definitely being manipulative now by ignoring you. He doesn't want to look bad for canceling and not showing interest, so he's trying to make you feel like you did something wrong when you didn't. If I were you, I'd be the one ignoring him!

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femmefatale123
Did he actually say he would go when you first told him or was it only an invite and you assumed he'd go? If he confirmed the invitation, you should be upset because he canceled without notice. Even if he never confirmed, I totally understand how you would be hurt, but we have to remember than men don't think like us...we have to spell things out for them sometimes. If it was important to you, you have to tell him that beforehand instead of wanting him to figure it out on his own.

 

He is definitely being manipulative now by ignoring you. He doesn't want to look bad for canceling and not showing interest, so he's trying to make you feel like you did something wrong when you didn't. If I were you, I'd be the one ignoring him!

 

I thought inviting him a month ahead of time would be part of the signal that it was important to me so he could rearrange activities. Also, we discussed it. When I told him about it, he complained about it being on a Sunday night. He said, "Why is that Cabaret Night on a Sunday night? Seems an odd choice for those who have to work on Monday." I even asked the director why she scheduled it on a Sunday night, and gave him her response. He still complained about it again, questioning her choice. He said, "I don't have a dog in this race, but it seems to me you won't get many people to come on Sunday night. Just wonder if she doesn't have a good feel for human nature, like having three-hour rehearsals for upcoming plays, which may scare off people who may otherwise want to be in plays other than students, retirees, and those without jobs."

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Again, we can't assume they'll figure things out. Giving him notice doesn't matter without you saying, "This event is extremely important to me and I really want you to be there so I'm giving you a months notice to rearrange your schedule and be there for me."

 

By the sound of his negative comments, he was never planning on going any way.

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Ok. Just got a text reply. He said, "Let's talk tomorrow. I've had a long night and I was still a little agitated. Didn't want to talk while I was still pissed."

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I thought inviting him a month ahead of time would be part of the signal that it was important to me so he could rearrange activities. Also, we discussed it. When I told him about it, he complained about it being on a Sunday night. He said, "Why is that Cabaret Night on a Sunday night? Seems an odd choice for those who have to work on Monday." I even asked the director why she scheduled it on a Sunday night, and gave him her response. He still complained about it again, questioning her choice. He said, "I don't have a dog in this race, but it seems to me you won't get many people to come on Sunday night. Just wonder if she doesn't have a good feel for human nature, like having three-hour rehearsals for upcoming plays, which may scare off people who may otherwise want to be in plays other than students, retirees, and those without jobs."

 

Why is he so up in arms over a Sunday night function? Does he think the world should close on Sundays? I don't get his resistance to the idea of a Sunday function, his reaction seems so overboard.

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Ok. Just got a text reply. He said, "Let's talk tomorrow. I've had a long night and I was still a little agitated. Didn't want to talk while I was still pissed."

 

Why is he the one that is so pissed at you? You wanted him to come to a function that is important to you, and he didn't want to- and even went so far as to call what you think is important "lame".

 

You tell him your feelings are hurt over that and he's the one playing the "pissed" card with you?:confused:

 

So what's next? You end up apologizing to him?

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Seems he could be "pissed" at himself! Or that the problem of communication dragged out over the month and OP's true feelings weren't identified up front.

His anger is really his problem.

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I thought inviting him a month ahead of time would be part of the signal that it was important to me so he could rearrange activities. Also, we discussed it. When I told him about it, he complained about it being on a Sunday night. He said, "Why is that Cabaret Night on a Sunday night? Seems an odd choice for those who have to work on Monday." I even asked the director why she scheduled it on a Sunday night, and gave him her response. He still complained about it again, questioning her choice. He said, "I don't have a dog in this race, but it seems to me you won't get many people to come on Sunday night. Just wonder if she doesn't have a good feel for human nature, like having three-hour rehearsals for upcoming plays, which may scare off people who may otherwise want to be in plays other than students, retirees, and those without jobs."

 

Wow, he seems really charming and fun to be around.

 

It appears he never did say he would go, and his ****ty attitude about it probably should have tipped you off that he didn't want to go. And since it was important to you, you should have tried to nail down more concrete plans with him and maybe have some sort of conversation about it before you were about to leave for the show. But he was still really insensitive about it.

 

So no, it's probably not some sort of manipulation or emotional abuse (unless he has a history of that.) He's probably just kind of irritated at the way you handled it. And I don't think anyone would exactly jump on your offer to "just talk and get this over with."

 

Like I said, he was completely insensitive and clueless, but you were really passive-aggressive about it. You both owe each other apologies, so maybe next time you contact him you can be a little less haughty and more humble.

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Did he actually say he would go when you first told him or was it only an invite and you assumed he'd go? If he confirmed the invitation, you should be upset because he canceled without notice. Even if he never confirmed, I totally understand how you would be hurt, but we have to remember than men don't think like us...we have to spell things out for them sometimes. If it was important to you, you have to tell him that beforehand instead of wanting him to figure it out on his own.

 

He is definitely being manipulative now by ignoring you. He doesn't want to look bad for canceling and not showing interest, so he's trying to make you feel like you did something wrong when you didn't. If I were you, I'd be the one ignoring him!

 

I agree with the first part of this. On the 2nd part, I don't think he's being manipulative and he's definitely not doing emotional abuse. lol. A lot of guys can be clueless on things that can be important to their gf/wife, and this can exacerbated if the guy has his head in work issues/deadlines. If you had spelled it out to him beforehand when he showed reluctance, he would have made the effort for you. At the point when he actually realized this was a big deal to you (mentioning it a month in advance is not going to register for some guys especially if they think its boring) it was too late and then you went silent on him and then indicated you were pissed off with him, which made him kind of pissed off that skipping this cabaret night has now become a big issue which needs to be discussed. He doesn't need the drama. In saying this I can understand why you were disappointed. Just don't rely on this guy to read between the lines in future.

