socrushed Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I have a coworker. I'm in love with her. I asked her out a year ago and she turned me down. She doesn't see me the same way. It's hard working with someone you're in love with who doesn't feel the same way about you. i'm reaching my breaking point. A couple days ago, I really really tried to just be friendly with her. Somehow it ended up with me saying a bunch of silly jokes to her and teasing her a lot, and she responded in a completely receptive and flirty manner. She gave me extra attention that night. I was feeling so high. Emotions were soaring, i was floating, life was amazing. As good as that felt, the next day I felt the comedown of that high. And the bad feelings were just as extreme. Because the next day, she started giving attention to other guys again and not much to me. I was so hurt that I went back to ignoring her, and then she started giving me attention again after seeing that I did that. I just completely brushed her off, and she said "ok ok fine..." and treated me the same way i was treating her. and really, i'm planning on keeping it that way. I simply can't interact with her at any level above saying hi to each other without falling really hard for her. I've been thinking about having one last real conversation with her before we basically ignore each other forever. I want to say something like this: "i really respect you, you know. No, i more than respect you, i basically look up to you. You're my role model. when i see someone like you who's so nice and confident and unafraid to say and do whatever she wants, i just think that that's exactly the person i want to be. but the thing is, you're really really pretty and it makes me develop a huge crush on you. You know that feeling, when you have a huge crush on someone who doesn't feel the same way? it stings so bad. we can't talk anymore, i really tried to ignore those feelings but i just can't take it. i can't talk to you without those feelings coming back up, i'm sorry and i just want you to know that's why i'm doing this." ...... etc etc etc. you get my jist Is this a terrible idea? Should I just ignore her and skip the confession? It makes me feel kind of bad that she thinks i'm just a rude person when in fact that's not the case. Me ignoring her actually has nothing to do with her and it's just something I need to do for myself so I can grow as a person and not feel like total **** emotionally, and I kind of want her to understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Make it short and sweet: "I have these feelings I can't get of and it's best for me to not talk to you anymore because I can't deal with them." You can't help your own emotions and she should understand that. The wording is just an example, though. Make it shorter and just say how you feel and don't try to explain your feelings because ...only you can understand them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 what are the pros and cons to telling her the reasons why i'm not talking to her, vs just not talking to her without explaining why? i don't plan to be rude to her, i just plan to smile and say hi, but not make any conversations beyond very basic small talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Okay it's obvious to her how you feel about her, she knows it, but dude, she's just not that into you. Feelings are hard to control but she hasn't given you any false hope as far as I can read, what you view as flirty could be her just being nice and chatty but she has made it clear that she's not interested in you that way and may just like the attention. Look just and hi and bye, keep things short and simple, no need for big speeches about feelings because I think you're expecting her to suddenly wake up and realize her feelings for you but you might be disappointed by her response. Go out and date other people, ween yourself off her, get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 i don't know if it's obvious to her. After she rejected me a year ago, i was cold to her for literally an entire year. I've only recently started warming up to her, until the incident i talked about in my original post where i really really warmed up to her, only to feel hurt the next day and go back to cold shouldering her. Can she really tell this is all because of her? I told her i have some depression issues, so maybe she just thinks i was cold to her yesterday because i was depressed for some other reasons. anyway, i suppose a small part of me is hoping that if i make a big speech to her, maybe she'll admit she had feelings for me all along. but i realize that's incredibly unlikely. i mainly just want to give her that speech so that she'll understand that i'm cold/rude to her not because i dislike her, but because i actually really respect her but i have to ignore her for the sake of my own emotional health. