I’ve done everything they ask yet they still cheat.

[PrincessTempany]

I think the title says it all. The question is how can a stop it from happening again.

 

One boyfriend cheated with my best friend, bye bye boyfriend, bye bye best friend.

 

Another apparently never left his wife. I never even knew he was married.

 

Another would blatantly flirt and kiss other girls in front of me claiming he was trying to get them for me.

 

Another cheated with the stripper at a friends bucks night.

 

I even tried dating a couple of women, one cheated with her ex and another decided she now likes guys!

 

The list could go on and on. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I’m attentive to them, I take interest in their interests, I give them space when they need it, I bring my A game to the bedroom, I cook, I clean, what more?

 

If they don’t like me and want to break up I get that, I can deal with that. The thing is not one has ever broken up with me, every single one of them had cheated.

 

I’ve met through friends, I’ve met at pubs, I’ve tried online dating, It all ends up the same.

 

I’m 37, I look after myself, I consider myself attractive (I have no trouble attracting the men), I’m financially secure, I have a high sex drive. I’ve tried sex within the first few dates, I’ve tried holding out for as long as I can, one guy was 12 dates before sex! But they all still cheat.

 

I started exploring my bisexuality when encouraged by one man and we ended up having a few 3somes. He still cheated.

 

The only one that didn’t cheat was a guy who I grew up with, he lived across the road. I ended up breaking it off with him because he is too much like a brother to me. We remain friends, I get the impression that he would like more but I just can’t.

 

I don’t know what else to say here. I am obviously damaged goods, I must have something that they pick up on but I don’t understand why they don’t walk away instead of cheating.

 

Anyone have any dating advice before I am old and wrinkled? I don’t care at this stage, man, woman, heck I’d even try a couple at this stage (well maybe not). I just want someone who I can hold and call my own. Someone I can lie on the beach with and watch the sun set. Someone who WONT CHEAT.

[Emilia]

The list could go on and on. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I’m attentive to them, I take interest in their interests, I give them space when they need it, I bring my A game to the bedroom, I cook, I clean, what more?

 

 

It seems your judgement of character is off. You seem to try very hard which makes me think you pick people that make you feel bad about yourself and insecure. You pick users.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. This is a useful resource for valuable feedback.

Sounds like you've had a long dose of disappointment and misery.

 

It sounds like your "picker" is broken. That being said, we've all experienced epic fails in choices of love interests. It's a character issue really. It's clearly easier to communicate that it's over but cheaters choose the other path. Best I can tell you is set solid personal boundaries, take action when those are violated and learn to monitor red flags. Others here can offer a myriad of suggestions, lessons learned and how early life experiences can set one up for making bad decisions as to whom we choose as partners.

 

Vent away here. Ask questions. Folks will call it like they see it.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Balzac
Typo

[PrincessTempany]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes it's obvious my picker is broken. Not once in 20 years of dating, so it's very broken. How do I fix it? I have tried everything, good boys, bad boys, professionals, tradesman, tall, short, fat, skinny, everything.

 

Do you know how depressing it is when you date an overweight man and he tells you how happy he is and in less than 2 months he cheats? It's obviously me, but what?

 

I don't know where to start looking, I don't know what to start looking for. I'm sick of not having someone permanent.

[Nightsky]

I think the title says it all. The question is how can a stop it from happening again.

 

You can't stop some one from cheating on you. I just date people I can trust. If they cheated on me I'd leave them. I won't date some one I think is going to cheat on me.

 

One boyfriend cheated with my best friend' date=' bye bye boyfriend, bye bye best friend.[/quote']

 

That's hard but you did the right thing leaving both people.

 

Another apparently never left his wife. I never even knew he was married.

 

Did you never meet his friends and family?

 

Another would blatantly flirt and kiss other girls in front of me claiming he was trying to get them for me.

 

Another cheated with the stripper at a friends bucks night.

 

I even tried dating a couple of women, one cheated with her ex and another decided she now likes guys!