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I agree with the first part of this. On the 2nd part, I don't think he's being manipulative and he's definitely not doing emotional abuse. lol. A lot of guys can be clueless on things that can be important to their gf/wife, and this can exacerbated if the guy has his head in work issues/deadlines. If you had spelled it out to him beforehand when he showed reluctance, he would have made the effort for you. At the point when he actually realized this was a big deal to you (mentioning it a month in advance is not going to register for some guys especially if they think its boring) it was too late and then you went silent on him and then indicated you were pissed off with him, which made him kind of pissed off that skipping this cabaret night has now become a big issue which needs to be discussed. He doesn't need the drama. In saying this I can understand why you were disappointed. Just don't rely on this guy to read between the lines in future.

 

I'm not so sure he would have gone. Did you read what he said to me beforehand when he complained twice about the night? Now that I'm reading it, I see how s----y his attitude was about it. Fridays and Saturdays really are the only nights that aren't "off limits," and I pushed for more.

 

I'm asking if the silent treatment he's giving me is emotional abuse/manipulation. He's now refused to communicate with me for two solid days, and it will be tomorrow evening before we will talk, which makes three days.

 

I guess I’m realizing more and more that everything is on "his" schedule. We talked a little about this last week. I mentioned that he wasn’t very affectionate when we weren’t together during the week and mainly texted each other. He used to send somewhat affectionate text and FB messages but hasn’t in a while. He says he’s “not the type to fall all over a woman.” So he’s not very verbally affectionate. But, don’t get me wrong: he takes me out, pays for dinner, does nice things like make breakfast, so maybe he expresses affection in a different way.

 

He said he probably could be more affectionate and had fallen down in that area, but he didn’t know if he could be a “7-day a week” kind of guy because of the long hours he works and being tired during the week. That comment stuck with me.

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It sounds like you've been pretty understanding and accommodating with regard to his schedule. The first time you've asked him to do the same for you- he tries to make you feel guilty for asking.

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I'm not so sure he would have gone. Did you read what he said to me beforehand when he complained twice about the night? Now that I'm reading it, I see how s----y his attitude was about it. Fridays and Saturdays really are the only nights that aren't "off limits," and I pushed for more.

 

I'm asking if the silent treatment he's giving me is emotional abuse/manipulation. He's now refused to communicate with me for two solid days, and it will be tomorrow evening before we will talk, which makes three days.

 

Yeh I saw that. He really is not into cabaret or poetry reading...that does not mean you are incompatible....though he has to compromise or you have to be accepting that some of your interests will be 'your life' in the relationship. Even though he threw up all these issues over the event, I still suspect, if you had said...I would really appreciate you coming to this. It would mean a lot to me. Then mention the things you put up with for him, I think it would have registered with him he has to reciprocate if it means your happiness. You have to spell it out to some guys, though you might say I shouldn't have to. ..then he might not be the right guy for you.

3 days is dragging it that made this into a bigger issue. IDK, what else he has on his plate as far as work goes. I think you said he was an older guy and when you get older you can get pissed off easier or have less tolerance for drama or be more reluctant to change to suit others. Tell him everything you said here but in a calm manner when you do catch up and hopefully you get the response from him that reconciles things.

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3 days is dragging it that made this into a bigger issue. IDK, what else he has on his plate as far as work goes.

 

Well, he has told me that most nights he goes home and "crashes." He usually leaves his office about 6:00 or 6:30. Then I think he really does "crash" on the couch with the TV going, based on what he's said. Then I see, according to his posts, that he's up and on Facebook anywhere between, say, 8:30 and midnight, usually for about 30 minutes each night, again, according to what I see that he posts and comments on when I log in to FB the next day and look at my "Close Friends" list sometime during the day.

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Well, he has told me that most nights he goes home and "crashes." He usually leaves his office about 6:00 or 6:30. Then I think he really does "crash" on the couch with the TV going, based on what he's said. Then I see, according to his posts, that he's up and on Facebook anywhere between, say, 8:30 and midnight, usually for about 30 minutes each night, again, according to what I see that he posts and comments on when I log in to FB the next day and look at my "Close Friends" list sometime during the day.

 

Why are you monitoring his Facebook activity?

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He's a Lawyer???

Bail.

 

Lawyers' brains are different. Hyper-analytical and discursive. Very verbose and can be condescending.

Difficult to engage with on an emotional level because they're very calculating and precise. Law is like that. There are different avenues, but no dead ends....

 

He's difficult to get inside of.

 

He will always be hard work, and a huge amount of effort.

They have a tendency to keep their emotions in check, but they're a lot more vulnerable than they look.

 

Oh, by the way.

I'm married to a lawyer.

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Well, he has told me that most nights he goes home and "crashes." He usually leaves his office about 6:00 or 6:30. Then I think he really does "crash" on the couch with the TV going, based on what he's said. Then I see, according to his posts, that he's up and on Facebook anywhere between, say, 8:30 and midnight, usually for about 30 minutes each night, again, according to what I see that he posts and comments on when I log in to FB the next day and look at my "Close Friends" list sometime during the day.

 

Whatever Bella. He had a whole month to accommodate you- YOU, the person he is dating. He didn't think "Wow, that's flattering, she wants to include me in her life- he instead got annoyed that something important to you interfered with a schedule he is in charge of altering should he want to. He was more mad something you asked for interfered with what he wanted.

 

Justin Bieber: Orlando Magic guard J.J. Redick attends Justin Bieber concert - OrlandoSentinel.com

 

I hope that linked work. The point is this dude was willing to embarrass himself because he loves his wife.

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