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 The No Contact Guide (updated) was originally put together by a guy who worked in the same building, under the same roof, as his ex. By the time he had developed it for himself, and fully implemented it, she was the one going stir-crazy, not him. It ended up that neither sought, nor wanted a reconciliation - but he came out 'the better man' for it. you need to read it, before you embark on saying ANYTHING to her at all. But at work, you need to emotionally distance yourself from her. Treat her like a necessary colleague, but an unnecessary impediment. Limit your contact with her to purely essential business matters. Keep it short, polite and stick only to what you are obliged to discuss for professional reasons. Avoid eye contact, and don't mix with her group. Shun her, but not in a rude way. you must feign complete disinterest, appear indifferent and not care so much. Read the guide. It will help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 The No Contact Guide (updated) was originally put together by a guy who worked in the same building, under the same roof, as his ex. By the time he had developed it for himself, and fully implemented it, she was the one going stir-crazy, not him. It ended up that neither sought, nor wanted a reconciliation - but he came out 'the better man' for it. you need to read it, before you embark on saying ANYTHING to her at all. But at work, you need to emotionally distance yourself from her. Treat her like a necessary colleague, but an unnecessary impediment. Limit your contact with her to purely essential business matters. Keep it short, polite and stick only to what you are obliged to discuss for professional reasons. Avoid eye contact, and don't mix with her group. Shun her, but not in a rude way. you must feign complete disinterest, appear indifferent and not care so much. Read the guide. It will help. the problem is by telling me that this guide caused the ex to go crazy for him, it ruins it. because in the back of my mind i will be ignoring her while secretly hoping it'll make her want me, and deep down i'll still be pining after her. i cold shouldered her for an entire year. avoided her, only short conversations about work related things, cold politeness. and that's basically what happened, i was pining for her deep down, hoping she'll realize how much she likes me and apologize to me for leading me on and ask me out on a date. these emotions are tearing me apart and sometimes i have a hard time going on with this life. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 That's not what I said. Read it again. 'She was the one going stir-crazy'. he reversed the roles. Your frustration, disappointment and bewilderment is holding you back from moving on with your life. She was trying to feed him breadcrumbs and attention seeking. He wouldn't rise to the bait, and gained the upper hand. He Took Control. They neither of them wanted to get back together - and that wasn't the point. What he needed to do, was to regain control of his life, and that's what he did. READ THE POST. Right now, you're grasping at straws. You are what is known in man/woman circles as - 'abdicating your Power'. Get your power back, man up and control the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Have you actually read it? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Don't be flippant....Try reading the guide, instead. It's not my work. It's someone else's, so really, your opinion is a reflection on the actions of him, me and many others who have taken it to heart and know it works... You'll find it as a signature on a load of other members' posts. before coming out with erroneous opinions, it pays to actually read the thing.... Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Trust me, she knows how you feel. Even if you didn't tell her that you had feelings a year ago, she would still know. We women can sense it. I have been in her position, and a guy making a big confession just creeped me out and made me extremely uncomfortable. But, I also understand the secret pining and hope that you need to kill. So if you feel that the only way to get over her is to hear her reject you again, go for it. Personally, I can only do NC when all hope is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author socrushed Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 Trust me, she knows how you feel. Even if you didn't tell her that you had feelings a year ago, she would still know. We women can sense it. I have been in her position, and a guy making a big confession just creeped me out and made me extremely uncomfortable. But, I also understand the secret pining and hope that you need to kill. So if you feel that the only way to get over her is to hear her reject you again, go for it. Personally, I can only do NC when all hope is gone. how can she know? i've been so cold to her. for all she knows, I have some life issues and don't feel like talking to anyone. meh. i hate these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I have been in her position, and a guy making a big confession just creeped me out and made me extremely uncomfortable. I'll bet if the guy was hot, you would have loved it. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tell her how you feel. If she gets creeped out by a man being upfront and forthright about his feelings, then she's weak and spineless. This is about you getting closure and moving on. This is NOT about if she gets creeped out or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tell her how you feel. If she gets creeped out by a man being upfront and forthright about his feelings, then she's weak and spineless. This is about you getting closure and moving on. This is NOT about if she gets creeped out or not. At this point having an emotionally honest adult and professional conversation is the best way to handle this. I might even suggest involving your direct superior or HR in this. It would be a pain, but, it could protect you from an extreme overreaction on their part. Further you could all work together to ensure that the workplace remains friendly for all. Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyDude Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 It might be simpler to get a new job. I agree, no point in going to work misreable Link to post Share on other sites
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