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Commitment Phobia? When Should I Person Bail Out?


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The relationship between this new guy and me has progressed rather quickly in one month's time. We slept together on our second date; the first date having been a very successful one. Since our first meeting, we've spent considerable time together talking and being together, which has been a contributing factor to the rapid nature of the relationship, and I can alrdy pinpoint situations I have allowed too quickly. This is what brings me here.

 

 

On our third date, I was surprised with an overnight trip to Atlantic City and a beautiful bed and breakfast. Since we've discussed this trip, we both agreed it was a big step in the relationship in terms of sharing a night together, since I have three children at home and am not accustomed to spending nights away from them. We had a better than anticipated time. He picked me up from home and briefly met my children. The following day after AC, he had a sporting event to participate in, where I was introduced to his league companions, and he seemed to be fine with introducing them to me, and I was comfortable meeting them and being intergraded into his social circle of friends.

 

 

Having said this, here is the critical turning point of the relationship, and the one I had doubts about and ignored the little voice inside. My new friend suggested my meeting his sister and her family on our fourth weekend together and having a meal with my family. I was a bit apprehensive, since he had mentioned his ideal dating partner would not have children, but that he felt I was important enough to him to try and feel for himself what a lifestyle with children would entail. It was a packed Saturday with meeting his sister's family (which went very well) and then racing to have dinner with two of my three children (ages 15, 10, and six - my 15 yr old had other plans for the evening). My friend was very relaxed around my girls and the evening, in my eyes, was successful. I had been apprehensive about meeting all this family, especially in one day and this soon, but was comfortable since he had initiated the desire to have us meet and spend time with our families.

 

 

The very next day, I made dinner for him, and we had a nice time (this being only the second date we had where we conscientiously did not have sex when we could have). Again against my better judgment, we had a conversation about relationships in general and for what I thought was the first time, touched on what our wants are for the future, etc. Our life outlooks are very different; I would like another child - he doesn't want children; I would like to get married again - he says he doesn't believe in marriage and is divorced; and the issue of my children came up, where he says he isn't sure he can see himself in 'the' role. I have asked him to define what 'the role' is, and he won't say the words 'stepfather'. He became non-communicative, and I didn't push the issue, figuring I'd give him space to think and decide on what he wanted to do with the relationship.

 

 

The following day I receive a call from him, which sounded disjointed but was clearly a reluctant break-up call. I cried, and said we needed to talk and I would be over to see him when I finished with two massages I had booked for the evening. I went to see him and we talked and seemed to patch up things, but only because I stressed we didn't know enough about one another and our lifestyles to be discussing lifelong goals, and that in the discovery process, goals are reassessed and compromises are made if we discover the person we're with is someone who is worth making these compromises. I also took this opportunity to bring to the forefront what I suspect are abandonment issues he has with his parents he freely admits he hasn't dealt with (his father abandoned the family and his mother is / was emotionally unavailable as he and his sister were growing up). At the end of our conversation, he told me he could promise to try and see how the relationship will work because he felt it is worth pursuing exclusively, and that he feels we complement each other well. I feel the same, and promised since we now know what each other's life outlook is; we should wait until a more appropriate time to revisit the issue - in other words, crossing the bridge when we have to.

 

 

Oddly enough, after all this talking and discussion even after getting issues resolved in the immediate, I'm left with a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth about the relationship. I'm upset he would quickly discount the relationship and leave it, and had I not explained to him why we should give ourselves time to see how our lives would integrated, he'd have left without what I suspect would have been a second thought. His confusion about what to do leaves me hopeful, since he didn't want me to leave on several occasions I had prepared myself to go and said he wants to work at this but doesn't know how or if he's the 'right' kind of man, but he wants to try because he says I make him feel he wants to be a better man. He has assured me he does not have issues with my children personally, but that he doubts his ability to integrate into a family life since he has no reference point as to what a family is, other than a negative image of one.

 

 

With all of the issues he and I have been presented with and the apparent mis-steps we've taken this past month, I would like to work on the relationship. Since he's currently in therapy and on medication for mild depression, and I have been in therapy before, we both seem interested enough in seeing the relationship through to whatever end it takes, and recognize where we weren't so prudent (we decided sex should be put on hold until we can sort through his confusion and my doubts about his being a man I want to pursue a relationship with). Again, he is a wonderful man; and our relationship has much going for it in terms of communication, affection level and magnetism between each other and how we affect outsiders when they see us together. We're both supportive of each other in our careers and in general, and I want to be able to work towards building a solid relationship. Even this early on, I truly have faith we're both worth it, and we have the beginnings of what makes a relationship a good one, namely we are friendly and respectful of one another.

 

 

Fast forward two weeks: Today was the first time we've seen each other in two weeks. We've talked on the phone, although very casually and exchanged emails daily, chking on how the other is doing, plans for the day, etc. When he came to pick me up today, he went to kiss me and I turned my head. When we got into the car, he insisted on kissing me and it wasn't hard to let him. He told me how much he missed seeing and being with me, and it felt good to hear this all. We had a great time bowling, were affectionate with one another, turned heads and had people smile at us ... (Superficially, I akin us to one of those couples ppl wish they were part of... we make a very handsome couple). I can't remember much of our conversation after we were done bowling, other than answering a question of his with the words, "It's because I don't trust you with my feelings." His reply? "I don't blame you..."

 

 

My friend is commitment phobic, and I suspect I am too... if the old adage is to be believed, then like seeks like, but I am interested in this guy in more ways than just physically. For the moment he addresses the qualities in a man I would like to have a relationship with. However, I am concerned with getting attached to a guy who seemingly is happy with letting things be as they are and can live with this from now to eternity (or when he gets bored.. whichever comes first.)

 

 

Any suggestions? Wondering if I'm thinking too much too soon...

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Hi there, I'm not one to talk because I'm actually going through hard times myself and have posted a message seeking advice. But, I'm guilty of having several relationships that became seriously involved extrememly fast. You did too. I'm told then, that's it's actually called "lust" then. But, lust did turn into love and a long monogamous relationship sometimes. I guess you might be like me in the sense you give everything and give yourself wholly into who is in your life at the time. It's that we might give 100% of our heart away too quickly. I felt for you when you told him you didn't trust him with your feelings, and his reply was "I don't blame you..." To me, that's saying he's going to hurt you again. I do believe love can happen fast and slip in through the back door and we can find our soulmates. But, it looks like this is not the case. He probably did fall in love and he probably really felt all these good feelings you felt about love. But, even you said it, you both want different things in life. The kids, for instance. You already have kids, can't change that and I'm sure you don't want to. But, now he doesn't want any in the future and you do. Do you just want him to pacify you and tell you what you want to hear or wouldn't you rather have someone to want the same things you want without being pushed or enticed into the situation? I do feel for you and hope things will come to some resolution and you can get honest answers you need to hear. It's good he's getting counseling, but there are good counselors and bad counselors out there for depression. Do you think it's too early or too late to try joint counseling and possibly go with him to a session somewhere down the line? Maybe that could help to get to the bottom of his committment-phobia. You don't want to just be a person he has fun only (sex) without some sort of committment. You know, I'm sure you don't want to be just a booty-call kind of thing. If he's worth it, and only you'd know. Try to look into why he wants to just be so committment free. Hope this helps.

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