 

hmm yes your people picker seems pretty off. Some of this stuff should have been apparent to you.

 

The list could go on and on. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I’m attentive to them' date=' I take interest in their interests, I give them space when they need it, I bring my A game to the bedroom, I cook, I clean, what more? [/quote']

 

Your entire attitude toward cheating is wrong. It doesn't matter how nice you are if some ones going to cheat they are going to cheat. Find some one you can trust and be nice to them. Also if a woman was a total bitch to me I wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't want to date her.

 

If they don’t like me and want to break up I get that' date=' I can deal with that. The thing is not one has ever broken up with me, every single one of them had cheated. [/quote']

 

It's poor way of leaving some one.

 

I’ve met through friends' date=' I’ve met at pubs, I’ve tried online dating, It all ends up the same. [/quote']

 

Try meeting people at the library or church, or some charity event/fundraiser. Something more wholesome.

 

I started exploring my bisexuality when encouraged by one man and we ended up having a few 3somes. He still cheated.

 

This kind of thing seems like it would add drama to a relationship. I'd avoid the threesomes.

 

The only one that didn’t cheat was a guy who I grew up with' date=' he lived across the road. I ended up breaking it off with him because he is too much like a brother to me. We remain friends, I get the impression that he would like more but I just can’t.[/quote']

 

I guess he wasn't as exciting as the guys who really don't care about the relationship and just want to use you.

 

I don’t know what else to say here. I am obviously damaged goods, I must have something that they pick up on but I don’t understand why they don’t walk away instead of cheating.

 

Anyone have any dating advice before I am old and wrinkled? I don’t care at this stage, man, woman, heck I’d even try a couple at this stage (well maybe not). I just want someone who I can hold and call my own. Someone I can lie on the beach with and watch the sun set. Someone who WONT CHEAT.

 

I'd set your sights higher than some one who won't cheat. Why don't you work on yourself as a person.

[Balzac]

You might consider telling one story here. One developed story about a recent failed relationship. Just spill your guts here, put on your thick skin, allow the LS folks to have at it. That's a start. We accept that you lack insight. It's why you're here!

[Sanctionne]

Like me, you seem to be attracting the type of men that will do something that you fear more than anything. The reason I believe this is because being cheated on is my biggest fear and because of it I believe that I attract these types of men.

My ex and the reason I joined this site is a musician. And I feared that he would meet someone during one of his out of State shows. And guess what? it happened. I even knew the State he would meet her. I truly believe that in a way I made it happen w/my thoughts.

 

 

 

Worrying and focusing on what you DON'T want, takes just as much energy and time as focusing on what you DO want - and it works! If your energy is largely negative, that's what you'll get back. -Bob Proctor

[Emilia]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes it's obvious my picker is broken. Not once in 20 years of dating, so it's very broken. How do I fix it? I have tried everything, good boys, bad boys, professionals, tradesman, tall, short, fat, skinny, everything.

 

Do you know how depressing it is when you date an overweight man and he tells you how happy he is and in less than 2 months he cheats? It's obviously me, but what?

 

 

Ok well the only time I see women treated this badly is when they pick men based on superficial criteria. Your comment on the overweight guy speaks volumes. You think because he is perhaps not as attractive as many others, he would be more grateful for your attention?

 

From your posts so far - except for the good boys/bad boys comment above - I can't see where you evaluate character. How do you judge someone's character? Do you see whether their actions follow their words and how they treat others? Or what other method do you use? How do the men that you date treat you before the cheating happens?

[xxoo]

You pick cheaters. It isn't what you do once in the relationship. There is no way you can keep a cheater from cheating.

 

How do you pick men? What attracts you? What red flags did you miss in your previous relationships?

 

Trustworthy guys can be incredibly sexy, but might be less "caution to the wind" with their attraction and affection. They invest, so they are more careful. Cheaters can lavish you with attention and affection, because they are never fully invested anyway. They aren't really committing, because they aren't really monogamous.

