Girl is not over her ex that cheated on her

[luckylefty]

I have a situation with this girl I really like. We have been talking for a few weeks, almost 5 hours a day on the phone. She seems really into me, and I am into her, but she mentions her ex quite often. The story goes that she dumped her ex 3 months ago because he was cheating on her on and off for a year. I can tell she's hurt and dumped him but also still missing the memories she had with him.

 

She is quite honest about everything, including that she is not over her ex. I feel that we can talk so much because we are quite frank and honest about everything, which is what I really dig. I can't help but feel like she still wants to get back with her ex, or hopes that he may change and stop cheating. I know I have felt like that about many of my ex's so it seems to be quite a possibility.

 

What do you think about us talking so much every day? We have a great time talking, lots of jokes, laughs, and flirting but I am just afraid she may be using me to take her mind off things and also afraid of being banished to the friend zone. She seems like a very good girl at heart but I also know that when people are emotionally hurt, they may do irrational things so it seems like a tossup.

 

Tonight I told her I understand she's not over her ex, and that I would like to get to know her better so maybe in the future when she's ready I can make her my girlfriend. She seemed a little surprised and unsure as expected, but do you think I did the wrong thing by saying that too early?

 

What can I do at this point to win her over? I really love her personality and attitude towards life, she is one of the rare ones that has a good heart and doesn't play mind games. Sorry for the long entry, and on the flipside if any more info is required from me to give advice, please ask me. Any input would be much appreciated!

[soccerrprp]

Luckylefty,

 

Sounds like you did the right thing.

 

Would have been messy trying to have a relationship with someone who wasn't over her ex. Believe you me, I know. The ball is in her court, but now you risk being placed in the friend-zone. That's okay, b/c you may not have had a healthy chance anyway. Not to say that she may have different feelings towards you later, but don't put all your eggs into this basket.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Alia_alia]

Tonight I told her I understand she's not over her ex, and that I would like to get to know her better so maybe in the future when she's ready I can make her my girlfriend. She seemed a little surprised and unsure as expected, but do you think I did the wrong thing by saying that too early?

 

Yes, that's way too early. Have you guys kissed? Had sex?

I think you're pretty dead-on in the friendzone.

[Lani]

I'm sorry to say it, but I think this is a no-win situation for you.

Being cheated on is the worst, and it takes a long time to get over (far longer than 3 months). And if they only broke up for that reason, and they are still in contact (??), then she's always going to have a place for him that you won't be able to take.

You've done the right thing by mentioning to her how you feel, and I guess you need to just wait and see what she does from here.

Give her a little time, but don't wait around in the friend-zone for more than you feel comfortable with. Let her know when you hit your limit.

[luckylefty]

Thank you for your replies! After the fact, I also felt it was way too early, and was completely afraid I scared her off. But she does still respond to my texts and calls. I just think she really is in pain and keeps her mind off of it by working hard. She talks about her work very often and seems very happy when she mentions it.

 

I am not sure if the ex and her still talk, but the last time he called and asked her a favor, she blew up on him out of anger. From the pretense of it, it seems they no longer speak. This is all I know for now and I try not to get too much into it. Maybe I can ask if it comes up again?

 

We do talk less now because she is busy this week setting up a film festival. I am definitely glad she is working hard and not doing anything destructive.

 

As far as being patient, and just being there for her - what are some good ways to do this without being banished into the friend-zone?

[Kylar]

I wish to god someone told me this before I got involved in one of these situations.

 

It has never worked out. It will never worked out. And even when it has worked it, it didn't work out.

 

Dont.

[SJC2008]

Her heart is somewhere else. Many people can't be alone so right now you are an emotional tampon. Sometimes you gotta learn the heard way like I did. The last woman I dated said she didn't know what she wanted and wanted to date around. I should of bailed but I liked her and she showed a lot of interest so I thought she was starting to like me. The problem is that her actions didn't match her words. Meaning she initiated a lot of contact for someone who wanted to date around and she was plenty available for someone who wanted to date around. She was getting the benefit of being in a relationship without having to be in one. Translation: I was a fill in bf to help ease ber pain, none of our dates were about "us", they were about lessening her suffering!

[luckylefty]

I don't plan to push up on her, and being completely honest, I am expecting the worst. But with this girl, I can't just give up and risk losing a possible great one. I plan to just wait and let her come to me when she's ready. She seems genuinely interested in me as well, but her pain seems to hold her back and the timing is not right. I just don't know what to do in the meantime while waiting.. should I just not text or call her anymore completely and let her initiate the talking?