[PrincessTempany]

You might consider telling one story here. One developed story about a recent failed relationship. Just spill your guts here, put on your thick skin, allow the LS folks to have at it. That's a start. We accept that you lack insight. It's why you're here!

 

I will tell of the one that hurt me most and was also the longest.

 

I met him at work and thought he was incredibly attractive. We became friends and went out a few times as friends. We went skiing once, a movie and to a carnival. They weren't dates as such, just friends. Nothing happened, we hugged and laughed throughout the night but no kiss at the end.

 

He was then forced away permanently through work interstate. We kept in contact every few weeks via email or phone. Eventually he quit the job and moved back here, he was gone about 4 months. When I picked him up from the airport he run over to me twirled me around, told me how much he missed me and we kissed for the first time. We progressed quickly from there having our first sex two weeks later.

 

We dated for 8 months, we stayed at each others houses, we seemed to adore each other, our sex life was great, our social life was great, my friends loved him, his friends loved me. We had the same interests, shared the same dreams. I had finally found my man.

 

One of my friends told me that she saw him coming out of someone elses house. I confronted him and he was so layed back and just said he was doing it for a bit of variety, it meant nothing. It meant a ****ing lot to me *******, sorry for the language. I was devastated. It turns out there we 3 other woman.

 

I don't believe I did anything wrong. He pleaded to stay with me with a whole bunch of excuses but that was never going to happen. Out of spite I told the other woman I knew of and she was grateful I did.

[PrincessTempany]

Ok well the only time I see women treated this badly is when they pick men based on superficial criteria. Your comment on the overweight guy speaks volumes. You think because he is perhaps not as attractive as many others, he would be more grateful for your attention?

 

This is very true. I was desperate. I had tried everything so I gave that a shot thinking they would be more grateful to be honest, but even that failed.

 

I was a complete bitch for doing it but I still don't understand why, if he didn't have feelings he couldn't have just walked away, why did he stay and cheat?

[Emilia]

This is very true. I was desperate. I had tried everything so I gave that a shot thinking they would be more grateful to be honest, but even that failed.

 

I was a complete bitch for doing it but I still don't understand why, if he didn't have feelings he couldn't have just walked away, why did he stay and cheat?

 

 

He stayed because you picked the kind of guy who takes advantage of people.

 

You still haven't replied to my questions though. How do you evaluate someone's character? How do you work out his personality traits?

Edited January 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PrincessTempany]

You still haven't replied to my questions though. How do you evaluate someone's character? How do you work out his personality traits?

 

That's a hard question to answer because I don't have a method. I am a visual person so initially I will be attracted to someone because if their looks. But as for assessing their character I guess I look at how they treat me, how they treat their friends. Someone who is homophobic or xenophobic or mean spirited is an instant no. If I hear about many ex girlfriends it's an instant red flag especially if he is still friends with his ex's.

 

I don't know if that's what you are looking for, I am finding it very hard to answer.

[Emilia]

 

I don't know if that's what you are looking for, I am finding it very hard to answer.

 

And herein lies the answer. You don't get to know men before you date them, you pick them based on superficial qualities alone: looks, what others think of them and how they fit in within your social circle. You pay no attention to who they are as people, what their values are, whether they treat people as disposable, whether they are capable of emotional depth, whether they are compassionate, capable of empathy, etc.

 

The problem with this is that any guy who has 'game' ie who has worked out how to impress you, will have you wrapped around his little finger. You leave yourself vulnerable.

[PrincessTempany]

And herein lies the answer.

 

Yeah, ok, but I can't just learn that. Even when friends set me up on dates (and I assume they have better judgment) things have still not worked out.

 

Is there any resources to read/watch referencing what you are talking about?

[Emilia]

Yeah, ok, but I can't just learn that. Even when friends set me up on dates (and I assume they have better judgment) things have still not worked out.

 

Is there any resources to read/watch referencing what you are talking about?

 

yes of course but you need to make the effort to find it. The internet is at your finger tips.

[rocketman122]

it makes me very sad reading your post. I dont have much to offer but dont give up. there are good guys out there. I feel empathy for your situation.

[Imajerk17]

I can be a jerk on here. I'll never tell a Nice Girl (or for that matter a Nice Guy) who is consistently being mistreated just to hold out for that special someone who will appreciate you. It doesn't do the person a damn bit of good.

 

From the very title of your thread OP, you are giving away that you are needy and desperate for a relationship. You've done everything they've asked? Really? That's actually not attractive. Well what do *you* ask for? Don't you have preferences of your own? Do you even give your partners a chance to win you over? What attracted you to your partners anyway?

 

Things to think about. I hope you come back here and continue the discussion.

[rocketman122]

I can be a jerk on here. I'll never tell a Nice Girl (or for that matter a Nice Guy) who is consistently being mistreated just to hold out for that special someone who will appreciate you. It doesn't do the person a damn bit of good.

 

From the very title of your thread OP, you are giving away that you are needy and desperate for a relationship. You've done everything they've asked? Really? That's actually not attractive. Well what do *you* ask for? Don't you have preferences of your own? Do you even give your partners a chance to win you over? What attracted you to your partners anyway?

 

Things to think about. I hope you come back here and continue the discussion.

 

 

youre single, right? yea..oh btw, its called being sympathetic to other peoples feelings. I see a lot of lonely, spanking the monkey nights for you buddy. stock up on tissue.

funny how we have all these retards here giving advice but most of them never even had a long term relationship. face palm.

Edited January 11, 2013 by rocketman122

[Imajerk17]

youre single, right? yea..oh btw, its called being sympathetic to other peoples feelings. I see a lot of lonely, spanking the monkey nights for you buddy. stock up on tissue.

funny how we have all these retards here giving advice but most of them never even had a long term relationship. face palm.

 

Anger management dude. I don't think about your sex life so no need for you to be worrying about mine. Getting back to the OP, I feel bad for the OP but I actually want her to find a solution. And as a guy who has dated Nice Girls in the past *and has had long-term relationships*, I do know that telling her to just hold out for someone special when ALL of her relationships ended similarly just won't cut it.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Imajerk17

[rocketman122]

Anger management dude. I don't think about your sex life so no need for you to be worrying about mine. Getting back to the OP, I feel bad for the OP but I want her to find a solution, and as a guy who has dated Nice Girls in the past, I do know that telling her to just hold out for someone special when ALL of her relationships ended similarly just won't cut it.

 

it doesnt matter. the op will keep getting in the same situations. only a professional will help her. she has self esteem/confidence issues as well from taking these hits. there's nothing anyone here can say besides being sympathetic. and yes, cheering and being comforting helps a lot. I see a diamond with girls like her. guys would die to have a girl who wants to please their man. mostly its me me me with women. op, dont give up. its not you who has the problem. its those sh-tty men. it may be because of the area you live in and most are like this.

I just want someone who I can hold and call my own. Someone I can lie on the beach with and watch the sun set.

 

this touched me as im a hopeless romantic. thank you.

[xxoo]

I will tell of the one that hurt me most and was also the longest.

 

I met him at work and thought he was incredibly attractive. We became friends and went out a few times as friends. We went skiing once, a movie and to a carnival. They weren't dates as such, just friends. Nothing happened, we hugged and laughed throughout the night but no kiss at the end.

 

He was then forced away permanently through work interstate. We kept in contact every few weeks via email or phone. Eventually he quit the job and moved back here, he was gone about 4 months. When I picked him up from the airport he run over to me twirled me around, told me how much he missed me and we kissed for the first time. We progressed quickly from there having our first sex two weeks later.

 

We dated for 8 months, we stayed at each others houses, we seemed to adore each other, our sex life was great, our social life was great, my friends loved him, his friends loved me. We had the same interests, shared the same dreams. I had finally found my man.

 

One of my friends told me that she saw him coming out of someone elses house. I confronted him and he was so layed back and just said he was doing it for a bit of variety, it meant nothing. It meant a ****ing lot to me *******, sorry for the language. I was devastated. It turns out there we 3 other woman.

 

I don't believe I did anything wrong. He pleaded to stay with me with a whole bunch of excuses but that was never going to happen. Out of spite I told the other woman I knew of and she was grateful I did.

 

Did you have the big conversations about exclusivity, attitudes toward cheating, relationship histories, etc? How did those conversations go? Did he seem forthcoming and earnest?

 

Using one of your examples to evaluate character...it seems obvious to me that a guy is of rotten character if he kisses other women in front of you, against your wishes, and then twists it around to say it is for you. To quote Judge Judy, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." Why did he have a chance to do that more than once? You've got to be willing to stand up for yourself, and dump the loser! A man won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.

Edited January 11, 2013 by xxoo

[carhill]

I’ve done everything they ask yet they still cheat.

I think the title says it all. The question is how can a stop it from happening again

 

It's pretty much impossible. In a relationship, anything is possible.

 

Having faced some of such issues from the other side of the gender aisle, my way of 'stopping it' was to listen more clearly to both my own instincts as well as opinions of trusted friends and take immediate action rather than providing benefit of the doubt. Other than that, it was getting away from my local dating pool, which is rife with the results of lifelong aggressive demand for women and the psychologies which that enabled to exist.

 

In that vein I'd suggest taking a hard look at the local dynamic and, if experience and analysis indicate it to be unhealthy for your romantic and relationship style, accept that and disconnect it as a potential and move on.

[edgygirl]

Excellent advice from Emilia. I was like you, choosing people by their looks and interests first. This blog helped me a lot in understanding why I was choosing the wrong type of guys:

 

Understanding your core values in relationships (no they?re not your common interests) | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Go through her articles, you'll learn a lot about yourself.

 

Also it seems to me that you become a doormat in relationships. Let them earn your trust before you "do everything" for them.

[barbossa]

I think the title says it all. The question is how can a stop it from happening again.

 

One boyfriend cheated with my best friend, bye bye boyfriend, bye bye best friend.

 

Another apparently never left his wife. I never even knew he was married.

 

Another would blatantly flirt and kiss other girls in front of me claiming he was trying to get them for me.

 

Another cheated with the stripper at a friends bucks night.

 

I even tried dating a couple of women, one cheated with her ex and another decided she now likes guys!

 

The list could go on and on. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I’m attentive to them, I take interest in their interests, I give them space when they need it, I bring my A game to the bedroom, I cook, I clean, what more?

 

If they don’t like me and want to break up I get that, I can deal with that. The thing is not one has ever broken up with me, every single one of them had cheated.

 

I’ve met through friends, I’ve met at pubs, I’ve tried online dating, It all ends up the same.

 

I’m 37, I look after myself, I consider myself attractive (I have no trouble attracting the men), I’m financially secure, I have a high sex drive. I’ve tried sex within the first few dates, I’ve tried holding out for as long as I can, one guy was 12 dates before sex! But they all still cheat.

 

I started exploring my bisexuality when encouraged by one man and we ended up having a few 3somes. He still cheated.

 

The only one that didn’t cheat was a guy who I grew up with, he lived across the road. I ended up breaking it off with him because he is too much like a brother to me. We remain friends, I get the impression that he would like more but I just can’t.

 

I don’t know what else to say here. I am obviously damaged goods, I must have something that they pick up on but I don’t understand why they don’t walk away instead of cheating.

 

Anyone have any dating advice before I am old and wrinkled? I don’t care at this stage, man, woman, heck I’d even try a couple at this stage (well maybe not). I just want someone who I can hold and call my own. Someone I can lie on the beach with and watch the sun set. Someone who WONT CHEAT.

 

If we can cheat There is higher chance that we will

 

Be direct with a guy, say if he does x,y,z you will end the relationship

 

i fear losing my girlfriend, so i at least dont sleep with other girls

 

you have to be a little bit of a stern biatch. don't accuse But verify